Eternal Sunshine Posted March 27, 2011 Posted March 27, 2011 I met bf's close friend last night. Me and this close friend hooked up at a party 9 years ago. We just made out and never exchanged numbers or saw each other again. So this dude is all OMG it's soooooo good to see you..you haven't changed a bit in 10 years etc etc. As night went on, he proceeded to compliment me constantly in front of my bf and buy me drinks. Then when the bf went to the toilet, he pulled me in for a tight hug and wouldn't let go (bf ended up seeing this). He also asked me to dance and then got way too close. I didn't do much. I said thanks to the compliments and went along with the flow. Wasn't sure if I was making a big deal out of this. Bf was acting kind of distant at the end of the night...and hasn't called me yet. It's only 12pm and we had a late night but still..... How do you girls generally deal with this? I will probably be seeing this friend around.
Woggle Posted March 27, 2011 Posted March 27, 2011 Tell him to knock it off and if he is any kind of real friend he will back off. Men are not supposed to do this to their friends.
Star Gazer Posted March 27, 2011 Posted March 27, 2011 You need to tell your BF that you already know the close friend, and how, and explain it so that the friend doesn't make it out to be a big huge deal, because it isn't.
Kamille Posted March 27, 2011 Posted March 27, 2011 In the moment, I push the guy off, give him a look and head straight for my boyfriend. As things are, I think you could easily bring up the topic with your boyfriend, preferably in person, so that you can both see each other's body language. "Is your friend normally that affectionate with women? It made me uncomfortable and I didn't really know how to react".
Kamille Posted March 27, 2011 Posted March 27, 2011 You need to tell your BF that you already know the close friend, and how, and explain it so that the friend doesn't make it out to be a big huge deal, because it isn't. I agree. This isn't a huge deal.
Nexus One Posted March 27, 2011 Posted March 27, 2011 If you don't stop it and your boyfriend has a spine, then your boyfriend will leave you, period.
codycat Posted March 27, 2011 Posted March 27, 2011 Hey there, I think you kind of like the attention you are getting from both guys. The guy you haven’t seen in 10 years is blatantly wrong. And you, knowing your BF is with you are going with the flow of making him jealous, which is exactly what I believe you want. If anything your BF is probably confused right now. If you really love your BF, try not to pit him against the friend. The only thing that can happen here is a loss of friendships all around.
Author Eternal Sunshine Posted March 27, 2011 Author Posted March 27, 2011 It probably isn't a big deal it just made everyone uncomfortable. The friend was over-doing it. I tried to get him to talk to my single friend and he said that she is really cute..but then made no effort to talk to her. I will perhaps wait another couple of hours and contact the bf. He vaguely mentioned something about going to a dance class tonight but we didn't make firm plans. I will just ask him about it...
zengirl Posted March 27, 2011 Posted March 27, 2011 Yes, just be mildly proactive and address it but don't go crazy with it. As long as you don't encourage him, you didn't do anything wrong. Sounds like he was being a crappy friend (the fellow) though. Geez. Was he drunk? I'd suggest not dancing with him or hugging him again, etc. Being a little bit standoffish---still friendly but very firm boundaries---if he's around.
Macaw Posted March 27, 2011 Posted March 27, 2011 Why are you waiting for your boyfriend to call if he seemed odd to you the other night? This "friend" business isn't a big deal, but some people can be very paranoid about seeing what he saw the other day. If you do know that it made him upset and you didn't call him to see how he's doing, he might be thinking that you just don't care about how he feels. I also suggest what a few of the other posters said, arrange to meet your boyfriend in person after you call him, and tell him everything you know about his friend and how it made you unconfortable. At least your bf will know that you are on his side, and not the friend's. And about that dance class, just send him a text. You should really try to contact him before he tries to contact you. Men love to be chased too.
