I need some good solid answers !

[Derek12b]

I got good advice in this forum before and I really need some now. Please check out my thread in "coping"

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t270780/

 

I posted there because I thought it fit, but I got great advice with my first thread here, in this forum.

Edited March 27, 2011 by Derek12b

[tojaz]

Derek!!!!! Sorry to see you back bud, its been a long time.

 

Heres the post from coping...

 

To start off, this is my old thread and if u want a background, here it is.

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t184128/

 

The wife moved back in around October of 09. All seemed to be going ok for a while. In fact everything was going great. The only thing was, she refused to talk about what went on and had no plans of discussing the problem that got us here in the first place. But if u read my old thread u will see it's just in her personality to do so.

 

After about 3 months of her being back in the house I got in an old email account to retrieve a password for iTunes when I came across an email she had got from the other guy and basically said, "thanks for having lunch with me." I confronted her with it, and like usual she played it off and said they just had lunch at the local Steak N Shake. I dropped it because there was no trust on my part for her and I was just happy the kids were back under my roof. Then, I checked that email account a couple of months later and her step dad, her moms new husband of about 5 years was sending emails that got more and more provocative with each week. This time I printed the emails off and put them in a lock box at our local bank for safe keeping. I confronted her with this and she said it was him doing it and not her. I could only see the stuff he was sending her. I know my wife and believe me, she enjoys the attention no matter where it comes from.

 

Now I'm stuck. She still does whatever she wants to and I'm over it. Tonight she decided to take the kids to her brothers for a birthday party to celebrate his daughters 1st birthday and I get no invite. She just came home, took the kids and I've got no phone call from her to tell me my family's ok. Because she cheated, I'm the rotten one. How is this? I don't get it.

 

Anyone have any suggestions?

 

Should I kick her out? That means I get to see my kids 50/50. This is not what I want. Do I just not even mention it and when she gets home after church tomorrow just pretend nothing happened? I would love to get a divorce, but damn, I love those little girls of mine.

 

Divorce isn't about the kids Derek, theres other avenues for working on that.

 

What do you want to do in regards to her? That is the question. There are lots of things going on here, and from lots of different directions.

 

If I read the part about her step dad right (please tell me i didn't ) then thats a conversation you definitely need to have First with her and then if need be with your mother in law.

 

There also needs to be respect, pure and simple, if she just does whatever she likes in the marriage with no regard for you or the family then that is a dead end street and something that needs to be hashed out in detail, and preferably with a counselor!

 

TOJAZ

[Derek12b]

Derek!!!!! Sorry to see you back bud, its been a long time.

 

Heres the post from coping...

 

 

 

Divorce isn't about the kids Derek, theres other avenues for working on that.

 

What do you want to do in regards to her? That is the question. There are lots of things going on here, and from lots of different directions.

 

If I read the part about her step dad right (please tell me i didn't ) then thats a conversation you definitely need to have First with her and then if need be with your mother in law.

 

There also needs to be respect, pure and simple, if she just does whatever she likes in the marriage with no regard for you or the family then that is a dead end street and something that needs to be hashed out in detail, and preferably with a counselor!

 

TOJAZ

 

Thanks for the words of wisdom TOJAZ. You didn't read that wrong either, there was an online affair going on.

 

I'm stuck behind a rock and hard place on this one. The worst part is...all the warning signs were there, I just chose to over look them due to the fact she was 5 years younger than me and she had never been any farther away from her mom than 30 miles EVER.

 

Should I just kick her out? Should I make life rough on her so she leaves this house? Anyway, how are you? I'm going to go back and read your story here in a minute.

[tojaz]

Thanks for the words of wisdom TOJAZ. You didn't read that wrong either, there was an online affair going on.

 

I'm stuck behind a rock and hard place on this one. The worst part is...all the warning signs were there, I just chose to over look them due to the fact she was 5 years younger than me and she had never been any farther away from her mom than 30 miles EVER.

