How do I get this guy out of my head?

[paddington bear]

Weeks and weeks ago I had an amazing date with an amazing guy, he doesn't live near me though. Since the date we've had sporadic contact. And I mean sporadic. I'm now at the point of waiting for him to initiate the next contact and he hasn't for a long time. And as everyone says, if he was interested, he would keep in touch and he hasn't. And I'm not going to keep trying to remind him of my existence. I have some pride. So I guess that is the end of that. He's just not interested, or has met someone else, or whatever.

 

Problem is...while he might not have clicked with me. I have not met anyone that I just felt so comfortable with, who got me, who made me laugh and who I was attracted to like that in a long, long time. And now, despite me logically knowing that nothing will probably ever happen between us, that a fizzle out has definitely occurred, I can't get him out of my head. I'm trying to date others, but no one matches up. Which is totally crap, because they are not matching up to someone that ultimately doesn't want me.

 

Any tips to get this guy out of my head? I'm trying to think along the lines of "how DARE he not want wonderful me?" to make him seem less amazing in my head and like a bit of an *******, but that is not really working. I haven't met someone else who was so clever and funny, and others seem a bit dim witted in comparison, so it would need to be a knock my socks off guy to really get this other guy out of my stupid head.

 

It is ridiculous and I know it is ridiculous, but that is logic talking. Emotionally, I just want this guy to want me back and am pining over him and want to stop it somehow. Any help to stop the pining would be appreciated.

[betterdeal]

It's all in my signature! Take it for what it was: a wonderful time with someone and something that shows just how happy you can be. Take the happiness and leave the sadness behind. And do things that aren't dating but that make you happy, so you get some perspective on life. I find a good massage helps me unwind and let go of harsh feelings. Maybe treat yourself to one.

[welikeincrowds]

You can't stop the feelings, it's impossible. Besides, you should be embracing them as part of the miracle of dynamic human experience

 

What you can do is not engage your feelings. Let them be yours, and let them enter and leave your body like tides. It's kind of like quitting smoking. The most helpful thing for me was the knowledge that cravings only last 2-3 minutes at the most. I could let the cravings wash over me, and soon I didn't have them any more. Had I engaged the cravings -- either by thinking about them and what they mean, or by smoking a cigarette -- I would have either worked myself up into anxiety and/or self-doubt, or I would have undone some of my progress.

 

Dealing with dating rejection is a little bit different from quitting smoking though, because you may have more emotionally at stake. That's because the perception is that in dating, when dealing with someone you had feelings for, is that you are meaningfully judged omg; and upon rejection, you have been decreed a failure, by virtue of simply who you are as a human being.

 

Holy f**k, right? That's some serious ****. No wonder it's so strong and pervasive an emotion. Of course logically we can conclude that it's ridiculous to let someone else (who is not your God) be the arbiter of your worth, but that's just not how it feels.

 

So here's my advice: the suffering comes from trying to fix your ****ty feelings: racking your mind and memory for what went wrong or what you could have done differently, or trying to balance a sack of sand in his place (you saw Indiana Jones right), or whatever such thing. That, and indulging in your fantasies about his image. In other words, you don't want to work yourself up, and you also don't want to smoke a cigarette. You just want to let the cravings pass through you, because you know they're a natural response to rejection and loss, and you know they won't last.

 

This is roughly what works for me. Everyone deals differently though. Some people chew gum when they get a craving, you know? The point is to not engage.

[threebyfate]

How well do you know this guy? The reason I ask is that if you met him through an online dating site, you won't really know the guy since on one short date, this guy won't have displayed his real self.

 

Can you work from that possibility, in that there's no use being invested in a fantasy?

[paddington bear]

threeby, no doubt I have indulged in a fantasy. No doubt! However, I simply keep thinking that I would love to see him again and get to know him more. I guess it is so rare for me to meet someone like this guy who actually I just felt like I'd known him forever and felt I could be myself with. And of course, I just wanted to recreate that exciting and happy time by seeing him again. Further meetings might dispel any fantastic notions in my head, but they won't happen, so I'm left with memories of a very unusual person who really bowled me over, but who I unfortunately did not have the same impact on, for whatever reason.

 

welkie, smoking analogy is good. Strangely with this one, I'm not asking myself why, why, why he didn't want me. He did want me enough to keep in touch and a few things he said led me to believe he was a little bit hooked. But now he has retreated. I suppose it was more that there hope there that at some point it would go further, in fact I was sure of it. Now, reality has finally sunk in. This slow fizzling out is actually worse then the sharp pain of an immediate rejection actually. I'm used to the latter, and it sucks, not used to the former and while it seems better, that spark of hope and surety getting ever dimmer day by day is simply horrible.

 

betterdeal, I'll try. It's hard though to think like that. Obviously, as soon as I think back to nice times, I want more of them. Greedy that way I am!

[threebyfate]

Another perspective surrounds ego. "How could he not feel the same connection that I did?".

 

If this resonates true or partially true, then another angle as a starting point.

