ComeUndone Posted March 26, 2011 Posted March 26, 2011 ...and to not be offended that my bf looks at naked pictures and online porn. I don't want this to be another one of those long-winded porn threads... I really just want advice on how to NOT let this bother me. Yeah maybe I am a little insecure - I certainly don't share that with him though. Inside, well sure - I am in my thirties and although I have a nice body, but I AM getting older.... and I will continue to get older and get wrinkles and start sagging no matter how much I work out and eat right. FWIW this is not relationship-issue porn use... we are fine. This is his "normal"... The chickies in porn and nude pics will always be young and tight and new and exciting. So someone please tell me how to NOT let that bother me. Don't tell me "he's a man, that's what we do, it's normal" because that's not helpful. How is it he can go seek out these pics and porn yet still find me exciting? Can some men out there please explain to me how this works and how to not be bothered by this? I am being literal here, not being a smart ass. I'm not trying to control him but would really like to not be so affected by it. This morning before he even got out of bed I discovered he had grabbed his laptop and surfed the net, including one of his favorite nudey-pics sites. He's not a morning person (in terms of horniness) and he didn't have the door shut so it's not like he was jacking off... he's not a pic person for jacking off anyway, he's a video person. He was just layin' there looking at them while I was downstairs making coffee. We are on vacation with another couple and we were all just waking up around the same time frame. I'm sorry but I just don't get this. Maybe it's as simple as he was just curious what new pictures had been put up on the site, but it's very hard for me not to take it personally somehow. I internalize it, knowing he chose to lie there and look at these pics instead of getting up. Maybe I'm reading too much into it and if that's the case then please set me straight because I am really getting tired of this bugging me. I'm to the point that I feel like detaching from him so what he does won't hurt me. He is very open about his porn use and I never nag him about it, but.... I feel out of control. It bugs me and I know that's a problem because he'll never stop looking at it and I don't know if it'll ever stop bugging me. Can any guys out there shed any insight?
welikeincrowds Posted March 26, 2011 Posted March 26, 2011 Men (and people in general) masturbate for a lot of reasons, but generally, it's for relief. To relieve stress, boredom, horniness, etc. In that sense, it's best thought of a personal moment one can take to relax, not unlike drawing a warm bath. What it is not is an expression of sexual attraction. You need two people for that. Masturbation uses some of the same organs, but appeases different motives. So why do men look at porn? I would say it's because it's the brain that needs to be stimulated in order to orgasm, and it takes more work for a man to use his imagination to be stimulated. Remember, he's more than likely not trying to have a transcendent experience -- rather, he's trying to relax. You know the running joke about men's eyes diving straight into women's breasts or ass? It's an impulse. That's how powerful a hold a man's visual cortex has over his sexual instinct. Porn is what men consume when they want immediate baseline access to that instinctual stimulation with the bare minimum of effort, because it's a cheap and easy way to orgasm, which is a cheap and easy way to relax.
Eddie Edirol Posted March 26, 2011 Posted March 26, 2011 Usually men look at porn to masterbate to avoid having to have to do the work for their SO. But I dont know why he would want to just look at pictures without masterbating, when he is into you. I only look at porn between relationships, not while im getting any. As long as he doesnt give you an answer that you believe, you will never be okay with it IMO. What did he say about it when you asked him about his need for porn?
Macaw Posted March 26, 2011 Posted March 26, 2011 How is it he can go seek out these pics and porn yet still find me exciting? Can some men out there please explain to me how this works and how to not be bothered by this? The problem is that you are assuming something is lacking in either you or the relationship, and it might not even be the case. Is he getting sex anytime he feels like it? Men with higher sex drives than their significant others will often masturbate to not bother their partners. Have you ever made him feel bad for wanting to have sex too many times in a week? Usually, women believe men watch porn because the female porn stars looks better than they do, or that they want to fantasize being in the place of the male porn star, banging that woman. Both assumptions are wrong. Sure enough, there are guys who close their eyes and imagine themselves being the main actor in such a movie, but many others also take porn for what it is - watching other couples screw each other in an exciting way. Don't feel bad about being bothered by it - everyone has certain insecurities that they fight hard to keep under control... I used to feel jealous anytime I'd find my former gf talking to another guy alone, even if they were old friends or in plain sight. But I kept that inside me because I knew I was the one at fault in the first place. Chances are, people like you and me will not find a partner whom we are crazy about without feeling a little bit insecure or jealous about something they do. Such is life...