 

Should I just kick her out? Should I make life rough on her so she leaves this house? Anyway, how are you? I'm going to go back and read your story here in a minute.

 

Don't worry about that Derek, my story didn't have the happy ending we all hope for here, but I'm doing good. Plenty of scars but a whole lot wiser!

 

If your mind is set that divorce is the best thing, then I would suggest being as upfront as you can about it. Thats usually the best and most honorable course of action regardless. Sit her down, and tell her what your feeling as calmly and as clearly as you can muster. This sight is littered with people who saw theirr relationships end with only questions and doubt left in its place. When you were here before i followed your thread, your not the kind of guy that would want to knowingly do that to someone else, regardless of what has been done in the past. If it is time to call it quits, then theres a right way and a wrong way to do it. Do it right! Its going to hurt either way, but there are things you can do to keep that to a minimum. Let go the way you would want to be let go.

 

TOJAZ

[Derek12b]

Don't worry about that Derek, my story didn't have the happy ending we all hope for here, but I'm doing good. Plenty of scars but a whole lot wiser!

 

If your mind is set that divorce is the best thing, then I would suggest being as upfront as you can about it. Thats usually the best and most honorable course of action regardless. Sit her down, and tell her what your feeling as calmly and as clearly as you can muster. This sight is littered with people who saw theirr relationships end with only questions and doubt left in its place. When you were here before i followed your thread, your not the kind of guy that would want to knowingly do that to someone else, regardless of what has been done in the past. If it is time to call it quits, then theres a right way and a wrong way to do it. Do it right! Its going to hurt either way, but there are things you can do to keep that to a minimum. Let go the way you would want to be let go.

 

TOJAZ

 

I'm in Indiana too, right outside of Bloomington. I'll do the right thing but to be honest, my wife just tunes everything out when we talk to setting her down will do no good. She has problems dealing with anything more then what the weathers going to be like for the day. I'm not joking. She admitted that last year when we were separated. She has NO hobbies, she doesn't cook, clean, sex is ALWAYS instigated by me, and not one time, ever, has she mentioned one place she'd like to go. She's never said one place she wants to see or go do. I have to plan all of our activities. I took her bowling two seeks ago and it was my idea, skiing last winter was my idea, children's Museum last month...yeah, you guessed it, my idea.

We are opposite personalities.

 

Sorry to hear your situation turned bad and didn't end the way you wanted it to. When you fall in love next time....you'll be like a little kid again and won't believe how upset you got over a chapter of your life.

[carhill]

Sorry to read the latest developments...

 

If she deigns to talk openly and clearly, observe how she reacts to a man with a gun serving her divorce papers. That oughta be a conversation starter.

[Derek12b]

Sorry to read the latest developments...

 

If she deigns to talk openly and clearly, observe how she reacts to a man with a gun serving her divorce papers. That oughta be a conversation starter.

 

That's exactly how I look at it. I'm going to let my actions speak louder than ANY words can.

I'll admit, I was in a bad place when all this went down about two years ago, but who wouldn't be when your wife's having an affair with your next door neighbor, you just started a business, a fresh mortgage that the ink wasn't even dry on and the kids were taken from me for the first two months ( that was my fault because I didn't know the law, they're MY kids too) Now, it's different. There is nothing more the girl can do to hurt me. I dealt with that a long time ago and that's over with now.

[carhill]

From your recounting of her recent actions, I'd go for a strong filing, especially in the custody area. If she wants to contest, let her try her 'stuff' on a judge. They don't bend so easily, IME. If you're ready for this to end, line up your ducks, figure out Plan B (that's your survival plan) and get moving. Yes, it will be expensive. Yes, it will change your life. Yes, it can be scary. Yes, the outcome is as of yet unknown. *Accept that*. Hug the kids

[Derek12b]

From your recounting of her recent actions, I'd go for a strong filing, especially in the custody area. If she wants to contest, let her try her 'stuff' on a judge. They don't bend so easily, IME. If you're ready for this to end, line up your ducks, figure out Plan B (that's your survival plan) and get moving. Yes, it will be expensive. Yes, it will change your life. Yes, it can be scary. Yes, the outcome is as of yet unknown. *Accept that*. Hug the kids

Agreed! I just got a text from her less than a minute ago. Remember, she took the kids to go to a birthday party yesterday morning and gave me no call last night or this morning. The text said " What r u doing?"

