Jump to content

A fresh break up - my mind and heart telling me different stories

Little_Bee

By Little_Bee
in Breaks and Breaking Up

 Share
While the thread author can add an update and reopen discussion, this thread was last posted in over a month ago. Want to continue the conversation? Feel free to start a new thread instead!

Recommended Posts

Little_Bee Member

Little_Bee

Posted
Posted

Hello,

 

I'm new here and going to a break up at the moment.

 

My boyfriend or rather ex-boyfriend split up 5 days ago and I feel like **** right now.

We were together for 1.5 years and just had a fantastic holiday together. Hence the break up come rather out of the blue for me and it's fairly difficult for me to cope with it.

 

The reason he gave me are reasonable and from my mind I know that it actually is the best but unfortunately my heart tells me a different story, in particular as we had no arguments and as I said a dream holiday together just 2 weeks prior him breaking up with me.

 

He wanted a gradual break up but I told him that this wouldn't work for me and sounds very selfish of him. He also ask if we could stay friends but I told him that I don't want contact for the time being and that I don't know whether a friendship is possible one day.

 

As I said I know that it was the best to end the relationship as we are at different stages in our lives and had to make too many compromises.

Nevertheless, my hearts miss him incredibly and it's hard not to fall apart at the moment.

 

Therefore I thought it might be a good idea to register with this forum and to share experiences, thoughts etc.

 

Cheers,

Little_Bee

 

Please bear with my spelling and grammar but English is not my first language.

joshextreme Established Member

joshextreme

Posted
Posted
Hello,

 

I'm new here and going to a break up at the moment.

 

My boyfriend or rather ex-boyfriend split up 5 days ago and I feel like **** right now.

We were together for 1.5 years and just had a fantastic holiday together. Hence the break up come rather out of the blue for me and it's fairly difficult for me to cope with it.

 

The reason he gave me are reasonable and from my mind I know that it actually is the best but unfortunately my heart tells me a different story, in particular as we had no arguments and as I said a dream holiday together just 2 weeks prior him breaking up with me.

 

He wanted a gradual break up but I told him that this wouldn't work for me and sounds very selfish of him. He also ask if we could stay friends but I told him that I don't want contact for the time being and that I don't know whether a friendship is possible one day.

 

As I said I know that it was the best to end the relationship as we are at different stages in our lives and had to make too many compromises.

Nevertheless, my hearts miss him incredibly and it's hard not to fall apart at the moment.

 

Therefore I thought it might be a good idea to register with this forum and to share experiences, thoughts etc.

 

Cheers,

Little_Bee

 

Please bear with my spelling and grammar but English is not my first language.

 

Full out no contact. If he's like any other guy he'll realize what he's missing and then come back to you

  • Author
Little_Bee Member

Little_Bee

Posted
  • Author
Posted

Thank for your fast response.

Even though my heart wants to contact him, read his facebook page etc I know that NC is the best way for me to get over him.

 

The only problem is, that I still have stuff at his, which I would like back - I'm just not sure if I could cope with seeing him one last time without being thrown back to day 1 after the break up.

 

Therefore I just thought about sending him an email and asking him to post me the stuff but unfortunately it's too much stuff to put in a parcel.

 

Hence I am not sure if I just should wait few more weeks before contacting him to organise me picking my stuff up or rather do it now and then not having it ahead of me anymore.

EyesWideOpen Established Member

EyesWideOpen

Posted
Posted (edited)
Thank for your fast response.

Even though my heart wants to contact him, read his facebook page etc I know that NC is the best way for me to get over him.

 

The only problem is, that I still have stuff at his, which I would like back - I'm just not sure if I could cope with seeing him one last time without being thrown back to day 1 after the break up.

 

Therefore I just thought about sending him an email and asking him to post me the stuff but unfortunately it's too much stuff to put in a parcel.

 

Hence I am not sure if I just should wait few more weeks before contacting him to organise me picking my stuff up or rather do it now and then not having it ahead of me anymore.

 

 

It'd probably be a good idea to just unfriend him from Facebook altogether, just so the temptation isn't there.

 

As for getting your stuff back. It's not unreasonable to send a friend in your place. If it's not a bitter break up, he should be able to understand.

Edited by EyesWideOpen
  • Author
Little_Bee Member

Little_Bee

Posted
  • Author
Posted
It'd probably be a good idea to just unfriend him from Facebook altogether, just so the temptation isn't there.

