kristinpea1979 Posted March 26, 2011 Posted March 26, 2011 Hey everyone - I am looking for a little advice/insight about the guy I am dating. We were introduced by a friend back in December, and have really hit it off since then. We stopped talking briefly in January and 2 weeks later he texted me out of the blue saying he missed me - and have been dating non-stop since... This guy is very popular in our town/area. He owns his own real estate business, so he used Facebook as a way to list his properties and network, so he has over 2,000 "friends." I am fine with that part. The part I hate is that every day almost, he gets either a random smiley face (to which he doesn't reply, at least not on his wall), or a girl will make a comment if he says he's out to a restaurant they will say "bring me something" etc etc etc. They will also leave comments that he is sexy, etc on his photos. It's usually the same 10-12 girls... This guy texts me "good morning baby" almost every morning, and the same at night before he goes to bed. I spend the night, and we try to see each other 1-2x a week - he has very busy days and I mostly work nights. He goes down to the city to see his brother a lot, and he has a lot of hobbies. he calls me to say hi and we chat on Skype every couple days as well. Basically, we have contact EVERY day in some form - usually initiated by him, but not always. He has introduced me to a few of his friends, we go out in public, he is great with PDA's, so I don't feel like he is hiding me or anything. When his brother called last week, he told him he was watching a movie with me, so obviously his brother knows of me. He makes some talk of things he wants to do down the road with me - trips, etc. He seems very enthusiastic with me - is always very complimentary, affectionate, and tells me he misses me when it's been a few days since he's seen me. It seems as though he gives me any free time he has, which isn't a lot. I felt sick for a couple weeks with female issues, and he was sweet and compassionate, and understanding - not making me feel pressured for sex, in fact he gave me massages, made me tea, and took care of me. My main concern is what I should do in terms of Facebook, etc and whether I should even be concerned about these other girls on there flirting with him. His profile doesn't say "in a relationship," and neither does mine, although I have a photo album with pics in it from our Valentine's weekend trip - he isn't tagged in them. If you look at his page, there's really no indication that he is seeing anyone. Is it fair to expect this after only a couple months? Is it too soon, or fair of me to expect exclusivity? I already sort of expect it, and it's somewhat implied, but these days, you NEVER know. Although last week when something was bothering me, we were snuggling in bed and he said that he wants me to tell him when something is wrong, and says "you know what the 5 most important parts of a relationship are?" and trust was one of the things he listed....so he labeled it a relationship. I am still terrified of this guy.... Also to add, this guy comes from a very successful family, most of which are surgeons...he has been to about 30 different countries, and has had WAY more experiences than I have. I LOVE that about him...he is exotic in his ethnicity (half middle-eastern, half german/swiss), is cultured, is very open-minded, easy-going, up for anything, and we share SO many things and interests in common. We make each other laugh and always have a good time when we're together... Should I just relax and let things progress? It just bothers me that people seemingly don't know he is seeing me, primarily women...although maybe it will come in time? We are definitely still getting to know one another, but we ARE sleeping together, so I'd hate to think that he has the same connection with anyone else. He did tell me when we started talking again that he likes to be clean and safe and that if we started sleeping together he wouldn't be sleeping with anyone else.....but a lot of people say a lot of stuff, and I guess I have a really hard time trusting anymore. Perspective? Sorry this is so long, I tried to be concise, which is hard for me sometimes! LOL!
betterdeal Posted March 26, 2011 Posted March 26, 2011 I think that you can see those flirtatious remarks on Facebook as compliments. They're made by other women who think your fella is attractive. Notice that it's other people complimenting your man, not your man complimenting them! I've dated some very beautiful women and they always have their admirers. It made me feel good that they took the compliments with good grace and had, from all these potential mates, chosen to date me. That said, to me, that my lover had good taste ;-)
threebyfate Posted March 26, 2011 Posted March 26, 2011 I wouldn't ever assume exclusivity. The only person who can answer your question is the man you're dating. If you happen to lose someone who doesn't want an exclusive relationship, what have you lost? As far as compliments left on his page, he's the only one who can control this. If he didn't enjoy them, they wouldn't be on his wall. Most often, I find that people who get a lot of compliments sent their way from the opposite gender, usually solicit them in some way.
Author kristinpea1979 Posted March 26, 2011 Author Posted March 26, 2011 I'm not faulting HIM for getting the compliments, and I certainly don't expect him to delete them - who doesn't like compliments? It's just the fact that these girls don't know that he's seeing anyone, and if they did, make they would ease up....although maybe they won't - seems most people today don't respect when someone is in a relationship. So maybe it doesn't matter whether they know or not.
threebyfate Posted March 26, 2011 Posted March 26, 2011 I'm not faulting HIM for getting the compliments, and I certainly don't expect him to delete them - who doesn't like compliments? It's just the fact that these girls don't know that he's seeing anyone, and if they did, make they would ease up....although maybe they won't - seems most people today don't respect when someone is in a relationship. So maybe it doesn't matter whether they know or not.Consider this. Why would you expect another person to respect your relationship? Wouldn't it make more sense that the guy you're dating respect your relationship boundaries? But if he doesn't know your relationship boundaries, how can you expect him to respect them?
