Six month curse

[Final]

We were together for three years and lived together for most of it. She abruptly broke up with me six months ago and moved quickly to sever ties. The day of the break-up she offered me some level of explanation, which wasn't enough, and that's the last time we discussed the break-up. We saw each other for the first time after the break-up two weeks later, and I told her that I didn't resent her for breaking up with me -- at any time one person in a relationship can decide to end it and that's just something that has to be accepted. I stand by this -- I don't resent the break-up and don't have an idealized view of the relationship even though the break-up upset me deeply. I still feel there was more to it and I had some suspicions about other things that may have been going on, but I don't know and never will.

 

About two months into the break-up with almost no contact, I started to hear from her regularly. Nothing too personal, but enough that I knew she was trying to get my attention. So the FWB situation started, and while I couldn't trust her, it did help me for a time in curing some loneliness and sexual frustration. Let me explain that I was comfortable with the FWB situation and was the one who first suggested it. I was not eager to get back involved with her in a relationship, and while I did have emotional feelings that were not being met, it was under control. For about a month and a half we were seeing each other multiple times a week, even just to hang out, get food, and watch something with no sex involved. There was a tendency to fall back into old habits..... Yeah, I gave her back rubs before sex, sometimes she would refer to me as baby "on accident", but the distinction was clear that we were not together.

 

I did want to discuss "us", but as she was the one who broke it off, I felt (and still feel) it is up to her to bring the subject up. During the holidays we exchanged Xmas gifts and she also got me a birthday present (even though I hadn't given her anything for her birthday a couple months earlier) and I felt things might be building somewhere. There was one night where she invited me over to stay the night, which I took her up on (I hadn't stayed the night at her new place before that). We already had plans to hang out the following day, so this turned into spending the entire weekend together. It was comfortable, but I noticed her mood getting worse by the end of it... which is normal for her, as she has severe mood swings. Nonetheless it left a damper on the weekend.

 

I was planning on bringing up the "us" talk myself if we continued to be so close, but I didn't get the chance. She started a new job and started to barely hear from her. Started to get the psychic impression she was seeing someone. So we met up one night and hung out and watched TV. She guilted me into a back rub (my one major weakness, I admit) and I told her she would have to give me a foot rub next time... things were distant, but not too weird. BUT, pretty soon after this, I figure out for sure that she is seeing someone. Now, I have let her initiate most of the contact since the break-up, and in this case I didn't tell her I "knew". I just said rather straightforward that I needed some money she still owed me. So we met up in a store at which point I told her I "knew", and that I would have appreciated her telling me rather than having to see something about it online. I was a gentleman, but made it clear I was not happy. She was nice and not defensive about it, and the more we talked I could see her holding back tears. After leaving, it was very liberating and I finally felt I could start moving on after 5 months.

 

What is strange is that in the two weeks following this meeting, she sent me a number of text messages... nothing personal, but references to actors from Tv shows we used to watch together, something about one of our old neighbors, etc. Then a couple weeks ago she posted something random on my facebook. As a rule, I don't ignore text messages, but in this case I replied with lazy one-word responses to hint that I'm really not interested in being friends with her under these circumstances. I think she was trying to make sure I was still "there", for what reason I don't know. It is just strange to me that right after the "Yes, I am seeing someone now" talk, there was this flurry of contact.

 

So she hasn't reached out to me in the last few weeks and I was hoping I was more "liberated" than I was, I guess. A few days ago I commented on something she said on facebook that related to a common interest, which I regret doing now. I guess a part of me, despite all of the hurt and mistrust, wants her to know I don't hate her. I also know that her new boyfriend moved, while not that far away, it's enough to make a difference for her, and I guess I wanted to make an appearance at a vulnerable time. I really don't have an interest in getting back involved with her at this point, but I still think about her many times a day and can't shake my desire to have a personal talk with her about the three years we spent together. I am looking for satisfaction, and I know that is a lot to ask for in these situations. On a base level, I do want her to come crawling back so that I can at least be the one to decide if there is a future for us or not. Being powerless over the situation has made me want that, as lame as it is to admit.

 

I guess what I'm looking for here, is some sort of feedback about her and this situation. I'm not sure what I'm really expressing or asking for, as I have been pretty strong, it's just the situation still eats at me immensely. I have no illusions about her and she has definitely been manipulative to a certain degree since the break-up. She basically hasn't shown me the respect I deserve, even though I know she deeply cares about me. I know I need to invest myself in something more worth my while,but as you all well know, it isn't so easy. Right now I'm struggling with the commitment she has to her new relationship (something I shouldn't think about, I know) and the way she has dealt with me. I have no self-esteem issues, but again, the powerlessness has been the worst. I guess I'm still just waiting for some REAL expression from her about us/me/this, and not just thinly veiled attempts at maintaining contact.

 

I should also add, what I'm really struggling with right now is that up until recently, she really hadn't done anything that made me outright reject the idea of ever getting back together. It's not something I wanted to jump back into, but there was nothing really stopping it either. Her new relationship is sort of strange and from what I know about it, it has made me never want to get involved with her romantically again. This is so hard because a part of me DOES want to keep hope somewhere deep inside that we could reconnect even years down the road, and this latest piece of the puzzle makes that less of a possibility for me. I understand it is good to lose that shallow hope, but man....

Edited March 27, 2011 by Final