 

As for getting your stuff back. It's not unreasonable to send a friend in your place. If it's not a bitter break up, he should be able to understand.

 

Not sure how this would work as we don't have many mutual friends and he life at the other end of the city.

EyesWideOpen Established Member

EyesWideOpen

Posted
Posted
Not sure how this would work as we don't have many mutual friends and he life at the other end of the city.

 

The friend doesn't have to be mutual. It could be a complete stranger to him...it's just someone coming to reclaim your stuff for you.

 

 

Unless you have big ticket items like furniture and boxes upon boxes of stuff, I'm sure someone would be willing to drive across town for you.

Hell, I'd do it for ya. =)

  • Author
Little_Bee Member

Little_Bee

Posted
  • Author
Posted (edited)

Nice offer - thanks :-)

 

Just spoke to a friend and she suggested that I just ask him to meet me somewhere in the city to hand my stuff over. She will then be with me and spend the evening at mine so that I'm not alone after I had to see him.

 

Guess that's the best. Doing it rather earlier than later and ensuring someone is with me when it happens.

Edited by Little_Bee
depplover_1980 Established Member

depplover_1980

Posted
Posted

Definately better to do it straight away. Well if you agree with the reasons of the split, then you don't have hope hanging over your head, which effectively leaves you a simpler plan to recover.

 

That is to stay busy, surround yourself with positive people and to remind yourself you're lucky to have them around. Take up a new hobby or set yourself some personal goals you had perhaps neglected? Have absolutely zero contact with him, for your own sanity.

 

Stick around here, we're a good bunch. :)

Rose T Established Member

Rose T

Posted
Posted

Hey Little Bee! so sorry you're going through this. As depp says, though, there are some nice people on here and many have gone through crappy break-ups in recent months if not years, so there's plenty of perspective about the healing process and moving towards happier times on here. :)

 

Good to hear your friend can help out with the getting-stuff-back bit - your friend sounds cool and that sort of sensitive support is so important in this time.

 

Unfortunately, the feeling like **** part is kind of mandatory at the start.

 

You sound as if you've got a good head on you though - you already know that deep down, this break-up will save you more hurt in the long run and that by actually going through this horrible experience right now, in March 2011, you're saving yourself from going through this in six months time, or a year's time, when it might hurt even more.

 

When relationships aren't meant to be you have to get out of them sooner or later. The hard part is really that relationships are so much more fun to get into than out of, but that's all par for the course I guess.

 

He wanted a gradual break up but I told him that this wouldn't work for me and sounds very selfish of him. He also ask if we could stay friends but I told him that I don't want contact for the time being and that I don't know whether a friendship is possible one day.

 

This was a very smart and dignified call on your part (hell, during the break-up most of us on here were still trying to beg / buy / kidnap our exes lol and hope that stockholm syndrome would kick in) so the fact that you were so cool and dignified during the toughest part of it all says great things for your future.

 

Just hang in there, use NC to your advantage and keep your friends and loved ones around you. If you live in the northern hemisphere and there's a whiff of spring out there don't stay in the house too much. :) You might not feel like going out much but try and be round different people, fake it til you make it, and don't worry about hanging out on LS obsessively in the meantime - we've all been there! My top tip: try and smile at everyone (sounds mad but it makes people smile back and actually reprogrammes your brain into thinking you're happy!) You'll be fine. :)

  • Author
Little_Bee Member

Little_Bee

Posted
  • Author
Posted

Thank you deeplover and Rose.

 

The problem in our relationship was quite frankly that he didn't want anything to do with my son (who's 4). We only met when my son was with his father (2 days a week and the occasional weekend).

 

He was right for me after the split up from my son's father as he had no expectations and we both just wanted fun. However, after a year or so I could feel that just having fun wasn't right for me anymore and that I want someone who is also willing to be part of my and my son's life and not only of mine.

Unfortunately at this time I already felt in love with him and hence carried on with my split life (one life with my son and another with my boyfriend) and somehow hoped that he might change his mind (loves me enough to accept my son). But deep inside I knew that this won't last and is not good for me at the end.

Well, but often the heart tells another story than then mind and therefore I couldn't just walk out of this split life.

 

Therefore I know that the break up is better for me and my son in the long term but my heart still miss him and urges me to call him or to send him a text - just to make contact, to hear his voice.

I know that this would be wrong and would only extend my suffering but it's so difficult to stick to NC and it just hurts so much to not having contact anymore.