 

I don't think I'm going to answer the text, I know I'm not going to answer the text. I'm just debating the whole...kick her out thing. The kids are just so happy we're together, this is the tough part. Do I just tell her to grab her things or let it go on for longer? The kids have no clue of our problems...remember, she won't argue so the kids think everything okay and when they're not, they know and act like it. This is why I posted again. I knew this this was how it was going to go down. Do I kick her out and send her papers or just let it ride a while longer so the kids grow up some?

[marky1]

All the tragedies that could accompany a divorce, a child's loss of innocence, security and long-term parental care are among the worst.

[Derek12b]

All the tragedies that could accompany a divorce, a child's loss of innocence, security and long-term parental care are among the worst.

 

And thus, the dilemma.

[tojaz]

I'm in Indiana too, right outside of Bloomington. I'll do the right thing but to be honest, my wife just tunes everything out when we talk to setting her down will do no good. She has problems dealing with anything more then what the weathers going to be like for the day. I'm not joking. She admitted that last year when we were separated. She has NO hobbies, she doesn't cook, clean, sex is ALWAYS instigated by me, and not one time, ever, has she mentioned one place she'd like to go. She's never said one place she wants to see or go do. I have to plan all of our activities. I took her bowling two seeks ago and it was my idea, skiing last winter was my idea, children's Museum last month...yeah, you guessed it, my idea.

We are opposite personalities.

 

Sorry to hear your situation turned bad and didn't end the way you wanted it to. When you fall in love next time....you'll be like a little kid again and won't believe how upset you got over a chapter of your life.

 

I remember you were in Indiana, you still owe me a beer!

 

Setting her down probably isn't going to bring her any great epiphany as to how she has acted or the damage she has done. That takes years and lots of self growth, something it sounds like shes actively avoiding. You've already said she pretty much lives in her own little world. It is however the fairest way to go about it. If she fails to hear what your trying to convey, at least you will know that you gave it your best. Think of it as "Freeze or I'll shoot!" as opposed to just opening up with both barrels. What she does with the information is up to her. Speak to someone, get some legal advice and get your ducks in a row, then lay the situation on her. If she wakes up, well, you can decide which way you want to go at that point, if not, then you gave it your best and your well prepared for what comes next.

 

My situation ended the only way it could. Much like yours, my ex refused to look any deeper then what was presented on the surface and had become an absentee spouse against my best efforts. At the end of the day, she is just not capable of being the girl I fell in love with and had our history so twisted and warped there was just no going back. The person she chooses to be now is nobody I would even want to know. Hopefully she finds that girl again someday, she was one of the great ones. Such a waste.

 

TOJAZ

[willowthewisp]

And thus, the dilemma.

 

Hi Derek, I remember you, long time reader. Sorry to hear what has happened. The post you quoted above is spam by the way, some ****** offering legal services for divorce so try not to take it to heart.

 

I know you love your girls, you loved them enough to take back your cheating wife after you saw her at the carnival when she told you nothing was going on. Once again your wife is jepodising your marriage and family by refusing to talk to you to resolve the conflict in your marriage.

 

However, as you know being left really hurts. That's why I am going to ask you to try again, only when you have really laid it out for her, suggested MC etc and really gotten the point home to her that there is trouble in this marriage, you aren't happy, she won't communicate and you want out unless there is change, can you walk from this without regret. That regret may pertain to your children, but it is regret nevertheless.

