Mrlonelyone Posted March 26, 2011 Posted March 26, 2011 The title of this thread is something I have found to be true in my few years on this earth. It applies beyond romance to friendship and business as well too. So much of the "advice" offered on here is about ways to compromise who we are for the sake of a relationship. If you have a career with too much prestige or education ... dumb it down. If you are into classical music... Don't tell people that it sounds wierd. If you are nice be a jerk. If you are a jerk be nice. If you like tall men then you should like short men. the list goes on and on and on. I just want to say the one bit of advice that I know will always work in finding a quality relationship. Just do you...the people who are meant to like you will. So be you. Do you. Put being true to who you are and what you like first. I may have had fewer relationships however I would say that overall I have had better quality relationships. I never misrepresented myself in order to get a large quantity of relationships. That should be the goal... quality.
DollyGirl12 Posted March 26, 2011 Posted March 26, 2011 I agree with you.....people who are meant to like you will. I have a few very close and long lasting relationships. My best female friend and I have been super close for over 20 years now. We are very tightly bonded. I also have a few other close female friends, and a few male friends that I would consider close, just friends though. But they are what I would call very high quality relationships. I have many other acquaintances that will most likely always be just acquaintances.
ImAMac Posted March 26, 2011 Posted March 26, 2011 The title of this thread is something I have found to be true in my few years on this earth. It applies beyond romance to friendship and business as well too. So much of the "advice" offered on here is about ways to compromise who we are for the sake of a relationship. If you have a career with too much prestige or education ... dumb it down. If you are into classical music... Don't tell people that it sounds wierd. If you are nice be a jerk. If you are a jerk be nice. If you like tall men then you should like short men. the list goes on and on and on. I just want to say the one bit of advice that I know will always work in finding a quality relationship. Just do you...the people who are meant to like you will. So be you. Do you. Put being true to who you are and what you like first. I may have had fewer relationships however I would say that overall I have had better quality relationships. I never misrepresented myself in order to get a large quantity of relationships. That should be the goal... quality. Amen. If someone likes you for what you tell them and what you tell them isn't the whole truth, they're going to find out. You can't build relationships on a foundation of untruths, not good ones at least. There will always be someone who'll love you for who you are. That being said, I do believe relationships to be about teamwork and, sometimes, compromise. But when you have to change who you are, as opposed to what you do, that's a big problem, in my opinion.
Mr.Cairo Posted March 26, 2011 Posted March 26, 2011 The title of this thread is something I have found to be true in my few years on this earth. It applies beyond romance to friendship and business as well too. So much of the "advice" offered on here is about ways to compromise who we are for the sake of a relationship. If you have a career with too much prestige or education ... dumb it down. If you are into classical music... Don't tell people that it sounds wierd. If you are nice be a jerk. If you are a jerk be nice. If you like tall men then you should like short men. the list goes on and on and on. I just want to say the one bit of advice that I know will always work in finding a quality relationship. Just do you...the people who are meant to like you will. So be you. Do you. Put being true to who you are and what you like first. I may have had fewer relationships however I would say that overall I have had better quality relationships. I never misrepresented myself in order to get a large quantity of relationships. That should be the goal... quality. I agree with this. We should never agree to disagree or to change ourselves or accept whatever it is that is expected of us. Always think of yourself first. You are number 1., The rest is of no importance. And with the time you have from not being in a relationship, you can invest on yourself by following your hobbies, your craft, and by meeting many women which will add to a far more wide array of experiences. What do you prefer? An orange that will last for quite a bit, or a forest that will marvel you until the end of time itself?
DollyGirl12 Posted March 26, 2011 Posted March 26, 2011 That is the one thing I noticed about my ex while we were together. He had these "friends". But he never had one buddy that he would call and be able to unload his feelings on. He had alot of "female" friends, but he only tended to contact them when he was craving attention. One of our mutual "friends", who is male, made a comment to me a while back that my ex was nothing more than a "fairweather" friend. He would bother with him when he felt like it, but was never a real genuine friend, no matter how much our mutual friend would reach out to him. That is just how he is.
