How am I handling this (long)

[mechambird]

I will try to keep this short as possible, but I feel the need to include alot of detail so u all can see the picture. Its a book, bare with me. My gf just left me a couple weeks ago after having a 3 year relationship.

 

I met this girl 3 years ago. We were friends at first, spending every weekend together, we always had a load of chemistry but didnt get serious until about 4 months in. I was 20 and her 16. This was basically my first relationship, and her first real one. I didnt know how to handle a relationship and never shared feelings and never showed any affection. For some reason she was never able to open up, so I never did either. But we did have chemistry and shared all the same interests and views on things. Looking back it was a very weird relationship. I never contacted her first. I just kept the relationship going like I was leading on a new girl. Obviously lack of communication and no openness lead to her leaving me 3 months later. She found another guy(Brandon) that was all over her showering her with affection and feelings and that I wasnt giving her. When I found out there was a new guy in the picture I became very bitter and wanted nothing to do with her. I started dating a new girl few weeks later. Eventually she came back trying to talk to me. Somehow we finally opened up and realized all my/our faults in our "relationship." I gave in and told her how I really felt, that I was bitter because I loved her and trusted her and she just up and left me. I had no trust in her at all now. At this point it had been 4 months since our break and even though I was dating someone else I was still not over her. But we got everything out and I took her back for a new chance at a real relationship.

 

Everything was different this time at about 2 years ago from now. I had never felt this way. Everything was perfect. We shared everything, sex was a whole new experience, we completed each other 100%. I gave her all the affection and attention she needed. I do believe she is different than most girls. She doesnt believe there is such thing as a guy being too "nice." After dating a few months we rented an apartment together. As with any relationship sparks began to dull a tad but we were still happy together. But she was very insecure. White lies started to come out. Trust and honesty is #1 with me.

 

The first blow is when I caught her texting another guy and lying to me about it. A random number texted her while we were sitting there and she denied knowing who it was. Then he texted her back saying ohh yea remember you were txting me earlier you were playing with your dog. Obvioulsy now Ive caught her red handed. She admits and proves that he is some random guy from another city who messaged her on FB telling her how beautiful she was and bs. That she was just txting him for someone to talk to since she has been so distanced from her friends. (which she blames on me) She doesnt have any friends anyway but she was now out of HS and felt this way. Confident that she is telling the truth and understanding where she is coming from I forgave her and let it go. Sex died down slowly to once or twice a week since we had been living together.

 

Second blow... on my computer I find in my history a google search for "sex is not enjoyable", and her FB spying the guy that she had left me for. I contronted her about this asap. Her defense is that she was just looking him up because she was nosey. And then it comes out that she has been "faking" sex our WHOLE relationship. All this time I thought it was great she was just faking. She was good at it. Although I did make her cry once during as it was a more emotional intimate session with more attention to her. But finding this out was a huge blow to my self asteem and when I started distancing myself from her emotionally. I tried everything but sex never picked up, of course now I didnt even want to do it anymore since in my mind she had no desire to at all. There was no more excitement there and we pretty much had "duty sex" about once a week.

 

But the relationship was still fairly good we still did things together and worked on communication etc. Then I also catch her texting some other guy from another town she was "friends" with, who always drunk txt her with only one thing on his mind. But she argued that he wasnt like that when she was around. She has always had more guy friends and this guy was in her very small social circle in college so once again I forgave her. I had confidence in her loyalty as we were together 24/7 and I know deep down how insecure she is.

 

I know right now it sounds like the relationship is crap but it still was actually good, these are just things that distanced me from her emotionally a little at a time.

 

After living together for 10 months, having a healthy relationship for the most part for the past year, with us both imagining to spend the rest of our life together, we ended up buying a house together. At this point Im 22 and her 18. We both felt ready for marriage but finances have always been a problem, plus with her being so young I did not want to make such a huge decision knowing she still had some growing up to do.

 

Shortly after buying the house I lost my job. This put a huge stress on us (me) financially. This combined with lack of communication and slight distrust for her left me feeling more emotionless and living in lingo. Then I see on the phone bill of her texting this number constantly for the past couple days. After a little snooping I find out its a guy she was friends with in high school(Koty). He has always had a thing for her. I contronted her about doing something she might have second thoughts about and ask her if theres anything she needs to tell me. I pryed and pryed and she swore on our relationship that there was nothing to tell me. So she couldnt even admit it, I had to bring it up. Once again her arguement is that they were friends in high school and that he was feeding her compliments that I had not been giving her since I had been distant emotionally for obvious reasons. But, she had also sent him a phone picture of herself in her bathing suit. And she denied this until I contfronted her about that too. She said she did it to get responses out of him which made her feel better about herself. I had not been giving her any attention so I forgave her, we talked it out, and moved on from it.