 

Should you stay and pretend for the kids, no, absolutely not, that is not fair on them or your wife. However, people who say it is better for the unhappy parents to divorce for the childrens sake really haven't bothered to read the research. The sad truth is that children from broken homes have a hard time maintaining relationships and families of their own in the future, in a lot of cases, not all of course. Personally, and it's just my opinion if the children see real effort to work things out and it is impossible, the divorce, although it will have impact, will be less of an impact, if you see what I mean? Now I know it's not you who won't work at it, but like I said, try and drive it home again.

[Derek12b]

Hi Derek, I remember you, long time reader. Sorry to hear what has happened. The post you quoted above is spam by the way, some ****** offering legal services for divorce so try not to take it to heart.

 

I know you love your girls, you loved them enough to take back your cheating wife after you saw her at the carnival when she told you nothing was going on. Once again your wife is jepodising your marriage and family by refusing to talk to you to resolve the conflict in your marriage.

 

However, as you know being left really hurts. That's why I am going to ask you to try again, only when you have really laid it out for her, suggested MC etc and really gotten the point home to her that there is trouble in this marriage, you aren't happy, she won't communicate and you want out unless there is change, can you walk from this without regret. That regret may pertain to your children, but it is regret nevertheless.

 

Should you stay and pretend for the kids, no, absolutely not, that is not fair on them or your wife. However, people who say it is better for the unhappy parents to divorce for the childrens sake really haven't bothered to read the research. The sad truth is that children from broken homes have a hard time maintaining relationships and families of their own in the future, in a lot of cases, not all of course. Personally, and it's just my opinion if the children see real effort to work things out and it is impossible, the divorce, although it will have impact, will be less of an impact, if you see what I mean? Now I know it's not you who won't work at it, but like I said, try and drive it home again.

 

No matter what angle I come at it....the kids will suffer the most. She just called 5 minutes ago and was crying about whats going on. She asked ME what I wanted HER to do. I told her the choice was hers and she can either, bury her head in the sand and stay at her moms, or step up to the plate and work it out as a family. All she did was cry and say " I don't know," and since you read my older posts you know, "I don't know" is her favorite thing to say, or by default that's what she says. She's on her way here now and she is either gonna stay or pack a bag and leave. The kids will be devastated no matter how "professional" this goes. I'll fill you in after she gets here and decides what she wants to do. I'd love to just tell her to shove it and leave....but I can't look at my kids and do that. They were such a mess when we were split up last time.

 

If she goes, I'll be okay but I'll never forgive her for what she has put our kids through and continues to put them through.

 

Thanks for listening everyone. You're support is half the reason I can be so strong. All your advice is the reason I have a plan and know how to deal with it.

 

Derek

[tojaz]

No matter what angle I come at it....the kids will suffer the most. She just called 5 minutes ago and was crying about whats going on. She asked ME what I wanted HER to do. I told her the choice was hers and she can either, bury her head in the sand and stay at her moms, or step up to the plate and work it out as a family. All she did was cry and say " I don't know," and since you read my older posts you know, "I don't know" is her favorite thing to say, or by default that's what she says. She's on her way here now and she is either gonna stay or pack a bag and leave. The kids will be devastated no matter how "professional" this goes. I'll fill you in after she gets here and decides what she wants to do. I'd love to just tell her to shove it and leave....but I can't look at my kids and do that. They were such a mess when we were split up last time.

 

If she goes, I'll be okay but I'll never forgive her for what she has put our kids through and continues to put them through.

 

Thanks for listening everyone. You're support is half the reason I can be so strong. All your advice is the reason I have a plan and know how to deal with it.

 

Derek

 

Tread lightly Derek, No need to solve everything in one night. If her tendency is to run from pressure then your not going to get anywhere, let the talk go at her pace, and just be honest about how you feel. Don't ask any questions that put her on the spot, if she doesn't know, let it lie and come back to it another time, right now you have her ear and it sounds like thats hard to come by, goal number one is keeping the lines of communication open, even if nothing gets resolved straight away.

