immaculatekhaki Posted March 26, 2011 Posted March 26, 2011 Hi everyone - my first post. Need advice. Last spring I was going through my divorce. A girl I work with (and have been friends with for a few years) was as well. We bonded and I eventually developed romantic feelings for her. She did as well. What followed was a very intense STR last summer. She told me she loved me, wanted to move in together, etc. I was a little uncomfortable with her fast pace, but I really felt like she was the one and she was so happy so I went along with it. We clicked: great conversation, sex, lots in common, etc. I fell in love with her. Toward the end of the summer she pulled back - saying we needed to slow down. That she didn't want a relationship with anyone at that moment. I could sense her pulling away and I started to feel down every time I talked to her. She gave mixed signals (she didn't want to lose me, she'd be all over me one day, disappear the next). Then in September I received an e-mail from her saying she met someone and really liked him. And she just wanted to be friends but was "not counting us out for the future" (yes, we are both in our mid-30s and she actually said that). I was more angry that she told me this over an e-mail than I was that she met someone else. It was like that's all I was worth to her - an e-mail. I wished her the best, but said I wanted more than a friendship so I would have to bow out. I never begged, pleaded, or called her - pretty much avoided her at work. I was still in love with her. In October I told her my feelings about how she handled the "break up" and she said she was sorry (I had to initiate the conversation - she never offered anything on her own). We went to a concert together in November (tickets purchased when we were seeing each other) and she leaned against me the whole night and said she was having a great time. I didn't know if she was still seeing the new guy. The next week I told her that I'd like to start over with her and date again at a pace we were comfortable with. She said "cool" and she'd think it over. I knew that it likely wasn't going to work in my favor, but I didn't want to have any regrets about not making my feelings known. THREE WEEKS go by. Three weeks of seeing her at work. Then I get an e-mail (again!) saying that she is still seeing that guy and that "things are pretty good." Then she said that she "misses our friendship, but it's up to you whether you can go there." I took this to mean that she didn't care either way. So I replied that I can't be her friend under these circumstances and will have to stay away for a while. I wished her well and have not spoken to her for five months (unless work related). She has sent an e-mail here and there about music, or to say she liked a presentation I did, etc. I have either not responded or just said thanks. I am not ignoring her because I am angry or to get a reaction from her. I just feel I have to keep my distance from her until I heal completely. And I don't want to be her puppy dog. When we pass in the hall I'll mumble a hello, but she just looks at the floor and ignores me. I still have feelings, but I know it's for the person she was and not for the current circumstances. There is a part of me that hopes she will, of course, realize she made a mistake. I am aware of that near impossibility, however, and the sheer ridiculousness or even considering taking her back. My self esteem won't allow it. So I guess I am asking if, given the situation, do you think I am doing the right thing? I don't want to seem childish by not speaking to her, but I can't justify being friends with her after the cold, indifferent way she treated me once she decided she didn't want me. She has never once offered an apology or the slightest acknowledgment that she could have handled things differently. Thanks for reading and any opinions are appreciated!
DollyGirl12 Posted March 26, 2011 Posted March 26, 2011 You are definitely doing the right thing. Wow, I would not want to be in your shoes where you have to work with her. That would just make it so much harder. But, she is very wishy washy. Maybe it's because she was coming out of a relationship, or maybe it's just the way she is with all relationships. If she was seeing you here and there in between, while she was also seeing this other guy, then she may likely be doing the same thing to him. For your own well being I would suggest going full NC. Except of course where you can't due to the work situation. That really stinks though because it's constantly in your face.
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