Guys: Why I Might Not Be Attracted To YOU

[nezbo]

@Nezbo

 

I don't see how printed words can be warm or cold. That can only come from within you.

 

They most definitely can! letters, text messages and online chit chat can contain almost as much warmth as real life interactions, you just have to allow for the fact that there is no body language to go along with it, warmth can come from the words you chose, which indeed comes from 'within you'

[GoodOnPaper]

Why would you be angry about being rejected by women who have a boyfriend or a husband?

 

In those instances, I wasn't angry about being rejected. Just embarrassed and frustrated that I actually mustered up the courage to have a conversation only to have it not be able to lead anywhere.

[nezbo]

It's tough for this to really soak in when it's hard to simply meet a lot of women. 'She's pretty, seems to like me, she will do' is very tempting when you know it may be weeks or months before the next first meeting/conversation -- and when it does happen, she turns out to have a boyfriend/fiance/husband 99% of the time.

 

Yeah I've definitely been there, a lot! There arent a lot of women with personalities I really click with (especially within my usual scene of friends), and plenty of times in the past have in the past settled for what seems available, and ended up in relationships with women I dont really fit with or truly respect!

 

The problem is when months/years start going past without being able to get the kind of girl you really want and you start lowering your standards just so you have more options dont feel doomed to lonesomeness!

 

I guess my advice would be to just make as many women 'friends' as possible, even the ones with boyfriends, nurture every warm and valuble connection you have and be patient for the right opportunity at the right time and place to come up. It may (and probably will) take awhile, because special things dont come up every day (which is what makes them special), but its important to be unattached when it does!

[Kamille]

use math to solve practical problems

 

Isn't this a good way of describing what you do? If that what matters to you, and what you hope people will get and understand, then simply say it. My question would be: You use math to solve what kind of practical problems?

 

I just thought of an analogy. I could go around telling people that what I do in my everyday life is apply Boltanski's understanding of justification to analyze how social actors seek ways to relegitimate ethnic categories in a postnational economy. Wouldn't it be disingenuous of me to then complain people can't speak up to political sociology? That I don't see the point of "dumbing down" what I do, even though I've been studying it for 10 years, while they probably, at most, did an intro class?

[johan]

Isn't it "relegitimize"?

[Kamille]

Isn't it "relegitimize"?

 

 

Frenchisism. Although, I just looked through my books, and yes, legitimation theory does exists, and the verb legitimate is quite frequently used, even in English. The theory has been mostly developped in France, which might explain the borrowing.

[Mrlonelyone]

Isn't this a good way of describing what you do? If that what matters to you, and what you hope people will get and understand, then simply say it. My question would be: You use math to solve what kind of practical problems?

 

I just discussed this with my mother. She told me that what you just said was OK was too complicated and that I should just lie and tell them a simpler or "more exciting" science.

 

That's just it. I dont give a flying 4uck anymore. I am going to say that I am a theoretical physicist...I apply mathematics to nature. If someone feels stupid when they hear that then I don't know. I am not responsible for other peoples insecurities.

 

I am god dammed tired of this subject.

 

 

I just thought of an analogy. I could go around telling people that what I do in my everyday life is apply Boltanski's understanding of justification to analyze how social actors seek ways to relegitimate ethnic categories in a postnational economy. Wouldn't it be disingenuous of me to then complain people can't speak up to political sociology? That I don't see the point of "dumbing down" what I do, even though I've been studying it for 10 years, while they probably, at most, did an intro class?

 

The differnce is that everyone learns mathematics in grade school.

 

If sally has five apples, and billy has three apples how many apples to they both have?

 

Instead I do. If Jupiter is 500 times more massive than earth and earth's gravity is 9.8 m/s^2 what is the gravity on Jupiter?

 

That is what I do. That is applied mathematics . It's not at all like Botanski's whatever.

[Kamille]

 

 

 

 

The differnce is that everyone learns mathematics in grade school.

 

If sally has five apples, and billy has three apples how many apples to they both have?

 

Instead I do. If Jupiter is 500 times more massive than earth and earth's gravity is 9.8 m/s^2 what is the gravity on Jupiter?

 

That is what I do. That is applied mathematics . It's not at all like Botanski's whatever.

 

Right, because 9.8 m/s^2 is just like 2 apples plus 3 apples makes five apples. Your 9.8 m/s^2 is my Boltanski's. You studied, you mastered it, it doesn't intimidate you. All you would have to do to understand Boltanski is read it. And yet, I'm not going to go ahead and assume every one should have read Boltanski. Likewise, you can't go ahead and assume that people have converted their mathematical knowledge into an understanding of gravitation.