 

Good luck

TOJAZ

[trippi1432]

so...derek...do you want a strategy to manipulate your wife....or do you want to really live life with someone you love and loves you? There isn't a book in this world that will fix it...you read it your way and she reads it hers. If you need a STRATEGY to get your wife to love you...then she never did to begin with and you are better off...strategy..it's not about what true love is..manipulation...it is all about power and control.

[Derek12b]

Well, now that thats done. She showed up at around 5:30 or so and I was outside finishing raking the leaves The kids were with her so I was relieved. We made small talk for about 5 minutes when my oldest, 5 years old, woke up and was crying. I asked her what was wrong and she didn't want to talk. I turned to my wife and asked her if she had been talking to our daughter about the situation and she said, "yes." My little girl started weeping and saying, " I want things like they are," " I want it to be like it was." It broke my heart. I can barely see the screen right now it brings so much emotion out and wells up in me.

 

I wasn't happy that my wife took it upon herself to have such a grown up conversation with my little girl. I didn't let it show and I said nothing, but gave my little girl a huge hug and told her daddy was here. I asked them if they wanted to go out and have a bite to eat, so we jumped in the truck and shot off to grab some wings at BW3's. The dinner went well and the kids ate pretty good.

 

Here's were it gets weird. When we got back the kids started playing and the wife and I started talking. I was calm, I always am, but I was attentive too. We talked for a long time and like usual, If I asked a question, she said "I don't know." I tried not to ask to many questions and just let her talk, this was somewhat helpful because she said "we seem more like roommates and not husband and wife." She said I'm not a very affectionate man. If you knew my wife...you would understand that thats more information in one setting then I have gotten in 1 year. Yes, I do ask my wife, " so how are we doing?" It's always the same robot response, "we're doing good," is always her reply.

 

After that I decided to tell her how I feel. I had said marriage is work and it takes two people to make a marriage with kids a family. Marriage is not always fun. We have our routines and sometimes it drags, thats why we go out for dinners sometimes and I take you skiing or bowling. She thinks it has to be perfect, but it's not.

 

I brought up our conversations we had while we were separated. She had specifically mentioned a couple of things I did that she didn't like, for example, she asked that I not be on the computer so much. I just started my business at the time and EVERYTHING was on the PC. When she moved back in I shut the PC down at 5 or 6 unless there was something that needed my attention and couldn't wait until the morning. She mentioned she wanted us to go to bed at the same time and she likes to sleep next to me. I started doing this when she moved back in, in fact, I bought some new books and after the kids were down we lay there and read most every night before we shut out the lights. She wanted me to not be so serious all the time, so I don't discuss my work with with her now, at least not the heavy stuff. She wanted me to take up some slack with the kids. Now I take the kids to daycare every morning, play with them for at least an hour every night and they help me make dinner....they always did help with dinner. It's daddy daughter time. Also, I make it a point everyday to tell her I love you and not in a generic way.

 

I told her the things I've changed since she's came back and I asked her about the things I've asked for....she paused, and said "what things?" She didn't remember anything I had wanted her to change. So I brought them up. I reminded her that she still doesn't cook, that she still has NO hobbies, that she still has no goals for herself or this family's direction, that she still doesn't clean the house, and that she still never initiates sexual contact. Her response to all of this....yep, you guessed it, "I don't know." I mentioned I wanted to support her doing something, but there are no interests that I can support. With no hobbies and nothing she likes to do, other than going to church, I can't be that supportive because there's nothing to support. It's crazy, in my whole life, I've never met anyone with no hobbies or goals. I've never seen it, and guess what....I married it!!!!!

 

The kids were crying. My oldest was telling her she didn't want things to change and that she wanted mommy to stay home. It was coming to a grinding halt. I told her the ONLY way we can move forward is to go see a marriage counselor. She said she needed some time tonight so I HELPED her pack a bag so she could go stay at her moms for the night. Tomorrow she's suppose to call at noon and have some marriage counselors lined up to call. I %$#!ing hate my situation. She could tell I was serious about the counselor and that I'd finally had it with all her drama. What she puts those kids through with her affairs and bottled up emotions is unreal.