Author Mrlonelyone Posted March 26, 2011 Author Posted March 26, 2011 (edited) It's not about being selfish. It's about realizing that the only relationship that you have and can never loose ...is your relationship with yourself. I think that soo much of what is offered as "advice" here amounts to various ways to loose one's self in the name of finding someone else. @Dollygirl Yes. That's just what I am talking about. Fairweather friends... some people it seems cannot have a close friendship that goes deeper than that without that person being their SO. Which leaves me even more mystified that anyone would council lying, or deception when trying to start such a relationship. (Which is what my mother has told me to do.) I know you don't spill your guts at the beginning ...but if you have to lie about something basic that is a shaky foundation. Edited March 26, 2011 by Mrlonelyone
Mr.Cairo Posted March 26, 2011 Posted March 26, 2011 (edited) It's not about being selfish. It's about realizing that the only relationship that you have and can never loose ...is your relationship with yourself. I think that soo much of what is offered as "advice" here amounts to various ways to loose one's self in the name of finding someone else. Loving yourself enough to make yourself your number 1 priority is not being selfish. Is knowing that you are the past, the present and the future. That no one could ever come close to you, in how to make you happy, how to reach your goals and how you should go about things, because no one will ever know you like you know yourself. And no one will be there forever like you will be. For you. Hence you must always see every relationship for what it is. An exchange of good times. Don't compromise yourself for something that by design is not meant to last. Do not think differently because that might be the way to have a relationship with the woman/man you are particularly interested on. The most beautiful aspect of Mankind is the ability to fall in love forever - with many different people. When you realize that the relationships between men and women are mostly temporary and that relationships usually bring more time lost for yourself, loss of resources, and it will probably end up in horrible conditions(divorce, cuckolding, cheating etc): you become free to take what is positive in a romantic interaction, and none of the negative. Don't worry if a woman or a man - the person you want- would only be intimate with you in the context of a relationship. Go to a mall. Meet women, meet men. You are going to fall in love with someone who's willing to follow your conditions. The possibilities are endless. Just do not get stuck in what you don't want to be stuck at. Don't be like the people we see at the mall. They have their partners near them and they're looking at other women and men with a longing look on their faces. If they hadn't married/moved in with the partner/entered a relationship, they'd be free to go chase after what they want. There's nothing more sad than that. People are stuck with their partners because of that silly notion of 'relationships'. Edited March 26, 2011 by Mr.Cairo
Author Mrlonelyone Posted March 26, 2011 Author Posted March 26, 2011 Let me put it this way Mr. Cairo. It's like dealing with real estate. One can choose to live in a hotel room. Just pay the daily rent and have no real commitments. One can even rent a room by the week or month. That is what being in a 'relationship' really is. I totally feel what you mean about 'relationships'. Marriage or being engaged are on a different plane. One thing my older relatives don't get when I talk to them is that allot of younger people have taken their casual relationships and placed them on the same plane as marriage. (Or vice versa). In my analogy...it is as if renting a room at a hotel for a week or a month is being treated just like renting an apartment for a year...or buying a house...forever. Dating is about getting to know someone even better and seeing if you want to make the commitment of engagement then marriage. It's about finding out if you want to buy the house. Marriage is sacred and has real binding legal implications...everything else is small fries by comparison. _____ All I'm saying is I don't see the point in anyone changing who they are to get a date. Change for yourself is fine...dont do it for anyone.