zengirl Posted March 26, 2011 Posted March 26, 2011 I guess if there was a problem, I'd talk about it with him. My advice might not be the best. After all, I couldn't be with a man who would grab porn and casually surf it while still in bed nearby me or check out pics everyday. . . but I don't think it's "wrong." I just think his style and my style would be very different. That said, I wouldn't be upset if I heard my BF looked at occasional porn, and I assumes he does. It's not my thing, but I wouldn't even be opposed to getting drunk and watching something together or somesuch, as I'm not a huge prude (I mean, the porn awards were today --- a red carpet event, who knew! --- and my male roommate was watching them, and we talked about it some). I just don't like habitual/daily porn use any more than daily alcohol use, gambling, drug use, daily eating fast food, etc. It doesn't fit into my parameters of "healthy" (but those are just mine). If it's just jealousy over the youth and beauty of the figures, I'd say that you need to work through that for yourself and understand that what he gets from you -- if your relationship is strong otherwise -- is much more important than a skin pic. They are shallow pretty things, sure, but your connection is emotional and intellectual, and that makes your sexual connection better, hopefully. When he sleeps with you, he's having sex with a person, not an idea. Those pretty girls may be trim and sexy forever, but they're just ideas.
jane100 Posted March 26, 2011 Posted March 26, 2011 With your choice of avatar, ComeUndone, yours seems a puzzling complaint ... But that aside, I find it amazing what young women put up with nowadays ...
LeaningIntoTheMuse Posted March 26, 2011 Posted March 26, 2011 It's a fantasy. He knows he can't have those girls, therefore it's appealing to him. Same as anything that you can't have is appealing to you.
dreamingoftigers Posted March 26, 2011 Posted March 26, 2011 It's a fantasy. He knows he can't have those girls, therefore it's appealing to him. Same as anything that you can't have is appealing to you. That's great! So he is longing for them, but at least he can have her, right? OP, if you find out how not to let it bother you, let me know.
allenmj Posted March 27, 2011 Posted March 27, 2011 With your choice of avatar, ComeUndone, yours seems a puzzling complaint ... ... I was thinking the same thing myself.
Author ComeUndone Posted March 27, 2011 Author Posted March 27, 2011 The problem is that you are assuming something is lacking in either you or the relationship, and it might not even be the case. Is he getting sex anytime he feels like it? Men with higher sex drives than their significant others will often masturbate to not bother their partners. Have you ever made him feel bad for wanting to have sex too many times in a week? Usually, women believe men watch porn because the female porn stars looks better than they do, or that they want to fantasize being in the place of the male porn star, banging that woman. Both assumptions are wrong. Sure enough, there are guys who close their eyes and imagine themselves being the main actor in such a movie, but many others also take porn for what it is - watching other couples screw each other in an exciting way. Yes, I give him sex whenever he wants it... I love sex with him, and he knows that. I never make him feel bad about it because I am always up for having it. Don't feel bad about being bothered by it - everyone has certain insecurities that they fight hard to keep under control... I used to feel jealous anytime I'd find my former gf talking to another guy alone, even if they were old friends or in plain sight. But I kept that inside me because I knew I was the one at fault in the first place. Chances are, people like you and me will not find a partner whom we are crazy about without feeling a little bit insecure or jealous about something they do. Such is life... Thank you.
Author ComeUndone Posted March 27, 2011 Author Posted March 27, 2011 With your choice of avatar, ComeUndone, yours seems a puzzling complaint ... But that aside, I find it amazing what young women put up with nowadays ... I was thinking the same thing myself. What does my avatar have to do with anything? Because I have a sexy picture as my avatar on a forum where nobody even knows who I am, I shouldn't be bothered that my boyfriend looks at naked pictures and porn? What does one thing have to do with the other?
Macaw Posted March 27, 2011 Posted March 27, 2011 It's a fantasy. He knows he can't have those girls, therefore it's appealing to him. Same as anything that you can't have is appealing to you. Doubtful. First of all, you're assuming porn-star quality girls are unattainable, and that's your first mistake. Each town out there is full of gorgeous women of the same caliber that do not work in the porn industry - try going to expensive gyms or popular night clubs, and you'll see. If those were the kind of girls he wanted, he'd probably be chasing them instead. If he isn't, it's because he likes what he has. Second, you're assuming porn stars have amazingly sculpted bodies that would put any "regular" woman to shame, and they don't. They might have generous curves (most of which were gotten with surgery and feel terrible to the touch), but they do have flaws - its up to the director and the cameraman to not show them. Third and lastly, he could just have a thing for watching other people have sex. It's called voyeurism, and it's an addictive behavior. It doesn't always means he's fantasizing about being with that woman.
