iris219 Posted March 25, 2011 Posted March 25, 2011 Since it’s hard for me to be attracted to anyone, I’ve been thinking about what attracted me to my ex. It was because he was different. Here’s something I’ve noticed about the guys I went on dates with in the past: They were, essentially, all the same. They may look different, have different jobs and interests, but they’re approach was the same (on many levels). So Jeff’s talking about scuba diving and Joe’s talking about photography, but the way they discussed it felt the same to me—like they were trying to prove they were interesting and I should like them. All I started to hear was blah, blah, blah. This is why I was attracted to my ex. He talked about his interests, but not with an agenda (to make me like him). Also, there’s nothing more attractive, to me, than a man who doesn’t make getting a woman a priority. What attracted me to my ex was the fact that he didn’t hit on me or flirt with me when we first met—he just talked to me, like he’d talk to anyone (male or female). Also, he didn’t chase me. I HATE being chased. I end up feeling like the cat from Pepe la Pew when guys do this. He didn’t play hard to get either. It was just that he had a life and was happy, and dating was in no way his main concern. Guys, a woman who likes you will let you know. If I like someone, I will make contact and let them know I like them. I called my ex first. My ex also made me feel like he wouldn’t date just anyone, that there was something special about ME. It seems like many guys sit around wondering how to pick up women. That’s so bizarre to me (and unattractive). I think their preoccupation with trying to date any decent woman is obvious and not endearing. We can tell when it’s not about us, when any cute girl would suffice. Do any of the women feel similar? What do the guys think?
Cracker Jack Posted March 25, 2011 Posted March 25, 2011 That's a pretty interesting take on this. However, what I've learned is that if there's no flirting, or an effort to let a woman know you're into her, chances are things will go nowhere and she'll just think you're being nice, but are lacking. You're comparing every guy to your ex when you go on these dates, and since none of them seem to measure up to him, or even slightly emulate his approach, you're instantly turned off because of it. Not abnormal, since this happens a whole lot.
Mrlonelyone Posted March 25, 2011 Posted March 25, 2011 What cracker jack said. When I went to the opera yesterday and did the things you say are sure fire... I would have never talked to the woman I met in the audience. I would also have never mentioned or talked about the opera let alone gone to one. Never met one woman who I may meet again when she isn't taken anymore. We can't all be your ex. We can only be us and find someone who will like us for what we actually and honestly are.
fortyninethousand322 Posted March 25, 2011 Posted March 25, 2011 You're absolutely right. Logically, everything you say makes absolute sense. A lot of guys wondering how to get women are often the ones who are very inexperienced. They're behind where they'd like to be and are often desperate to catch up. Many understand that the desperation is not helpful but it's hard to be in that spot and not be desperate, or at least more likely to force things along too much too fast. You know what I mean?
depplover_1980 Posted March 25, 2011 Posted March 25, 2011 Iris, you are simply a female hunter and you like someone challenging, the stronger the individual - the greater the prize. I am one too and coincidently I am also very fussy. Enjoy.
Mrlonelyone Posted March 25, 2011 Posted March 25, 2011 Different strokes for different folks there isn't one way there is one way for every person.
Author iris219 Posted March 25, 2011 Author Posted March 25, 2011 Different strokes for different folks there isn't one way there is one way for every person. I know—this was about me. But so many guys seem to have the same approach when it comes to women, and it doesn't work for me.
Author iris219 Posted March 25, 2011 Author Posted March 25, 2011 Iris, you are simply a female hunter and you like someone challenging, the stronger the individual - the greater the prize. I am one too and coincidently I am also very fussy. Enjoy. Yes, you're right. Many guys don't present any sort of challenge.
Cracker Jack Posted March 25, 2011 Posted March 25, 2011 So, when the guys were describing their interests, how did it come off as them trying to get you to like them in comparison to your ex's approach? I'm just trying to understand.
Mrlonelyone Posted March 25, 2011 Posted March 25, 2011 I don't have that approach to women at all. I seem to have a straight forward honest and old fashioned approach that is out of sync with our decietful and duplicious times. If I like a woman I indicate my interest. I usually choose women I have gotten to know on a platonic basis. I always try twice. If their not interested their will not be a third time. I really don't want to impress women. They just are when I answer that universal first date/ getting to know you question "So what do you do for a living?"