Mr.Cairo Posted March 26, 2011 Posted March 26, 2011 (edited) Let me put it this way Mr. Cairo. It's like dealing with real estate. One can choose to live in a hotel room. Just pay the daily rent and have no real commitments. One can even rent a room by the week or month. That is what being in a 'relationship' really is. I totally feel what you mean about 'relationships'. Marriage or being engaged are on a different plane. One thing my older relatives don't get when I talk to them is that allot of younger people have taken their casual relationships and placed them on the same plane as marriage. (Or vice versa). In my analogy...it is as if renting a room at a hotel for a week or a month is being treated just like renting an apartment for a year...or buying a house...forever. Dating is about getting to know someone even better and seeing if you want to make the commitment of engagement then marriage. It's about finding out if you want to buy the house. Marriage is sacred and has real binding legal implications...everything else is small fries by comparison. _____ All I'm saying is I don't see the point in anyone changing who they are to get a date. Change for yourself is fine...dont do it for anyone. Marriage is also temporary. If you are looking at the older couples, those who are in their 60's and still married - they are still married because they are from a society that wouldn't allow divorces to come so easily. We have the no fault divorce. Anyone can end that marriage for no reason at all. Marriage is very much like a relationship. It is going to end nearly as fast as every relationship ends, but it's going to be far more costly and emotional damaging. The only couples staying together are religious. Like this 21 year old woman who was engaged to her boyfriend since the age of 11. That marriage is going to last, but only because in her mind, if she doesn't stay married she will end up in hell. All of the couples I see around me, old or young, married for a long time or not, they all share one thing. The men spend all of their free time with their buddies, drinking themselves into a drunk stupor, and the women are with other women talking how bad their husbands are etc. I think that after the biological purpose of marriage is accomplished(reproduction), the vast majority of people are going to grow bitter. One or two couples might stay happily married but that's like conquering Persia. Only one man managed to do. And the price was heavy. People are letting go of relationships. From people in Germany refusing to making babies, to men(educated men) in Italy staying with their parents rather than moving in with their girlfriends, guys in their late 30's. I believe that people are breaking off from the chains of society and from the expectation that we must find someone and mate. That we have to stay with them, in marriage or whatever. Thankfully the younger generation is seeing marriage and relationships for what it is and many are already shunning relationships while many are going through the bad experiences eventually reaching the same conclusion. Edited March 26, 2011 by Mr.Cairo
somedude81 Posted March 26, 2011 Posted March 26, 2011 I would gladly change myself if it meant I could finally get a relationship. Within reason of course. Pride hasn't gotten me anything.
Mr.Cairo Posted March 26, 2011 Posted March 26, 2011 I would gladly change myself if it meant I could finally get a relationship. Within reason of course. Pride hasn't gotten me anything. What you want is sex, not a relationship. And if you think that just by being in a relationship you are entitled to sex... Many relationships are sexless. And you can enter a relationship but have the luck of landing a virgin, and if you have any experience with female virgins, you know that to them, the first time has to have the stars and the moon aligned. That usually takes a year or so. You want sex. Don't say that you want a relationship because that'd be a lie and women can easily sense lies.
SingVoice Posted March 26, 2011 Posted March 26, 2011 Absolutely. There's nothing I hate more than people who try to impress you in the beginning by telling you things that aren't true. BUT...I always believe that we learn more things about ourselves with every experience we have. Yes...I love myself. I love who I am. I think AS I AM I would make an excellent partner. But there are things I can improve upon as well. And I realized this from dating. So for me...I don't look at it as having to "change" myself to be in a relationship. I am always looking for ways to improve myself...because hey...that's kind of what life is about...being the best YOU that you can be. And I know that those changes will only enhance my relationships. Of course...I am not going to all of the sudden enjoy hunting just because my partner does...but in terms of the "dumbing it down" thing...well...and I mean this with all due respect...sometimes people don't realize how they come across. I have known people who I have literally had to tell them..."hey I know you probably don't mean to do this...but you are coming across as really condescending." That doesn't mean that you are going to change who you are...but you don't want to be a condescending person, right? So you just rethink how you approach certain things. I think a LOT of people are really not self aware...and I think others can see things about someone much clearer at times. (Although not always...some people are just jerks!)
Ross PK Posted March 26, 2011 Posted March 26, 2011 I'd change myself if it ment I could get a woman.
