ccde Posted March 27, 2011 Posted March 27, 2011 This is a long story, but so much like the soap/cheater. I have been married 15 yrs, through those years my H cheated on me pretty much every year, very apologetic when caught. But afterward would ask me, what I did for him. Would rub in my face he made more money than me. Threaten me with a divorce, and told me that no one would want me. I have spoken to several of his mistresses and they all told me the same thing that he spoke ill about me as a woman who did not work, was lazy and spoiled. He spoke of leaving me and taking everything down to our kids. My self esteem was so low, I started to go in deep depression couldn't eat, sleep. I don't know how I worked(yes I held a full time job and went to school, and took care of our family) I started losing my hair, alienated myself from my family, because he told me they all thought i was weird and strange. There was so many times I found myself worshiping the ground he walked on. Begging for attention and for him to love me. All the while he would ration out any affection to me "if" I didn't get on his nerves. he made me abort our child because he wasn't ready. I have nightmares about it, I wish I could take it back. I just thought in order to keep him, I had to do what he wanted me to do. I went to sleep most nights by myself. His job transferred him far away, he rented out our house and had myself and our kids move into a apartment. (I lived literally down the street from our house) went from a 3000sqft house to 900sqft apt with 3 kids. In talking to him about us joining him, he would say "who the hell told you, you were coming. You have not proven yourself". He actually told me, I dont want to be married and hung up on me. The only thing I could do is try to get myself together for my kids. I was too scared to ask for money. So we did with out alot of times. I reversed it, and stop taking his calls because of the games he played. So he started calling our kids and telling them he missed us, and wanted us to move over there. Stupid me, we moved all my furniture overseas. just to get there and be treated like trash again. I thought things changed. I packed 3 suitcase of what I could and flew to my parents. Where I stayed, I ended up finding out once again he cheated and had his mistress in the very bed our children and us slept in. in our home. He has flown to see her several times. She was apologetice bcause he told her he was divorce. I felt compiled to let her know, my h and I have herpes. Which he didnt tell her. BIG SHOCK, and that she had a abortion. WOW! My parents took care of my children and I while i just collected unemployment and looked for a job. I did not know what to do. When I asked for money from him, he would ask me why I needed it and tell me I didn't need that much. The last straw was I thought I contracted herpes from being raped when I was a teenager. my husband was the only man I slept with. He confessed he gave me herpes, after years of making me feel I gave it to him. I asked him for a divorce, things got ugly if it can get any uglier. I had to take him to court for support. I kept a joint acct open for it to be easy to make support payments, he with drew a $5000.00. and refused to give it back, called me a money hunger bitch. I could not understand how someone can hate another for no reason, to be nasty for no reason. All I could do is pray for peace and to get through it. I kept all communication down to bear minimum (only about kids, if needed). Started going to counseling and started feeling good about myself, I got a good job was able to move out of my parents house. Had to start over with furniture due to all of our stuff being with him, and he refused to send them to me. Well 2 years have passed, we started be able to talk on a friendly level. I actually started considering giving it another go. He was a different person, very nice funny. Very apologetic about all he did. He told me he was going to counseling. He missed me, loved me. Knew he treated me wrong and wanted another chance. So I told him we can see where things go, 2 months later he starting to sound like that man I knew, very agruementive, at first he called me and text me so much. I loved it! Now its nothing. He wants us to move back with him, I told him not at this time, (i don't feel positive he has truly changed) I have a good job and our kids are settled. He is very mad that I wont move with him, I think it would be a dumb move if I moved so soon after just saying lets give it a go. Here's my question, I have been hurt so much by this man, he is my first love and first everything. But I cant bring myself to be put in a place where he hasn't changed and I am outed with no means to provide for my kids. I am believing more and more that he truly does not understand the hurt, self doubt he has caused on me. I constantly second guess myself. Am I wrong to not want to jump back face first into this. I am thinking more and more that maybe reconciliation isn't in the cards.
You Go Girl Posted March 27, 2011 Posted March 27, 2011 You have abuse syndrome. You should see a counselor. He has demeaned your self-esteem to the point that you show yourself no self-respect. I am proud that you found enough belief in yourself to stay put, not move back to the insanity again, and are keeping your kids in a stable environment. Tell me, just what kind of love do you think he has for you when he cheats on you, hides money, and belittles you? What is left for him to do to degrade you? Really? Can you think of anything? Is there anything selfish he has left off the list? Is that really love? Not my definition, by a long shot.