Author iris219 Posted March 25, 2011 Author Posted March 25, 2011 So, when the guys were describing their interests, how did it come off as them trying to get you to like them in comparison to your ex's approach? I'm just trying to understand. It's hard to explain, but it's something like this: It was like they were giving a presentation titled "Why You Should Like Me." There wasn't a lot of give and take--they were just talking and didn't seem to care if I responded, just that I was listening and paying attention to the "presentation." It's like they were trying to think of "cool" things to say about themselves. My ex, on the other hand, didn't have the idea of dating me as his ultimate goal, so he talked to me the way he would a man (and I'm not saying that he was against dating me, just that it would be OK if we never did and it was simply an opportunity to have a nice conversation with someone.) He was humble. He actually left out a lot of info about his career--he has a really cool job--so that I had to ask specific questions. And there really wasn't a lot of talk about ourselves. The conversation was very natural and we talked about what was going on around us and how we felt about certain topics in general, not the cliche "where we grew up and what we like to do" kind of conversation.
Cracker Jack Posted March 25, 2011 Posted March 25, 2011 Thanks for explaining. I see where you're coming from.
Ross PK Posted March 25, 2011 Posted March 25, 2011 So for a woman to be attracted to a guy, he's got to act like he's not interested?
Author iris219 Posted March 25, 2011 Author Posted March 25, 2011 So for a woman to be attracted to a guy, he's got to act like he's not interested? No. Getting a date shouldn't be the number 1 goal when talking to a woman. He should be interested. I mean, we're interested when we talk to our friends, right? He should genuinely be OK with solely having a conversation with a women, even if it goes no further than that conversation. I don't think this is something you can fake.
Kelemort Posted March 25, 2011 Posted March 25, 2011 I've read a lot of books dealing with love...some with jealousy...one of the more recent reads was "Getting the love you Deserve." I think the guy's last name was Harville? In any case, if you search for that phrase, it'll turn it up. His suggestions made sense to me. He strongly believes that we often search for partners who a.) Remind us of our caretakers or b.) Select partners who represent inhibited parts of ourselves. Many of the men I've dated have been standoffish, a little self-centered and cold. Why? On the opposite end of the spectrum, I can be outgoing, very friendly and very giving. I chose people who complemented my personality - people who needed something that I could provide. In return, I suppose I was attracted to people who weren't afraid to give others a piece of their mind, who didn't feel as though they had to bend to everybody else's whims. They also reminded me of my own mother. My mother has, throughout most of my adult life, been distant, selfish, manipulative and childish. In the men I dated, I found the sorts of people who would be harsh critics of me. I found people for whom I'd never be good enough. One of my boyfriends was absolute crap. He'd never do ANYTHING. His car broke down and he expected me to cart him to school, to work, to his friends' houses for a year. I was forevermore taking him out and paying, and he'd scarcely offer up a dime of his own money. He blamed me for all of the problems in our relationship and told me I wasn't "spontaneous" enough. He wasn't spontaneous either, but he expected me to put all of the pep, fun and excitement into the relationship while he reaped all of the benefits. I eventually got my brains back and dumped that guy. It ticked the little baby off that he suddenly had to fend for himself. Wah. To that guy, I think I represented his own mother - I was a caretaker. I was a provider. I was nurturing and affectionate. I think this "opposites attract" thing is the source of a lot of relationship frustration. After the initial buzz of "you complete me," there's, "Oh my God I can't stand it, we're too different." Although I think I've had a positive effect on most of the folks I've dated - because of me, they became more confident in the social scene. It pulled them out of some of their depressive isolation, and they learned how to interact more with other people.
Thedude22 Posted March 25, 2011 Posted March 25, 2011 Oh Iris, you'd so be attracted to me, let's not kid ourselves . But yeah guys notoriously over complicate how to talk to women. I talk to them like ****ing dudes essentially, but scale back on the crassness. I think women respect men who don't give a **** about dating taboos and just talk like they would talk normally. This ain't a job interview fellas, you don't have to list your strengths and weaknesses and where you'll be in five years. Still there are some women who get turned off by the fact I don't treat them like china dolls but that persona will get you more girls than lose them. Still some B.S. is necessary in flirting and pick ups, which is why I hate flirting and pick ups.
Mrlonelyone Posted March 25, 2011 Posted March 25, 2011 What if you have a naturally "too intelligent" (so I was told about my dating profiles) manner of writing, and speaking? Suppose my elocution is just naturally proper?
Feelin Frisky Posted March 25, 2011 Posted March 25, 2011 Women need to be able to develop their "wants". If guys start "selling" themselves as "scuba divers" or "photographers", they give themselves away that they are what they are as part of their "gimmick" to get what THEY WANT. When they just are themselves in how they go about things and don't "sell", they instead "market" themselves or, in other words simply allow others to "buy them" if and when they're interested. So, there has to be sensitivity to a woman's personal wants--she's not a property or an objective, she's an equal.