Author Eternal Sunshine Posted March 27, 2011 Author Posted March 27, 2011 Well, things are not good. I texted him about the dance class and he responded that he is feeling too tired and we can go another time. I said "OK, see you next week" and he hasn't responded at all. I don't really think it's just the friend thing...he has been sort of distant - even before the friend last night he was not as engaged as he usually is. And now this is sort of like second cancelation in few days. It just doesn't seem like he is that excited about me... Oh well..
zengirl Posted March 27, 2011 Posted March 27, 2011 Didn't y'all just recently become exclusive? So, he cannot have been acting too distant for too long. The dance class was not really "set" so not really a cancellation, right? And "Okay, see you next week," doesn't really require a response. (I wouldn't necessarily respond to it.) Really, ES, I wouldn't read too much into it. But I would address the friend issue proactively (i.e. You bring it up and make sure he feels alright about it) since those things can be sticky, and it may have looked to him like you encouraged it if there is further story to it he doesn't know. I'm not saying it'll definitely work out, but no use worrying till you have something more concrete. Just relax a bit. Relationships are fragile things, especially in the beginnings, and there is definitely such a thing as "thinking them to death."
Nexus One Posted March 27, 2011 Posted March 27, 2011 (edited) The reactions of women in this thread are kind of mild and I understand where you are coming from, because OP has done nothing wrong, but if her boyfriend cares about the kind of relationship he's in, then he will look at how she handles situations like these. Eternal Sunshine might not have done anything wrong, but if she just leaves that friend doing what he's doing, then she will be in the wrong. She has a boyfriend and that friend should have understood his place in that dynamic from the get-go. However that friend either doesn't know/get it or doesn't care. That means OP needs to firmly convey to him that she has a boyfriend. Her boyfriend must both understand what's actually going on and see that she handles it, preferably in a graceful manner. Men do not think lightly about situations of other men treading into their territory. In the old days these sort of things would be settled by fist fights and that would be the end of it. But in modern society where the female has independence and can choose the mate she likes many guys are looking at how high she values her relationship and take that into their own equation. A woman who handles such a situation well and with grace will give a message to her boyfriend that she values their relationship and that she will not let external factors jeopardize it. Men look for proof, situations like these provide the proof of how highly a woman values her relationship. So if her boyfriend doesn't get the right idea about that very thing and he has a spine, then he will leave. Oh well.. It almost sounds as if you already have that friend on the backburner. Edited March 27, 2011 by Nexus One
Author Eternal Sunshine Posted March 27, 2011 Author Posted March 27, 2011 I am pretty sure that this is over. There is a strong sense a deja-vu of what happened last time. My text of "see you next week" may not require a response, but he has always enthusiastically responded in the past, 100% of the time. My plan is not to contact him again. I am not even going to contact him to talk about breaking up. If I never hear from him again, then that's it. I am OK because I was careful not to invest too much too soon into this. I feel mildly disappointined but not heartbroken which is what one should feel after 4 week thing ends or is about to end.
zengirl Posted March 27, 2011 Posted March 27, 2011 I am OK because I was careful not to invest too much too soon into this. I feel mildly disappointined but not heartbroken which is what one should feel after 4 week thing ends or is about to end. Well that is something -- feeling okay with it -- at least. However, if he is officially your BF, it's cheating if you flirt with, date, or actively pursue anyone else, unless you actually break up with him, regardless of whether he texts you back or not. (And same for him.) Interesting twist on this thread -- about his friend's inappropriate flirting -- for you to announce you were doing this (again) not-contacting-him thing, even to the point of breakup. I'm not saying it's wrong if you just intend to keep to yourself for a bit and see what he'd do, but if you intend to pursue any other opportunities, you ought to actually talk to him and break it off, if this isn't working. Cheating isn't good, and it hurts future relationships as well.
betterdeal Posted March 27, 2011 Posted March 27, 2011 So you gave this other guy a tight hug & close danced with him, and now your boyfriend is acting a bit pissed off. I bet your body language was saying a lot at the time too, and I bet you'd be pissed off too if you had to watch your boyfriend behaving like that with a lecherous friend of yours. If you can't maintain your boundaries when your boyfriend is in the room, f*ck knows what you're like when he's not. Take responsibility for your own actions and stop trying to paint yourself out of the picture.
Author Eternal Sunshine Posted March 27, 2011 Author Posted March 27, 2011 ES, was this a test? Can you expand? What kind of test?
threebyfate Posted March 27, 2011 Posted March 27, 2011 Can you expand? What kind of test?A test to see how your b/f would react if you allowed his friend to take liberties.
