Author Eternal Sunshine Posted March 27, 2011 Author Posted March 27, 2011 Oh well. I wonder how to find out what he's feeling right now? I don't want to be emotionally heavy so I don't want to ask. I guess I need to be patient and time will tell. If he doesn't initiate anything all week - I have my answer.
Author Eternal Sunshine Posted March 27, 2011 Author Posted March 27, 2011 Well he just invited me to come over to his place on Weds night, he will make me pancakes. Now I am thinking he wants sex - I am not ready. How to tell him this???? Should I respond "I would love to but I won't be sleeping over - just so you know ;)" Is this clear enough?
Author Eternal Sunshine Posted March 27, 2011 Author Posted March 27, 2011 Or how else to word that text to make it clear there won't be sex? I really need help with this.
Author Eternal Sunshine Posted March 27, 2011 Author Posted March 27, 2011 Well he just invited me to come over to his place on Weds night, he will make me pancakes. Now I am thinking he wants sex - I am not ready. How to tell him this???? Should I respond "I would love to but I won't be sleeping over - just so you know ;)" Is this clear enough? Well, sent him this a while ago and he didn't respond! It was like 30 minutes ago.... I was really hoping for something along the lines of "no worries, I just want to see you". Jesus, I guess he thought he may as well get some sex before he dumps me Unbelievable!!! At least I am glad I kind of spelled it out rather than having to fight him off at his place.
Author Eternal Sunshine Posted March 27, 2011 Author Posted March 27, 2011 Apparently nothing He decided to ignore my no sex text...
Author Eternal Sunshine Posted March 27, 2011 Author Posted March 27, 2011 He (finally) responded with: "You sick minded lady did you think that pancakes were code for something? I am inviting you for pancakes, just pancakes and nothing but pancakes :)"
Nexus One Posted March 27, 2011 Posted March 27, 2011 I said it before and I'll say it again. Don't put so much weight on the number of minutes between texts. I sometimes text people back HOURS after they send a text or sometimes I miss a text and reply 3 days later or miss a text altogether. If a woman would try to read something out of the number of minutes before I reply back, then it would probably drive her up the wall. There's nothing to read there, except for maybe: "Texting? F*ck not given."
Els Posted March 27, 2011 Posted March 27, 2011 ... OP, I am still curious why you find it 'unbelievable' that people take more than 30 minutes to respond to texts. I thought it was just the younger teens generation that makes a huge deal out of this! I would advise just NOT thinking about it anymore, going for the invit, and seeing how it goes. Really. You lose nothing much and you gain lots of time that could have been spent thinking about something much more productive.
betterdeal Posted March 27, 2011 Posted March 27, 2011 I said it before and I'll say it again. Don't put so much weight on the number of minutes between texts. I sometimes text people back HOURS after they send a text or sometimes I miss a text and reply 3 days later or miss a text altogether. If a woman would try to read something out of the number of minutes before I reply back, then it would probably drive her up the wall. There's nothing to read there, except for maybe: "Texting? F*ck not given." Most machines that do SMS also have an instant voice-based service for one to one communication, which is a better way to guarantee near instantaneous responses.
Imajerk17 Posted March 27, 2011 Posted March 27, 2011 (edited) I'll say it again: I think you need therapy. Edited March 27, 2011 by Imajerk17
Kamille Posted March 27, 2011 Posted March 27, 2011 Most machines that do SMS also have an instant voice-based service for one to one communication, which is a better way to guarantee near instantaneous responses. Instant voice-based communication? My! That could revolutionnize the world! Seriously ES, you're in a serious relationship with this guy. Stop texting and start calling. I think you use text in a passive agressive way to "test the waters" and that's why you get so anxious (for no reasons in this case) when he doesn't answer straight away. Now, while you say he always answers straight away, you've already documented 3 times when he doesn't answer straight away but answers a totally appropriate answer at some point. So, let this be the tidbit of information: your bf does answer his texts, not always straight away. Next time this happens, don't panic and rest easy knowing he will eventually answer. Good on you for speaking up for yourself and saying that you're up to pancakes, but want to be clear about no sex. I agree with you that a lot of people here are blowing this event out of proportion, by holding your history against you. It's unfair. It's like a couple fighting and bringing back all the past issue. That being said, I do think you have work to do. Do you realize that, from not being able to push his friend off to deciding you would walk away without saying anything if he didn't answer a text, your behavior is passive aggressive? I struggle with passive aggression myself and consulting a therapist to learn assertive behaviors and to understand where the behavior comes from has done wonders for me. In your case, as I've said before, I believe the behavior stems from anxiety - but it also feeds your anxiety. You haven't resolved the first issue you brought up on this thread. In your shoes, I would bring it up on pancake day. Address the issue. It bothered you. Your bf will likely tell you how it made him feel and you can both come up with a strategy on how to better handle the situation the next time you hang out with his friend.
zengirl Posted March 27, 2011 Posted March 27, 2011 This is exactly the kind of advice I got at the end of last relationship making me think that things were somehow all my fault. Your chronic inability to find happiness in your love life IS your fault, or rather, it's your responsibility. Whether or not things work out with a particular guy is not particularly your "fault" --- nor should it be about "faults." I think this is something tripping you up. Blame is not the issue here, but there are only two options for happiness here: 1. The very unlikely idea that you can stay the way you are, with all the issues that continually bog you down, doing the exact same things, and you will luckily happen upon somebody who magically fits with you and gets into a relationship BEFORE you fix these things. This is exceedingly rare; some people get lucky, but you don't appear to be one of them (and frankly I think it's much rarer for this to happen as you get older, because other people are learning to do #2 below). 2. Change a bit, improve yourself, not because of "blame" but because adopting new habits would make you happier and more productive, and get better results. Well he just invited me to come over to his place on Weds night, he will make me pancakes. Now I am thinking he wants sex - I am not ready. How to tell him this??? Just don't do anything overtly sexual and don't worry about this so much. However, I must say, I'm extremely confused at how you were ready for NSA sex with one guy but your BF of a month, you're not ready. I don't really care, and it's not an attack. I just think you're swinging all over the place with your sexuality here, and it's part of what's making you anxious. The suggestion to have better boundaries that some men have made here (and that you've somehow taken as an attack) would help you immensely with situations like this and get these anxious feelings away. Boundaries within yourself are great for keeping anxiety away. It seems like you put all your boundaries outside yourself --- I won't text, I can only see him certain days, etc. Bringing some boundaries inside would be very helpful to you (more closely monitoring your thoughts and feelings and trying to get them to a healthier plane); therapy helps immensely with things like that, but so do meditative practices and some other sources. The idea is to begin to control what's inside. You are such a sea of anxiety. Your posts always sound anxious and floundering, and you give your anxiety about these relationship situations way too much power. Having better thought control will lead to better actions which will lead to increased self-security and less anxiousness, and, over time, better results overall. (Of course, some relationships will still fail. It takes two.) As far as the friend issue goes, you thought it was an issue. People suggested you address it, but only one or two really had issue with it in terms of "blame" --- mostly the consensus was you should address it with your BF so he knows you didn't like it either and find a way to deal with the friend graciously in the future. Then, YOU started freaking out about how this guy wasn't texting you, he was pulling away, it was over, and you weren't going to text him or call him anymore. And THEN people started getting a bit more judgmental. Only after you switched gears like that. Now, you did text him, and it turned out to be a productive decision (you now have plans, you have a chance to talk about the original issue of this thread, you'll have fun, you'll eat pancakes, all is good). But I don't buy into this idea that people "attack" you right away. People point out unhealthy behavior because you seem so unreceptive, and you're always bringing in one anxious problem after the other, I think. At any rate, you did make the productive decision and not the decision you declared here --- "I'm never contacting him again!" --- so that's good. Try to continue making productive decisions and get rid of some of this anxiety. ... OP, I am still curious why you find it 'unbelievable' that people take more than 30 minutes to respond to texts. I thought it was just the younger teens generation that makes a huge deal out of this! I agree. I can take hours to answer texts.