 

Shortly after, I go out of town with a friend for the night. We are txting each other while Im gone, her hanging out with friends as well. It was a friday night I ask her what they are doing. With slight hesitation she says they are just going to a party. I know Koty is having a party tonight so I ask and she admits its Kotys party and there was nothing else to do. I told her if she goes then we are done cause I wont tolerate that. So with the temper she has she tells me to F off and that she can hang out with her friends if she wants and glad we are done whatever. The next day she comes crying back apologizing arguing that hes just a friend and she didnt understand why I didnt want her going there. After talking it out we got through this and moved on. Im very distant after this and really feel no desire to communicate with her

 

Few months later I sit next to her on the couch, and shes texting what shows up as Melinda. Since I dont fully trust her I just try to take a quick peek and see what its about. She wont let me see her phone. She tries her best to keep the phone from me and we start fighting. Eventually I get the phone from her and see the message, look at the number, and realize that she is texting Brandon who is saved as "Melinda" in her phone. She denies denies denies everything but she has been caught red handed. We end up talking this one out and yet again its another issue with her getting attention from him thru text that I havent been giving her. I forgive her and understand where she is coming from. But after this I really dont trust her at all and am pretty much just emotionless throughout the days.

 

However we still happen to have a decent relationship while I keep my trust issues bottled up inside. I know this sounds negative but we were still happy together and things were ok.

 

But not being able to let go of these small instances that she cant bring herself to apologize for, since she is just talking to her "friends", I have just pretty much cut myself off from her emotionally. We had become bored with life, not going out and doing much, just kind of going through the motions. Most of the time I am grumpy and dont care to spend quality time with her. Then last month after being naggy at each other and a small fight the night before, she txts me "we need to talk." I know whats coming.

 

She gets home and starts going on about how she is living with regret (she transferred to a less credible college to move in with me), about how she feels she is missing out on life, missing out on higher education, feels that we have no spark anymore, that she loves me but is not in love with me. I stayed stubborn and holding my pride, telling her I felt the same way and told her to go on and do what she needs to do. So she goes and stays with her parents for a night. I broke down and begged for her back, telling her we just needed to work on our communication, realizing all of both our faults in the relationship and that our problems can be repaired, that I basically cannot live without her and will do anything to make it work. She wouldnt come back but eventually the next day called actually saying shes sorry and begged for me back, saying she wants to spend her life with me and all that mess. We spend the next day out on the town, having fun, things felt a little new again, and she comes back home. Everything felt fine we had been back together for 5 days.

 

On this day it was the day of our 2 year anniversary. I have a big home cooked dinner planned with treats later on. As Im in the middle of cooking our dinner she gets home, seems sad, and on this day of our anniversary she comes back in and once again says "I need to talk to you" My heart jumped and I knew what it was. I said about what and for the next 5 minutes she tried to hold back but I kept prying.

 

Basically she admitted that she felt trapped, alone, we had moved out of town and she left a real college to live with me, and that she felt her life was over and we werent going anywhere. Grass is greener syndrome. I pretty much understood and we left on good terms and planned to stay friends. A month prior she had given me 2800 dollars to buy car parts with to finish my project in the garage. And that night she said I could keep her old car for 1500 and I agreed since I needed another vehicle.

 

A few days later she moved her stuff out. There were a few things left for her to get. I had to go to her parents to get a few of my things and offered to bring the last of hers. She started being pretty cold with me, saying she could get it herself. But I wanted to get it over with so I wouldnt have to see her again and brought the last of her stuff anyway. When I showed up me and her dad exchanged our stuff and me and her didnt look or talk to each other. Thirty minutes after I leave she txt me saying she wish she could have her 3 thousand dollars back. Then she starts going crazy temper saying its her effing money and shes coming tomorrow to take all those car parts out of the house that I had bought with that money. I say F that and change the locks on the house, all her stuff is gone and shes not getting my car parts. And she said if I wanna make trouble she'll call the cops. Knowing how she is with her temper I just reply "ok" so she will leave me alone. Thinking it will blow over and shes just mad cause I brought her stuff to her.