Author ccde Posted March 27, 2011 Author Posted March 27, 2011 You have abuse syndrome. You should see a counselor. He has demeaned your self-esteem to the point that you show yourself no self-respect. I am proud that you found enough belief in yourself to stay put, not move back to the insanity again, and are keeping your kids in a stable environment. Tell me, just what kind of love do you think he has for you when he cheats on you, hides money, and belittles you? What is left for him to do to degrade you? Really? Can you think of anything? Is there anything selfish he has left off the list? Is that really love? Not my definition, by a long shot. Thanks, when i got away from H, it took so much weight off of me. I stop having anxiety attacks. started feeling good about myself. I let go of trying to understand why, i'm truly at peace, my relationship with my kids has blossem. I am not willing to give up my sanity, my kids stability, and peace.
Rose T Posted March 28, 2011 Posted March 28, 2011 ccde, please don't go back to this man. You Go Girl is right, I think you need some help from a counsellor, here on LS we can give you moral support, but you may need some professional help to keep moving in the right direction. Did you go through / are you going through the divorce? Could he be giving you attention to stop you from taking his assets? Please look after yourself and your children and keep moving away from him.
Author ccde Posted March 28, 2011 Author Posted March 28, 2011 ccde, please don't go back to this man. You Go Girl is right, I think you need some help from a counsellor, here on LS we can give you moral support, but you may need some professional help to keep moving in the right direction. Did you go through / are you going through the divorce? Could he be giving you attention to stop you from taking his assets? Please look after yourself and your children and keep moving away from him. I see more and more that he hasn't changed, I plan on standing my ground. I have been going to counseling for awhile, I was actually diagnosed with PTSD because of what I went through with him. I felt like a zombie for the majority of my marriage. The only thing that kept me intact is I didn't want to loose my kids. I did file for the divorce, however withdrew it, due to us talking about working things out. I wanted to give it a little more time to see what he does, I gave myself a time frame, I have to save money for a lawyer. The thought has crossed my mind that maybe he was playing games. We live thousands of miles away from each other, and have been for over a year. I have no plans of moving, and will be staying here for my kids and I.
Rose T Posted March 29, 2011 Posted March 29, 2011 I see more and more that he hasn't changed, I plan on standing my ground. I have been going to counseling for awhile, I was actually diagnosed with PTSD because of what I went through with him. I felt like a zombie for the majority of my marriage. The only thing that kept me intact is I didn't want to loose my kids. I did file for the divorce, however withdrew it, due to us talking about working things out. I wanted to give it a little more time to see what he does, I gave myself a time frame, I have to save money for a lawyer. The thought has crossed my mind that maybe he was playing games. We live thousands of miles away from each other, and have been for over a year. I have no plans of moving, and will be staying here for my kids and I. Hi ccde, it's really good that you're getting help from a counsellor and that space, literally being thousands of miles away, must also be helping too. Hope we've been able to reassure you that you're doing the right thing! You deserve so much better in life and there will be a man out there who can love you in the right way. Keep up with the counselling and stay strong for your kids. The LS crew is here too when you need us.
dreamingoftigers Posted March 29, 2011 Posted March 29, 2011 Do not make any decisions about going back until you have 100% healed from the PTSD at the very least. My goodness! He will guilt you, he will test you, he will push and pull! Stick to the healing, then maybe see but if only if he has done some serious counseling (and probably EMDR) himself. Set the biggest, hugest most selfish list of demands that you want filled before you would even consider one iota of a percent moving back again. Odds are he won't fill them.
CaliGuy Posted March 29, 2011 Posted March 29, 2011 Cheat on me once, shame on him. Cheat on me twice, shame on ME (for staying with him). You should know what you need to do...
Author ccde Posted March 30, 2011 Author Posted March 30, 2011 Cheat on me once, shame on him. Cheat on me twice, shame on ME (for staying with him). You should know what you need to do... Thank you, I read you Guide to second chances. He hung up on me a week ago, and I have not called him. Nor will I. Through my whole marriage I needed him, and didnt need or want me, only if it was something in it for him. I promised myself in the beginning of counselling that I will not allow myself to go back to I rely on he thinks of me to dictate how I think of myself. For the first time in my whole life. I don't need him. However I did want him( to be a different person than who he is). Also the first I am being selfish, and putting me first. I give better so I deserve better. I want my kids to see how mom did not allow another to tear her down. and that they deserve someone who will love them and respect them to the upmost.
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