Author Eternal Sunshine Posted March 27, 2011 Author Posted March 27, 2011 She craves male attention and is very unsure of what she wants. Classic signs of someone with a lot of inner turmoil that often relates to childhood trauma with a male care-giver. Learning to heal the wounds of the past will put her in a much better place to maintain her relationships much more healthily and therefore to her advantage and happiness. Some men will be sleazy. Some will find you attractive and do things that make you uncomfortable. Your assumption that your boyfriend was upset by you and this other guy getting intimate is a reflection of how you would feel if you were in his shoes. Accept who you are, what weaknesses you have, and look for ways to strengthen yourself in those areas. You tend to jump to conclusions with insufficient evidence. You tend to get overly absorbed in why other people do with they do. You tend to avoid any responsibility for you actions. You tend to avoid potentially difficult conversations that involve things you are very emotive about. You tend to give off a vibe of being really sexy and available, only to not actually have sex with anyone. You're scared. Scared of something within you. Your fella sounds like a really nice guy. He may well be very understanding if you tell him this, if you let him know you are very sensitive about sex. I dare say he may also be willing to be patient, gentle, kind and sensitive when you do have sex with each other. I think he would also benefit from knowing you're looking for help to strengthen your weaknesses, and from more communication generally. Try not to see things as being either the sky falling in or the first day in Eden. Life exists between the start and the end, and it's multicoloured and quite unfrightening when you get to understand your own version of it better. You need to be able to relax more and say no more. The bolded is pretty much true. It confuses the hell out of everyone. I have been called a tease many times. That's why when you called me "easy" it didn't really make sense as I didn't have that many sexual partners. I am terrified of getting hurt. I am terrified of guys using me for sex (it has happened in the past). I also tend to see things as black and white.
Kamille Posted March 27, 2011 Posted March 27, 2011 I am terrified of getting hurt. I am terrified of guys using me for sex (it has happened in the past). Of course. It's pretty normal to want to avoid getting hurt. But think of it this way: you got hurt in the past and you got over it. Whatever happens, you know you have the skills to deal with it. As to being afraid this guy will use you for sex, listen to your gut. Continue to be clear about your boundaries on the topic and be calm and confident in asserting them. There is nothing wrong with him expressing his sexual desire. As long as you confidently assert your own boundaries on the topic (through words and actions), he shouldn't perceive you as a tease. As to when you have sex, make sure it is because you want to, and not because you want to please him.
Author Eternal Sunshine Posted March 27, 2011 Author Posted March 27, 2011 I read page 5 and 6 now, and yes I will agree that most of the advice on there is spot on. Kamille, zengirl, betterdeal, elaina stand out - but thanks to all the others too. I just get upset when people bring NSA guy over and over and over again, even though he is now out of my life and what happened with him was before I became exclusive with my bf. As for my decision not to have sex with the bf yet - it's just a strong gut feeling. I feel like it's not the right time and I am not comfortable in the relationship yet to introduce sex. Another practical thing: he invited me for pancakes on Wednesday - we didn't set the time nor do I have his address. What do I do if I don't hear from him by Wednesday? (It's now Monday morning). He should really let me know but if he doesn't do I text him/call him to ask about the time? Or is that chasing? I just don't want to be the only one that makes the effort.
OliveOyl Posted March 27, 2011 Posted March 27, 2011 Most machines that do SMS also have an instant voice-based service for one to one communication, which is a better way to guarantee near instantaneous responses. Sad, is this becoming the "don't call me, I'll text you" generation?
Kamille Posted March 27, 2011 Posted March 27, 2011 Another practical thing: he invited me for pancakes on Wednesday - we didn't set the time nor do I have his address. What do I do if I don't hear from him by Wednesday? (It's now Monday morning). He should really let me know but if he doesn't do I text him/call him to ask about the time? Or is that chasing? I just don't want to be the only one that makes the effort. He set the plan. Therefore you wouldn't be chasing if you got in touch with him tomorrow or Wednesday to ask for the address. The way I see it, treat yourself and call him. Have fun with this. Calling allows for more flirtatious dialogue than texting. Not only is talking on the phone way more fun than texting, you also won't end up having your usual roller coaster of anxiously awaiting his answer. (Well, unless you end up leaving a flirtatious message, and then have to wait for him to call back ).
