Should partners hide attraction to others?

[nezbo]

In relationships I've been in, especially the most recent one, I find myself getting quite jealous and angry when she even subtely expresses attraction to a guy (usually a group thing with her girlfriends) - even when its someone on a tv show or movie!

 

It came up quite a lot in my last relationship, one time I heard her at a bar saying to her sister 'hes cute'. I got a bit upset, and I talked to her later, her explanation was 'oh no, I meant for her, not for me', meaning her sister had showed slight interest in this guy, and my gf was encouraging her. I kinda accepted that and dropped it, but its something that continued to come up.

 

I found a particular friend of hers (also flatmate) quite annoying in this area. She was quite vain and constantly bringing up which guys (celebs & friends) are hotter than who, commenting on types of bodies and faces. I always got a little bit annoying and upset when this happened around me and my gf participated.

 

Enough women seem to be attracted to me and I dont have huge issues, but I am little bit insecure about my looks, but I dont think its about that. My ex and her friends arent perfect 10s either and I could find plenty of as hot or hotter girls on a busy street (depending on the street=p).

 

When I'm with a partner I'm very loyal, and to me part of that loyalty is not expressing any attraction to anyone else. Of course in my own head and with other guy mates (away from the presence of gfs) I say things like 'Whooah mama, check out the (insert body part) on that fine young specimen'.

 

It can get ridiculous too, it is so ingrained for me that often this scenario would happen with me and my ex-gf; say we are watching a movie, the actress is damn beautiful... gf: 'do you think shes pretty?' me: 'uuh, eh?' gf: 'what?' me: 'nah not really, shes okay i guess' gf: 'oh ok, really?' me: 'eh, yeah' gf: 'that male actor is hot' me: 'sigh'.

 

There are many many gorgeous people in the world, they are attractive, if a partner of mine knew how often I was looking at girls and thinking 'wow!', I'd expect she would feel quite hurt. I want my girlfriends to feel respected, loved and beautiful, so I have ingrained this habit of complete denial into my behavior and I expect (and want) the same from my girlfriends.

 

I have had a girlfriend in the past where this was a mutual thing and neither of us would ever express anything about the attractiveness of someone else. That was ideal for me, it felt really nice.. even though of course she did find other men attractive, I feel like its an important sign of respect to avoid showing it around your partner.

 

Does anyone else feel this way? Do you think this is weird and unhealthy or a quality trait?

[loadofhoopla]

I actually wish my boyfriend would be more like you.

 

When I got into this relationship with him, we had both been through a bit of a rocky road in relationships in the past. We had both been cheaters, although I had never slept with anyone else while I was in a relationship, and he had. So we decided on building our relationship on the basis of complete honesty.

 

So far we have had a lot of problems, many of them stemming from my insecurities-I have trust issues that go wayyyy back. And while my boyfriend is understanding most of the time, I know it gets old for him. He doesn't do anything that would make me feel like he is cheating or is going to (Although keep reading-you may disagree from the comments he makes). He actually makes sure to take himself out of situations where something like that would even be tempting.

 

That being said, he ALWAYS says when he thinks a woman is hot, or attractive. So I have started saying when I think a guy is hot or attractive. The thing is, and I don't know if this is a male thing, it seems that he sees beautiful women a lot more than I would see a good-looking guy.

 

At first it really bothered me, but I am getting stronger and more confident as a person everyday. I love him so much, and I know how much he loves me. He is so good-looking and outgoing that I guess I could let the jealousy issues take me over. But I also consider myself good-looking and pretty outgoing. We balance each other out.

 

Jealousy is a funny thing. It can definitely take over your life if you let it. But at the end of the day, why worry? If someone is or will cheat on you, you are going to find that out eventually. The situation will make itself clear; someone will tell you about it, etc. If that happens, then I at least would know where I stand, and I will walk away and find someone who actually deserves the love I have to give.

 

There are always going to be members of the sex that you are attracted to that you will consider good-looking. Great looking in fact. But to me anyways, any person I am with is always the best looking in my eyes, and as long as he knows that, and as long as he makes sure that I know he feels the same, then that is all that matters.

[loadofhoopla]

Also, I just wanted to add that I really like what you said about wanting your woman to feel beautiful, loved, and respected. I think that is a very mature thing on your part.

 

I really think a lot of the comments my boyfriend makes are due to the fact that he wants to be so honest and forthright with me that he is afraid to even hide what he thinks about a beautiful woman walking down the street. Which, like I said, sometimes hurts my feelings, but at least I know he is not hiding anything. I guess its just a lack of maturity on his part-and when I respond in kind by commenting on other guys, it is a lack of maturity on mine:). I am 24, he is 27. We are just both growing up and learning the right ways to love a partner still.

 

Another caveat-I grew up in a family where my parents have utmost respect and love for each other. They were always great teachers of what love is. My boyfriends parents openly admit that they got married because they were pregnant with him when they were 22.

