Tryingtogetbetter Posted March 26, 2011 Posted March 26, 2011 Hi everyone, I am new to LS and have been drawing support, like many others from the fellow posters in this forum. It is what keeps me going day to day, hour by hour.. I have chosen to walk away from a relationship with a seperated man since Dec. We were both seperated when we met and had shared many happy moments, supporting each other through the worst times of our lives. He had always told me that I should not be hoping that we will end up together, given he has not decided what his course would be...There is a child involved and his wife still wants him back. In fact, she has been using that as a reason to pursue him...despite the fact that they have been seperated for more than 2 years, he wasnt able to make up his mind to go ahead with the divorce because of his love for his child. Mid of last year, he took on a posting out of state and decided to leave them (and me) for that job. He thought that it would help him get over things and move forward. We continued to meet/email whenever possible.. However, several months into it, he felt he really missed his child and that he had suffered in that process of moving away. He told me that his decision was to go back to the marriage as his child's feelings were most important. He wanted to try to be a good parent and hopefully a husband. He was hoping that we could continue to be there for each other even so. I flatly rejected him and over email, told him i wished him the best but would not see him again. It had been 4 months since and he had contacted me off and on, over email/skype/call when he is back. But never expressing any desire to get back, nor seemed to be as affected as I was. I think he has made some attempts to reunite with the family and i can only imagine that it must have gone well so far... I feel very sad. I felt that despite all that we've gone through and shared, it was clearly not enough for him to take this seriously. I've done all I could to keep in NC and move on with my life. But till today, I still miss him, think about him and wish and hope that he will come back. He had left his wife because he said he didnt love her and things was bad between them. Now, he could just flick a switch and go back to it..I find it so hard to accept...Then, what was I? He said he cared about me and doesnt take me as a fling..but couldnt live past his guilt towards his child.. I've had a failed marriage- Tried in vain for 7 years to make it work but ended up my H is just too passive to even try..I only got happier when i met this other guy and now, this happens. I feel very dejected, upset and wonder what will happen to me. I am in my mid 30s and wonder if there is any chance at all that I will even meet someone in the future, that will make me forget... Is there hope? People who go back to their marriage for kids, will they be able to make it work? Can I still hope that he will one day, decide to come back to me? Selfish as it is, I feel so devastated...Hope to hear encouragement, views, suggestions...to keep going..
whichwayisup Posted March 26, 2011 Posted March 26, 2011 Whatever his reasons are to go back to his wife and child are his alone. Stop trying to figure out if he loves his wife enough, or why she wants him back. Obviously whatever is left between them is far from over, especially after 2 years. I know you're hurting and you want him, but you need to accept that his decision is made. Like it or not, he's putting his child first now and is hoping to work things out with his wife. If he didn't feel he could do this, he wouldn't have moved back home. And any friendship you have with him now, on and off, talking, emailing etc, has to stop..For your own sake. It's over and you two trying to be friends is only going to prevent you from grieving and letting go. It'll give you hope that "one day" he'll be back. He's in touch with you to keep his ego going and sadly, he isn't realizing how much it hurts you by doing this. Hope that makes sense.. Be on your own for a while. You jumped from a marriage to the MM. No time in between to be alone, grieve your own loss and life you built with your husband.
Author Tryingtogetbetter Posted March 26, 2011 Author Posted March 26, 2011 I know what you are saying is sound advice and I've kept telling myself of the same thing. I am exasperated that I've failed to move on and forget about this man..given that he has obviously not chosen me...It is tormenting me whenever i think of how happy they are now and i am still caught up in grief...how can i be of such insignificance to him, given we've been through so much together...it sucks..it really does.. Everyone has told me to move on, give up and forget him and trust me, I would if i could...it had been such a difficult battle..Moving forward, I will cut all the communication off..not going onto skype anymore and certainly not initating anymore contact...
