Can i win a lost love back even after 2 years???

[Ravashing2011]

Ok, I will try to make a very very very long love story w/ a bad ending as short as possible..........

 

- over 3 years ago back in December '07, I met & started dating & quickly fell in love w/ a coworker of mine at our annual Company Holiday party.

 

-All was great for the 1st 9 or 10 months, as we both felt like we were on cloud 9 the more and more time we spent with each other. The love & affection & intimacy was definity mutually present.

 

- As the holidays '08 approached, suddenly, she puts her foot on the gas pedal of the relationship a bit and starts becoming a bit more demanding about a wedding & future & most importantly (from her point of view) an expected ENGAGEMENT ring for X-mas present!.....Not only from her, but at this time, I notice her Mother becoming more and more involved in her daughters affairs and even pulled me aside a few times to seemingly put the pressure on me to propose to her daughter soon and wanted to know when I was going to do it.....(Should've been a red flag right there!) Her Father, on the other hand, seemingly had very little say in the matters and seemed even out in the dark in what his wife & daughter were requesting from me. Reflecting back, it seems like the Mother & his daughter had very little value or respect for the poor guy. (The inside jokes b/ween the two of them about him, constantly busting his chops, subtle insults, complaining about him, hiding information & secrets from him, etc...)

 

- fast forward to valentine's weekend, and I decided to POP the big question (in a romantic and dramatic fashion that I know she will never EVER forget as long as she lives, no matter who she ends up with!). I popped the question despite my feelings of confusion, confliction and feeling that it just wasn't the right time and too soon. I told myself this is just natural feelings and known as the 'jitters' and left it at that at the time. I really loved her and decided to take the plunge!

 

-Shortly as the hoopla and excitement of the enagagement wore off, again, I see a demanding, manipulative, connivving, control freakish side of both her and her damn mother about how the wedding will be and WHEN it should take place after me and my fiancee' seemed to come to an agreement when we got engaged that we need over a year to prep for this, mostly for obvious financial reasons. No value or respect at all for my take on the time frame and they wanted it THEIR way only! No flexibility whatsoever! No compromise.

 

- Several weeks later the tension b/ween not only me and my fiancee' was building up, but also our families and our differing views on the time frame started coming to a head. She & her Mother wanted the wedding asap, within 2 months that same year, while I & my folks couldn't understand what the big rush was and felt that a year to 18 months of planning would be a lot more beneficial to everyone. It all came to a big head one day at their house where our families had a huge fight about it, but HER mother crossing the line and insulting not only me but my family! I walked out of the house and me and my fiancee went several weeks before we even saw or spoke to one another again. I wasn't interested in speaking to her again without an apology, in which I never really got.

 

-We finally met one summer day at a park and talked a bit, but it was mostly to tell me what she felt I did wrong and how the problems were all my & my families fault and no fault at all to her family, despite being blatantly insulted several weeks earlier. We both drove away in our cars angry and that was pretty much the day we parted ways for good! No real closure b/ween us.

 

-towards the end of that summer of '09, I hear she's already started seeing someone new, a dorky pre-med student that a co-worker of hers set her up w/ as a rebound! When I heard that, I never felt so betrayed & angry that she could so quickly move on after all we've been through toegether! WTF!

 

- Fast forward to present day, a year and a half later............and she is STILL seeing this guy that was suppossed to be a rebound reltionship for her. Apparrently it winded up to be more than that and pretty serious at this point I would think if they're still w/ each other......While I have been through a few different short relationships but nothing really heavily involved like my relationship w/ my ex. When we broke up, i decided to work on myself for a bit and some self improvement ( Working out religiously, saving money, reading and trying to stimulate my intellect more than I did, pushing for promotions at work, etc. trying to get my own small business setup, etc.)