 

But she actually does show up the next day, I wouldnt let her in the house so she starts so yell and bang at all the windows so I go ahead an call the cops knowing it wont turn out good either way. The cops come and tell her if she wants the stuff she will have to take me to court and give me a lecture about changing the locks since technically it is her house too. Then while they are there she starts raising hell about the car too, saying its her car, even though I paid her for it. She yells at me and tells me shes going to sue me for $3k and the car, that Im a piece of **** that I need to get a job and basically just trying to make me feel like the worst person on the face of the earth. Shortly after she eventually leaves and text messages follow telling me what a scumbag I am. I dont answer knowing it will just fuel the fire and she will regret it later.

 

She has calmed down and decided shes not going to sue me. Texts me a few days later saying she will be civil with me as long as I am (LOL),then again a couple days later saying I need to sell the house so her name will be off it. A few days later asks nicely to come back and get some pots and pans I forgot to take over to her house that one day. All this time I am very short with her and indifferent. At this point its been a week since we broke off and a week ago today. I let her come over to get the stuff and she lingers around like she wants to talk. I ignore her. She asks why Im being mad and if Im ok. I was short and said fine. So she goes outside to leave and sits for a min. Then she comes back in and says she wants her old license plates off her car (now mine) so I give them to her and she says bye nicely and I ignore her.

 

That weekend I get a call from a friend saying they saw her picking up one of my "friends" from the bar. I text him and he says he didnt go to the bar he has to work early. I spied on him and he never went to work next morning. I suspect she stayed at his house that night, dont know for sure. This friend also tried getting with my other friends ex, so that other friend anonymously txt him saying to watch his back. Later he takes me off his FB friend list.

 

Later she txts asking if we can be friends. Ignore. She says "I guess you think Im ****ing your friends but Im not" ( I personally never said anything to her or him about that) That night she tries calling me. Ignore. She txts me "omg i need help". Ignore. (I know u need help, mental help). The next day texts again saying how shes sorry wants to be friends, says she "tried to make amends but guess thats not what you want". Ignore. Ive been strict NC and deleted her off Facebook. She tried adding me, I declined. Then later she blocked me for a day or two then unblocked. We have both taken pictures of each other off our profiles, are no longer FB friends. Its been a week since she last txt me and I ignored, which was the day she came to get those pots n pans.

 

So here I am strict NC for a week. The first day was hard, but Ive been okay. Last night I went out with friends to the bar and smoked a lil weed. Got home all alone and was extremely emotional sad mad but held it together. NC. At this point I do want her back, cause I know all our problems couldve been fixed if we just communicated and she could be honest. I never imagined my life without her. But Im not prepared to take her back immediately because of trust issues. Not that she will anyway. I just wonder how shes doing without me.

 

On top of this, I am jobless, stuck with a house payment that is almost my monthly unemployment income total, every bill I have is past due. Ive lost my job, my other half, and soon to lose my home (something Ive never had my entire life). I grew up in a poor disfunctional family, matured fast. She grew up in a picture perfect family and got everything handed to her. Regardless of all these negatives the majority of the relationship has actually been good. But Im drained.

[ryantan22]

I'm ryan, No matter how divided you are in your positions, always remember the humanity of the other person. Keep in mind their weaknesses and frailties. Think about the respect you want and then give it unconditionally to the other person. Be kind even if you are angry. If that makes you cry instead of screaming, you'll probably find that yourself getting closer to the true root of the issue.

[DarkAngel7]

You seem very strong and as if you have handled everything to the best of your abilities so far.

 

I understand how much harder a break up is when other aspects of your life aren't going so well either. I would say put all of that energy into finding a job, because it will just drag you down more to be at home all day and think of your problems. You want to feel like you are becoming a better version of yourself.

 

As far as the girl, if she really did go home with your friend...not sure if thats the king of person you want in your life. Out of all the guys in the world, your friend? If that isn't true, I am not sure. I have not been on this site long but the Grass is Greener syndrome is tricky. You did everything to make it right, it's not like you screwed her over and need to win her back. You have been a great guy, but she felt trapped. She is 18 though! That is super young, so is 22. It is hard not to be curious about other possibilities etc. Especially since she regrets not getting the typical college experience.

 

It seems like you are heading down the right path right now. Keep being positive. If it is meant to be, you two will end up together. If not then, you may end up with someone better suited for you.

[mechambird]

I'm trying to appear strong, but inside it kills me. It really hurts when you've spent the last 2 years of your life putting so much energy into someone and something just to be **** on in the end. I thought I had my life set although we became like an old married couple. I'm 24 and her 20 now. Her family became my family, hers and my dreams became our dreams.