findingnemo Posted March 26, 2011 Posted March 26, 2011 Trying, Yours is a sad story. In your case, NC is probably the best way to go. I don't think you should try to forget him or your feelings for him. It is futile to fight emotions - you only end up making things worse IME. Your xMM chose to go back and whatever reasons he gave are valid. The advantage with NC is that xMM will get to genuinely miss you. Right now he can talk to you whenever he wants to. People are quite mistaken in thinking that an EA is not an A. It is...and for some cheaters, an EA can become an acceptable option if they have no other choice. Whether xMM loves his W or not, he may derive enough emotional comfort from LC to be content. If he genuinely loves you, NC will be torture for him and is the only thing that can make him reconsider his decision. Suppose you decide to go NC for 6 months. He could comply and at the end of that period, you'd need to accept the sad fact that it's over. If he breaks NC, you need to think about why he's doing so. Asking him would be a waste of time. It's how he does it that matters. Sms, FB, Email, Skype and any other electronic media including a phone call, IMV, are fishing attempts (I think that's what it's called). Anyway, they are like random booty calls on the off chance that you'll say yes:mad:. Others should chip in here but short of a plane with a banner stating your name and that he's sorry, or going on Oprah and telling all, don't believe him. Jokes aside, if MM breaks NC in a public way in which he obviously risks losing face (it must come at a cost), then I'd believe he really loves you. You can then decide together how you'd like to proceed.
Author Tryingtogetbetter Posted March 26, 2011 Author Posted March 26, 2011 Findingnemo,whichwayisup Thanks for your replies. I know that NC is probably the only way out for me. I know that nothing I do or say, can make him come back to me, if he didnt love me. There is no point in doing anything more because true love is to respect the freedom of the other person, even if he chooses against me. I guess I am just a little disillusioned as to how a relationship that started with supporting each other and being best friends, have to come to this. I knew that I was always insecure during the times we were together, because he was always upfront about his dilemma and feelings. Now that the worst has happened, I guess the only thing for me to do is to pick up the pieces and try and heal. Although, tugged away in the corner of my heart, is the little hope that somehow this love can be validated and reciprocated. I know that this sounds cruel because it will be at the expense of another woman and the child. I have often struggled with this and didnt know how to reconcile the moral dilemma of this situation. Perhaps, life is really imperfect and there are no happy endings for all..I can only pray that somehow, somewhat, I will be happier with or without him.
Hazyhead Posted March 26, 2011 Posted March 26, 2011 Hi, sorry that you're hurting. The kids reason, huh? That topic is a many debated one here at LS, with regards to the validity of what the AP is told. I heard the same things myself, and although I agree with wwiu, that it doesn't matter his reason - going back is going back, I also am not completely convinced that the reason purely the child. I do think that you need to try to put him behind you, but, in the (likely) event that he comes back to you, you need to bear in mind that maybe you weren't told the full story. I wonder what he would have told his wife. Ill bet it was different to what he told you. And who's to say which one is the truth? Only him. And even he might not fully know (hence the infamous flip-flopping man). I don't say this to make you feel worse about things, just to encourage you to protect yourself. Be careful. For my situation NC was the best option, but that isn't so for everybody. Moving forward, however, is easier and more fulfilling with the NC. For me.
Author Tryingtogetbetter Posted March 27, 2011 Author Posted March 27, 2011 Hi Hazyhead, Thanks for your reply. I agree fully with you, that I would never know what the reasons are and perhaps, he is too confused with all that is going on in his life to grasp that fully. At the moment, I am just going to work on myself and hope that the NC period will help me to get better bit by bit. The crumbs he was throwing me along the way definitely raised the hope and then threw me back into hell. If like you said, he did love me, he will realise that with my absence and not with my presence... I'll continue to press on..Thanks for your support! Will keep you guys posted...
East7 Posted March 27, 2011 Posted March 27, 2011 (edited) TTGB, First of all, are you absolutely sure he was separated? Did he live separately ? I ask this because some MM are very talented to make believe they are separated. Does his W knows about you ? Secondly, I see a lot of red flags in his behavior, I don't really believe the kid is the ONLY reason he is going back and forth to his wife. The kid(s) is the ultimate "noble excuse". Those who can't stand their spouse anymore don't go back and forth. Third, he has been very straightforward for not wanting you to "hope a future together" since the beginning. At least he is not lying. He is comfortable with breaking the relationship with you and the LC mode is just a way to check if you are still pinning after him, whenever he might need you as a back-up plan (or a sex plan). Bottom-line is you are only an option to him while you have made him a priority. My suggestion : no matter how much feelings you have for him, he is obviously not willing to have a future with you. Focus on your own divorce process and move on with your life with or without him. Edited March 27, 2011 by East7
Ellin Posted March 27, 2011 Posted March 27, 2011 I've had a failed marriage- Tried in vain for 7 years to make it work but ended up my H is just too passive to even try..I only got happier when i met this other guy and now, this happens. I feel very dejected, upset and wonder what will happen to me. I am in my mid 30s and wonder if there is any chance at all that I will even meet someone in the future, that will make me forget... Is there hope? People who go back to their marriage for kids, will they be able to make it work? Can I still hope that he will one day, decide to come back to me? Selfish as it is, I feel so devastated...Hope to hear encouragement, views, suggestions...to keep going.. Good heavens, of course you will!! You're not even half-way through life yet. There are years and years to come when you will meet countless men and are bound to find more than one that will prove worth knowing! No doubt about that. And when that happens you will wonder what you had ever seen in this one, I promise.
