miss_b Posted March 27, 2011 Posted March 27, 2011 I've posted about my issues on here before dealing with my seperation from my husband..and here I am again. We seperated back in Oct- I moved out after a long time of fighting, no sex, and feeling unappreciated while my husband wanted to just hang out with his buddies and not grow up. I yelled a lot & was too dependent on him too, and it drove him away from me. I didn't mean to move out forever, I thought we needed space, and since then he's moved his friends in and we've been going back and forth...he says he needs time...for what I don't know, and I've been trying to give him time, but everytime I do that, I can't take it for much longer than a week or so before I tell him I can't handle it and he should divorce me if he doesn't want to work on things.. I found out thru snooping he's contacted his ex, telling her he can't wait to put his arms around her, and that I'm crazy and he can't wait to divorce me. Her response wasn't really too crazy, more like a friend thing, but I don't know...I confronted him and he swears that he's not getting into a relationship or anything with her, but I can't trust him, he's lied to me before about stupid things, so what's to say he's not lying now? I was ready to file for divorce when I found out about that, but then he called crying saying he thinks we should divorce so he doesn't mess with my heart but he still wants to spend the rest of his life with me, he just needs time to not be stressed out and think, and he hopes he doesn't keep our son from him. I told him that we can just be seperated then while we work on ourselves, but I am having issues with that cuz I still don't trust him. We have a 2 year old little boy who's stuck in the middle of all this. I want him to try so bad, but he just wants me to sit in the background waiting for him to decide he wants to work on this marriage. I'm at my wits end, this has been going on for almost 6 months and I can't take it anymore! I'm still seeing our marriage counselor, I invited him to come and he said right now he doesn't want to go, but he might in the future. I feel like I have a life to live, and don't want to wait around for this man to decide if he wants to be a family and be my husband or not. But at the same time, the thought of divorce makes me sick- I am crazy about him and want to spend the rest of my life with him and be a family so bad, that it's preventing me from filing for divorce myself.. Any advice?? Everybody I know is probably sick of hearing me talk about this, but I am so lost right now...
dreamingoftigers Posted March 27, 2011 Posted March 27, 2011 I am so sorry that you are going through this. I know it is scary, depressing, frustrating and hurtful. Stay strong, you will make it through. You seem very articulate and dedicated to your family despite the obstacles. Call Divorcebusters, do a 180 last resort and give it six months or if you get sick of it sooner. Quit calling him! Never call the uninterested party, duh! Don't ask him how much time he needs or why or what he wants or can he come to counseling. It sounds counter-intuitive I know. But you need to let him know that you have some options and worth. You don't want him to come back solely because you nagged him. He needs to figure it out himself, and he sounds like a dim bulb to be quite frank. What you are doing is really not going to work. Quit pursuing, no ultimatums. Drop it, what's six months anyways in the grand scheme of things? You know that you are pulling the chain to get some comfort or at least some answers. He pulls the chain back by avoiding answering. One of you has to break the cycle. He ain't going to just stop avoiding. You need to stop pursuing. Pronto. You haven't even gotten your head out of this marriage long enough to see if you should be together. If you drop off the face of the planet for 2-3 weeks, he is going to wonder what happened to you, then if he sees you being happy and not having conflicts with him, then the marriage has a chance. By the time he digs his head out of his ass, you probably won't want him anyways. My daughter turns 2 in May, I have turned myself into a pretzel trying to keep our family together. The only thing that has given real hope is dropping my husband. Once he couldn't depending on me asking "how high?" everytime he said "jump" his perspective altered a little. All of a sudden, we miss home and family. Hell, we even want to sleep with our wife again! (Tough luck) I hear you about the dependence thing. And I know the terror of losing the man that was once so good to you and not wanting your child to hurt. The sooner you face that terror and come through the other side of it, you will see that reality is never as bad as we fear and that even though your 2 year old may not have Dad around right now, you can refocus that energy on doing 1 thing per day that is entirely selfish and gives you joy. This man does not hold a monopoly on your happiness. When you give yourself a 'joy gift' everyday, your child sees that role-modelled. You will also have more energy for your child and to cope with the situation. The reality is this: right now you are in an unhealthy dynamic and trying to hold things together. The only way to break the dynamic is to let go and wait. If the marriage is to be saved and become healthy, or if it is to die, either way the path is still the same. The dependence and the push and pull of the conflict is the path to an energy-draining Hell and the way to have animosity between the two of you regardless of the outcome. Don't ask him about the marriage. Don't ask him about his ex. Don't ask him squat. Call those people, they are a miracle. Get back up and carve out a better, happier life. Believe it or not but the marriage isn't the key to happiness; you being happy is the key to a healthy marriage. I hope this doesn't sound preachy, sometimes my late-night posts don't sound so sweet. If you check out my threads, you can see that I have been there. I am there, and the light at the end of the tunnel is a pinprick. Letting go is one of the toughest things to do.
Author miss_b Posted March 27, 2011 Author Posted March 27, 2011 Thanks for the advice! I totally agree with everything you say.. this back and forth cycle needs to end & I need to be the one to end it.. I'm scared to let go because I don't want to lose him forever, but I know I'm going to have to let go either way, unfortunately...
dreamingoftigers Posted March 27, 2011 Posted March 27, 2011 Thanks for the advice! I totally agree with everything you say.. this back and forth cycle needs to end & I need to be the one to end it.. I'm scared to let go because I don't want to lose him forever, but I know I'm going to have to let go either way, unfortunately...[/QUOTE] You and the rest of us that are dependent! It's really not that bad, you tough it out for about a week and then the Sun comes poking through the clouds. I used to set the timer on my cell so that I would try to go an hour without thinking of him. I could last about 10-15 mins, so maybe start with that. Meditation helps too, just sit quietly and let the world flow away. The letting them go works nicely, but they will test the crap out of you by pulling away more extreme. Let it fall away, you see he is in the dynamic too and he knows that avoidance triggers you, he avoids more, you react more. Give him nothing but kindness and confidence when he calls (even if it is a ways down the line). Start an NC log maybe, and find a new hobby. I have been thinking about painting glass or learning something musical.
marky1 Posted March 27, 2011 Posted March 27, 2011 It has helped many people who feel the way you do.
Author miss_b Posted March 28, 2011 Author Posted March 28, 2011 Well I've decided to say screw it, and I'm going to tell him tonight that I'm done, he can have his fun with this girl, and that I'm filing for divorce. I think he will agree initially, and then maybe realize what an idiot he's being...but either way I feel like this is what I need to do to move on. I'm not going to be seperated just so he can have me on the back burner while doing his own thing with his buddies and his ex. I feel like I have no other choice. It hurts, I've been avoiding divorce this whole time because I'm scared to lose him forever, but I'm at the point where I feel like I've already lost him.
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