[paddington bear]

Another perspective surrounds ego. "How could he not feel the same connection that I did?".

 

If this resonates true or partially true, then another angle as a starting point.

 

Yes, that pretty much sums it up. Is what you are saying, that that is egotistical on my part to expect him to have felt the same connection? He appeared to enjoy my company as much as I enjoyed his, so I wasn't sitting opposite somebody a little reserved and obviously not into spending time with me. And then he kept in touch afterwards.

 

So, what do you suggest, if ego is the starting point as another angle? I don't really want to get into self-flagellation territory of 'oh of course he wouldn't have felt the same way, I just wasn't good enough for him' which will just make me feel more sad.

[threebyfate]

Yes, that pretty much sums it up. Is what you are saying, that that is egotistical on my part to expect him to have felt the same connection? He appeared to enjoy my company as much as I enjoyed his, so I wasn't sitting opposite somebody a little reserved and obviously not into spending time with me. And then he kept in touch afterwards.

 

So, what do you suggest, if ego is the starting point as another angle? I don't really want to get into self-flagellation territory of 'oh of course he wouldn't have felt the same way, I just wasn't good enough for him' which will just make me feel more sad.

Let's deal with some potential truths:

• On one date, it's easy to act.
  
• If he felt the same connection and was free to feel that way, he would have wanted to get together again.
  

Agreed?

[Feelin Frisky]

feel better PB. Trying to make him seem bad by thinking "how dare he" not love scruptious little me is the opposite of where you need to go to get over it. You just have to simmer down and start moving on. I know how it is--most here do. Keep it together and someone else good will collect you soon.

[paddington bear]

Let's deal with some potential truths:

• On one date, it's easy to act.
  
• If he felt the same connection and was free to feel that way, he would have wanted to get together again.
  

Agreed?

 

Agreed. But...urgh. I mean it is probably true, but I hate to think he was acting. Shall we put it like 'genuinely felt like that at the time, but changed his mind afterwards'?!

 

And of course, yes, he would have wanted to get together again. The getting together again was on the cards for some time. But now...not happening. I guess that is the problem. It was on the cards, now it's not, which is why only now I feel that horrible feeling of a: that is definitely going nowhere and b: shame, he seemed like an amazing guy.

 

I know he doesn't want to get together again now. However, knowing that doesn't stop my own stupid head wanting to see him again unfortunately.

[threebyfate]

Agreed. But...urgh. I mean it is probably true, but I hate to think he was acting. Shall we put it like 'genuinely felt like that at the time, but changed his mind afterwards'?!

 

And of course, yes, he would have wanted to get together again. The getting together again was on the cards for some time. But now...not happening. I guess that is the problem. It was on the cards, now it's not, which is why only now I feel that horrible feeling of a: that is definitely going nowhere and b: shame, he seemed like an amazing guy.

 

I know he doesn't want to get together again now. However, knowing that doesn't stop my own stupid head wanting to see him again unfortunately.

Come on pb. You don't need to shift into feeling bad. But in order for you to move on, you need to shift into reality. He doesn't want to get together so it's time to stop thinking about him so you can instead, vest that energy into someone who's interested.

 

Staying fixated on him might easily have caused you to dismiss the other guys you've dated in the interim. Do you really want to get stuck in a rut of your own making?

 

And maybe I'm being too harsh with you but we're talking about one date without any prior history. Your ego can take this. It really can but only if you shift into reality, instead of cycling in fantasy.

[paddington bear]

The thing is threebyfate is that all you are saying I know. This is my stupid problem. I know it, but I can't seem to stop the head cycling into the fantasy nonetheless.

 

Anyway, you will be glad to hear that I have just this moment taken some steps to avoid noticing his presence online, which should help me forget his existence

 

I did have one instance with another guy who I really liked. And normally you don't get to see why it is that you are not right for each other. With that particular guy, because I stayed in touch with him, after some months I realised that had we got together we would have been totally incompatible and am now totally glad that nothing happened between us. So, I will try to bear that in mind with this other guy, that no matter how great he seemed when we were together, in time could be that I'd realise what he already knows, that we are not compatible.

[Nexus One]

I've mentioned this a few times before in other threads, but in my opinion the quickest way to fall out of a crush/love is to see that person with another partner. I'm fairly sure that the sight of that does something psychological and physiological to a person that has the crush.

[zengirl]

I think the only way through is, well, through. Total acceptance.

 

He is not interested. Have that tatooed into your brain, however you can. He is not interested, thus he is no good to you. He will never be interested, thus he will never be any good to you.

 

Don't focus on the person. He isn't what you want anyway.

 

You want to feel that connection with someone who feels it back. You want a lot of other things to follow, not a fizzle and minor sporadic contact. You don't want this.

 

You think you want it because you're all mixed up, but it isn't making you happy, so you don't want it. That's what I do. I ask, "Is this making me happy?" If it's not, I find a way to release it.

[Eternal Sunshine]

Trying to explain the connection thing from the other side..

 

As TBF said, one date it's easy to act.