Ross PK Posted March 25, 2011 Posted March 25, 2011 No. Getting a date shouldn't be the number 1 goal when talking to a woman. He should be interested. I mean, we're interested when we talk to our friends, right? He should genuinely be OK with solely having a conversation with a women, even if it goes no further than that conversation. I don't think this is something you can fake. I think a big problem with me is I'm always hoping that women who I talk to are attracted to me, and I'll wish that things could go further. Even if it's just a woman in a shop who I give the money to when I buy something and we don't talk. I'll always be thinking, did that smile mean anything, could she be interested in me, and I'll be thinking about the next time I see her when I go in there, ect. I guess it's just extreme desperation.
fishtaco Posted March 25, 2011 Posted March 25, 2011 No. Getting a date shouldn't be the number 1 goal when talking to a woman. He should be interested. I mean, we're interested when we talk to our friends, right? He should genuinely be OK with solely having a conversation with a women, even if it goes no further than that conversation. I don't think this is something you can fake. Using friendship first to approach someone then later go for romance is called "bait and switch". I don't do that. It's too time consuming for me, and some women don't appreciate that. But this is also why, just from reading these posts, iris219 and I will NEVER get along. As friends, why not. As romantic interests, no way. We would both be chew our own arms off at the same time. Luckily, many women aren't like this. Me, I make it known from the start that I'm interested. Then it's up to her to decide if she is too or not. If she is, let's go and see where it ends up. If not, shake hands, no hard feelings, we can be friends if you want, but don't be surprised I have a date with someone else tomorrow.
Author iris219 Posted March 25, 2011 Author Posted March 25, 2011 Women need to be able to develop their "wants". If guys start "selling" themselves as "scuba divers" or "photographers", they give themselves away that they are what they are as part of their "gimmick" to get what THEY WANT. When they just are themselves in how they go about things and don't "sell", they instead "market" themselves or, in other words simply allow others to "buy them" if and when they're interested. So, there has to be sensitivity to a woman's personal wants--she's not a property or an objective, she's an equal. Yes, this ^. Knowing that some men understand this is going to help me get over the fact that fishtaco and I will never date
Knittress Posted March 26, 2011 Posted March 26, 2011 I think it's instinctual or something? They get that puffed-up look about themselves and start rattling off their credentials. While you're just sitting there blinking slowly and thinking, "that's nice... are you interested in talking to ME at all..." Sometimes it backfires because some guy thinks he's the shiz when you've accomplished twice as much and you don't want to embarrass him, but at the same time you feel patronized-to like you're some useless little airhead, yanno? Not ALL men are this borish, but enough are that I think it's an inbuilt tendency for many. I think what's being said is that we like to be ENGAGED in a conversation, as if the guy wants to know what we think, what we feel, etc.
Nexus One Posted March 26, 2011 Posted March 26, 2011 (edited) What makes you think those guys were trying to impress you? I regularly tell women about stuff I do/did without feeling attracted to them or wanting to impress them. It's for the sakes of making a conversation. I told them stuff, they told me stuff and not a f*ck was given that day. You're reading between the lines of what men say. If a guy is passionate about photography he might just want to talk to someone about his passion. He might not at all be into you. Just because a guy speaks to you about stuff he does, doesn't mean he wants your p*ssy, get off your high horse. Edited March 26, 2011 by Nexus One
TheLoneSock Posted March 26, 2011 Posted March 26, 2011 Lol Iris, I think you're going to be searching for a man for a pretty long time sweetie. But as long as you are searching, remember to not ridicule or over analyze guys for doing their search as well. It is hypocritical and will not aid you in your own hunt Cheers
Kamille Posted March 26, 2011 Posted March 26, 2011 It's fairly easy to tell when a guy is trying to impress. And I agree with Iris, depending on the degree to which it's done, it's not usually very charming. I like free-flowing interactions that are about two people having a good time together. When a guy does the 'impress' thing,dates become very scripted and very dull, and I end up feeling like the date is about me validating him, not us figuring out whether or not we click. Although, sometimes trying to impress can be cute. If a guy is otherwise interacting normally and then momentarily lapses into nervousness-trying-to-impress, I'll probably think :"ah cute, that means he likes me". But if the whole date is a sales-pitch, then it gets two thumbs down and no sequel. FYI, I like when the guy shows some interest. To me the "interest" thing and the "impress" thing are two completely different things. But I get what Iris is saying: even though you're interested in someone, you still have to figure out whether or not you two are actually a good match. Being interested doesn't mean putting all your cards on the table all at once.
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