 

I so wish I could call him right now but I know that wouldn't change anything. My heart also hopes that there is a way back even though my mind knows that a way back wouldn't satisfy me as he will never turn around and be willing to take the next step in the relationship.

That's actually the reason why he broke up; he said that he can't see that our relationship can go any further due to him not wanting anymore children in his life and that he doesn't want to carry on as we did as it's too much routine for him.

 

Well, what to say: I think I carried on way too long and should have been sensible way earlier. But knowing this doesn't make it easier, in particular as the break up came more or less out of the blue and just 2 weeks after a fantastic holiday (I actually had the feeling that the holiday brought us closer together again).

It's funny to see how the heart can actually mock us for a long time, even when the mind knows what's best.

Thatguyintx Established Member

Thatguyintx

Posted
Posted

Bee,

 

I can truly understand the split between your head and your heart. Your head understands the situation and reacts much faster than your heart. To reconcile your head and heart takes some time. Give yourself the time.

 

I also understand the split life. As a single dad, I live two different lives today. One when I have my kiddo and one when I don't. It's very hard for me to transition from one to the other. My last relationship was kept separate from my kiddo life even though we had been together on and off for 2.5 years. Frankly, it was one of the reasons I saw it going nowhere.

 

You did the right thing. If he can't accept your son, then you needed out. Now time to heal your heart!

Rose T Established Member

Rose T

Posted
Posted
T

Well, what to say: I think I carried on way too long and should have been sensible way earlier. But knowing this doesn't make it easier, in particular as the break up came more or less out of the blue and just 2 weeks after a fantastic holiday (I actually had the feeling that the holiday brought us closer together again).

It's funny to see how the heart can actually mock us for a long time, even when the mind knows what's best.

 

Little Bee, the one thing you shouldn't worry about is the length of the relationship you were in. It all served as growing and learning time for you. You'll take all that experience into your future relationships; another time, you might know to get out sooner, or you'll use the experience to pick someone who gets to know you and your son better and wants to love you both.

 

You know, so many relationships break up at the point when one person wants to take the next step, but you should never be sorry for asking for more, expecting more, and wanting to grow - this is the beauty and the point of life, and of love, for that matter.

 

Of course you want to contact your ex right now. That is so familiar to me and I imagine many others on the board. But by getting through this difficult transition - and it is a transition to happier times, although that's hard to see now - you will be clearing a path for both yourself and your son to flourish. Be strong and be brave - there are few harder things to get through in this life and it won't be easy at first. But in a few months, if you think positively, keep contact to an absolute minimum, and use the time to make new friends and explore the things that make you happy, you will be in a different place.

 

Cherish your son and your future, you can grow from this and eventually find the right man for your family. :)

  • Author
Little_Bee Member

Little_Bee

Posted
  • Author
Posted

Thanks Thatguyintx for your response. It's hard to realise that a relationship can't go further because the other person doesn't want to be part of the whole life you live but it also makes us realise what's the most important person in our life - our children.

Therefore if a relationship has to be kept separately, it's not the right for us nor our kiddo.

 

Rose: It's really good to read your posts and very helpful - thank you.

 

I have actually contacted my ex to arrange a meeting so that we can handover each other stuff. Seems fairly difficult to get it arrange soon as I am already in the process to organise things to do on my free evenings (when my son is with his dad) so that I'm active and learn to enjoy my spare time without my ex.

I also asked him if he really made up his mind with regards to us - it might sound strange but I just needed another confirmation that it's final and it was good to get this confirmation as it already helped me to move on.

I have now decided to take my new hobby (my ex brought me into it) a step further and will join a dive club so that I can also start to dive in Britain and not only on holidays.

 

Yes, it still hurts and I am a bit afraid that I start to do too much just to keep me and my mind occupied and that I don't allow myself to actually get the feelings out of my system.

But that's me; I always tent to supersede with something else instead of acting out my feelings. My only apprehension is that it will fire back one day and that I will have a break down as I don't allow my feelings to surface completely.

Yes, I have moments when I cry and feel awful and I am definitely not happy and stable at the moment but I try to do 'new' things, meet friends and be out and about so that I don't think about my ex and our relationship all the time.

Not sure if this is the best way though being honest. Maybe I should take a step back and really allow me to be miserable and to life my feelings instead of keeping me occupied most of the time.

Rose T Established Member

Rose T

Posted
Posted

Yes, it still hurts and I am a bit afraid that I start to do too much just to keep me and my mind occupied and that I don't allow myself to actually get the feelings out of my system.