 

I am pretty sure his dad cheated on his mom early on in their relationship, and sometimes I do not even think they like each other. It scares me a lot to think that a person raised in such an environment might not really know how to love because he has never been a witness to real love. Also, his parents make comments a lot about the opposite sex. I think for my boyfriend something like this is a learned behavior, not something ingrained. Hopefully we can work together to create a relationship of love and respect.

[zengirl]

To me, there's a big difference between realizing someone is attractive (generally) and being attracted to them.

 

When in a relationship, I don't think it's healthy to be attracted to or drawn towards others, but I think it's fine to notice that someone is good-looking. Just as long as you aren't drooling or catcalling or something. Just my BF saying, "Susie is a pretty girl" wouldn't tip off my jealousy meter, but if what he meant was "I'd bang Susie if you and I weren't together -- rawr, she's hot!" or something, and he was actually feeling that attraction towards her, I'd say our relationship was unhealthy.

[Macaw]

There are many many gorgeous people in the world, they are attractive, if a partner of mine knew how often I was looking at girls and thinking 'wow!', I'd expect she would feel quite hurt. I want my girlfriends to feel respected, loved and beautiful, so I have ingrained this habit of complete denial into my behavior and I expect (and want) the same from my girlfriends.

 

Does anyone else feel this way? Do you think this is weird and unhealthy or a quality trait?

 

I am exactly like this. Except that I cannot bring myself to be attracted to any woman simply because she looks good, so I'm not really lying when I say "I guess she's alright/not bad". I've met plenty of gorgeous women when I was younger and almost all of them were stupid and/or snobs... so you could say my brain re-wired itself to find great looks "repulsive".

[Kelemort]

I'm assuming that some of these things happened so frequently that you now have an automatic aversion to other peoples' appearances being brought up.

 

My ex-boyfriend, as much as I hated him, was very good about this. He avoided talking about other girls and their appearances, and that was a mutual understanding we shared. So, I was never really jealous or insecure.

 

My current boyfriend has blatantly checked girls out in front of me, has made comments about every single girl he thought was hot, etc. And my feeling? To go on about it that much, it's just disrespectful. I think there's a fine balance and I couldn't tell you where it is, and it's different for each person.

 

Your significant other needs to be telling you that you're the MOST ATTRACTIVE and needs to be emphasizing it a lot if they're talking that much about what other people look like. I've rarely had that in my own relationship, although the disparity has improved.

 

Tell your girlfriend what's up and how you're not going to tolerate it. If it persists, gently remind her. However, I think comments about someone on T.V. or in a movie should be allowed for a pass - it's just all a fantasy.

[nezbo]

Also, I just wanted to add that I really like what you said about wanting your woman to feel beautiful, loved, and respected. I think that is a very mature thing on your part.

 

I really think a lot of the comments my boyfriend makes are due to the fact that he wants to be so honest and forthright with me that he is afraid to even hide what he thinks about a beautiful woman walking down the street. Which, like I said, sometimes hurts my feelings, but at least I know he is not hiding anything. I guess its just a lack of maturity on his part-and when I respond in kind by commenting on other guys, it is a lack of maturity on mine:). I am 24, he is 27. We are just both growing up and learning the right ways to love a partner still.

 

Thanks Yeah I want the one I'm with to feel more special to me than anyone. and 'not threatened', i.e. I dont want her thnking 'I bet you would have her over me if you got the chance'. If she thinks I'm constantly pre-occupied with the looks of other women she might start to worry (which she wouldnt need to, I've never cheated and pretty sure I never will)

 

I can see what you mean about your bf 'wanting to be honest' too. I guess it comes down to preference, my point of not letting verbalizing those thoughts could be taken by some people as dishonesty, wheras for me NOT being honest/open about that is about respect and loyalty. I really do value complete openness and honestey.... on pretty much everything apart from this single factor!

[nezbo]

To me, there's a big difference between realizing someone is attractive (generally) and being attracted to them.

 

I am exactly like this. Except that I cannot bring myself to be attracted to any woman simply because she looks good, so I'm not really lying when I say "I guess she's alright/not bad".

 

Yeah, I guess I'm just talking about looks, which is only one aspect of attraction (but admittedly a pretty strong instict!). I've been repulsed by plenty of pretty girls once I hear them talking.

 

So I do mean 'attracted to' but only on a very superficial immediate level based entirely on how they look right there and then.

 

maybe I'm just 'attracted' easily and have more thoughts to hide than most!

[nezbo]

I'm assuming that some of these things happened so frequently that you now have an automatic aversion to other peoples' appearances being brought up.

 

My ex-boyfriend, as much as I hated him, was very good about this. He avoided talking about other girls and their appearances, and that was a mutual understanding we shared. So, I was never really jealous or insecure.

 

My current boyfriend has blatantly checked girls out in front of me, has made comments about every single girl he thought was hot, etc. And my feeling? To go on about it that much, it's just disrespectful. I think there's a fine balance and I couldn't tell you where it is, and it's different for each person.

