A fresh break up - my mind and heart telling me different stories

[Little_Bee]

Why can he not let me alone? Just got a text from him 'very strange having such formal communications and even stranger to have so little contact but guess it is best way to adjust. Anyway hope all well'

 

What should I make of it? Is he going to change is mind or just not able to cope and actually miss me?

 

Great, I just felt ok and now I'm down again and everything screams call him, call him, call him!

[ASG]

I'm gonna say that it most likely means he's just missing what you had before... not necessarily that he wants it back.

 

Een if he is feeling better than you, it still takes time to adjust to a new reality, which is that the person he spent a lot of time with (and had feelings for) is just not there anymore.

 

Hang in there though! I know it's hard...

 

And make sure you have a friend to talk to when you get your stuff back. I went through that yesterday when I went to my ex's house to get my stuff and I could barely look at him and spent the rest of the afternoon feeling awful. But I had already made plans to go spend the night with a friend and some other mates and that kept my mind off things.

[Little_Bee]

I actually called him and asked him what he thinks he is doing and that he please should stop playing with my feelings and he said that's not what he is doing. I told him then it was his decision to break up and that every text from him throws me back as every time he writes me my heart just want to have him back and want to have it like it was before.

I said to him that if he doesn't want another try he just should let me go and not contacting me. I then asked him to not touching base with me again. I also said that I, of course, what my stuff back but that I primarily want to be left alone so that I can move on and then I asked him just to let me do the next move as I will contact him with regards to the exchange of our stuff when I am ready.

 

Wow, that was hard and I now I feel like as if it was day one after our break up. But I know that I had to do it, I can't move on if he still contacts me. He told me that it isn't easy for him either as we had such a great time together but I just said to him that I it won't hurt me even more if we would stay in touch.

 

So, now a new week has started and I really have to concentrate on getting my life back together.

I try not to think about what we had together but instead what I have missed in the relationship and that another try would just extend the time we would have together but would not resolve the 'problems' as these are fundamental with regards to where we at with our lives.

He already has two grown up kids and doesn't want to go through this phase again and can't imagine to live with someone who has kids nor to spend his spare time with a kid around. Well, and I have a little angel and am in the middle of the seeing him growing up. As I don't want to juggle my life between my son and my boyfriend there is quite frankly no future in the relationship and hence the break up was necessary.

Unfortunately, knowing this doesn't make it easier, in particular as the time my ex and I spend together was always a great time.

 

Anyway, it's time to move on as my son is the most important person in my life and I just don't want to have to think about how to split myself between him and a boyfriend - that's just wrong!

 

Argh - it still hurts nevertheless!!!

[Rose T]

Little Bee, I know you don't feel it at the moment, but every word of your post shouts out what a strong person you are. That was a REALLY brave move and shows how much self-respect you have, as well as all that love for your son and wisdom in realising that this was not the right relationship for you.

 

The most important goal you can work towards is really believing, 100%, that you do not want to be with this man. Now this takes time, but honestly, when you totally feel this in your head and your heart, you will be healed. It's as simple / hard as that! When this realisation hit me, truly it felt like a huge weight had been lifted from my shoulders. You can do this.

[Little_Bee]

Thank you so much Rose T. It's really good to read from you as you radiates so much optimism.

 

What you said with the goal is exactly what I am working on at the moment. Yes, he was fun to be with but it was no fun to live a split life. Yes, we did a lot of things together but never or nearly never with my son.

When I was with him I missed my son and when I was with my son I missed my ex - what kind of relationship is that? Definitely not a healthy one!

 

I didn't expect him becoming a step-dad for my son, my son has a great dad and doesn't need another one but I wished my ex and my son could become friends. As this didn't happen it's time to move on. Rather being single then having to choose between the most important person in my life and someone who can't give me what I need.

 

And it's not only the problem with my son, I missed more in the relationship. He was not able to show the affection I need in a partnership and he really couldn't kiss.

Yes, sounds odd but I really missed a good tongue kiss (we kissed very rarely with tongue and when we did it was rather odd) - lol - not a reason to split up but nevertheless a reason why I don't want to be with him anymore.

 

Every time my thoughts meander off towards him, I try not to allow me to think about what I am going to miss but what I didn't had instead. I hope that this is the way forward and that in few weeks time my heart follows my mind.

 

I also know that I will have good days and bad days but hope that time will be my ally and that the good days will be more and more regular until one day the bad days just disappear.

However, this can only happen when he finally allows me to move on and doesn't break my no contact request again. I just don't want to be thrown back again as it is difficult enough to make little steps forward - I really don't need him destroying this hard work again.

[Rose T]

This all makes really good sense. The little things that seem silly to you are all signs of compatability problems, I really believe this. Little Bee, I promise you that if you keep NC and keep being so strong and positive you'll be a great place in a couple of months' time!

 

Your heart will catch up. Believe and be strong for your son. Love lies in that direction!

[Little_Bee]

Every morning I wake up and my first thoughts are about him and how much I miss him. My heart screams 'I want him back', 'contact him, beg him to have another try' but I know that this wouldn't work.

He is just not willing and able to give me what I want but it's is so hard to 'argue' my heart into reason.

 

I still think constantly about him and my heart still tries to tell me that I should pull all my strings to get him back, even though I know deep inside that getting back together would only extend the time we have together but wouldn't solve any essential problems and that another break up would only be a matter of time.

 

It's just that I miss to have contact with him, seeing him, feeling him, having fun with him - I constantly have to remind myself about why it didn't work out and why it never will, and that's so hard, difficult and exhausting.

Every morning I feel like crawling under the duvet and just cry, cry, cry.

 

During the day I try to keep me busy at work but then suddenly it just hits me and I need to leave for fresh air and my tears start to come.

 

It is so hard to stay reasonable and to believe in better times! At the moment I really miss him sadly and that's really, really painful!

 

The whole break up would have been easier if we would have had a lot of arguments but we didn't, we even spend a dream holiday together just two weeks before he broke up with me and that makes it even harder to accept and to understand.

 

I know that staying NC is the only option I have but it is so difficult as I just want to hear his voice and spend time with him.

 

I just wish that time would move faster and that I would not wake up every morning with him in my mind as this means that I have to start the day already reasoning with my heart and trying that my mind gets the upper hand.

 

So, off to work now; the sun is shining and I feel just devastated, instead of being able to let the sunshine in my heart.

[Little_Bee]

It seems as I am slowly getting better. Yes, I still miss him and he is still in my thoughts on a daily basis but I also start to realise how selfish he was and how emotional blunted.

 

Yes, we had a great time together but only on his conditions. He did want he wanted to do and either I fit in or I didn't but he actually never really changed anything just to make it easier for me. He also rather spent an evening or the weekend on his own than with me when my son was around.

 

Overall I can already feel improvements for myself, in particular with regards to my son. I enjoy the time I spend with my son without thinking about what my 'boyfriend' is doing and I don't have the feeling to be a bad mum anymore as I don't try to get more spare time in so that I can see my 'boyfriend'.

 

I learned a very big lesson from this relationship: If someone is interested in me, he also needs to be willing to become a friend of my son and to spend time with us! I will never ever again return to a split life.

 

Yes, I still miss my ex but at least my heart doesn't want him back anymore even though the break up still hurts.