WorldIsYours Posted March 27, 2011 Posted March 27, 2011 So you gave this other guy a tight hug & close danced with him, and now your boyfriend is acting a bit pissed off. I bet your body language was saying a lot at the time too, and I bet you'd be pissed off too if you had to watch your boyfriend behaving like that with a lecherous friend of yours. If you can't maintain your boundaries when your boyfriend is in the room, f*ck knows what you're like when he's not. Take responsibility for your own actions and stop trying to paint yourself out of the picture. Exactly. This is your boyfriend and you're treating him like this? Did you even tell him that you knew his friend? Real buddies do not mess around with their friend's woman. And the fact that you flirted with him and let him touch you personally and dance with you shows how you and your boyfriend's "close friend" do not care about him. And now you're ignorant because your boyfriend is pissed at your selfish passive behavior? Let him go so he can find someone who doesn't cheat.
Nexus One Posted March 27, 2011 Posted March 27, 2011 I'm not saying it's wrong if you just intend to keep to yourself for a bit and see what he'd do A test to see how your b/f would react if you allowed his friend to take liberties. You both are kidding right? If I got the idea a woman was toying with our relationship and playing games like you mention, then it would be over before you could blink your eyes. And this has nothing to do with being laid back or not, it has everything to do with witnessing your significant other toying with the relationship, playing a game with you and jeopardizing the relationship. I simply wouldn't be willing to waste any time on such a relationship. If a relationship with her significant other is the most important thing to a woman, then it will show in situations like these and if it's not, then it will similarly show. And if something in your life is important to you, then you simply don't f*ck with that. So a woman better not plant that idea in her boyfriend's head and demonstrate the proof to him before his very eyes.
betterdeal Posted March 27, 2011 Posted March 27, 2011 (edited) A test to see how your b/f would react if you allowed his friend to take liberties. I think it's likely it wasn't, but rather an inability to maintain boundaries in that situation. ES's many posts suggest she can improve her self-image and boundary maintenance to her own advantage. Edited March 27, 2011 by betterdeal
zengirl Posted March 27, 2011 Posted March 27, 2011 You both are kidding right? If I got the idea a woman was toying with our relationship and playing games like you mention, then it would be over before you could blink your eyes. And this has nothing to do with being laid back or not, it has everything to do with witnessing your significant other toying with the relationship, playing a game with you and jeopardizing the relationship. I simply wouldn't be willing to waste any time on such a relationship. If a relationship with her significant other is the most important thing to a woman, then it will show in situations like these and if it's not, then it will similarly show. And if something in your life is important to you, then you simply don't f*ck with that. So a woman better not plant that idea in her boyfriend's head and demonstrate the proof to him before his very eyes. I agree, and I think you misunderstand me. I mean it's not cheating if she just waits for him to break up with her, but if she actively sets up dates with others, not only is she not respecting the relationship she considers "over" but she's actually cheating. She considers the relationship "over" so obviously, it's not a priority or the most important thing to her. The only thing to do is end it well. She can sit back and let him do it from neglect or do it herself, if she doesn't want to engage in the relationship and wants to consider it over.
Author Eternal Sunshine Posted March 27, 2011 Author Posted March 27, 2011 I don't think it was a test (not consciously at least), nor do I think he is now pissed off because of that. I think he just lost interest in me for whatever reason. It usually happens around 1 month mark, when people determine if there are any true feelings developing or not. I seriously do not think that any guy would break up with a girl he truly likes because he has a lecherous friend that likes to hug and dance too close. Also, during the evening I made sure I gave plenty of attention to my bf. I wasn't ignoring him by any means. And he knows the history. His friend filled him in before he came. Basically, I am 100% convinced that bf would have acted the same way (cancellation today and distance, making no future plans) if the friend thing never happened.
Imajerk17 Posted March 27, 2011 Posted March 27, 2011 You probably don't want to hear this, but I do wonder if your boyfriend heard about NSA sex guy. I'm serious. Still, sorry to hear about it. Relationships ending are usually tough.
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