 

Your significant other needs to be telling you that you're the MOST ATTRACTIVE and needs to be emphasizing it a lot if they're talking that much about what other people look like. I've rarely had that in my own relationship, although the disparity has improved.

 

Tell your girlfriend what's up and how you're not going to tolerate it. If it persists, gently remind her. However, I think comments about someone on T.V. or in a movie should be allowed for a pass - it's just all a fantasy.

 

sounds like you appreciate where I'm coming from.

This came up for me/us probably about once a month. Often I ignored it, but I talked to her directly about it several times... usually I'd just go quiet and get in a bad mood, which would then trigger a fight and I'd end up telling her what it was that triggered me off (i.e. saying something about another guy). It was almost always a group thing with her girlfriends, she would never say something about a guy being cute or hot when it was just me and her.

 

BTW this is all retrospective, the girlfriend I'm talking about in this situation.. we broke up a couple of months ago. And I would site this particular conflict as one of a few examples of why we didnt match and could never have stayed together happily.

 

The woman I'm currently pursuing seems way more on my level about this kind of thing.. i.e. respectful and discreet, not gossipy (come to think of it, maybe 'gossipy' is a typical characteristic for those who openly and easily speak their mind about whos hot and whos not)

[Flgirl44]

Ya I have dated men that like to "people watch" it's annoying and disrespectful. I wish I could meet someone who is capable of having eyes for only their SO like I do. It's not that I have to try to not notice others either, when I am with someone I literally don't stir when seeing other men. If I wanted other men I would still be dating and looking is how I see it. I don't want the person im dating thinking I would rather be out there in the dating world, it's not a good feeling.

[SummersEve]

It would get on my nerves, too. It's rude.

[Memphis Raines]

Yes, i think partners should keep their attractions to themselves. Everyone is going to find others attractive. But when my woman does, I just don't want to hear about it.

 

Oh I don't mind the occasional, "Brad Pitt is a good looking guy" if it comes up in conversation. What I don't care to hear is, "damn he is hot!!"

 

And never, NEVER, say anything like this to a significant other about someone you actually know!!!! Thats grounds for getting dumped.

[Hanther]

Hmm I guess my fiance and I are different, then. We love to people watch, and we both point out attractive members of both sexes. Sometimes we make crude comments. Then we laugh and move on.

 

Not an issue at all. But everyone's different I guess.

 

Then again we are both confident in our appearance so there is zero chance of us offending one another.

[Andy_K]

I'm with Hanther on this. There are always going to be other people you find attractive, and if you're both confident enough to make comments & jokes about it in front of each other, that to me feels much healthier than suppression.

[Kelemort]

I'm kind of surprised that the community here is so conservative about cheating/jealousy/other attractions.

 

If both partners can deal with it, that's fine - but that has to be something mutually agreed upon. If either partner expresses upset, it's time to change tactics or consider why that might be.

 

I am comfortable checking out others with my significant other sometimes - but only sometimes. If we both know the person, I'm not thrilled when he's gushing. His biggest mistake? My sister-in-law's sister and I both went to high school together, and we never really had more than tense...mutual respect for one another.

 

I have long known that she is considered prettier and more attractive than I am, and it has been a sour point when my boyfriends have been around her because they inevitably express how attractive she is. I was quite a bit miffed when my s/o gushed, " 'Leslie (not her real name )...Damn, she's hot!'" All the while knowing he'd -never- use that word to describe me.

 

Frequency, words used, and context matters. If he's gushing about actresses on T.V. or porn stars or whatever else - pfft, fair game. I'll even watch porn with him. But I don't want to hear how hot every girl is when we go out, especially if he can't be bothered to even halfway match the same interest in how I look.

[stace79]

Thanks Yeah I want the one I'm with to feel more special to me than anyone. and 'not threatened', i.e. I dont want her thnking 'I bet you would have her over me if you got the chance'. If she thinks I'm constantly pre-occupied with the looks of other women she might start to worry (which she wouldnt need to, I've never cheated and pretty sure I never will)

 

I can see what you mean about your bf 'wanting to be honest' too. I guess it comes down to preference, my point of not letting verbalizing those thoughts could be taken by some people as dishonesty, wheras for me NOT being honest/open about that is about respect and loyalty. I really do value complete openness and honestey.... on pretty much everything apart from this single factor!

 

I think you have a very sweet and respectful outlook on the situation. I may have missed this, but have you talked to your gf about this at a time when it isn't a "Hot" issue? Ie you aren't fuming over it?

 

I would try explaining it to her the way you did on here and just see what she says. I had that problem consistently with my ex - he would always talk about how hot other girls are. He would say I needed to "get over it" because he chose to be with me, but you are correct - it made me feel unattractive or that "if he had the chance, he'd bang one of these other girls". Good for you for looking out for her feelings. That is a trait to be admired.