 

After nearly a year of no contact at all w/ her (She no longer works at my company since she got fired last summer) and nearly 2 years since we broke off the engagement, and lots of questions, soul-searching.....I've realized, however, that I'm still in love w/ her and I think deep deep down, she still loves me too, despite the involvement w/ the new relationship. I think she's afraid to find out that she still loves me and that's why she purposely has no contact w/ me and has tried to avoid any contact whatsoever since our breakup and expecially since she's been seeing this new guy. Something powerful is burning inside me to make another run at her and that "TRUE LOVE IS WORTH FIGHTING FOR".......I obviously have an uphill climb here, but I've been prepping myself for several weeks for the big challenge.....SO I guess my real question is.......

HOW SHOULD I GO ABOUT TRYING TO WIN HER BACK NOW????? IS IT POSSIBLE TO GET HER BACK, DESPITE NEARLY A YEAR W/ NO CONTACT AND HER BEING WELL INVOLVED W/ ANOTHER PERSON AT THIS POINT???? I NEED TO KNOW FOR GOOD, EITHER WAY NO MATTER WHAT THE OUTCOME........THOUGHTS AND FEEDBACK GREATLY APPRECIATED!

THANK YOU

[MrElusive]

I don't see why you should be trying to win her back, it should be the other way around. If she's willing to let such small things like these(as well as her ego) get in the way of your relationship then what you should be asking yourself is do you really want her back?

[Ravashing2011]

Your probably right.....given the circumstances....SHE should be the one to be coming to me to at least have the proper CLOSURE on this whole scenario so there's at least no bad vibes about how everything ended. I did attempt to try to talk to her a couple times since the breakup, hoever, she is soooooo Bull-headed and childish that she avoids contact w/ me and apparently can't even be in the same room as me! She blames me, and I'm sure her Mother got to her as well and twisted her views on the situation to solidify to her daughter to blame ME and that I ruined her wedding plans, etc! One thing that doesn't make sense is if she is soooo happy in her new relationship and if she has lost feeling for me, then why isn't she open to talking to me to at least bury the obvious hatchet that's still there???

Doesn't make sense, unless, like I said, she still has strong feelings that she's afraid will be rekindled by talking to me about things. She's in her "politically correct" new relationship now w/ this guy and she's afraid to jeopardize that since I'm sure her MOM approves of this new guy more than she approved of me! (like I said, a current pre-med student, meaning obviously, he will be making Doctor money one day which will be acceptable for their elitist family since they come from money and a "privildged" lifestyle as well)

She is way too stubborn to ever show she did anything wrong and fess up to any kind of mistake, so she will never take the initiative to do so w/ me, so the theory that she should be coming to me to try to fix things, will never happen. If anyone has to break the ice here, it is me. I strongly feel that if I can just sit her down and talk to her, I can maybe still get through to her. A few things that a close friend of mine that is in the know about the whole situation has told me is that the reason I want to still try to patch things up so badly w/ her even after all this time is not soooo much about getting HER back.......It's more about MY need to CORRECT an obvious WRONG that happened in our relationship since I am a very tenacious & competitive person that doesn't accept loss or defeat very easily. it is more about MY COMPETITIVE drive that I have created in myself vs. Her new boyfriend to ultimately win her love/heart & affection. According to him, I am not viewing this situation correctly, bc/ I seem to be viewing it as that I have lost her and drove her into the arms of this guy and now, knwoing that, and being the competitor that I am, I'm trying to prove to myself that I CAN get her back and BEAT this guy despite the big head start he current has over me w/ her. According to him, I want to make a statement of dominance over this "FUTURE DOCTOR" and prove that true love conquers all despite the size of your bank account........Not sure if I agree or disagree w/ his theories, but I'll admit to an extent he does have some decent points.....DO I LEAVE WELL ENOUGH ALONE AND WALK AWAY AND TELL MYSELF IT'S "HER LOSS" OR DO I LISTEN TO MY GUT AND TRY TO GET HER BACK FROM THIS GUY?????? SOOOOOOO CONFUSED ABOUT IT!!!

