zengirl Posted March 27, 2011 Share Posted March 27, 2011 I hold myself to a standard that within a relationship, flirting is cheating. Do others? I've never had it be a problem with any of my BFs (they seemed to feel the same, though I never "impose" it as a rule on them, as I know some flirting is harmless to some people), so I'm guessing at least some others do. I was wondering on others thoughts. Link to post Share on other sites
Feelin Frisky Posted March 27, 2011 Share Posted March 27, 2011 Not unless it's really out of character for you. I'm kinda flirtatious naturally. It wouldn't be out of my character to appear flirtatious even if I weren't trying anything. It would just be me being me. Link to post Share on other sites
Macaw Posted March 27, 2011 Share Posted March 27, 2011 I find it incredibly disrespectful, and would possibly end a relationship if it's done too much and too often, but I wouldn't categorize it as cheating. Link to post Share on other sites
dreamingoftigers Posted March 27, 2011 Share Posted March 27, 2011 I wouldn't do it and at this point I would strongly prefer it if my husband didn't. I think that it opens too many doors that are safer and happier left closed. Link to post Share on other sites
Author zengirl Posted March 27, 2011 Author Share Posted March 27, 2011 Not unless it's really out of character for you. I'm kinda flirtatious naturally. It wouldn't be out of my character to appear flirtatious even if I weren't trying anything. It would just be me being me. I'm very flirtatious naturally, for the record. (I still am with my partner, within the relationship, but I shut all that energy down outside of the relationship---it's one reason I could never do a LDR or be with someone who had very little time for me; nowhere for that energy to go!) So, I get that idea, and it's actually why I've so consciously thought about it and decided it was "cheating" to me (a mild form, to be sure), and as I said, I've never really "imposed" it on a partner. Link to post Share on other sites
dreamingoftigers Posted March 27, 2011 Share Posted March 27, 2011 Can we define the difference between being friendly and outgoing and being flirtatious? Link to post Share on other sites
Author zengirl Posted March 27, 2011 Author Share Posted March 27, 2011 Can we define the difference between being friendly and outgoing and being flirtatious? I almost did that in the OP. To me, flirting is actively seeking romantic/flirtatious/sexual attention from the sex you are attracted to, whether it be for actual affection or just for validation/fun. I flirt for fun when single, as well as to begin romantic entanglements, so I do think there is "harmless" flirting (as in flirting that is never meant to culminate). I am still outgoing and talk to loads of people, including strangers, and go out and hang with my friends and yadda yadda even when in a relationship. But I don't seek male attention at all, and I'm kind of careful to make sure that if a guy seems to be flirting with me, I shut it down and work a way in to mention I have a BF (if it's a friend or co-worker or someone I want to talk to for some reason) or stop talking with them. I also make sure I don't engage or I guess emotionally respond to the validation. Others can add their own definitions, if they like. I'd be interested to hear them! Link to post Share on other sites
WorldIsYours Posted March 27, 2011 Share Posted March 27, 2011 I hold myself to a standard that within a relationship, flirting is cheating. Do others? I've never had it be a problem with any of my BFs (they seemed to feel the same, though I never "impose" it as a rule on them, as I know some flirting is harmless to some people), so I'm guessing at least some others do. I was wondering on others thoughts. IMO flirting is cheating. Link to post Share on other sites
Mrlonelyone Posted March 27, 2011 Share Posted March 27, 2011 I vote no. I have never been able to flirt on purpose. For me it's 100% instinctive when I do it and only latter after thinking about it do I even notice it as flirting. Now what you all are talking about sounds to me allot like trying to pick someone up. To me that is cheating. Some people do that as a way of getting a ego boost. "seeing if they still have it." Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted March 27, 2011 Share Posted March 27, 2011 My datapoint is if my spouse is standing next to me while I'm 'flirting' with someone else and she's OK with it, then it's OK; if not, not. I one wishes to determine this boundary accurately, try it with one's spouse around (or SO, for unmarried folks) and see how it goes This applies to any kind of 'flirting', including mail, aural (telephone/skype/video) and electronic (e-mail/chat). Link to post Share on other sites