zengirl Posted March 26, 2011 Posted March 26, 2011 The title of this thread is something I have found to be true in my few years on this earth. It applies beyond romance to friendship and business as well too. So much of the "advice" offered on here is about ways to compromise who we are for the sake of a relationship. If you have a career with too much prestige or education ... dumb it down. If you are into classical music... Don't tell people that it sounds wierd. If you are nice be a jerk. If you are a jerk be nice. If you like tall men then you should like short men. the list goes on and on and on. I just want to say the one bit of advice that I know will always work in finding a quality relationship. Just do you...the people who are meant to like you will. So be you. Do you. Put being true to who you are and what you like first. I may have had fewer relationships however I would say that overall I have had better quality relationships. I never misrepresented myself in order to get a large quantity of relationships. That should be the goal... quality. I think it's a balance. Of course, you should be secure in who you are and not change your interests or core values to suit a mate. However, I think you have to be willing to compromise and work together with someone to build a relationship, which will mean compromising sometimes. For instance, you can still like classical music (and don't pretend you don't), but if you go on a long car ride with a mate (or even friend, frankly) and they can't stand it, why not listen to some other kind of music you both like? That's compromise. Pretending you hate classical music too isn't compromise; it's capitulation. Too often people confuse the two. I never expect a person to capitulate to me, and I won't capitulate to them, but I do expect someone who's in a relationship with me to compromise and consider what I want as well as what he wants. "My way or the highway" is a terrible attitude in a relationship, but so is "I'll do whatever you want -- just don't leave me." Healthy people find a healthy middle, and it's not always easy. The most important thing is to know yourself well before getting into a relationship and find a partner who can say the same.
somedude81 Posted March 26, 2011 Posted March 26, 2011 What you want is sex, not a relationship. And if you think that just by being in a relationship you are entitled to sex... Many relationships are sexless. And you can enter a relationship but have the luck of landing a virgin, and if you have any experience with female virgins, you know that to them, the first time has to have the stars and the moon aligned. That usually takes a year or so. You want sex. Don't say that you want a relationship because that'd be a lie and women can easily sense lies. You don't know a thing about what I what. Stop pretending that you know me. You're just some creepy guy who is fallowing me around on different message boards.
Mr.Cairo Posted March 26, 2011 Posted March 26, 2011 (edited) You don't know a thing about what I what. Stop pretending that you know me. You're just some creepy guy who is fallowing me around on different message boards. Of course I know about you. You are the typical guy who wants what he can't have(the most attractive of females) and blames the entirety of the female gender for it('all young women are shallow, but I'm not shallow when I reject the women I'm not attracted to'). You're the kind of guy with no job, going to college full-time and expecting women in their late teens and early 20's to be interested in you. And when you can't have what you want you fill the forums with crying threads about ending up alone since all women are shallow. Jesus Christ, you are like a little girl and you tell me that you descend from the Spaniards? The people who conquered half the world while you can't even grow up emotionally? Following you? Hell no. I belong to the family of one of the young women you tried to hit on. They told me about you, I noticed the poor tryings of a wannabe PUA, went to the most popular PUA website and since you also lack smartness, it was pretty easy to see who you were. Just making sure women out there are protected from creepy guys like you who hate women, have nothing to offer to women, but expect women - and best of all, the most attractive of women - to want you. You just remind me of Sodini, that is all. And if you don't want people to tell you why you are failing with women, you better not detail your experiences with the opposite sex and your physical and emotional characteristics. Now excuse me for telling you what's on everyone's mind, but they are too polite to tell it. Grow up, will ya? Edited March 26, 2011 by Mr.Cairo
somedude81 Posted March 26, 2011 Posted March 26, 2011 Following you? Hell no. I belong to the family of one of the young women you tried to hit on. They told me about you, I noticed the poor tryings of a wannabe PUA, went to the most popular PUA website and since you also lack smartness, it was pretty easy to see who you were. Ha ha ha ha! You are saying you are related a girl that I hit on and she told you about me. And you somehow tracked me down! ROFL!!! Congratulations! That's the stupidest thing I have ever heard in my life!
Mr.Cairo Posted March 26, 2011 Posted March 26, 2011 Ha ha ha ha! You are saying you are related a girl that I hit on and she told you about me. And you somehow tracked me down! ROFL!!! Congratulations! That's the stupidest thing I have ever heard in my life! Let me explain this in simple terms. The women you hit on are all connected. They go to the same college. Young women speak among themselves of the men they meet. So when you do something with a woman, that woman is going to tell her friends. Those friends are going to tell other women what the guy was doing/trying to do. So when the details are known, it's pretty easy to see what the guy was trying to do and since you are trying to be PUA, you as the rest of the creepy guys put on the net 'their field report' and when you use your brain(example, this guy wants to be a PUA, it's safe to assume he's going to visit the most famous PUA forum) you can easily see who that guy is from behind the monitor because most of you are too silly to even remember changing the story of what happened. I've visited this forum before, but never posted on it. But when I stumbled on your threads, and I began reading them, I realized who you were. So you see, you are fake and if I can stumble upon what you wrote, what do you think women can find out? Don't you think that they can find you that to you the women you meet are 'bitches' because they don't want to have anything to do with you? Jesus Christ, you don't even know that women speak of the creepy guys trying to hit on them, do you?
