Love_is_Pain Posted March 27, 2011 Posted March 27, 2011 I've been doing the no contact for about 5 weeks from a Friends with Benefits that was going on for a year and a half. I was in love with him & it was very hard to do. Correction-In Love and its hard to do. I'm going about the moving on process in a good way. I'm getting out,making positive changes in my life and overall I'm fine. The question I have and the part I don't understand that might help me feel better about this is WHY after 5 weeks of no contact is he STILL constantly on my mind. I catch myself thinking about him,daydreaming about running into,daydreaming about what I would say to him if I saw him. I think about him first thing in the morning,throughout the day and at night! If I occupy myself I still do things with him in mind. Is this normal??? I was in LOVE with him but it's not like I saw him everyday or had an actual relationship with him. They say time heals all-but after 5 weeks thoughts of him have not lessened at all. HELP?!! Note: I don't expect them to dissapear right away but why does this feel like an actual break up? I've been in worse heartbreaks (my sons father of 4 years) and I don't recall thinking about him this much.
WTRanger Posted March 27, 2011 Posted March 27, 2011 Because the FWB thing isn't an actual relationship. Therefore, you are left breaking up with a figment of your imagination. You are breaking up with your head and the reality it has built up. Sure, all of the signs where there and it felt and even acted like a relationship at times. But in reality, it wasn't. You don't mention if you two had a falling out or what. But if it was just you two going separate ways, then there may not have been an actual reason for the pseudo FWB relationship to end. Even in the worst break ups you can look back and say, "Oh, that's totally the reason why we broke up." Maybe this isn't the case, and we're back to you breaking up with your head.
Author Love_is_Pain Posted March 27, 2011 Author Posted March 27, 2011 Because the FWB thing isn't an actual relationship. Therefore, you are left breaking up with a figment of your imagination. You are breaking up with your head and the reality it has built up. Sure, all of the signs where there and it felt and even acted like a relationship at times. But in reality, it wasn't. You don't mention if you two had a falling out or what. But if it was just you two going separate ways, then there may not have been an actual reason for the pseudo FWB relationship to end. Even in the worst break ups you can look back and say, "Oh, that's totally the reason why we broke up." Maybe this isn't the case, and we're back to you breaking up with your head. I feel like a nut job for having this imagination relationship. There was no falling out...I just had to move on & no contact was the only way. This is making me angry with myself for allowing myself to obsess like i did about him & make him such a big deal. I feel so stupid.
MissMoni Posted March 27, 2011 Posted March 27, 2011 I agree with WTRanger. It seems you have fell in love with the idea of this man, or at least who you thought he was. But now that he isn't the guy that you thought he was, your brain can't separate that and is trying to compensate for that. And don't feel stupid. It's been 5 weeks. I've been broken up with my ex for 5 months and he's still the first thing I think of when I get up and go to bed. It just takes time, and everyone heals differently. I know that this sounds like a cliche,but please don't beat yourself up about it. And NC WILL force you to move on and it will most likely be painful but keep it up, it is needed. I keep trying to trick myself into believing I can quit NC and be friends with my ex right now and be fine but I know in reality that's just not the case. NC is probably for the best for you right now.
WTRanger Posted March 27, 2011 Posted March 27, 2011 Your mind is the most abusive ex you will ever encounter. One of the biggest keys for you to constantly remember is the man he is today. You cannot think of the man he was when you met him. If you learn from this then it no longer becomes a mistake. It becomes a life lesson. You'll get through this.
Rose T Posted March 27, 2011 Posted March 27, 2011 Your mind is the most abusive ex you will ever encounter. One of the biggest keys for you to constantly remember is the man he is today. You cannot think of the man he was when you met him. If you learn from this then it no longer becomes a mistake. It becomes a life lesson. You'll get through this. This is a stunning piece of advice, particularly the observation about the mind's tyranny over our sentimental state. IMO, you weren't exactly in an imaginary relationship - you were in a real one, in that you were invested, so don't feel as if it's any less important than anyone else's heartache. The role the imagination plays is prevalent in all relationships, not just in the sort of relationship you just got out of so you mustn't feel stupid, we ALL project in our romantic relationships, and I'd say that probably all break-ups involve reconciling reality with what you hoped that person really was. In terms of time for getting over a person, my personal experience has been that after 3-4 months of being single you can start to be happy with that new state and the constant thoughts fade considerably. Stick with NC, you sound smart and on the right track - maybe it's just worth thinking if FWB suits your personal dating style in the future if you know that you're a person who could fall in love under those circumstances.
Author Love_is_Pain Posted March 31, 2011 Author Posted March 31, 2011 Thanks for the advice everyone! Just wanted to mention that I broke off contact for reason being is my heart couldnt take wanting something I couldnt have any longer. He never changed. If anything I think hes more amazing then ever. Amazing man when I met him, Amazing man when I had to leave and I know he is a one of a kind person and I will always think highly of him. I just wish he could do something horrible or have at least ONE trait that I don't like. That way I would have something to focus on. The only thing I have to focus on is him not wanting a relationship. Other than that...he's never wronged me. K...i need to stop obsessing. off this! lol Thanks for the advice!
Beeotch Posted March 31, 2011 Posted March 31, 2011 Isn't it interesting how there is sometimes no blue print you can look at in terms of your feelings.... So many factors, many which aren't obvious, go into what happens after any type of emotional separation/break/heartbreak etc.Therefore is it normal? Yes. It took me almost 2 YEARS to get over a 4 month relationship while it took me several months to get over one that lasted a few years with a guy whom I was very much in love with as well. So there is no thing you can look at to say that well because it was X amount of time or a FWB or a this or a that so you should get over it in X time. So many personal things go into it: like the specific lessons you need to learn, how you're processing it, what you're holding on to, emotional issues it is bringing up etc that determines when you heal.
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