zengirl Posted March 27, 2011 Posted March 27, 2011 The bolded is pretty much true. It confuses the hell out of everyone. I have been called a tease many times. That's why when you called me "easy" it didn't really make sense as I didn't have that many sexual partners. I am terrified of getting hurt. I am terrified of guys using me for sex (it has happened in the past). I also tend to see things as black and white. You need to not be terrified. Terrified is not a good, healthy place to get anything done. Be sensible. Be cautious, even if you want (though that borders on fear, too). Certainly don't sleep with him till you're ready or feel a strong enough connection (emotionally). But being scared is only going to cause you to do crazy things. Most of the crazy things people do, when dating or otherwise, have their roots in fear. And "terrified" is a very strong word. I think it definitely expresses the level of fear you portray here. Setting firm boundaries and finding strength within yourself will rid you of your fear. I think that poster is also right about your need (maybe even subconscious) for male attention, which is what makes you appear oversexualized. I think they're a bit cliche with their causes, but you definitely seek out male attention more voraciously than many. I mean, you rarely take time between boyfriends, you obsess about your dating life, you require constant texting and contact, etc. This is an area of your life you put a HUGE amount of energy into, and a lot of it just creates these massive waves of fear. You have a whole wide life. Dating is not ALL of who you are, I'm sure. You will not be crushed by one bad relationship. Or twenty. Don't be so afraid.
elaina Posted March 27, 2011 Posted March 27, 2011 Another practical thing: he invited me for pancakes on Wednesday - we didn't set the time nor do I have his address. What do I do if I don't hear from him by Wednesday? (It's now Monday morning). He should really let me know but if he doesn't do I text him/call him to ask about the time? Or is that chasing? I just don't want to be the only one that makes the effort. If I were you, I'd call and say Hi! and ask him what time to be there. One of the things that I think is important for a relationship is for things to be natural, for you to feel comfortable asking him questions and not be worried over what is the best game move. From what I've noticed, men really love a happy hello from the woman they're interested in, and don't mind answering questions. I don't think it's chasing for you to ask what time, because he is the one who thought of this and he invited you, so you are just asking him when. Men sometimes are a little spacey... not all of them think of everything... that's why many businessmen for example have female secretaries... to remind them of things and think of the details!
Author Eternal Sunshine Posted March 27, 2011 Author Posted March 27, 2011 zengirl - you are right again. I put too much energy into my dating life. There are other aspects of me and my life that I don't talk about on the boards....I have a good career and a ton of friends that love me. I have a loving and supportive family. I even have a few hobbies that have nothing to do with dating. So I guess I come off as crazy on LS - but people that know me in real life would rarely say that. Even my exs - I am still friends with most - don't think that I am crazy. That is because they see all the other aspects of my life too. LS only sees me obsess over various aspects of dating.
zengirl Posted March 27, 2011 Posted March 27, 2011 zengirl - you are right again. I put too much energy into my dating life. There are other aspects of me and my life that I don't talk about on the boards....I have a good career and a ton of friends that love me. I have a loving and supportive family. I even have a few hobbies that have nothing to do with dating. So I guess I come off as crazy on LS - but people that know me in real life would rarely say that. Even my exs - I am still friends with most - don't think that I am crazy. That is because they see all the other aspects of my life too. LS only sees me obsess over various aspects of dating. For the record, I don't think you're crazy. I think a therapist could help you as many have said, but plenty of non-crazies see therapists (I don't see one regularly, but I've gone before during rough times, with a particular focus in mind). You're simply prone, as most human beings are, to repeating the same cycles, mistakes, and anxieties over and over again. Gotta find a way to break the cycle. Therapy is one way. There are loads of others. Not knowing you well, I don't know which one is best for you. I don't think most people here think you're crazy. It can just be frustrating to see someone stuck in the same cycle, and sometimes you seem very non-responsive to anything you don't want to hear (also human), which is also very frustrating. I will say I've noticed that lately you haven't "disappeared" from threads like you used to; I think that was a defense mechanism we could all see, and even improving something small like that, on a message board, is a baby step towards change. Generally speaking, everyone has to change, and everyone can improve. I know personally I never mean any critiques as attacks. And I think that's true of most here. Most here would be very happy for you if you were in a relationship, happy, not obsessing, and free of anxiety.