 

Seriously dude. Everybody also has history classes and social sciences classes. That doesn't make them social theorists.

 

You have a two degrees in physics. Two. Hopefully those years spent learning physics gave you a better grasp of the field than a high school mathematic class could. Else there's something wrong with the system.

 

My point is this: your situation is not exceptional. I do wonder, though, why you refuse to admit this point. Why is it so important to you to claim that you're in an exceptionally frustrating situation that none of us can understand?

 

Why do you systematically resist most of the advice given?

Edited March 26, 2011 by Kamille

[Mrlonelyone]

Kamile.

 

I am not asking for a mate to be familiar with the details of what I do. Nor am I calling anyone who does not know the acceleration due to gravity a fool.

 

I merely stated that the concept of applying math to problems... is a simple one.

 

I mean how on earth do people who can't understand that balance their checkbook or make an informed decision about credit? If one can't understand that how can one understand the interest rate on their adjustable mortgage? (Maybe that's why so many people got foreclosed on?)

[nezbo]

Maybe you two need your own thread where you can butt heads intellectually=p

Edited March 26, 2011 by nezbo

[Kamille]

Maybe you two need your own thread where you can butt heads intellectually=p

 

 

 

I agree.

 

Here. Mr. LonelyOne, you have convinced me: Your situation is exceptional. No one can understand it. As a result, you are greatly misunderstood. It must indeed be beyond frustrating.

 

As your situation is exceptional, I think it is best you ignore all the advice you were given here.

[Mrlonelyone]

I resist the advice given because Kamile I have heard it before tried it and it did not work.

 

Hiding what I do or dumbing it down lead to me having people in my life I had to walk on eggshells around.

 

I would rather be alone than have a relationship where I had to be afraid of making my partner feel dumb simply by discussing my hard day at work. My day where I spent time agonizing over a set of equations or grading papers on thermodynamics or some such things.

 

If your pig farmer can talk of slopping her pigs and it's funny and cute why can't what I do get the same lee way?

[mr.dream merchant]

The OP has it right. The only time I flip on the heavy flirting/charm is in the club/party atmosphere because everyone is there to have a good time, so it's not a big deal.

 

In public, the most success I've had is when just talking to them like I would a homeboy of mine, or my brother. One of my gifts is actually being able to communicate with people and have them feel like they've known me for years, plus I'm always clowning so if you're talking to me you're going to smile and laugh.

[welikeincrowds]

I could go around telling people that what I do in my everyday life is apply Boltanski's understanding of justification to analyze how social actors seek ways to relegitimate ethnic categories in a postnational economy.

 

Holy ****. I have to come up with something like this.

 

IMO, the more freely your job description soars over their head, the better. It's nothing but an advantage for you. You don't want to talk about your job anyway.

[zengirl]

Zengirl

 

Your a PhD Student. Have you ever had a man shrink away from you once you say that?

 

Well, I've not been a PhD student and really single (I had a recent blip of singledom when something with the BF spiraled out of hand in Feb, but we're back together now) since I started these particular studies after already dating my BF.

 

If your question is more, has my intelligence or drive ever intimidated a man . . . not that I can recall, though perhaps it has and they didn't ask me out to begin with or I didn't care for them anyway. While I do think a couple needs to be relatively intellectually matched (on the same wavelengths at least), I don't really see being "too smart" or "too successful" or "too educated" as a dating problem.

 

That's just it. I dont give a flying 4uck anymore. I am going to say that I am a theoretical physicist...I apply mathematics to nature. If someone feels stupid when they hear that then I don't know. I am not responsible for other peoples insecurities.

 

I really don't see how saying "I'm a theoretical physicist" would make someone else insecure, assuming you're dating people who are at all compatible. But I can see how they'd ask what you do. Frankly, I am a pretty smart person, and I know plenty of scientists. Saying "I'm a theoretical physicist" is like saying "I'm in medicine" or "I'm in politics" ---okay, so I have a broad idea, but what do you do? I understand what physics is, but, frankly, it's a LOT of things.

 

Now, some careers are easy, because we've all seen them. I usually just say I'm a teacher (at first), though technically I'm a Reading Coach (which is a teacher, but I'm not in the regular classroom; I do intervention with adolescents who are behind in two schools). Okay, mine's easy. Everybody gets that I teach kids to read. But, still. . . any career can be defined this way: By the purpose. There is a reason somebody pays you. It may vary by project to project, but there are goals. What's the goal of what you do? Say that, and most people will get it. I've met many people in scientific fields (my BF included), and this is equally true for those fields.

[Mrlonelyone]

I really don't see how saying "I'm a theoretical physicist" would make someone else insecure, assuming you're dating people who are at all compatible.

 

Therein lies the problem. If I look at people who are "compatible". Just for the sake of a simple conversation People with college degree's and good career's ... everyone I meet like that is taken. However even then I can see the facial expression change when I say physicist. Their eyes momentarily get just like that emoticon.

 

The last person to react that way was a Masters Student at my same university... I wrote of meeting her by pure chance last Thursday Afternoon at the Opera.

 

But I can see how they'd ask what you do. Frankly, I am a pretty smart person, and I know plenty of scientists. Saying "I'm a theoretical physicist" is like saying "I'm in medicine" or "I'm in politics" ---okay, so I have a broad idea, but what do you do? I understand what physics is, but, frankly, it's a LOT of things.

 

I have encountered plenty of smart people who had no clue what physics was. Or if they did they had some rather .... bad ideas.

 

What's the goal of what you do?

 

I am told that saying that I apply mathematical models to nature an try to find connections between different phenomena ...that's too complicated.

 

According to Wikipedia:

Theoretical physics is a branch of physics which employs mathematical models and abstractions of physics to rationalize, explain and predict natural phenomena.

 

That's it. The goal is to explain natural phenomena with mathematical models. There is no simpler explanation which is also true or correct.

 

Say that, and most people will get it. I've met many people in scientific fields (my BF included), and this is equally true for those fields.

 

There is a whole thread above us of people telling me that saying just that is too complicated.

 

Thanks for making an honest try of it Zen Girl. I think you really hit the nail on the head when you wrote " assuming you're dating [i]people who are at all compatible[/i]."

 

If they can't understand the general idea of "applying mathematics to natural phenomena"... they don't need to know the details at all...just the basic concept of a mathematical model... then they just aren't compatible with me. So NEXT! There is nothing I can do to change that and no point in trying.

[zengirl]

Therein lies the problem. If I look at people who are "compatible". Just for the sake of a simple conversation People with college degree's and good career's ... everyone I meet like that is taken.

 

I know plenty of people with degrees and good careers, and I've moved around quite a bit and never lived in an area where those people were difficult to find. A fair amount of them are always taken, but I've always even found attractive, single people with good careers and degrees. Not copious amounts, surely, especially once you add in my other parameters of compatibility, but that's for the best as too many choices are an issue was well. I think you're blocking yourself.

 

However even then I can see the facial expression change when I say physicist. Their eyes momentarily get just like that emoticon.

 

The last person to react that way was a Masters Student at my same university... I wrote of meeting her by pure chance last Thursday Afternoon at the Opera.

 

Isn't it potentially your attitude towards it more than the fact of it?

 

I have encountered plenty of smart people who had no clue what physics was. Or if they did they had some rather .... bad ideas.

 

This is where I point out attitude. Plenty of people have wrong ideas about my job, too. That's true of every job. Why fuss about it?

 

I am told that saying that I apply mathematical models to nature an try to find connections between different phenomena ...that's too complicated.

 

It's not too complicated. It just sounds overly formal and a bit abstract. Frankly, it sounds stuffy. I would suggest making it more specific (outlining the project you're actually working on at the time by defining the phenomena and potential connections), if you're actually discussing it and more direct ("I work with mathmatical models to find connections in nature") if it's just cursory.

 

I don't believe it is an issue of "complicated" but rather "complicated sounding." You shouldn't sound like a Wikipedia article! I don't go around saying "I attempt to help kids improve their phoenemic awareness, decoding skills, and associated comprehension." I just say "I teach kids how to read." If I phrased it the first way, people would think I was stuck up.

 

If they can't understand the general idea of "applying mathematics to natural phenomena"... they don't need to know the details at all...just the basic concept of a mathematical model... then they just aren't compatible with me. So NEXT! There is nothing I can do to change that and no point in trying.

 

Plenty of people who can understand it might give you the face you mention when you word things the way you do. Hopefully you find someone who is compatible, if you don't want to work at re-wording or connecting with people. But I am 100% sure I could understand your job if explained to me and I understand the sentence you've chosen as your explanation (I find it unspecific, but I understand the principle idea). However, I would probably give you that face, because you'd sound pretty stuffy about it. So, I would say, don't assume that reaction is always a lack of understanding.