Eddie Edirol Posted March 26, 2011 Posted March 26, 2011 I'm not faulting HIM for getting the compliments, and I certainly don't expect him to delete them - who doesn't like compliments? It's just the fact that these girls don't know that he's seeing anyone, and if they did, make they would ease up....although maybe they won't - seems most people today don't respect when someone is in a relationship. So maybe it doesn't matter whether they know or not. Youre worried that you are getting more attached to him than he is to you. You have to relax and let the relationship progress, or communicate your issues. Tell him you want people to know he is dating you, tell him you want to put a label on this relationship and you want to be exclusive. These are not unreasonable concerns to find out where you stand. just TALK to HIM.
Author kristinpea1979 Posted March 26, 2011 Author Posted March 26, 2011 I'm not saying he isn't respecting the boundaries. He doesn't reply to these women, and from what I see, he is going around commenting on things....all I was mainly asking was from everyone's perspective, are these things I should even be stressing this early on, given all the things I've said about the time we spend together, the thing's he's said, etc. I do take it as a compliment that he is attractive to other women, and maybe this won't bother me as much if and when we are more "public," such as him using a photo of the 2 of us as his profile picture, etc. Maybe it's a female thing....it's just hard for me, my last boyfriend was polar opposite, and didn't know how to use a computer, let alone being on Facebook...he wasn't very social, didn't have a ton of friends so he was totally 100% ready to jump right into a relationship with me. Making a complete 180 with this guy. lol. My friends and family have made the point that he seems to really like me, he is choosing to spend time with me, and he beings me places and introduces me to his friends...so I guess I should just trust him until he gives me a legit reason not to...
Author kristinpea1979 Posted March 26, 2011 Author Posted March 26, 2011 Youre worried that you are getting more attached to him than he is to you. You have to relax and let the relationship progress, or communicate your issues. Tell him you want people to know he is dating you, tell him you want to put a label on this relationship and you want to be exclusive. These are not unreasonable concerns to find out where you stand. just TALK to HIM. You're right. I'm just concerned that it's too soon. I've been playing it cool - he has no idea I have these concerns, and I'm thinking that is one of the things he likes about me...not meaning he likes being able to get away with whatever, I'm not saying I am a pushover, I just don't act catty or jealous bc I know guys don't respond to that. I will say that when he started callling me again in Jan, I said I was done playing games, I don't want to be played, or date casually and that I was looking for something serious, and he said he was also....so maybe it boils down to be being a tad insecure, and needing validation...I have no problem admitting that!
Author kristinpea1979 Posted March 26, 2011 Author Posted March 26, 2011 I'm actually not that worried that I'm more into him - actually, contrary to what it seems like on these boards (where I feel more free to express myself than I do to him yet), HE is the one who seems more interested in me...he is the one to ask when I want to hang out, etc, he is more affectionate, he always says he misses me, etc - not saying I don't do those things but he is definitely the one showing more interest and initiative by comparison. When I'm with him I don't doubt anything, but when I am not my mind is going nuts wondering if he's talking to other girls online, who he's hanging out with, etc...even though I usually know what he's doing when he's not with me....guess I'm just not used to being with such a busy guy,
threebyfate Posted March 26, 2011 Posted March 26, 2011 kristin, bottom line, you're afraid to lose him if you approach him about an exclusive relationship. And yes, there's risk of this if he's not ready or honestly doesn't want one. You have to decide what you're willing to live with, including any possible consequences resulting from actions or inactions. Worst case scenarios of either end of the spectrum: No action as in no discussion and the net result might be that he's not been as exclusive as you imagined and isn't looking for exclusivity in the near future or ever.Talk to him and if your pace is different from his, you might pressure him beyond his own pace and he'll walk.I have judgments associated to either of these worst case scenarios but I'll let you figure them out yourself. Fear of loss is seriously governing your actions and anything that requires action on your part, is resulting in a pushback from you, validating status quo. I say to you, piss or get off the pot.
somedude81 Posted March 26, 2011 Posted March 26, 2011 Don't mess with the bull if you don't want the horns.