[VJohnson32]

All id say to you is leave it alone. She hasnt made any contact with you for a reason. If she felt that there was something unsaid she would have made a contact. Its been two years and if she is genuinely happy with her current boyfriend why break up a happy relationship. Obviously she has moved on with her life and you are having way too much of hard time letting go, plus you already said shes trouble and shes unable to cut the umbilical cord with her mom and that always screams for troubles, since parents want whats best for their daughters and they tend to manipulate them sort of... find yourself a man that can support for you and take care of you financially. Love is the game for the young and restless but at the end we all end up wanting financial stability and not worrying about payments. She has already found that catch and I dont believe she would let go nor her parents will agree with that. Dont know much about you and what you do ... but she isnt looking for what you have to give her.

Men are always competing and thats a fact of life but you just have been defeated by a soon to be a doctor. She wants the financial support and love got nothing to do with it here, unfortunately.

[DollyGirl12]

I agree with the posters above. Letting go is hard, but it has to be done for healing.

If she wanted to get back together I doubt she would still be with this man. And if she is with him because her family "approves" of him, then you are dealing with someone that will always put their families feelings above yours. When you're in a mature relationship the couple makes the final decisions, not the family. They may have input, and you may listen to their input, but not following it should not cause a huge family fight.

This, I'm afraid, is what you'd be dealing with for the rest of your life.

[Ravashing2011]

You both have some interesting points and the concensus of most people I speak w/ about this situation is that I need to realize that things didnt work out b/ween us for a reason and was likely a blessing in disguise, given the circumstances and red flag behavior by her and her family when we were dating. "Forget about her and her immaturity and move on for good is what I'm told."......I've tried to do that.....Like I said, after we broke up 2 summers ago, I spent several months on myself and improving on things about myself that I felt that i could improve on.....for example, i started hitting the gym religiously like I never had before, and by the end of the year, trimmed my bodyfat % down to 5% and looked better than I ever had physically. I used my anger over the whole situation to fuel my drive to hit the weight room and treadmills nearly ever day. It intensified once I found out about her dating this new goon aka "doctor to be". Used my fury and rage to my advantage to push my body to the limit. I also started becoming more financially savy and more knowledgeable about cost savings tips and smart ways to save money. I actually seeked help from a financial planner who helped me learn to live within my budget more than I was, so that I wasn't basically living paycheck to paycheck! Started a real 401K w/ my job and started contributing to my savings and money market accounts much more than I had been in the past. I also started reading several books cover to cover, and newspapers, by choice and not because I had to for any reason. It was because I wanted to challenge and open my mind to grow more intellectually since I had always dreaded reading throughout my youth. I started seeing that my memory started becoming alot better, my thinking was a lot more effective all around, and I was increasing my vocabulary and becoming a more well-rounded and knowledgeable individual. I also started taking my career alot more seriously at work and really started pushing for a promotion, which i finally got late last year ( I work in a competitive sales job) and now I'm on the verge of an even greater promotion where i'll become part of management...........With that said, the point being, that I have busted my ass to make some big strides and improvements amongst myself over the last 2 years that she hasn't really seen since she broke up w/ me.....I'll even dare to say that one day, it's not out of the realm of possibility that i could even surpass her "wonderful" doctor to be boyfriend in terms of level of success & "financial support"........ so point being that I'm not exactly "chop liver" in my own defense in terms of financial support. I am one of the most driven & ambitious and determined individuals out there. The difference is that I have the blue collar background and I started w/ almost nothing. I'm creating and upgrading my life as we speak. Point being I recognized some 'weaknesses" and made the proper action steps to improve on them.. So trust me, If I really wanted to turn the intensity up on this battle for her love, I could give this "doctor" a run for his money in regards to her. if anyone can beat this guy, it's me! Game's not over yet in my eyes......It's actually just starting to get interesting. All I have to do is make my move and slip back into her life somehow, that is the starting point........... Thoughts & feedback please.....

[robinseggblue]

I might be the only one to say this but...