Author zengirl Posted March 27, 2011 Author Share Posted March 27, 2011 I vote no. I have never been able to flirt on purpose. For me it's 100% instinctive when I do it and only latter after thinking about it do I even notice it as flirting. Now what you all are talking about sounds to me allot like trying to pick someone up. To me that is cheating. Some people do that as a way of getting a ego boost. "seeing if they still have it." To me, trying to picking someone up would be the other kind I mentioned----the kind actively leading to romance. I have, in my life, flirted for sport, with no intention of being picked up or picking a guy up (i.e. with men who'd NEVER in a million years pass my filters), just for the "fun" of it. I see this as ego validation even when it's not directly intentional. I suppose I am uber-self-aware of this tendency. I didn't always used to realize when I was flirting either, and I'd feel guilty about it later (even though nothing "inappropriate" by most standards had happened). Which is why I have such strict self-rules for myself now. My datapoint is if my spouse is standing next to me while I'm 'flirting' with someone else and she's OK with it, then it's OK; if not, not. I one wishes to determine this boundary accurately, try it with one's spouse around (or SO, for unmarried folks) and see how it goes This applies to any kind of 'flirting', including mail, aural (telephone/skype/video) and electronic (e-mail/chat). Interesting take on it, and I agree that is likely the best way to work out such issues in a relationship --- with each other --- but I mean more from a personal perspective in terms of what you expect from yourself. Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted March 27, 2011 Share Posted March 27, 2011 I use this datapoint because I'm historically friendly with women and each of us, both women and men, are unique in how we perceive friendliness and where the boundary between it and sexual flirtation lies. If I'm being typically friendly and my SO finds that to be offensive to her, then we have an issue in our relationship to examine, as well as I need to examine what I consider friendly versus flirtatious. This is not to say that the outcome is precast, but rather bears examination. Since I've had many, many married and attached women flirt with me, I would likely join them in their perspective that such behaviors aren't 'cheating', but would instead describe them as 'inappropriate'. Cheating, to me, implies more intent to de-prioritize one's primary relationship for that with another, either situationally or more long-term. Again, another person's perspective might be completely different and, from the married women I've spoken with on this topic, indeed they are, which brings me full-circle to the 'how does your spouse/SO feel about this?' dynamic. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted March 27, 2011 Share Posted March 27, 2011 I hold myself to a standard that within a relationship, flirting is cheating. Do others? I've never had it be a problem with any of my BFs (they seemed to feel the same, though I never "impose" it as a rule on them, as I know some flirting is harmless to some people), so I'm guessing at least some others do. I was wondering on others thoughts. There are different types of flirting. With intent, with feeling, it being sexual or just plain complimentary, good for the ego and puts a smile on one's face. MOST flirting is harmless and just joking around. It's when one need to flirt and have someone flirt back and there's feelings involved, is when it's crossing the lines and boundries. Link to post Share on other sites
TouchedByViolet Posted March 27, 2011 Share Posted March 27, 2011 No, it is not cheating. If I was in a relationship with someone and saw them flirting with someone else it would upset me, but I wouldn't call them a cheater. Link to post Share on other sites
dreamingoftigers Posted March 27, 2011 Share Posted March 27, 2011 Yeah I would toe the line at inappropriate. Link to post Share on other sites
LadyRashomon Posted March 27, 2011 Share Posted March 27, 2011 It's not cheating and anyone who thinks it is has to get a life. Link to post Share on other sites
Feelin Frisky Posted March 27, 2011 Share Posted March 27, 2011 I'm very flirtatious naturally, for the record. (I still am with my partner, within the relationship, but I shut all that energy down outside of the relationship---it's one reason I could never do a LDR or be with someone who had very little time for me; nowhere for that energy to go!) So, I get that idea, and it's actually why I've so consciously thought about it and decided it was "cheating" to me (a mild form, to be sure), and as I said, I've never really "imposed" it on a partner. Using myself as the standard I don't think of it as an issue because my idea of flirting is just being a little impish--not making a big thing out of it. I'm not in a relationship right now but if I were i wouldn't want to know everything about how my g/f acted as long as she is faithful to me. If she wants to boost her own ego by acting a little flirtty, that's OK with me. I just don't want it to go over the line into real infidelity. And I sure don't want anyone telling me about anything unless it has gone over the line. I want my SO to feel good about herself when she's not with me. So, thus, the freedom to get a little plucky. That's as far as I go myself. But in my case I really don't want to encourage anyone I'm not really interested in. So, my flirtatiousness is going to be shall we say, conservative. Link to post Share on other sites