 

And after I tried so hard and did whatever possible to keep us going and make us happy, she just throws me away like an old rag. Then if that's not enough, she adds insult to injury by saying all the mean things she said later. She said everything she could possibly think of to make me feel like ****, things like "you were the worst bf ever, last year of my life has been miserable, u got a small dic, you're ugly as ****, anything she could think of.

 

I just know that now she is out partying and getting all kinds of attention from guys, she has a new car and money coming out her ass from a school loan check, her parents will take care of her and buy her everything she wants. While I sit here in a house, what is supposed to be our house, with most of what I truly love being ripped right away from me. Some days are hard and some not bad

[mechambird]

I often feel like contacting her and trying to talk but I feel it will just be a waste of breath for me. I feel like Ive done all I can do

[mechambird]

I just noticed tonight that she had created a fake Facebook profile as someone else and added me as a friend a couple days ago, to spy on me Im sure. It just clicked in my head earlier and I removed the profile from my friends list. Not surprisingly an hour or two later the real her sent me a message over Facebook.

 

"I still love you Matty. You'll always have a part of my heart. Hope you are doing okay and life is going good. Maybe one day we can be friends again, that is, if you want. Goodnight.

 

And honestly that was from my heart. Not trying to make you feel bad or anything. I hope you find better things in life. Just didn't like the way things left off. Regret ever getting mad at you the way I did. You are a sweet guy and deserve only the best and you will find it some day. Lol, okay I'm done bothering you and getting all emotional on you. Just thought I would make that clear in case something were to ever happen to me. So you know I am always a phone call away if you ever need anything. Nighty night."

 

Ahh here I go feeling like **** again... I didnt reply

[mechambird]

Do you guys think I should say anything... I am regretting all the times I ignored her and stopped paying attention to her, stopped doing things together, let the spark die out. But shes the only girl I want in my life. sucks

 

I want to think that being friends and trying to be like I used to be could spark things back up, but if it didnt Id just be torturing myself..but i know shes missing me

[JusChill]

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t271055/

 

^ your situation isn't as bad as this guy. at least u don't have kids to deal with.

 

Let me wake you up a little bit, right now you are in a state of desperation and loneliness your constant negative thoughts leads you to "regret". But in fact, you didn't do anything wrong... everyone would eventually get tired from trying so hard in a relationship. And trust me, I completely understand how your feeling right now. But still, you love her so you're trying to blame yourself constantly thinking in your head "I COULD OF HAVE DONE THIS DIFFERENTLY".

 

I understand your attachment, and think about it...she is still attached to you.

 

The question I'm asking here is...how the hell can you still trust her after all this? Right now I feel like you are just insecure and with all the **** happening right now you need to hold onto something and she's the only one that can help you emotionally and give you that boost of confidence.

 

Stop lying to yourself, and get back together...first and foremost, like the other guy said.. finding a job should be your first priority. Do whatever you want afterward, but do not make yourself more miserable...trust me we are all here cause we all went through it and got back up. we want what's best for you. Just ignore her for now.

[mechambird]

Thanks for the reply, youre right. an most days I am OK but sometimes Im just an emotional rollercoaster. Thats why I was tired of the relationship, cause I felt like I was giving way more than I was getting, and didnt have any trust left.

 

Im just still attached, still dont trust her, i am insecure. I do have other people helping me. I do go out with friends and do things. And when I am around other women I get caught up in just thinking about her

 

The money situation is on top of my list, trying to get my job back, the one I left on good terms. Im tryin to be positive about it but at bad times it helps to get on here. You guys help. On with NC....

[mechambird]

Wow. This woman has been going out of her way to deliberately try and make my life miserable. Everywhere I go on my Facebook account she deliberately posts right in front of me on my friends profiles, and anything I comment to. I finally blocked her. Now, tonight, my best friend is out for a bite to eat and guess what, she is there on a lil date with her new boy toy. She goes out of her way to approach my friend with her new boy and then proceeds to talk **** on me and laugh about it. This bitch deserves to be **** on and to feel worthless. Im a very calm laid back kind of guy who usually feels no need for revenge but Im seriously coming close to the point where I dont care anymore. She is such a horrible person and I really, really, really want to go out of my way to make her life hell. I cant believe I have put so much work and trust into someone just to have my heart **** on, stabbed with a knife, and the blade be twisted. Everyday Im becoming more filled with hate. Its hard to forgive and forget. I am hating life right now.