somedude81 Posted March 26, 2011 Posted March 26, 2011 So now you don't know who I am, only that I am "that guy" who has posted on a PUA forum and on a relationship forum asking for advice. Please go ahead and read all my threads as somedude81 here and as maxtro on sosuave. And no, I'm not trying to be a PUA. I'm just an older guy whose trying to get his first GF. BTW, the 81 stands for the year I was born in. There's no excuse for being more than +/- one year off.
Author Mrlonelyone Posted March 26, 2011 Author Posted March 26, 2011 Absolutely. There's nothing I hate more than people who try to impress you in the beginning by telling you things that aren't true. Like someone telling you to say instead of "I sing opera for a living". Say "I sing Kareokee and bartend on weekends". Because Opera freaks people out. I wonder what people who give such advice expect to have happen when they come to see your particular Kareokee bar? "hey I know you probably don't mean to do this...but you are coming across as really condescending." Sometimes that can't be helped. i.e. the dreaded "What do you do?" conversation. For me the problem is the shortest description of what I do "Theoretical Physicist" sounds 'grandiose' or whatever. The simplest "Apply mathematics to natural phenomena"... is hard for some people to understand. If I try to relate it to daily life and point out that essentially all modern technology is at it's based derived from the study of physics... as a way of describing what I do... which is 100% true... is that really any better the the other two? There's just no way to win sometimes. If a person is inclined to look at anyone who has accomplished high feats in their career as "stuck up" no explaination will make a difference. We could be as humble as churchmice and still be called elitist. So To hell with it!
Author Mrlonelyone Posted March 26, 2011 Author Posted March 26, 2011 This thread is a train wreck. That just means it's interesting.
Kamille Posted March 26, 2011 Posted March 26, 2011 So in that other thread, you lament the fact that when you tell people you're a physicists, they act like you just said you're an axe murderer. You say it's frustrating. You speak about it at lengths, which leads me to believe that it's important for you to find a mate who can connect with your job, or at least someone who can engage with it. A few posters, myself included, suggests ways to help people connect with your topic matter. We're not telling you to change yourself, we're trying to brainstorm ways to help you handle a situation you find frustrating. You end up thinking we're telling you to "dumb it down", or, apparently, telling you to "change yourself", when really, all we were doing was suggesting ways to help people connect with your field of interest. I don't see how that's "changing you" or telling you to "dumb it down". In fact, it's quite the opposite. As you've said in another thread, intelligence is having the capacity to explain complex topics in simple ways. So my question is this: What are your expectations? on thee grounds: 1) Of dating. Who are you looking for? How would this person interact with you? 2) About your job Exactly how would you like people to react when you tell them you're a physicist? 3) Of us. How do you want us to respond to your posts?
Girlygirl1977 Posted March 26, 2011 Posted March 26, 2011 So in that other thread, you lament the fact that when you tell people you're a physicists, they act like you just said you're an axe murderer. You say it's frustrating. You speak about it at lengths, which leads me to believe that it's important for you to find a mate who can connect with your job, or at least someone who can engage with it. A few posters, myself included, suggests ways to help people connect with your topic matter. We're not telling you to change yourself, we're trying to brainstorm ways to help you handle a situation you find frustrating. You end up thinking we're telling you to "dumb it down", or, apparently, telling you to "change yourself", when really, all we were doing was suggesting ways to help people connect with your field of interest. I don't see how that's "changing you" or telling you to "dumb it down". In fact, it's quite the opposite. As you've said in another thread, intelligence is having the capacity to explain complex topics in simple ways. So my question is this: What are your expectations? on thee grounds: 1) Of dating. Who are you looking for? How would this person interact with you? 2) About your job Exactly how would you like people to react when you tell them you're a physicist? 3) Of us. How do you want us to respond to your posts? This! It's hard to say much more.
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