 

I so wish I could end this or just have chosen a better wife.

 

Thanks for listening!

[Derek12b]

so...derek...do you want a strategy to manipulate your wife....or do you want to really live life with someone you love and loves you? There isn't a book in this world that will fix it...you read it your way and she reads it hers. If you need a STRATEGY to get your wife to love you...then she never did to begin with and you are better off...strategy..it's not about what true love is..manipulation...it is all about power and control.

 

I don't want a strategy to get my wife to love me you fool, I want a SANE wife with a brain...I bet whatever your selling, or going to offer can't fix that!

 

[Derek12b]

Tread lightly Derek, No need to solve everything in one night. If her tendency is to run from pressure then your not going to get anywhere, let the talk go at her pace, and just be honest about how you feel. Don't ask any questions that put her on the spot, if she doesn't know, let it lie and come back to it another time, right now you have her ear and it sounds like thats hard to come by, goal number one is keeping the lines of communication open, even if nothing gets resolved straight away.

 

Good luck

TOJAZ

 

I took this to heart when we sat down and talked tonight. "tread lightly" and "no need to solve everything in one night," went through my head a couple of times while we sat there and talked. I''m trying to keep the lines of communications going and it is a rare thing for her to open up. Thanks for the help!

[willowthewisp]

Well, now that thats done. She showed up at around 5:30 or so and I was outside finishing raking the leaves The kids were with her so I was relieved. We made small talk for about 5 minutes when my oldest, 5 years old, woke up and was crying. I asked her what was wrong and she didn't want to talk. I turned to my wife and asked her if she had been talking to our daughter about the situation and she said, "yes." My little girl started weeping and saying, " I want things like they are," " I want it to be like it was." It broke my heart. I can barely see the screen right now it brings so much emotion out and wells up in me.

 

I wasn't happy that my wife took it upon herself to have such a grown up conversation with my little girl. I didn't let it show and I said nothing, but gave my little girl a huge hug and told her daddy was here. I asked them if they wanted to go out and have a bite to eat, so we jumped in the truck and shot off to grab some wings at BW3's. The dinner went well and the kids ate pretty good.

 

Here's were it gets weird. When we got back the kids started playing and the wife and I started talking. I was calm, I always am, but I was attentive too. We talked for a long time and like usual, If I asked a question, she said "I don't know." I tried not to ask to many questions and just let her talk, this was somewhat helpful because she said "we seem more like roommates and not husband and wife." She said I'm not a very affectionate man. If you knew my wife...you would understand that thats more information in one setting then I have gotten in 1 year. Yes, I do ask my wife, " so how are we doing?" It's always the same robot response, "we're doing good," is always her reply.

 

After that I decided to tell her how I feel. I had said marriage is work and it takes two people to make a marriage with kids a family. Marriage is not always fun. We have our routines and sometimes it drags, thats why we go out for dinners sometimes and I take you skiing or bowling. She thinks it has to be perfect, but it's not.

 

I brought up our conversations we had while we were separated. She had specifically mentioned a couple of things I did that she didn't like, for example, she asked that I not be on the computer so much. I just started my business at the time and EVERYTHING was on the PC. When she moved back in I shut the PC down at 5 or 6 unless there was something that needed my attention and couldn't wait until the morning. She mentioned she wanted us to go to bed at the same time and she likes to sleep next to me. I started doing this when she moved back in, in fact, I bought some new books and after the kids were down we lay there and read most every night before we shut out the lights. She wanted me to not be so serious all the time, so I don't discuss my work with with her now, at least not the heavy stuff. She wanted me to take up some slack with the kids. Now I take the kids to daycare every morning, play with them for at least an hour every night and they help me make dinner....they always did help with dinner. It's daddy daughter time. Also, I make it a point everyday to tell her I love you and not in a generic way.