P&R Posted March 27, 2011 Share Posted March 27, 2011 I see cheating as being relative. No two people see the world the same way... Because of this every person has a different idea of what a relationship should, and should not be, and how they should be conducted. I believe there is only one way to truely answer the, "what is cheating" question. If my SO was standing next to me would (s)he be ok with my behavior,actions and interactions towards the opposite (or same if that is what floats your boat) sex. I will say this though... While flirting while in a relationship can be done with innocent intentions, it can lead you down a dangerous path. Link to post Share on other sites
Lorelei_Lane Posted March 27, 2011 Share Posted March 27, 2011 While I consider flirting actively showing interest in a person, I've been told I have a "flirtacious" personality. I had to ask what that meant lol I've been told that what they mean is I love to kid around with other people, laugh at their jokes, etc. It's never sexual or romantic, it's being very outgoing I imagine. It's gotten me into trouble a lot too because I tend to get along better with men than women, and I think they view it the wrong way. I guess it really depends on the kind of flirting that's going on. My husband doesn't consider what I do cheating, but he will tell me if I'm getting out of hand with it. Which I love, that we know when to open our mouths now and say "that's enough". It's something I think that you have to work out with your partner, where the line is drawn. Link to post Share on other sites
codycat Posted March 27, 2011 Share Posted March 27, 2011 I hold myself to a standard that within a relationship, flirting is cheating. Do others? I've never had it be a problem with any of my BFs (they seemed to feel the same, though I never "impose" it as a rule on them, as I know some flirting is harmless to some people), so I'm guessing at least some others do. I was wondering on others thoughts. Hey there, Just my opinion here but Personally I do not see anything wrong with harmless flirting. If anything it can be healthy. Seeing your partner flirt with somebody whether male or female brings out sexuality. This can be used in your favor. Tell him you would like him to flirt with you the same as he would flirt with others. Him knowing that his flirting does not bother you will inspire his attentiveness toward you. Link to post Share on other sites
Macaw Posted March 27, 2011 Share Posted March 27, 2011 It's not cheating and anyone who thinks it is has to get a life. Fascinating argument. I almost second-guessed myself thinking I was browsing an online gaming forum for teenagers. Link to post Share on other sites
UpCon3 Guy Posted March 27, 2011 Share Posted March 27, 2011 Most of the flirtations I've encountered were of the harmless type... and I also pay the flirter back in a friendly way, too! We live in a stressful world, and any little thing that will bring a smile to ones face and a little warm feeling, albeit temporary, that someone notices... well, it's better than poppin' a Prozac! Link to post Share on other sites
Author zengirl Posted March 27, 2011 Author Share Posted March 27, 2011 Hey there, Just my opinion here but Personally I do not see anything wrong with harmless flirting. If anything it can be healthy. Seeing your partner flirt with somebody whether male or female brings out sexuality. This can be used in your favor. Tell him you would like him to flirt with you the same as he would flirt with others. Him knowing that his flirting does not bother you will inspire his attentiveness toward you. I've never had a BF that flirted with others. In fact, I tend to date guys who struggle to come out of their shells, so I'm happy if they can talk to strangers! However, I just don't think that it'd be healthy if a couple had to "bring out their sexuality" by flirting with others. I also think this would be poor advice if someone were bothered by a flirting partner! "Flirt with me like you flirt with strangers." Goodness, how awkward a conversation that would be! I would be mortified and saddened if a boyfriend felt I gave more attention to stranger than to him. And if a BF ever routinely gave more attention to strangers than he did to me (flirting or not), I suppose he wouldn't be my BF for long. Which is not to say I think my rule (Flirting is cheating) should be imposed on everyone. I'm not even sure I'd impose it on a partner. It's a personal boundary I set for myself. But sexuality should be present within a person and within a relationship without any need for external validation or activity. That's my view. I can see, however, how (harmless) flirting would be natural or fun for certain personality types (and as I said above myself included). But arguments like the one you make, codycat, are what lead me to believe flirting is cheating and why I don't do it while in a relationship. Link to post Share on other sites
WorldIsYours Posted March 27, 2011 Share Posted March 27, 2011 It's not cheating and anyone who thinks it is has to get a life. Okay. Thanks. Link to post Share on other sites
pennyflame Posted March 27, 2011 Share Posted March 27, 2011 Why flirt if there are supposedly no intentions? It's wrong and disrespectful to the other person you're with. Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts