How to handle BF's close friend flirting with me

[Mme. Chaucer]

I am pretty sure that this is over. There is a strong sense a deja-vu of what happened last time.

 

My text of "see you next week" may not require a response, but he has always enthusiastically responded in the past, 100% of the time.

 

My plan is not to contact him again. I am not even going to contact him to talk about breaking up. If I never hear from him again, then that's it.

 

I am OK because I was careful not to invest too much too soon into this. I feel mildly disappointined but not heartbroken which is what one should feel after 4 week thing ends or is about to end.

 

True to form! Believe me, you're not the only one with deja-vu. Is it groundhog day?

 

Tell me. Why do you even bother having "boyfriends" if this is how you handle a relationship?

 

This one wasn't exactly built on a solid foundation, you having been after some other guy for sex 3 days before the two of you became "exclusive," but still. If this guy was worth the label of "Eternal Sunshine's Exclusive Boyfriend," I would certainly think he would be worth some open communication.

 

I wonder why you engaged with the guys sleazy friend?

 

In one of your recent posts, since you became a whole new woman and got a new online persona, you said that you were now going to treat other people the way you'd like to be treated. I cringe to imagine the outrage if your "boyfriend," for whatever reason, chose to just check out of your relationship with not even a word of explanation. Oh, heavens.

[Imajerk17]

Yeah, this whole relationship sounded like a sham to me too. The NSA sex guy was one reason... I wonder if ES comes across as "easy". Not just sexually, but emotionally.

 

Although to be fair I don't think ES meant she was just going to fade. I think she meant that the ball is in his court.

 

I couldn't imagine becoming exclusive with a girl who offered NSA sex to a guy 3 days before. I couldn't imagine a *healthy* woman becoming exclusive 72 hours after offering NSA sex. Ewww.....

Edited March 27, 2011 by Imajerk17

[whichwayisup]

My plan is not to contact him again. I am not even going to contact him to talk about breaking up. If I never hear from him again, then that's it.

 

Is he your boyfriend or not? Is he casual, no strings attached? Just a f.ck buddy?

 

If you two ARE bf/gf, then talk to him! OMG, to just walk away, be passive and not say ANYTHING is just..Sorry to say..Is insane!

 

Either way, you two were a couple and a conversation should happen either to break up or to just to talk things out.

[betterdeal]

I don't think it was a test (not consciously at least), nor do I think he is now pissed off because of that.

 

I think he just lost interest in me for whatever reason. It usually happens around 1 month mark, when people determine if there are any true feelings developing or not.

 

That reason being you're unreliable as this episode amply shows.

 

I seriously do not think that any guy would break up with a girl he truly likes because he has a lecherous friend that likes to hug and dance too close.

 

No, he'd lose interest in a girl who hugged and danced too close to other guys in front of him. Stop trying to paint yourself out of the picture.

 

Also, during the evening I made sure I gave plenty of attention to my bf. I wasn't ignoring him by any means. And he knows the history. His friend filled him in before he came.

 

May have been a test for you in that case. You're known to be unreliable and flaky and have poor boundary maintenance, and his lecherous friend amply demonstrated these to him.

 

Basically, I am 100% convinced that bf would have acted the same way (cancellation today and distance, making no future plans) if the friend thing never happened.

 

Sure. Because something similar would have happened and the core issue he has with you is you are unreliable, you turn on the waterworks easily and will sleep with a lamppost if it had a pulse.

 

These are boundary issues. Your boundaries. I've dated women like you and no matter what we do, you keep on finding a way to create a drama out thin air. Whatever issues you have, be they daddy issues or related to your more recent past, you will never have a decent, substantial relationship until you resolve whatever it is inside that compels you to see the world as a maelstrom of male incompetence with you innocently sat in the centre of it.

[Eternal Sunshine]

I am not going to fade.

 

I am going to leave the ball in his court to initiate communication.

 

If he never does, then isn't he essentially breaking up without having the talk? And isn't he doing exactly the same thing you are all accusing me of doing?

 

As for NSA guy, he was my brother's tennis coach, totally unconnected to any of my friends. He arrived from Boston few weeks before we met, didn't know anyone in the city. So bf didn't hear about him - that's for sure.

 

In my last relationship I had a week long discussion of why things were ending. I got ABSOLUTELY no answers. I cried a lot. I lost my dignity a lot. The only explanation I got was that he didn't feel the emotional connection but only the physical one.

 

Why would I want to go through something like that again, only to hear yet another guy give me vague excuses? Why would I give yet another guy the chance to reject me over and over again?

 

If he has a problem with the way I behaved, he can approach me to discuss it like a mature adult.

 

If he wants to break up, he can approach me and break up.

Edited March 27, 2011 by Eternal Sunshine

[Eternal Sunshine]

That reason being you're unreliable as this episode amply shows.

 

 

 

No, he'd lose interest in a girl who hugged and danced too close to other guys in front of him. Stop trying to paint yourself out of the picture.

 

 

 

May have been a test for you in that case. You're known to be unreliable and flaky and have poor boundary maintenance, and his lecherous friend amply demonstrated these to him.

 

 

 

Sure. Because something similar would have happened and the core issue he has with you is you are unreliable, you turn on the waterworks easily and will sleep with a lamppost if it had a pulse.

 

These are boundary issues. Your boundaries. I've dated women like you and no matter what we do, you keep on finding a way to create a drama out thin air. Whatever issues you have, be they daddy issues or related to your more recent past, you will never have a decent, substantial relationship until you resolve whatever it is inside that compels you to see the world as a maelstrom of male incompetence with you innocently sat in the centre of it.

 

 

You are WAY WAY off. So off that I am not going to bother to respond.

[zengirl]

I am not going to fade.

 

I am going to leave the ball in his court to initiate communication.

 

If he never does, then isn't he essentially breaking up without having the talk? And isn't he doing exactly the same thing you are all accusing me of doing?

 

As for NSA guy, he was my brother's tennis coach, totally unconnected to any of my friends. He arrived from Boston few weeks before we met, didn't know anyone in the city. So bf didn't hear about him - that's for sure.

 

In my last relationship I had a week long discussion of why things were ending. I got ABSOLUTELY no answers. I cried a lot. I lost my dignity a lot. The only explanation I got was that he didn't feel the emotional connection but only the physical one.

 

Why would I want to go through something like that again, only to hear yet another guy give me vague excuses? Why would I give yet another guy the chance to reject me over and over again?

 

If he has a problem with the way I behaved, he can approach me to discuss it like a mature adult.

 

If he wants to break up, he can approach me and break up.

 

I suggest you act with integrity for your own sake, not for his.

 

If he moves on without ever breaking up with you, yes he's in the wrong as well. As we've all been told from grade school, "Two wrongs don't make a right."

 

It's wrong for you to move on without breaking up with him/him breaking up with you is all I was saying.

 

But why is the impetus always on the guy to break up with you? If you are done with this, why not break up with him? If you want to talk, why not talk to him? You can say, "Hey, what's going on" and communicate with your partner and get answers (good ones or bad ones) without crying or fussing or dragging it out or losing dignity. And, frankly, I think it'd be good for you to do so and learn that it CAN be done with dignity.

 

I don't think week-long discussions are at all necessary for such short relationships. But a talk about the distance you feel and where the relationship stands wouldn't be that. In fact, it seems more dignified than hiding your head in the sand and waiting for the other person to make all the calls for you. But that's just my view.

[Imajerk17]

I am not going to fade.

 

I am going to leave the ball in his court to initiate communication.

 

If he never does, then isn't he essentially breaking up without having the talk? And isn't he doing exactly the same thing you are all accusing me of doing?

 

As for NSA guy, he was my brother's tennis coach, totally unconnected to any of my friends. He arrived from Boston few weeks before we met, didn't know anyone in the city. So bf didn't hear about him - that's for sure.

 

In my last relationship I had a week long discussion of why things were ending. I got ABSOLUTELY no answers. I cried a lot. I lost my dignity a lot. The only explanation I got was that he didn't feel the emotional connection but only the physical one.

 

Why would I want to go through something like that again, only to hear yet another guy give me vague excuses? Why would I give yet another guy the chance to reject me over and over again?

 

If he has a problem with the way I behaved, he can approach me to discuss it like a mature adult.

 

If he wants to break up, he can approach me and break up.

 

There is still something SERIOUSLY messed up about offering NSA sex to one guy, and then becoming exclusive with another guy 72 hours later. From your history I don't think it was just an isolated mistake, which of course we all make. It's a sign of bad boundaries, and if you have bad boundaries in one situation, you probably have them in other situations. So your boyfriend probably picked up that there is something just not right.

 

Your last bf had serious issues too that were clear from the very beginning. You chose to ignore them though. I'm wondering why....

Edited March 27, 2011 by Imajerk17

[Eternal Sunshine]

Uh no, he didn't pick up that something is not right. He is not psychic.

[Imajerk17]

Uh no, he didn't pick up that something is not right. He is not psychic.

 

Yes he did. We communicate more than we think we do.

[zengirl]

Uh no, he didn't pick up that something is not right. He is not psychic.

 

And yet you are reacting to something you are just "picking up" about something not being right with him. Are you psychic? I'm not saying whether you're right or wrong about what you're picking up, but people do 'pick up' on certain things, maybe only snippets that they then blow up and overblow into even larger things. Surely you must admit that happens.

 

Personally, I think you will have to have a healthy ending to a relationship someday before you have a relationship with a healthy beginning that has the potential to be happy. As such, I hope you will choose to end this in a healthy way.

[welikeincrowds]

Sometimes I read your threads and I feel like I'm not hearing the whole story or something. How can all this caricature relationship stuff happen so rapidly in your life, I mean are you really breaking up with your boyfriend of 3 weeks right now? What am I not understanding?

[ccfan]

Let me get this straight... just cold facts.

 

You want you boyfriend to call you and you are playing this like you did nothing wrong despite the following:

 

1. You offered NSA sex to another guy just days before you became his girl (meaning you did this while dating him)

 

2. You limited the days he could see you to two a week because you just felt like imposing that suffocating rule on your relationship.

 

3. When he cancelled one date (gessing it was on one of the "allowed visiting" days)because he had to pick up his family at the airport you doubted the relationship and opened a post here to talk about it

 

4. While being officially with him you checked some online dating site.

 

5. You went to a club... The jerk of his "best friend" is obviously hitting on you all night and still you allowed that guy to dance with you, to hug you,flirt etc... never putting a dead stop to his behaviour. never showing respect to you BF.

 

6. You did all this in front of HIM.. opening the door for his imagination to think about what can you do if he´s not there... rightfully so.

 

7. You are now unwilling to figth for your relationship and somehow despite all of these events you jumped into a high horse by saying that if he doesn´t call you thats it for the relationship..

 

By reading this and your other posts i think you really need to look inside of you and evaluate what kind of a person do you want to be... sounds to me like you have some issues of your own regarding on how you handle relationships, and loyalty to your SO.

 

Please reevaluate and fix that before you go out again and hurt another new bf that cares for you..

 

This is kind of a paradox that you built this drama as you come here to talk about how to deal with the problems in your relationship while you and you alone are the one causing them..

 

Hope you´ll reevaluate and change, it´s never too late

Edited March 27, 2011 by ccfan

[Eternal Sunshine]

Sometimes I read your threads and I feel like I'm not hearing the whole story or something. How can all this caricature relationship stuff happen so rapidly in your life, I mean are you really breaking up with your boyfriend of 3 weeks right now? What am I not understanding?

 

 

At around 4 week mark, they start to fade. Not sure why - but it has happened many times before.

[Eternal Sunshine]

Yes he did. We communicate more than we think we do.

 

What you are saying makes absolutely no sense. I was multi-dating him and NSA guy for a short time. 3 days AFTER I offered sex to NSA guy - bf asked me to be exclusive. After that point I went NC with NSA guy. And yet he is picking up things about NSA guy NOW and is breaking up with me over it NOW????? After NSA guy has been completely out of my life? WTF???

[Eternal Sunshine]

OK, 90% of the advice here is useless. NSA guy is irrelevant. He was there before the exclusivity, he was out after. I am sick of hearing about this.

 

His sleazy friend (who bf knows has a loooong history of being sleazy) hitting on me is irrelevant. I didn't do anything wrong there. In fact, I made sure to include bf in all of our conversation. I pulled him away and we kissed and danced together (me and bf) for most of the night.

 

This is exactly the kind of advice I got at the end of last relationship making me think that things were somehow all my fault. It led me to a week long discussion and crying and apologizing to the ex bf who plainly told me that he just didn't have an emotional connection, that it is NOTHING I did, that he feels horrible for hurting me this way and that NONE of it was my fault. That I am wonderful and deserve someone who will love me.