kiss_andmakeup Posted March 27, 2011 Posted March 27, 2011 (edited) It's a fantasy. He knows he can't have those girls, therefore it's appealing to him. Same as anything that you can't have is appealing to you. It's a common misconception among men that this kind of statement somehow makes women feel better as far as jealousy is concerned when in fact it makes us feel worse. My boyfriend's friend and his girlfriend just broke up a couple of weeks ago, and one of their preceding arguments had to do with her being jealous of his very attractive female co-worker. His defense was "Are you kidding?! She wouldn't be interested in me!!" Girl's take: "Oh, so since I am interested in you, I must clearly be of inferior attractiveness." While it's slightly off-topic and I personally don't have much issue with porn in moderation, PSA to men: this is not the way to console a woman regarding jealousy. OP, I would be a little annoyed by the whole naked-pics-while-on-vacation thing. I see vacations as a rare opportunity to spend quality time with my significant other and would be a bit offended that he felt the need to work the perusing of naked pics into his schedule. I can't offer you much help as that particular situation would irk me as well. Edited March 27, 2011 by kiss_andmakeup
dreamingoftigers Posted March 27, 2011 Posted March 27, 2011 It's a common misconception among men that this kind of statement somehow makes women feel better as far as jealousy is concerned when in fact it makes us feel worse. My boyfriend's friend and his girlfriend just broke up a couple of weeks ago, and one of their preceding arguments had to do with her being jealous of his very attractive female co-worker. His defense was "Are you kidding?! She wouldn't be interested in me!!" Girl's take: "Oh, so since I am interested in you, I must clearly be of inferior attractiveness." While it's slightly off-topic and I personally don't have much issue with porn, PSA to men: this is not the way to console a woman regarding jealousy. Also take notes on the following lines: "It's not like I would want to have a relationship with her." "I did it but it's okay because I didn't love her." "Sure she's really hot, but you are real." "Oh yeah, she totally does it for me, but I love you." These are nice ways to say: "you just aren't so attractive to me, in fact so unattractive that I must seek out other things to act sexual over, but don't worry I like your friendship and the way you cook!" Because in a girl's mind, if you love her, she is either the only thing you see, or the absolute #1 in your eyes. That means sexually too.
Macaw Posted March 27, 2011 Posted March 27, 2011 Because in a girl's mind, if you love her, she is either the only thing you see, or the absolute #1 in your eyes. That means sexually too. If my old gf thought like you, we would still be together. Unfortunaly, you're thinking like a romantic. Both men and women can be romantic, but not all women (nor men) are romantic. Mine certaintly wasn't. It's funny because I recall saying something just like that so many years ago.
dreamingoftigers Posted March 27, 2011 Posted March 27, 2011 If my old gf thought like you, we would still be together. Unfortunaly, you're thinking like a romantic. Both men and women can be romantic, but not all women (nor men) are romantic. Mine certaintly wasn't. It's funny because I recall saying something just like that so many years ago. What I have found is that the girls that don't ascribe to that and have the same "chase sex and hot guys" kind of attitude usually end up being very popular and very disloyal. I truly think that they feel the internal need to be the "cool girl" and these days the "cool girl" that the guys seem to like is the one that has the promiscous sex like the porn stars etc. Plus men have literally 2.5 the sexual pursuance drivers in their brains. So if a girl is looking at a higher frequency then you, she may have the drivers in place that cause problems down the road. Quite frankly I have high desire and I know that I have been nicely set up to have sexual compulsive problems that become more pronounced during relationship stresses. If a girl doesn't seem to have the sex and love in the same place, red flag! Oftentimes when a woman cheats you hear about her blameshifting to her partner. Truly often, there is some resent etc (expressed or unexpressed) that has pulled the sexual/emotional attraction away from that partner (often not completely, that's why they still stay in the relationship) and then they get overwhelmingly attracted to another. It isn't romantic as much as it is actually a neurological and automatic response in a healthy female brain. Check out "The Female Brain" Brizendine I think. Unattached sex among women does happen but it generally doesn't provide the same hormone flashes for a woman unless something else is out of whack. Like if she just came of out a relationship, she may use casual sex to get the brief dopamine rush and rebuild her ego to help her feel more attractive again. Quite frankly, I still think of my husband in a sexual way and he has been quite 'unfortunate' in the way that he has treated me. I only resort to thinking of others when thinking of him gives me stabs of grief, anger etc. Sorry for the T/J. But this does all tie in with why women in general would more easily have a problem with their mates use of porn. Women do not tend to be as emotionally disconnected with sexual encouters. Even our casual encounters can have quite an emotional blast on us. That doesn't mean that we love or greatly like that person, but they can build our confidence, the encounter can greatly lower our self-worth and we can feel very disgusted with ourselves. Men seem to be able to brush all of this off and chalk it up to "just sex." For us there isn't really a "just sex."