[phineas]

I personally don't care if a woman is not attracted to me & care even less why.

 

However, I do care that she waits until the 4th or 5th date & after we have kissed to tell me "I just want to be friends"

[Mrlonelyone]

I think you're blocking yourself.

 

I am not. Every graduate student function I have been at EVERYONE has been taken except me. Every department party, every seminar, every conference.

 

I either see wedding bands, hear talk of SO's or some other indications. Then the ones for whom I have seen no indications... turn out to have girl/boyfriends that they neglected to mention.

 

This is not just a couple of people... try a couple dozen over the last many years.

 

 

Isn't it potentially your attitude towards it more than the fact of it?

 

This is where I point out attitude. Plenty of people have wrong ideas about my job, too. That's true of every job. Why fuss about it?

 

I don't. IRL I don't talk about what I do with non scientist if I can help it.

 

It's not too complicated. It just sounds overly formal and a bit abstract. Frankly, it sounds stuffy. I would suggest making it more specific (outlining the project you're actually working on at the time by defining the phenomena and potential connections),

 

I have been told that when I do that it's too formal or grandiose.

 

Here it is in the plainest possible language and as cursory as possible.

 

The project I work on is a review of the published literature on the big bang and the first 380,000 years of existence.

 

The phenomena is the whole universe and the connections are to everything in it. That's not bragging or exaggerating one iota. :|

 

 

I don't believe it is an issue of "complicated" but rather "complicated sounding." You shouldn't sound like a Wikipedia article!

 

I only cited it as backup for my simple explanation. I think some people have the idea that I'm just coming up with some existential "to be or not to be" ... "I think therefore I am" kind of things. "Finding the 'truth' behind the universe."

 

I understand the sentence you've chosen as your explanation (I find it unspecific, but I understand the principle idea). However, I would probably give you that face, because you'd sound pretty stuffy about it.

 

My reaction to being told I am "stuffy" is to think that the person wants me to shuck, shuffle and jive. I wont.

[zengirl]

Here it is in the plainest possible language and as cursory as possible.

 

The project I work on is a review of the published literature on the big bang and the first 380,000 years of existence.

 

Sounds fine to me.

 

The phenomena is the whole universe and the connections are to everything in it. That's not bragging or exaggerating one iota. :|

 

Depending on wording a bit, and tone, this might be fine as well. "I find it fulfilling and interesting because this connects to everything in the universe" or something would be totally fine. Of course, if anyone was saying it with a "My job is oh-so-important and impacts the whole Universe" tone, it'd be lame.

 

I only cited it as backup for my simple explanation. I think some people have the idea that I'm just coming up with some existential "to be or not to be" ... "I think therefore I am" kind of things. "Finding the 'truth' behind the universe."

 

People think incorrect things about my job too. I think what blocks you is it would bother you if someone thought your job were more esoteric and existential than you see it. You seem very attached to your idea of importance. I think it's healthy to find what you do fulfilling and see it's potential importance in the world, but not healthy to need that validated by others. Perhaps just my view, but I think therein lies the distinction on this thread.

 

My feeling my job/interests/passions are imporant = healthy, and my communicating that in a positive "Here's what I do and who I am" sort of way = attractive.

 

A desire to have it validated by someone else or to impress someone with it = unhealthy and unattractive. I think that goes back to the OP's original idea.

[Mrlonelyone]

Zengirl..

 

I don't want validation.. That's the exact opposite of what I want. I want to answer that I am a theoretical physicist and be able to just move onto another topic.

 

I don't want to discuss it with a potential mate..

 

If it seems like I attach existential importance to being a cosmologist well...I am in fact studying how everything came to exist. :shrug: That is another good simple way of putting it....which has the danger of sounding 'grandiose'.

[nezbo]

New thread: 'I cant stop talking about my science job and its getting in the way of me engaging women or participating properly in a romantic advice forum'

 

[LeaningIntoTheMuse]

What I don't understand is why women say the same things over and over again, but do the opposite.

 

I'm starting to believe that there's a lot of truth to not listening to a woman, but paying attention to her actions.

[Kamille]

New thread: 'I cant stop talking about my science job and its getting in the way of me engaging women or participating properly in a romantic advice forum'

 

 

Ask and you shall receive: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t270730/