Survivor12 Posted March 27, 2011 Posted March 27, 2011 "I just get upset when people bring NSA guy over and over and over again, even though he is now out of my life and what happened with him was before I became exclusive with my bf" Here's the thing...if you had been so interested in your bf to have wanted to become exclusive, then it seems unusual that you would have even been considering having sex with someone else. It seems that your feelings for him didn't really develop until he asked to be your bf...making it seem as though you are more interested in just being in a relationship than you are in him. Please understand that I'm not attempting to guess how you actually feel; I am only pointing out how it appears, but if I were to guess, I'd say that the reason you are so eager to question his every move--and hesitant about having sex with him--is that you aren't even really ready to have him as a bf. In other words, you don't sound like you've even made up your mind if you really like him yet and you're looking for a way out. Perhaps it would have been more appropriate to have continued to date him for a while before attaching the label of a "relationship". To me, the "exclusivity" agreement comes after each person has already, in their own mind/heart, decided that they "are" exclusive--that neither wants to be with anyone else--rather than deciding to be exclusive just because they are asked. Like I said, it's just my interpretation of the situation based on my own experience. I'm just offering you an explanation of why the NSF thing has been mentioned so many times. Just some food for thought.
betterdeal Posted March 27, 2011 Posted March 27, 2011 Another practical thing: he invited me for pancakes on Wednesday - we didn't set the time nor do I have his address. What do I do if I don't hear from him by Wednesday? (It's now Monday morning). He should really let me know but if he doesn't do I text him/call him to ask about the time? Or is that chasing? I just don't want to be the only one that makes the effort. All we can all do is what we want to do; what we feel like doing at that time, in that place. You're asking advice, which is good as it shows you want to be happy and are willing to listen to opinions. Now, what you will really benefit from is listening to yourself, your own gut feelings. When you find yourself leaping to conclusions, step back mentally a few steps and pay attention to what you feel and what concrete evidence you have. In this case, you've agreed to meet up for pancakes at his place. At some point between then and now, you'll need his address to get there. If you don't ask, he'll probably tell you. If you do ask, he'll probably tell you a bit sooner than if left to his own devices. So, when do you need to know the address? Well, it'd be nice to have a bit of time to figure out the route and work out how long the journey will take. Depending on the kind of person you are (some like to plan a long way in advance and get it off their mind, some like to work out the details on the day and not split their time planning one day for something that will happen on another day) you can figure out when is a good time for you to find out his address. Okay, so now you know what information you'd like and when you'd like to have it. If he hasn't offered it by that time, ask for it. See, none of this has to do with how you come across to this person. It has everything to do with what you want. Don't worry so much about how you come across and you'll come across as you, the real you, and that is all we all want to see from the people we care about, right? You can apply the same way of honouring your feelings, taking the evidence, and expressing yourself in a way that honours those feelings to everything. Even something as clearly important to you as sex. Assume that he will respect your choices when it comes to sex and just don't worry about it. When the feeling comes to you and him, go with the flow. If you change your mind at any time, you can always stop. This is you, these are your feelings and communicating them well will be to your advantage. Look into cognitive behavioural therapy and assertiveness training. These can help you be less anxious and less frightened and to enjoy life more and more, including enjoying your relationship with your man, whilst also helping you to know what you want and help you to get it without being aggressive. It's okay. Life's a journey and you're at a very interesting turning point in yours. The more you learn about yourself and how to best serve your desires, to honour your own feelings, the more colours will come into your life, the less black and white it will all be and the more you'll feel engaged in the world instead of looking out on it from inside.