 

I went out on first dates with few guys. On the surface things went great but I wasn't interested in seeing them again. One even pursued for weeks with questions such as "WHY, I felt like we had such a connection".

 

And you know, I knew he felt that way. Yet, I was putting on an act. I wanted the date to be as comfortable and fun as possible. So I figured what I needed to be in order for the date to go that way. And I played that part. He was really connecting with my fake self. I wasn't connecting at all because I wasn't being myself. I don't do this **** anymore.

 

Your guy on the other hand, possibly had an agenda for acting - to get you into bed.

 

Just pointing out another perspective.

[nezbo]

Well heres another possible explanation:

 

Perhaps the connection mutual and real, but he also had a wonderful connection with another woman and had to chose, maybe both connections were great but this hypothetical other woman was in the right place at the right time.

 

He wont be the only guy you feel like that about either, and it couldve just as easily been you who had to chose between two guys who you had a great connection with. Just a theory anyway... maybe a likely one.

[paddington bear]

Thanks guys, actually Zengirl said something that actually clicked. This is not making me happy. That is the key thing. So you pine over someone that actually is making you unhappy (not deeply I admit, but nevertheless).

 

I get the putting on the act thing, because I went on a date recently. And while I can say that I wasn't putting on an act, he was lovely and friendly and easy to talk to and I was friendly back and chatting away. But, I wasn't feeling it, but I guess he would have had no idea of that. Now he's pursuing me and I'm in a muddle over that, but that is another story.

 

Anyway, this guy, the one I'm pining over was an unusual kind of person, but also I think the type who can talk to anyone about anything, so I think that I thought we had a connection, everyone probably feels the same way when they meet him. I think he did like me back, but with time and distance that just faded as we live miles and miles apart (this is why I can't see him with someone else Nexus!)

 

In any case, thanks for all the advice, gotta move on!

[MarlyStar]

Write it down.

 

Write down everything that happened. Everything you said, everything he said, everything you think about what he said, everything you hoped would happen, everything you think might have happened.

 

Write out all the the speculation: He didn't call because of this; or an alternate scenario, he lost interest because of that.

 

Think of every possible secenario from he loved you too much and was afraid of his feelings (kind of stupid right, but possible) to he was just playing you and really has a wife and 6 kids (not likely, but still possible).

 

Write down what you want to tell him. If you have fantasies of him bumping into in the grocery store--play it out in writing.

 

Write until every thought you had about him, no matter how stupid or painful or embarassing or maudlin. If it was in your head, write it down.

 

And you'll find that you won't need to keep it in you your head.

 

If you need to revisit 'him', you can just reread what you wrote. You won't need to keep it in your head.

 

After a while you'll find the thoughts of him are stale. They're in that file if you need them, but you'll find you never do.

 

It takes several hours over a couple days to do this. But it generally works. It gives you permission to feel what you feel, and because it's on paper 'it's saved', you have no need to store the memories up and keep them polished in your head. It honors them and lets them go.

 

What you are doing is common; it's limerance, and it's based somewhat on chemicals that were squirted out in your brain when you were happy and optimistic. You become addicted to those chemicals and part of what happens is your mind spirals back into thinking about him and what if and what happened because you crave getting those squirts back.

 

If you write it down, and get the urge for those chemicals, pull out what you wrote and start reading. It won't give you the same reaction, You'll skip through parts, and see how shallow other parts are. It's like methadone, and you sort of ween yourself from the process.

 

The process takes a week, maybe two; a few days to write it, a few days to tweak what you wrote, a few days to read it rather than think it, and then the boredom sets in. Also make sure you have no contact, not looking at his profile, no viewing facebook, etc...

 

Also tell yourself, at least you know now what you want: someone just like him but who's crazy about you. Half the problem I think is we believe that he's the only one like that (because these special people come by so seldom), but he isn't. Just believe that you'll find someone just like him but with that one extra thing: he's as crazy for you as you are for him.

[jane100]

Paddington Bear, you sound slightly young/overexcited, though I don't think you are that young from what I remember of your previous posts, no insult intended by the way! And your choice of Avatar seems to suggest the same?* Just curious about the way you enthuse about men ........

Edited March 27, 2011 by jane100

[Eternal Sunshine]

I think the key for me for getting over strong feelings for people is total acceptance. When I had a crush on my boss for 4 years, I couldn't stop thinking about him. But then I would feel guilty because he is married or I also would feel I shouldn't be thinking of him in that way because he obviously doesn't feel the same.

 

I was in a constant state of conflict between my mind and my heart. As soon as I would experience the feelings - the "I shouldn't be feeling that set in" and THAT is what kept those thoughts/feelings alive.

 

Once I totally accepted my feelings as in, right, I feel this way and it is OK. And gave myself complete permission to feel what I am feeling and just let those feelings rise and fall, out of their own natural accord. Only then did they start to fade, when I stopped forcing them to fade.

[jane100]

p.s. Sorry, PaddingtonBear, if my post came across as a bit harsh, it wasn't my intention .

 

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