Author kristinpea1979 Posted March 26, 2011 Author Posted March 26, 2011 Don't mess with the bull if you don't want the horns. Thanks, that's terribly helpful.
somedude81 Posted March 26, 2011 Posted March 26, 2011 At least you know what it means. If you want Mr. Popular instead of Mr. Normal, be prepared to also deal with the negatives that he comes with.
betterdeal Posted March 26, 2011 Posted March 26, 2011 What Eddie said. Now that you've explained more how you feel and what it's about i.e. your concern that you're going faster than he is towards an exclusive thing, you can either pull back or raise the topic of being a publicly declared couple with the clearly implied exclusivity, or not pull back and not say anything. I'd say something along the lines of "I think I'm getting a little bit jealous when I see other women blowing you kisses on Facebook. How would you feel about becoming exclusive, setting our statuses to in a relationship, that sort of thing?" Except, if you say that first sentence in the right way - revealing, playful, but sincere, he may well suggest the second one himself
fishtaco Posted March 26, 2011 Posted March 26, 2011 I don't think it's a big deal. Because I'm sort of a Mr. Popular myself. Not as popular as him, but enough that women in my past have expressed concerns, and there have been women that decided not to date me because they think I'm a player. I also don't care if the girl I'm dating is Ms. Popular. If guys are all over her, that just means I got a hot one. At the end of the day, she goes home with me, I'm the winner. So I think as long as you're not a hypocrite, where you can be popular but he can't, then you can choose to be either way. Be my way, or be TBF's way. I fully expect TBF to do everything she could to discourage compliments from men when she's in an LTR. If she does that, then hats off to her. So which way are you? This is not even about right or wrong, because there is no right or wrong. There's only are you compatible? If you're not, dump him, and find a guy that's not popular.
threebyfate Posted March 26, 2011 Posted March 26, 2011 Umm...fishtaco, am I the one complaining about my husband and the attention he gets? Nope. If I were, then agreed, equitable behaviour would be reasonable. But if you look at her underlying insecurities, it's got to do with not knowing where she stands with him.
Star Gazer Posted March 26, 2011 Posted March 26, 2011 I'm pickin' up what TBF is puttin' down in this thread.
fishtaco Posted March 27, 2011 Posted March 27, 2011 Umm...fishtaco, am I the one complaining about my husband and the attention he gets? Nope. If I were, then agreed, equitable behaviour would be reasonable. But if you look at her underlying insecurities, it's got to do with not knowing where she stands with him. Oh, my bad, I misunderstood your post.
threebyfate Posted March 27, 2011 Posted March 27, 2011 Oh, my bad, I misunderstood your post.No worries. We're cool.
zengirl Posted March 27, 2011 Posted March 27, 2011 I'm pickin' up what TBF is puttin' down in this thread. Thirded. I agree, OP. The issue isn't his popularity, or his FB, or these girls. It's that you're operating as though you're exclusive and hoping you are, but fearing he doesn't feel the same, and not talking to him about it. Personally, I'd make no demands (demands aren't sexy or loving or at all fun) but I would have a conversation with him----a "Hey, are we together like I think we are" sort of thing, and see how he responds. If he gets scared away by that, he was never going to commit. You can hang around later to find that out, or find it out now (or hopefully find out he feels the same).
dispatch3d Posted March 28, 2011 Posted March 28, 2011 lol you've landed yourself a really great guy. Stop self sabotaging. Asking people whats hypothetically wrong with the relationship is not a good idea . If there's something you would like to do/needs you think you aren't getting from him (sounds like you would like to hang out with him more often) then just say so. You could also let him know that so many girls messaging him all the time weirds you out a bit. Talk more! Also don't go throwing negative nancy stuff at him. Nobody enjoys that. edit: I said that wrong. You shouldn't fulfill your needs through him. Just let him know you would like to hang out with him more often.
MRevolver Posted March 29, 2011 Posted March 29, 2011 I'm really glad you posted this topic because I'm currently in almost the exact same situation myself. I too am dating a Mr. Popular with too many irons in the fire so to speak. He's trying to get his career off the ground, he's got no pics of us up on Facebook, and a plethora of attractive women always posting things to him. But we've been in what I call an "exclusive unofficial relationship" for the last 5 months. This guy at least told me he wanted to take it slow from day 1 and honestly it's been going wonderfully on both ends...with the exception of the whole "what are we" question. So a few weeks ago I finally just decided to ask him if he saw this as going towards an actual title because eventually we'd have to label it as something. To which he responded he knows that we can't just remain just "talking" forever and he understood what I wanted. He also said he felt like I was stressing too much about how/if this was gonna work out rather than going with the flow. He then went on to tell me he had just as much invested/to lose if things don't pan out, etc. and although I still didn't get a definite answer, I at least felt a little better in knowing that he too saw it going somewhere. Basically I've just got a commitmentphobe on my hands (and he also kinda admitted to this in the conversation but said "he's trying). So in short, I say just bring it up so if nothing else, you at least have a more clear idea of where you two stand. I've actually decided to give my guy a little more time because I do really like him but you know...eventually an actual yes or no answer will need to be established. And I'm sure I'll post all the details here on LS when it happens
Woggle Posted March 29, 2011 Posted March 29, 2011 I hope you don't take this the wrong way but is the fact that he is so desired by other women a turn on?
dispatch3d Posted March 30, 2011 Posted March 30, 2011 I hope you don't take this the wrong way but is the fact that he is so desired by other women a turn on? likely more of a symptom of a guy who is good with women.
Recommended Posts