Author Eternal Sunshine Posted March 28, 2011 Author Posted March 28, 2011 (edited) He IM-ed me today and while we were chatting I asked him for the time and address and he gave them to me. We also now have plans for Friday night. Seems like he is not about to dump me (at least not this week ). While IM-ing he dissappeared at one stage for 20 minutes. I mean I IM-ed last and he stayed online (didn't go idle) and just didn't respond. I even sent him one "are you there" and he didn't respond to that. Normally, I would freak out with things like that. In the past I would even send a few more "are you there?" or even "are you ignoring me?". But I just waited and eventually he came back to me and said that one of his volleyball friends came online and they were making plans for volleyball practice tomorrow evening and that he is unable to carry on multiple conversations at the same time (he told me this before too, he is just getting used to IM-ing). So I just accepted that and went on like nothing has happened. If I start thinking along the lines "is he chatting to another girl that he prefers over me?" I will go crazy. Plus - he introduced me to all his friends and co-workers as his girlfriend. So at least I am the main girl lol and he has tagged himself in pictures of us on FB. Edited March 28, 2011 by Eternal Sunshine
Author Eternal Sunshine Posted March 28, 2011 Author Posted March 28, 2011 MY last R ended after 5 weeks, so I am extra anxious around this time (mid 4th week now).
zengirl Posted March 28, 2011 Posted March 28, 2011 MY last R ended after 5 weeks, so I am extra anxious around this time (mid 4th week now). I know it is hard, but the best thing to do is relax. I was super anxious when my BF and I got back together. (Is this for real? Will he change his mind any minute? etc etc.) And I still am sometimes, but I mostly just release the anxiety and let it go. The worst that can happen (a breakup) just isn't that bad. I almost think the anxiety of worrying about it is worse, and that anxiety is definitely liable to contribute to a breakup if you succumb to it. Glad you're feeling better about this. Stop worrying so much!
Author Eternal Sunshine Posted March 28, 2011 Author Posted March 28, 2011 Zengirl, Therapy would hugely benefit me - I am currently looking for the good therapist. Someone that is quite aggressive rather than passive and someone with whom I will feel comfortable in opening up to. It's not easy to find. I do know and admit to being emotionally troubled. I think that lots of women go through the milder form of dating anxiety. All my friends pretty much obsess over when the guy they are seeing is going to call, why didn't he reply to the last text etc etc. My feelings get hurt when I am called insane and crazy. Those are too heavy words to use in my case.
Author Eternal Sunshine Posted March 28, 2011 Author Posted March 28, 2011 I know it is hard, but the best thing to do is relax. I was super anxious when my BF and I got back together. (Is this for real? Will he change his mind any minute? etc etc.) And I still am sometimes, but I mostly just release the anxiety and let it go. The worst that can happen (a breakup) just isn't that bad. I almost think the anxiety of worrying about it is worse, and that anxiety is definitely liable to contribute to a breakup if you succumb to it. Glad you're feeling better about this. Stop worrying so much! Even you, the super-logical person gets anxious? BTW how are things going since you got back together? I would genuinly like to know since I followed your story. And you are right, the anxiety is worse than the break up itself. With my last break up I felt almost relieved that I will finally be able to stop feeling so anxious.
zengirl Posted March 28, 2011 Posted March 28, 2011 Even you, the super-logical person gets anxious? BTW how are things going since you got back together? I would genuinly like to know since I followed your story. And you are right, the anxiety is worse than the break up itself. With my last break up I felt almost relieved that I will finally be able to stop feeling so anxious. Things are pretty good. We are communicating better but spending less time together (we were sort of scheduling time together constantly, no matter what was going on in our lives, and it was causing all kinds of stress --- now we have discussed it and decided making the relationship a priority also includes knowing when we have to let it breathe because we're stressed or busy with other things). It is still new, so we are still rebuilding trust. And, yes, I totally get anxious. The thing is not to indulge in it -- not to feed it, etc -- which I very much try not to do. But everyone feels the same fears, I think. I am not so super logical as you think.
betterdeal Posted March 28, 2011 Posted March 28, 2011 My feelings get hurt when I am called insane and crazy. Those are too heavy words to use in my case. Personally, I think most people say or think someone else is crazy or insane when they don't understand them. It's a way some people protect themselves. That's their boundary. As such, it's their's to own, not mine. Sometimes when I find myself getting anxious and I take a deep breathe, hold it, close my eyes, then let it out. That often helps reduce the anxiety. I'm not what you expect from a therapist. You say you prefer them to be aggressive. Can you give a bit more detail about that, please?
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