 

I think you have the determination necessary to succeed. The trick is to not be too aggressive about it. You have to "slip" back in like you said. You can't just contact her and then try to grab her like a caveman and take her home. It's not going to be easy, because you have a lot against you like the fact that she's looking at Premed like he's a money ticket. The fact that she hasn't contacted you at all. The fact that she's stubborn. However...this is what I think you have going for you:

 

Determination

 

The fact that she is in a relationship now which means that you are now the "other man" and you probably have seen on LS how a love triangle can become pretty complicated, when the "other man" appears.

 

She's not engaged yet right? Why?

 

Determination

 

You two were in love at one point, but it seems like arguing about the engagement was what ruined everything.

 

She's not married yet.

 

Determination.

 

 

The only suggestion that I want to make to you is about your method of "slipping" back in. This is what is going to make or break it. If you're too confident you might mistakenly think that anything will work.

 

The one thing that usually appeals to everyone is someone being attracted to them and showing them attention. (Not too much!) And it has to be from someone "valuable" if you know what I mean. If you can somehow figure out how to show her your accomplishments and your value and then flatter her in some really unaggressive way, you might be able to do it. Are you not FB friends anymore? How come she doesn't know about your accomplishments?

[Ravashing2011]

I appreciate the compliment, however, it's gonna take more than just determination and will-power on this one. I've really been assessing this situation the last few days and it's almost like I'm trying to climb a tough, mouintain that very few people have ever done. yeah, it is possible for someone to do it, but very few have actually done it, given the circumstances. It's like I'm playing the role of the underdog here in a heavyweight bout vs. a great opponent. Sure, there is the chance for the upset win if I play the cards right but it's gonna be very difficult. The fact, like u said, that she and her Mother, are looking at this Pre-med as their meal ticket.....It's just funny reflecting back to when we were dating and she kept telling me , "I love you for you" and that "money doesn't make everything, I just wanna be w/ you, etc."......what a crock!! Anyways, point being is that I can't have any margin for error here! .........

 

To answer a few of your questions, firstly, I'm not sure if she's engaged or not to be honest with you, but if she's been with the same person for almost 2 years, then I'm positive that the subject has come up at this point and they must be on the same wavelength on things if they're still dating. She likes to move fast on things, which is a fact, and I'm sure she & her mother are trying to do the same to this guy that they tried to do w/ me with being very pushy about things etc.....and probably this guy is just LETTING them push him around w/ no or very little resilience. Don't really know him, but judging by the few times I've seen him, he definitly looks like the type of guy that lets his woman "control" things. In other words, a whipped man! If she is engaged, again (For the 3rd time within 4 years for her).... then it makes my mission even more urgent and I need to work fast b/c it's just gonna get tougher and tougher the longer I wait. I will try to find out whether she is engaged or not, I got one source that I work with that I can maybe find that out from, but I can't make it too obvious that i want to know whether or not my ex is engaged, b/c then that source will think something is up and that I may be trying to get her back. I've got to somehow get that information from her in conversation but make it seem smooth and casual. This source is the only person that will know some significant info on the both of them.

 

The other question u had, is why she doesn't know about my current accomplishments and improvements......When I said I have had very very little contact w/ her over the last year and 10 months, I really have had very little contact w/ her since the breakup. I have only had a handful of times that I've pretty much seen her in passing since she broke up only because we worked for the same company and it was during work time or at work functions. (really not the time & place to speak to her, but looking back, maybe that was my only shot to actually talk to her).

 

Remember like I said in an earlier e-mail, she got canned last summer from our company, so now I have had absolutely no contact at all and don't even see her in passing anymore, so I can't even look at her finger to see if there is a ring on it or anything. We are not friends on facebook or any social network anymore. She abruptly deleted me shortly after we broke up. I can still pull up her profile pic however, w/out being friends w/ her, and this goon is still in the pics w/ her, so that's how I know that they're still together. (Looking back, when we were no longer friends on f/b, a few weeks later is probably when this new guy came into the picture!)