But that's me; I always tent to supersede with something else instead of acting out my feelings. My only apprehension is that it will fire back one day and that I will have a break down as I don't allow my feelings to surface completely.

Yes, I have moments when I cry and feel awful and I am definitely not happy and stable at the moment but I try to do 'new' things, meet friends and be out and about so that I don't think about my ex and our relationship all the time.

Not sure if this is the best way though being honest. Maybe I should take a step back and really allow me to be miserable and to life my feelings instead of keeping me occupied most of the time.

 

 

Hey Little Bee, I think you're doing exactly the right thing. :) I was like you, I threw myself into being mad busy after my break-up - felt crazy at times but it was a good initial coping strategy for me. Then after a month things calmed down a bit and I could start appreciating quiet nights in again and reflect on my break-up and how I wanted to shape my life in the future.

 

Just go with your gut for the time being, it's great that you have hobbies and passions and they will definitely keep you on the right road to recovery. You will have good and bad days and weeks but you sound very smart and that final question to your ex has hopefully helped you look forward and focus on your son. Another great benefit of doing the things you love is that it opens up your circle to new friendships, and maybe eventually new love. I know it's early days for all that, but all the seeds you sew now will grow into wonderful trees in the future.

 

I'm four months down the line after my break-up, I practically had to rebuild my friendship groups from scratch as I had become too isolated in my relationship. Now I have so many friends, the odd date, a varied social life and spring is also round the corner! You have such a good attitude, I know you'll be fine. :)

  • Author
Little_Bee Member

Little_Bee

Posted
  • Author
Posted

I'm four months down the line after my break-up, I practically had to rebuild my friendship groups from scratch as I had become too isolated in my relationship. Now I have so many friends, the odd date, a varied social life and spring is also round the corner! You have such a good attitude, I know you'll be fine. :)

 

Thanks Rose; it's good to hear that I'm not the only one who had isolated herself way too much in the relationship (one thing we learned and hopefully won't do again) and that you have many new friends now. That's exactly what I am aiming for. A new circle of friends and a varied social life.

Due to me not having a lot of spare time and my ex only wanting to spend time with me when my son wasn't around, I spent all my precious spare time with my ex, which definitely was a mistake.

Fortunately I'm fairly sociable and hence I am really looking forward to meeting new people.

 

I know it will take time until I don't think about him more or less constantly and it will also take time for my heart to be able to open again for someone else (which is not what I'm after at the moment anyway). But your post gives me hope that it won't take a ridiculous amount of time until I am on my way of recovery.

 

I just need to accept that I feel sad and accept that my heart won't heal over night - well, no one likes to be hurt and to feel miserable.

But time heals and I just need to allow my heart to take its time and to have downs as this is part of the healing process.

  • Author
Little_Bee Member

Little_Bee

Posted
  • Author
Posted

Today I feel kind of lonely and miss him not only as boyfriend but also as friend. I miss chatting with him and his humour and witty mind but I know that it would only hurt more if I would break the NC as I would not be able to only be friend (at least for the time being)

  • Author
Little_Bee Member

Little_Bee

Posted
  • Author
Posted

I just got a text from him telling me that he hope I have a nice weekend and that he was wondering when we are going to exchange our stuff.

He said it's no rush but offered to bring me my stuff in his car.

 

I have not yet answered as I actually don't want to see him. I am still very hurt and also fairly angry with him.

He made up his mind and moved on, which just shows me how little he cares and how little he felt for me.

Being honest I don't believe he is actually capable of loving someone as he moves on from a relationship as soon as some routine comes up.

It just makes me so angry that I still miss him and that I'm still feeling awful.

 

I also want to move on, get him out of my mind! I know the best would be to go out and meet friends but I really don't feel like partying right now and instead spend the evening at home.

 

F*ck him! He is not worth me being sad about the break up but, unfortunately, I can do anything against my feelings.

  • Author
Little_Bee Member

Little_Bee

Posted
  • Author
Posted

I just wonder whether I should ask him to bring my stuff over tomorrow as then everything is sorted and I don't have to think about meeting him again for a long while.

 

The only problem is that I am afraid of seeing him as I know it will throw me back and hurt.

Thatguyintx Established Member

Thatguyintx

Posted
Posted
I just wonder whether I should ask him to bring my stuff over tomorrow as then everything is sorted and I don't have to think about meeting him again for a long while.

 

The only problem is that I am afraid of seeing him as I know it will throw me back and hurt.