betterdeal Posted March 27, 2011 Posted March 27, 2011 Try out one of the many books on assertiveness training, such as this: http://www.amazon.com/Too-Nice-Your-Good-Self-Sabotaging/dp/0446673862/ref=sr_1_6?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1301237692&sr=1-6
Mme. Chaucer Posted March 27, 2011 Posted March 27, 2011 Dear Eternal Sunshine: Are you for real? I ask that in more than one sense ... If there is anything real about you, do you not see the problematic nature of YOU being in a place to initiate a proposal of casual sex with some guy one day, and then a couple of days later, be "ready" for a serious relationship? And that you were still harping on the first guy not wanting to bone you well into the first half of your (4 week long) "exclusive relationship"? I don't think your "boyfriend" (whatever) is necessarily picking up on the reality of the so-called "NSA guy." Maybe he IS picking up that you are the type of person to do such behavior and maybe he is not. My point is, WHY DO such behavior??? WHY???? You don't seem very happy with yourself, yet you never make any changes with yourself. You just want others to change, including all of us who continue to engage with your dramatic games here on LoveShack. All you seem to care about is how everybody and anybody responds to you at any given moment. I mean, that is ALL I get from you. And whether you are "real" or not, I believe that is at the core of whoever you are. On this very thread, you are dumping on all of us for giving you "bad advice" (read: not what you wanted to hear; not stroking your ego) and then a few lines later, your problem is miraculously resolved (because your "boyfriend" paid attention to you ... not because any actual resolution took place) and you then "really need help" from us. Why do you think that guys usually extricate themselves from you after about 4 weeks? I can imagine why. And I think it's probably a very self protective move on their parts. If you really do have a therapist now, and a good one, I hope you are working hard there.
ccfan Posted March 27, 2011 Posted March 27, 2011 Please listen to the advice given here, it´s not like we are on a mission to be against you, we are simply pointing out (since you opened this post to hear opinions in the first place) what are obvious flaws in the way you handle relashionship behaviour. As other posters said already, you really need to talk to to a therapist and my personal advice is that you lower your defenses and really analize how have you been conducting yourself. A couple hours ago it was that he didn´t write to you and he was distant... you were ready to end the relationship, without assuming your responsability in this event. Now he invites you to eat pancakes and -again- you assume the worst and make a new drama about him wanting to sleep with you over that invitation... honestly i think this guy is a saint and I don´t have a clue how can he deal with this very unconsistent relationship you are giving him... Oh... and as a side note, he IS your boyfriend after all... if he wanted sex that day that would be perfectly normal as that what boufriends and girlfriends do. But instead he´s the only one around you with getting a dont-touch-me sign in front of him ..... the tennis instructor and the jerk friend for sure didn´t get this stop sign.... Really, try to seek some help... to be honest at some point these post get so ridiculous that i´ve thought this was a troll job... hopefully it is
threebyfate Posted March 27, 2011 Posted March 27, 2011 Instant voice-based communication? My! That could revolutionnize the world! Seriously ES, you're in a serious relationship with this guy. Stop texting and start calling. I think you use text in a passive agressive way to "test the waters" and that's why you get so anxious (for no reasons in this case) when he doesn't answer straight away. Now, while you say he always answers straight away, you've already documented 3 times when he doesn't answer straight away but answers a totally appropriate answer at some point. So, let this be the tidbit of information: your bf does answer his texts, not always straight away. Next time this happens, don't panic and rest easy knowing he will eventually answer. Good on you for speaking up for yourself and saying that you're up to pancakes, but want to be clear about no sex. I agree with you that a lot of people here are blowing this event out of proportion, by holding your history against you. It's unfair. It's like a couple fighting and bringing back all the past issue. That being said, I do think you have work to do. Do you realize that, from not being able to push his friend off to deciding you would walk away without saying anything if he didn't answer a text, your behavior is passive aggressive? I struggle with passive aggression myself and consulting a therapist to learn assertive behaviors and to understand where the behavior comes from has done wonders for me. In your case, as I've said before, I believe the behavior stems from anxiety - but it also feeds your anxiety. You haven't resolved the first issue you brought up on this thread. In your shoes, I would bring it up on pancake day. Address the issue. It bothered you. Your bf will likely tell you how it made him feel and you can both come up with a strategy on how to better handle the situation the next time you hang out with his friend.Good advice Kamille!