Macaw Posted March 27, 2011 Posted March 27, 2011 I'll try to get a hold of that book. We do indeed learn something new every day. I googled what you said about male's brain area of sexual pursuit being 2.5 times bigger than females and found this: http://www.time.com/time/health/article/0,8599,1976274,00.html Interesting piece of info. And here I was believing all those magazine articles saying women seek out sex as much as men do. I'll dig a little deeper on this one, as subjects like this one interest me a lot. Thank you.
dreamingoftigers Posted March 27, 2011 Posted March 27, 2011 I'll try to get a hold of that book. We do indeed learn something new every day. I googled what you said about male's brain area of sexual pursuit being 2.5 times bigger than females and found this: http://www.time.com/time/health/article/0,8599,1976274,00.html Interesting piece of info. And here I was believing all those magazine articles saying women seek out sex as much as men do. I'll dig a little deeper on this one, as subjects like this one interest me a lot. Thank you. Believe it or not, that link is quite relevant to the thread, did you notice the dopamine and love-center linking? Here is a presentation done by her. OP, this may help to explain the driver's a little better in his head. I would like to know why you would like it not to bother you instead of wanting the presentation of a different attitude from him? Why not tell him that you would just rather he keep his usage more private?
Ruby Slippers Posted March 27, 2011 Posted March 27, 2011 I think if you're on vacation with your man and he'd rather lie around in bed looking at pictures of naked chicks than hang out with you and have coffee, well, that's really sad. If that happened to me, I know that my interest in the guy would start to fade.
Els Posted March 27, 2011 Posted March 27, 2011 (edited) I think for mature men who aren't addicted to porn, it isn't about 'can have' or 'can't have'. It's about apples and oranges. Here's an example. I enjoy watching lesbian porn on occasion. So am I wishing that my bf is a girl, but since I can't have a girl, I'll 'settle' for him? Hell no. I actually had a girl hit on me IRL before and it freaked me out. Fantasies are just that. Not a replacement, but something entirely different. That being said, I think it's just natural instinct for you to be 'annoyed', just as how it is natural instinct for him to want to look, on the other side of the coin. I don't believe the solution would be for either of you to think of yourself as being 'wrong' and change completely, but rather for BOTH of you to compromise. He isn't wrong but you aren't either. You just need to find an acceptable balance. Edited March 27, 2011 by Elswyth
jane100 Posted March 27, 2011 Posted March 27, 2011 What does my avatar have to do with anything? Because I have a sexy picture as my avatar on a forum where nobody even knows who I am, I shouldn't be bothered that my boyfriend looks at naked pictures and porn? What does one thing have to do with the other? The whole point of porn: nobody knows who you are.
zengirl Posted March 27, 2011 Posted March 27, 2011 I think if you're on vacation with your man and he'd rather lie around in bed looking at pictures of naked chicks than hang out with you and have coffee, well, that's really sad. If that happened to me, I know that my interest in the guy would start to fade. Yes, you better articulated the sense of what I felt was wrong with this particular situation. I don't even so much mind if a guy looks at porn sometimes, but this situation seemed off. To me.
O'Malley Posted March 27, 2011 Posted March 27, 2011 OP, I would be a little annoyed by the whole naked-pics-while-on-vacation thing. I see vacations as a rare opportunity to spend quality time with my significant other and would be a bit offended that he felt the need to work the perusing of naked pics into his schedule. And I also agree with Ruby Slippers: my interest in said man would start to fade. Not because he looks at porn, but that his attitude towards when it's acceptable to view it is totally different than mine. Maybe he doesn't think porn is some priority in his life, but if he can't give up the wank material during a vacation, I'd find that pathetic. If you still plan on seeing him, suggest (without being argumentative) that he look at porn on his own time, not when you're spending time together.
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