LSO Posted March 26, 2011 Posted March 26, 2011 Hi All, I am an Indian and my marriage five years ago - was an arranged one. My age is 35 and my wife age is 29. Although my wife and I used to talk on telephone after my engagement, it was very preliminary and did not help in knowing each others nature. Just before marriage, I came to know that she did not have a good education and her father had not disclosed actual realities about himself and his family. As the marriage was set and plans already finalised, I could not say no and got married. However after marriage, it took sometime for me to adjust to her and she remained in her home partly during this time. When she started to live with me nearly a year later, I found her slightly withdrawn and less interested in sex. In that interval, an uncle (from my mothers side) who is a bachelor and about 50 yrs, who had got close to me had invited her to her home. I had agreed to this seeing no threat in a visit to a close relative specially one who had arranged our marriage. 3 years ago - I came to know by (pure luck or bad luck) that when she was there - he gave her an alcohol laced drink and took pictures of him kissing her and deep cleavage with nearly her XXXX and bXXXX showing. This I found on his computer. This uncle also had physical penetrative relations with another aunt of mine and I also saw this on his computer. I was so deeply hurt on seeing my wife's photos that I wanted to kill myself there and then - but counsel from a friend saved me. I could not sleep at ease. The pictures might just be the tip of the iceberg and there might have been several sessions. This is completely unacceptable in Indian relationships. When i discussed this with my wife, she told me that she did not remember what had happened during the time she was at my uncles place. She also does not appear apologetic about what has happened. She had also scratched a CD where I wrote down the pictures. What is really eating me up is that my wife still has a soft corner for this bastard, and in the last three years there has been four times (that I know, there might have been more as I dont feel she tells me everything) when I have seen this, and it makes me really really mad. I have put pressure on her to stop talking to this person and he has also got the message that he is unwelcome - even in phone calls. i have also told about this to my mother-in-law but apparently my wife does not take advice from anyone easily - even her parents. After seeing her soft corner for this OM, I have completely lost my trust in her, feeling that she might be getting physical with others and i dont want to get myself hurt again so don't even talk about it or ask her. And I just wish that she leaves - divorce is something that I wish happens - but it is difficult in India - and also as there is a 2 years old daughter that I love. However I keep on fighting with my wife everyday and this is taking a toll on both of us and on my child. My wife cries sometimes, but I cant even cry and the anger is so great that I get out of breath even thinking about the OM. To be fair to her, she does all things as if this is a thing of the past, but I am unable to forget and forgive. The last trigger was when he called us on a festival day and wanted my wife's office location address so that he could meet her - and my wife told me this to me a day later. I also have renewed interest in female colleagues and she can sense that. We get close once in two months or more only when it is really neccesary (hope you understand what I mean) but even touch is getting rarer in our day to day lives. I am really lost and don't know how long we will have to live together killing each other in this manner.
imagine Posted March 26, 2011 Posted March 26, 2011 Record the infidelity and expose on both sides. You and you wife need to realize that your recovery will take up to two years after discovery. Your wife will have no further contact with the OP forever. Six months after your discovery is called the anger stage. Both of you need to be aware of this. Do not fall into the same bad habits as your uncle. Recover or divorce. Read marriagebuilders regarding the improvement of your marriage!
Bryanp Posted March 26, 2011 Posted March 26, 2011 I am sorry but something does not seem right here. Your wife implies she was drunk and raped by this man and yet she continues to talk to him and has a soft spot for him. What is wrong with this picture? My guess is that you do not know the whole truth. You need to expose everything to both of your families. Her attitude sounds like a typical cheater. I am sorry for you.
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