Author Tryingtogetbetter Posted March 28, 2011 Author Posted March 28, 2011 Yes, I am sure he stays seperately . Have visited him at his new place before and he does stay apart from her for the past 2 years. His W may know about me, as we've been bumped into by some of her friends (according to the exMM) but it doesnt seem like she had made any fuss about it.... Sigh. I don't know how easy or difficult it has been for him. But he has never said to me after the breakup how tough it had been or if he is still thinking of me. I guess I do have to face the hard facts that indeed maybe he was always thinking me of an option and perhaps not important after all. If not, why else has he not said a thing? I guess this is the other heart breaking part of it for me. I will be staying focused on myself and take it a step at a time. It is hard to face that he is never gonna come back and make a future with me.
Author Tryingtogetbetter Posted March 28, 2011 Author Posted March 28, 2011 Good heavens, of course you will!! You're not even half-way through life yet. There are years and years to come when you will meet countless men and are bound to find more than one that will prove worth knowing! No doubt about that. And when that happens you will wonder what you had ever seen in this one, I promise. Hey Ellin, Thanks so much for the encouragement. Having gone through 2 failed relationships, i am not sure how much faith i have in it. There are also people who have told me that men will always wanna date younger girls! I sure hope that there is something to look forward to. Right now, I think I am still too deep into my hurt i guess..
Ellin Posted March 29, 2011 Posted March 29, 2011 Hey Ellin, Thanks so much for the encouragement. Having gone through 2 failed relationships, i am not sure how much faith i have in it. There are also people who have told me that men will always wanna date younger girls! I sure hope that there is something to look forward to. Right now, I think I am still too deep into my hurt i guess.. Don't believe everything you hear, Trying! I personally know several men who claim they have a preference for OLDER women or who are in long-term Rs with quite a lot older women and are happy. In most couples, I think, men and women are of similar age. You're panicking needlessly. And you know, there's hardly anyone around who has NOT had a failed R, most likely more than one. You sound like a girl many men would be lucky to have. I mean it. You'll be just fine.
Flabbergaster Posted March 30, 2011 Posted March 30, 2011 Sweetie it's gonna be ok. It's gonna hurt and it might take a while...but you WILL be ok. Read LOTS of threads here, it will help. We are here for you. You are not alone. 1. I agree with others that you should go NC. You need to separate problems from your life. communication with him will only hurt you right now...silence hurts but it doesn't surprise you with MORE pain, with renewed hope (and renewed dashing of hope). Tell yourself it will only be for a month or two, then you can reevaluate. Just to get started, easier. That's easier than saying it will be forever. 2. Dear, if you want to think that in a few years it might work out for the two of you...that's ok! Maybe it will, maybe not. It isn't going to work out for you 'right now,' just remember that, and stay in NC. If you pester him you'll look needy and he'll run away. I let myself think that it might work out for her and me in a few years. Just, don't PLAN for it or dwell on it. 3. Therapy would be so helpful to find more clarity, peace, and coping mechanisms. You've got a lot of problems going on, I would hate for you to start thinking it is all your fault, or to start doing counterproductive behavior for yourself Hey Ellin, There are also people who have told me that men will always wanna date younger girls! Yeah...MARRIED men! hahahaaaa...oh wait, that was me. Hmm, not funny, anymore. Point is, you're done with married men, so it doesn't matter to you
Author Tryingtogetbetter Posted March 30, 2011 Author Posted March 30, 2011 Hey guys, I'm really encouraged by all your replies. I've already gone NC for one month now and LC in the last 3 months. It still hurts and I still wake up to the pain each day. Am seeing the therapist next week- hope it ll help. And still pining for him! It really is tough!!
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