 

I told her the things I've changed since she's came back and I asked her about the things I've asked for....she paused, and said "what things?" She didn't remember anything I had wanted her to change. So I brought them up. I reminded her that she still doesn't cook, that she still has NO hobbies, that she still has no goals for herself or this family's direction, that she still doesn't clean the house, and that she still never initiates sexual contact. Her response to all of this....yep, you guessed it, "I don't know." I mentioned I wanted to support her doing something, but there are no interests that I can support. With no hobbies and nothing she likes to do, other than going to church, I can't be that supportive because there's nothing to support. It's crazy, in my whole life, I've never met anyone with no hobbies or goals. I've never seen it, and guess what....I married it!!!!!

 

The kids were crying. My oldest was telling her she didn't want things to change and that she wanted mommy to stay home. It was coming to a grinding halt. I told her the ONLY way we can move forward is to go see a marriage counselor. She said she needed some time tonight so I HELPED her pack a bag so she could go stay at her moms for the night. Tomorrow she's suppose to call at noon and have some marriage counselors lined up to call. I %$#!ing hate my situation. She could tell I was serious about the counselor and that I'd finally had it with all her drama. What she puts those kids through with her affairs and bottled up emotions is unreal.

 

I so wish I could end this or just have chosen a better wife.

 

Thanks for listening!

 

Derek, why does she have to have hobbies and goals? I don't understand why what she chooses to do or not do with her time impacts on whether you love her? Seriously, pleease explain because I don't get this part? I was like your wife, I was very happy being who I was, being a housewife, my ex told me after he left he wnated me to have more hobbies so he didn't have to spend as much time with me and could see me when he felt like it. So are you saying she is not exciting enough for you? Why should someone change who they are to please another in this way? I was very happy not having hobbies, it didn't impact on him, he had his hobbies and we had our time together, if I want to sit and read rather than go out sky diving what does that have to do with him?

 

By leaving me, he made me into the women he clearly wanted, I am a lawyer now (almost done with the professional stage of school), I have taken up a new sporting hobby, I go out and socialise etc all the things he wanted me to do (apparently, had no idea until after he left), without him. I do them because I have to now, still not because I want to and I have never been more unhappy in my entire life. I long for my old life where I was content and happy and able to be who I am, instead of having to be someone I am not.

[Derek12b]

Derek, why does she have to have hobbies and goals? I don't understand why what she chooses to do or not do with her time impacts on whether you love her? Seriously, pleease explain because I don't get this part? I was like your wife, I was very happy being who I was, being a housewife, my ex told me after he left he wnated me to have more hobbies so he didn't have to spend as much time with me and could see me when he felt like it. So are you saying she is not exciting enough for you? Why should someone change who they are to please another in this way? I was very happy not having hobbies, it didn't impact on him, he had his hobbies and we had our time together, if I want to sit and read rather than go out sky diving what does that have to do with him?

 

By leaving me, he made me into the women he clearly wanted, I am a lawyer now (almost done with the professional stage of school), I have taken up a new sporting hobby, I go out and socialise etc all the things he wanted me to do (apparently, had no idea until after he left), without him. I do them because I have to now, still not because I want to and I have never been more unhappy in my entire life. I long for my old life where I was content and happy and able to be who I am, instead of having to be someone I am not.

 

I understand and I'll explain it. It's not a requirement to have hobbies or goals but you had mentioned being a house wife. She didn't cook, or clean a damn thing and she refused to do any upkeep on the home. You had to have a goal of some kind or you wouldn't have picked law as a profession. You had a passion for SOMETHING. There is no passion. She even got bored of reading and that was starting to wan too. All she did was go to church and hang out at her moms all weekend. While I was cleaning the house and doing yard work, she would hang at her moms all weekend, come home and do nothing. She is always tired and she can sleep for 12 hours.