 

I am now seeing the same crap play out. And it IS my fault for coming back here.

[Imajerk17]

You know what? I really was wondering why you bothered coming back here too. This is something you need to be discussing with your therapist. I'm perfectly serious here.

 

Something seemed off about the whole situation from the very beginning, and what's sad is it seems like the story of all of your other relationships. If you are going to be picked apart to see the underlying patterns here, at least have it done by someone who can help.

Edited March 27, 2011 by Imajerk17

[Nexus One]

Uh no, he didn't pick up that something is not right. He is not psychic.

 

First of all let me make clear that I'm not saying you're crazy, I don't know you. And you're right that men are not psychic. (Really Nexus? Yeah man, really.)

 

But I'd be lying if I said men couldn't at all detect if there is craziness lurking under the waters of a woman or sense her inner b*tch. Prejudice is not good. However some women seem to give off a certain subtle vibe that speaks and says: "I can go batsh*t insane, I can turn hysterical, I can create drama, I can create problems for no reason, I'm not mentally stable, I'm not right in the head, I can be a b*tch, I can be a psycho, I can be a PSYCHO B*TCH, I CAN F*CK YOU UP!"

 

Oh the horror, TEH HORROR! http://bit.ly/hR5QiT

 

 

 

 

Disclaimer: Don't take this post too seriously. But you know what I'm talking about.

Edited March 27, 2011 by Nexus One

[betterdeal]

You are WAY WAY off. So off that I am not going to bother to respond.

 

I'm bang on the money and you know it. The is uncomfortable at times, but when you accept your erratic behaviour, your choice to bump and grind with another man in front of you boyfriend, your choice to hug another man in front of him were all your choices, you can change yourself and your choices in the future.

 

Now your passive aggressive dumping by not talking routine just adds to his impression of you as a difficult person to know. You're justifying all your choices by blaming us, him, his friend, everyone except the central character in your life, you.

 

Your boyfriend doesn't need to be psychic to feel like a prize chump whilst you give other men access to your body in front of him.

 

You won't tell him you're ending the relationship because there's a pyrrhic victory to be had in pushing him away but interpreting it as him running away, and you don't have the skills to maintain your boundaries in a breakup. Tell him you're ending it. You don't have to tell him why, although a "I'm ending our relationship. I'm not ready for a relationship at the moment. I hope you find happiness and thanks for the good times" would be simple enough, give you both closure, and if you stick to your decision, be a step forwards in becoming a more dependable person.

Edited March 27, 2011 by betterdeal

[betterdeal]

Uh no, he didn't pick up that something is not right. He is not psychic.

 

No, he's confused and hurt. He sounds pretty goofy from his over the top text talk about sex early on in the relationship. He probably can't articulate what his senses and gut feelings are telling him, but they are just as sharp as yours.

 

He's done everything you've asked so far and you still aren't happy enough to tell a sleaze-bag to back off and that you aren't on the market any more.

 

Both of you sound very inexperienced in maintaining your own boundaries and self-respect, and that's why you both have the one month long affairs which fizzle out because neither of you knows how to handle some common bumps in the road.

[Eternal Sunshine]

No, he's confused and hurt. He sounds pretty goofy from his over the top text talk about sex early on in the relationship. He probably can't articulate what his senses and gut feelings are telling him, but they are just as sharp as yours.

 

He's done everything you've asked so far and you still aren't happy enough to tell a sleaze-bag to back off and that you aren't on the market any more.

 

Both of you sound very inexperienced in maintaining your own boundaries and self-respect, and that's why you both have the one month long affairs which fizzle out because neither of you knows how to handle some common bumps in the road.

 

There was never over the top text sex talk. WTF. You are confusing me with someone else.

[leftfordead2]

Well, firstly, I would have rejected dancing with him when he first hugged and wouldn't let go...

[betterdeal]

You're right - it was makelemonade1974 not you. So he's not the goofy guy who launched into a load of sex texts early on. So your ex isn't as bad as I thought he was.

[Eternal Sunshine]

I decided to text him something lame like nothing is wrong.

 

I texted: "How was your day?"

 

We exchanged a few texts, he said he played virtual tennis with his dad and lost and asked me about my day. Seemed really responsive and chatty. Still didn't mention anything about seeing me and neither did I.

 

No idea if he is just being polite.

[betterdeal]

Oh well. I wonder how to find out what he's feeling right now?