 

I am all for getting it out of the way. You can prepare for the meeting as well which will make it a little easier. Still hard, but at least not a complete surprise bump into him.

 

Sending good thoughts and comfort your way.

  • Author
Little_Bee Member

Little_Bee

Posted
  • Author
Posted
I am all for getting it out of the way. You can prepare for the meeting as well which will make it a little easier. Still hard, but at least not a complete surprise bump into him.

 

Sending good thoughts and comfort your way.

 

Thanks for your advise; it's what I think is the best to do.

As said my only problem is that I am nervous about seeing him as I know it will throw me back to the starting point of the break up.

 

Even though my mind knows that the relationship was not satisfying and had no chance to last, I still have feelings from him/love him and my heart still doesn't accept that there is no way back and is very hurt.

 

I it so damn painful to do the right thing and not to loose dignity. My heart is screaming: 'talk to him, try to convince him to give it another try' but my mind knows that this wouldn't be a good solution and even if he would want me back it would not last anyway.

However, this fight between my heart and mind is tiring and makes me very sad.

TheLoneSock Established Member

TheLoneSock

Posted
Posted
The only problem is, that I still have stuff at his, which I would like back - I'm just not sure if I could cope with seeing him one last time without being thrown back to day 1 after the break up.

 

Getting knocked back to day one from day 5 or 6 is better than getting knocked back to day one from day 9 or 10.

 

Just do what you need to do now and get it over with. It's like tearing off a band-aid. Just get your stuff and tie off the loose ends now.

  • Author
Little_Bee Member

Little_Bee

Posted
  • Author
Posted

Thanks TheLoneSock, you are right rather being thrown back now than later. (Btw, I like your signature.)

 

Just text him to say that I will be home later this evening and that he can bring my stuff over if he wants.

Fortunately I'm seeing a close friend later so that I have something to do beforehand and also chat about my feelings. The good thing is that she knows him and could never stand him, hence will be good get all my sadness, anger and other feeling from my chest.

  • Author
Little_Bee Member

Little_Bee

Posted
  • Author
Posted

Ok, seems as the handover can't be done today. Great, I really don't fancy meeting him a couple of times to get the handover sorted. Unfortunately I still have a case from him and some bigger stuff at his, so a handover somewhere in the city can't easy happen but I could really do with some of my stuff.

Well, guess I will have to wait until next weekend then.

 

He suggested we could meet in the city for the little things and do the rest another time. Well, even though he might not have a problem with meeting and seeing me I do!

 

Just text back that I would prefer to have it done in one go and suggested next weekend. I will then just ask a friend over so that I don't have to cope with it on my own.

 

I just want to be let alone by him, having contact just hurts, in particular as it doesn't seem to bother him at all.

Great, now I'm completely down again and feel just like crying.

When does this all stop? I don't want to feel so miserable and don't want to be sad about a break up with someone who isn't able to love and wants to move to a friendship as nothing ever has happened between us.

Rose T Established Member

Rose T

Posted
Posted

Little Bee, it really does take time. You're smart to limit your contact with him and hopefully all that stuff can be out of the way next weekend. Please don't be frustrated with how you're feeling because it really will be up and down for a few weeks - be ready for that but also think positively about your recovery and the life you can create after him.

 

Personally, I suffered for about three months after my break up, but in that time I forced myself out and started to make a lot of new friends. This is important - even if you only do something social once or twice a week, you need to start trying to make new connections. There were small breakthroughs for me along the way but by the time I got to month four it was a real turnaround - mainly because of NC and my new friends. I know you like me got a bit isolated in your relationship so please start to think about what you can do for yourself and the new life you can now build - your free time is yours again which is a wonderful thing!

 

Please believe that better days are ahead but you need to take your ex off that pedestal - you can do so much better. :)

  • Author
Little_Bee Member

Little_Bee

Posted
  • Author
Posted

Thanks Rose T, that with taking him off that pedestal is exactly what I try. I try not to think about what we had but what we didn't had and he couldn't give me.

I also try to look forward to a life with my son, a life where he is accepted as part of my life as he doesn't deserve anything less!

 

Your words give me hope and shows me that time will be my ally.

 

I already try to make new friends and warm up old friendships. I also started to go to a scuba diving club so that I can enjoy my new hobby (got into it through my ex) completely and I hope I will meet a bundle of nice people there.

 

It's good to be in this forum, to chat with others and to read how they are coping/ have coped.

 

Thanks guys!

 Share
Go to topic listing
×
×
  • Create New...