 

Point being that I have some big hurdles to get through in this situation, but I'm a very confident and very driven individual who has prevailed when the odds were stacked against me in the past, so I know I can do it, but it's gonna be one of, if not, the most difficult adversity I'll probably ever have to overcome.......There are only a few methods I can think of of "slipping" back into her life. Like I said, one error and that pretty much kills my chances. Tell me which one will probably be best for me and what i'm trying to do....

 

1) Straight up, just calling her one day and seeing if she'll even talk to me. Actually, seeing if she will even answer the phone. (Assuming she has either the same cell phone # that she had or house number) I'm pretty sure her house number is still the same, but I'd rather speak on the cell b/c either one of her parents can answer the house number! Now let's say she does answer the phone, the first 20-30 seconds of what I say to her is KEY!! This will make or break whether we will continue to even have a conversation on the phone & future contact. What exactly do I tell her and say to her??? Why am I calling her??? can't make it seem too obvious and my goal is to make her wonder why am I contacting her after all this time, but make her curious for more.... Also, if she doesn't pick up the phone at all, do I leave a message and if so, what kind of message do I leave????

 

2) Writing her a quick email to see if she responds. (Again, assuming she has the same e-mail address that i last remembered). Again, what do I say in the e-mail and how do I say it is what i need to figure out?? This method seems like the easiest way for me to contact her, but I'm not sure if it's the best way. She may not read her emails daily and may have forgotten my email address at this point and may just delete it w/out reading.

 

3) Sending her a quick text message to see if she responds. I honestly doubt she will, b/c I've tried that once after the breakup, and she did not respond at all. if she didn't respond a few months after the breakup, then what makes me think she will respond almost 2 years after the breakup????? Again, it's easy to send a text, but not sure if it's the best way for me to get her back.

 

4) trying to send her a message on facebook and seeing if she responds. The problem w/ me doing this is that it confirms to her that I can still view her profile pic and that I KNOW she is still dating this guy and I'm not sure that's the message I want to give her right off the bat b/c her guard may be up and will assume I'm trying to get her back. I could be wrong, but I'm not sure she'll respond back this way either and it makes me seem like I'm stalking her online or soemthing. So this may kill my chances too.

 

5) The very very ballsy method here would be to drive to her house and ring the doorbell and see if she will talk to me. Too much can go wrong with this way, her mother or father could both answer the door, both of which I'm sure hate my guts and will have some choice words for me. I'm also not sure I would be able to just take it, if that did happen, especially from the mother, and I will probably loose my cool and have even LOUDER choice words for her!......If I do decide to do this way in trying to talk to their daughter, I need to make sure that i have nerves of steel in doing so, bc too much can go wrong. The one intangible or advantage to seeing her in person, is I can see her facial expression and reaction when she opens the door and sees me. The REACTION will be huge, if she is somewhat receptive to speaking to me even after all this time and our unresolved problems at the end of the relationship, then I have a shot. If she is very cold and slams the door on me, etc.....then it's gonna be a lot tougher and I will now need to earn her love & trust back somehow. I'm almost expecting her to be very cold b/c that's the way she was the few times she saw me after the breakup at any work functions. If she is cold....then how do I defrost her??????

 

6) Finally, just leaving it to fate, and seeing if our paths cross again somewhere by chance.....which is very unlikely. I could increase the chances by showing up more often to places that i know she liked going to, such as old restaurants that we used to go to etc.... I know there is a big event that she will likely be attending in a couple months. I could plan to show up there that weekend and hope to "bump" into her. But that event is pretty mostly for women and I really have no reason to be there and that will be the first thing she will wonder if she saw me there. So I need to have a good reason why i'm there in the first place and make it seem like I'm bumping into her. if so, it may require a well-thought plan and I may need to involve a female friend and act like I'm her date or something and that is the reason why i'm there.

 

 

So, there are my choices for trying to 'slip" back in her life......telling me which choice do u think I may have the best chance of success with????? Thanks