betterdeal Posted March 27, 2011 Posted March 27, 2011 She craves male attention and is very unsure of what she wants. Classic signs of someone with a lot of inner turmoil that often relates to childhood trauma with a male care-giver. Learning to heal the wounds of the past will put her in a much better place to maintain her relationships much more healthily and therefore to her advantage and happiness. Some men will be sleazy. Some will find you attractive and do things that make you uncomfortable. Your assumption that your boyfriend was upset by you and this other guy getting intimate is a reflection of how you would feel if you were in his shoes. Accept who you are, what weaknesses you have, and look for ways to strengthen yourself in those areas. You tend to jump to conclusions with insufficient evidence. You tend to get overly absorbed in why other people do with they do. You tend to avoid any responsibility for you actions. You tend to avoid potentially difficult conversations that involve things you are very emotive about. You tend to give off a vibe of being really sexy and available, only to not actually have sex with anyone. You're scared. Scared of something within you. Your fella sounds like a really nice guy. He may well be very understanding if you tell him this, if you let him know you are very sensitive about sex. I dare say he may also be willing to be patient, gentle, kind and sensitive when you do have sex with each other. I think he would also benefit from knowing you're looking for help to strengthen your weaknesses, and from more communication generally. Try not to see things as being either the sky falling in or the first day in Eden. Life exists between the start and the end, and it's multicoloured and quite unfrightening when you get to understand your own version of it better. You need to be able to relax more and say no more.
sweetjasmine Posted March 27, 2011 Posted March 27, 2011 ES, earlier you wrote: I can't tell if the engineer guy is not exciting enough due to lack of drama. I still think he is good for me. You know how different people bring out different sides of you? Well, he brings out my rational and logical side - this is not a bad thing. If it's the same guy, how do you feel about that now? Is he exciting enough for you? I'm concerned that you're so used to being in situations where there's a lot of drama and anxiety that you do things to create those feelings in yourself because you'd be bored stiff otherwise.
elaina Posted March 27, 2011 Posted March 27, 2011 (edited) He (finally) responded with: "You sick minded lady did you think that pancakes were code for something? I am inviting you for pancakes, just pancakes and nothing but pancakes :)" Awww:love: Eternal Sunshine, I personally think you have a gem of a man. Please don't freak out. Remember that you have been hurt a lot in your past, but this man is not your past. This man is your present and hopefully, your future. Please don't get so walled up and instantly try to protect yourself. I understand why you do, cause you've been hurt so many times before. But this guy seems like a real man, not just some player. I hope you have a great time with him and enjoy getting to know him!!! That's a cute answer lol he sent you. And don't worry so much about how long it takes for someone to respond, ok? If I were you, I'd send a text back to him saying "sounds lovely... can't wait to see you! " About the NSA guy... don't let that get you down. The past is the past... water running under the bridge. Now is what matters, so carpe diem! (Don't know if I spelled that right lol.) Edited March 27, 2011 by elaina
Star Gazer Posted March 27, 2011 Posted March 27, 2011 My text of "see you next week" may not require a response, but he has always enthusiastically responded in the past, 100% of the time. NOONE can maintain enthusiastic communication 100% of the time FOR FOREVER. Expecting him to, particularly if he's a little peeved about something, isn't only unreasonable, it's straight up irrational. That you're basing your decision to breakup with him (by just never contacting him again?!?) on THIS - his nonresponsiveness to a text that didn't even call for a response!!! - is just........ludicrous.
Star Gazer Posted March 27, 2011 Posted March 27, 2011 At around 4 week mark, they start to fade. Not sure why - but it has happened many times before. You're recognizing a time pattern, and the guys' patterns in withdrawing from you... but not YOUR OWN patterns.
Bridgey Posted March 27, 2011 Posted March 27, 2011 Well, sent him this a while ago and he didn't respond! It was like 30 minutes ago.... I was really hoping for something along the lines of "no worries, I just want to see you". Jesus, I guess he thought he may as well get some sex before he dumps me Unbelievable!!! At least I am glad I kind of spelled it out rather than having to fight him off at his place. You draw the most unbelievable conclusions from completely innocent text messages. You sound like you're 17 most of the time. Instead of relying on text messages all the time, call him. Then you can hear the tone of his voice and you won't sit around thinking he hates you because he doesn't respond right away. If you over analyze everything you're never going to be happy in a relationship.
WorldIsYours Posted March 27, 2011 Posted March 27, 2011 I don't know why are you even with him. Your actions show nothing but selfishness, secrecy, and ignorance to your BF. Let him go.
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