 

Mondays was House (Tv show)

Tuesdays was Wheel of Fortune and Jeapordy

Wednesday was A.I. and the two mentioned above

Thursday was the same as Wednesday

And on Friday I took them out to eat.

 

I believe you need to take an intrest in something in life.

 

When we bought the home I thought she would take a little pride in it, she didn't. She never fixed up a room or even planted a flower in the front yard. I asked her if planting a garden and growing some fresh vegitables was something she might want to do, she said yes, the seeds and stuff for the garden is still sitting in the garage. She did set up the kids room, but it's no more then two beds, a dresser and some book shelves. She never throws anything away so the kids room is never clean. Our room is never clean. She still has boxes in the corner from over a year and a half ago when she moved back in. My sides clean, her side is a reck.

 

You can't just stand around and look pretty all the time....it gets old. She has never offered me anything to eat or even asked me if I'm hungry after I have a long day and don't get in until 8 or 9 o'clock.

 

My wife is good at three things:

• Having multiple affairs ( our next door neighbor and an online affair with her step father)
  
• Going to church
  
• Being a hypocrite ( having affairs and going to church)
  

Sorry to hear about the way you and your ex's situation turned out.

[Derek12b]

Today she was to pick up the kids, have some marriage counseling numbers and come by the house to talk. I just got a call from her saying she did get some counseling numbers but she thought some time apart was in order. So I'm to pick up the kids and we're not going to cross paths. I was cheerful and she sounded bummed on the phone. Before I would almost beg for her to come over and say "I love you" after the conversation. I don't now. She made her bed...now she can lie in it!!!

[willowthewisp]

Not a passion, a necessity to get out of the emotionally abusive home I currently live in. I asked myself what can I do to get a job that pays well and is secure so I can afford to live, get a home and eat? That's why, primarily, obviously I always had an interest in law, but I would never have done this if I was still with my ex, bc I was happy being a house wife.

[hopesndreams]

Today she was to pick up the kids, have some marriage counseling numbers and come by the house to talk. I just got a call from her saying she did get some counseling numbers but she thought some time apart was in order. So I'm to pick up the kids and we're not going to cross paths. I was cheerful and she sounded bummed on the phone. Before I would almost beg for her to come over and say "I love you" after the conversation. I don't now. She made her bed...now she can lie in it!!!

 

Congrats! Your life will now be so much better without that cheater. You should never have got back with her in the 1st place. How did you two get back together? Don't let it happen again.

 

From what I read of your recent posts, you used her. You didn't give 100% to repairing the M and neither did she because she was incapable of it (not the sharpest tool in the shed) and no doubt, unremorseful. The stepfather? Really? YUCK! That alone should have got her a** booted out.

 

You were complacent, avoided conflict and allowed yourself to detach emotionally. It was a way for you to experience less pain in the breakup and it worked. I'm not judging. It was the way for you to survive.

 

I try to live by, "treat others the way you would like to be treated". Be as kind as you can be to her during this difficult time. NC unless it has something to do with the kids. Don't give her any more chances to try and squirm back into your life.

[Derek12b]

Congrats! Your life will now be so much better without that cheater. You should never have got back with her in the 1st place. How did you two get back together? Don't let it happen again.

 

From what I read of your recent posts, you used her. You didn't give 100% to repairing the M and neither did she because she was incapable of it (not the sharpest tool in the shed) and no doubt, unremorseful. The stepfather? Really? YUCK! That alone should have got her a** booted out.

 

You were complacent, avoided conflict and allowed yourself to detach emotionally. It was a way for you to experience less pain in the breakup and it worked. I'm not judging. It was the way for you to survive.

 

I try to live by, "treat others the way you would like to be treated". Be as kind as you can be to her during this difficult time. NC unless it has something to do with the kids. Don't give her any more chances to try and squirm back into your life.

 

 

I've boiled it down to...I just married wrong!