Author Mrlonelyone Posted March 25, 2011 Author Posted March 25, 2011 @girlygirl No it's not percieved as being mean at all. The thing is the alternatives are to lie or obfuscate. Let me put it this way. Suppose a woman came on here next month and talked about how this guy she met on OKC did not have that he was BI in his profile. What would you say to her and what would you say about him? Be honest.
Girlygirl1977 Posted March 25, 2011 Posted March 25, 2011 I'm not telling you to lie. I am imagining this facts are important but I think these are affecting interest in you both online and offline. There will be only a small segment all of the facts will work for. This cannot be changed but it explains a lot of your frustrations. I also saw your post on the lady from the opera. I definitely do not think she is interested and you should take no further steps there which it sounds like you agree with. I think the guard may have been acting on her behalf as well since she hasn't replied to your fb msg asking about the guard. I know for me if I feel I don't like a guy who only has to do a little before I try to shut him completely out. Anyway - there are quite a few things going on for you that are making it hard to meet people and your basic facts are fundamental and a critical part of it. I am beginning to think you may act in away socially which is not producing desired results. This is something you can work on but you need to get some feedback from people who see you in real life. You have become dependent on these forums and I'm wondering if you are also increasing your social circle? Or do you have friends who can give you honest feedback perhaps?
Kamille Posted March 25, 2011 Posted March 25, 2011 Now I really want your help. I'm not sure what thread you mean could you provide a link? Please. This one: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showpost.php?p=3308788&postcount=17 I was also thinking you could include a joke like: "Yes, I love science. Which means I love every activity that lets me put it in action: from bowling to biking . But fear not, I am a versatile conversationalist: I love to laugh, chit chat about activities of the day and current event. I also love to put the people around me at ease." This little paragraph sums up the idea that science is never really far from your thoughts, that you are not limited to science, that you like to laugh and that you like biking and bowling... Without you having to say: I like biking and bowling. (And edit out the sentence about how you like to laugh and relax).
Kamille Posted March 25, 2011 Posted March 25, 2011 I concur about it being waaay too long. You should sum yourself up in a couple of positive paragraphs, perhaps lists your interests but no need to go into detail - that comes later if they are curious to know more about you. Exactly! Use your profile to pique their curiosity. And, use the first date to continue to pique their curiosity. The first few days of dating are all about showing just enough to intrigue.
Author Mrlonelyone Posted March 25, 2011 Author Posted March 25, 2011 Thanks K is it ok if I used that verbatim?
Kamille Posted March 25, 2011 Posted March 25, 2011 Thanks K is it ok if I used that verbatim? Of course!
cerridwen Posted March 25, 2011 Posted March 25, 2011 MrLonelyOne, are you open to widening the age range of people you'd be interested in dating? 24-31 seems a bit narrow.
elaina Posted March 26, 2011 Posted March 26, 2011 Ok MrLonelyOne, I'm going to be bluntly honest with you here, ok? First of all, you are an amazing and interesting person - one of a kind. Because you are one of a kind, not many people are going to appreciate your uniqueness, but your uniqueness is one reason why you are amazing and interesting. Second, you look like a girl. I hope you don't take it the wrong way, but as a woman, I'm extremely attracted to masculine qualities in a man, and have never been attracted to a guy with feminine qualities. I am not alone in this. So, many women are going to automatically decide you are not the man of their dreams for that simple fact. Another thing: you are Muslim. I have Muslim friends and they would swear that there cannot be a bisexual Muslim... I am sure you deal with that yes? I am sorry if you are persecuted for this. I know this is a heavy issue, but it's one that has to be taken into account. On the one hand, most Muslim girls who are seeking a Muslim guy will strictly not be interested in a guy who is bisexual. On the other hand, Non Muslim girls are going to wonder about you being Muslim, and in general, most girls are not interested in men who are bisexual. So, this limits the women who would be interested in you considerably. So, please don't be offended if it takes awhile for you to find the right woman. Please understand that a woman who is attracted to you is also very special and amazing and interesting, who is not like the majority of women who is interested in meeting a straight guy. Sometimes it takes a lot of time for two people who are unique to find each other. I think you did a very good job in describing yourself, and you have my respect. Hopefully soon the lady of your dreams will come into your life. Until then, I can only say to be patient and enjoy life and be ready for when you meet her.
elaina Posted March 26, 2011 Posted March 26, 2011 Ok so to find a so with LTR potential I need to: Lie or obfuscate about my occupation. Lie or obfuscate about my sexual preferences. What else? Nah you shouldn't lie! I think you are an amazing person, like a unique and rare plant. You are a gift to the world... you shouldn't lie about anything that makes you you! Instead, just realize it's gonna take awhile for the right person (male or female or bi) to find you... it takes time sometimes, but I do sincerely hope that soon you will have a wonderful partner who you love and who accepts and loves you how you are!!! Be patient. Sometimes love takes its time to arrive.
Author Mrlonelyone Posted March 26, 2011 Author Posted March 26, 2011 Eliana. I know I have always looked feminine. Funny thing though Is when I tried living as a woman everyone thought I looked like a man. As for your muslim friends how do they explain people like those in the following video's. http://www.guardian.co.uk/world/interactive/2010/jan/28/pakistan-transgender-hijra-wedding-dancers Your friends are full of bull. Yes there are queer muslims, Xtians, and jews. I know eliana. I think it's very likely that I am just too unique to be matched.
elaina Posted March 26, 2011 Posted March 26, 2011 Eliana. I know I have always looked feminine. Funny thing though Is when I tried living as a woman everyone thought I looked like a man. The thing is: people like to put everyone in a category. It confuses people when one fits into 2 categories. In India I think, there is male and female and bi? but in most cultures, that is really confusing. Please don't feel bad about it though. You know yes you are unique. I understand in a way how that would be hard, but please see yourself as what you are: a gift to the world. You need to always remember that! As for your muslim friends how do they explain people like those in the following video's. http://www.guardian.co.uk/world/interactive/2010/jan/28/pakistan-transgender-hijra-wedding-dancers I don't know. I don't tend to ask them to explain things that are difficult issues like this. Respect and tolerance are paramount to me, and I try to be a peacemaker. It is hard to do sometimes. Your friends are full of bull. Yes there are queer muslims, Xtians, and jews. No I do not consider my friends to be full of bull, though I understand how you are speaking out of hurt. They just sincerely believe what they believe. It is up to you and me and other people to educate people in that all people are special. Yes there are Christians and Jews and Muslims who are gays and bisexuals, which is hard for many believers in God to understand. I don't think it's right to call them "queer." That's one thing that my sister, who has friends who are lesbian, has big issues with... people condemning or labeling as strange people with different sexual orientations. It is a confusing issue to many people, but with education and tolerance, things do change. I know eliana. I think it's very likely that I am just too unique to be matched. I disagree. As you said, there are Muslims and Christians and Jews, and people of other beliefs/ no belief, who are gay and bisexual, so no you are not too unique to be matched. It is important though to be aware that it's going to take more time, but when the person comes, it is worth the wait, yes? Please don't feel bad. I didn't mean to make you feel bad. I was just showing that as you are unique, it's going to be a less "pool of fish", but that isn't a bad thing at all. I am sure there is someone special for you, because I believe God does make people who are special for each other, though I don't understand all He does.
Author Mrlonelyone Posted March 26, 2011 Author Posted March 26, 2011 The people I pointed out aren't in India... They are in the most Islaimc Republic of Pakistan and they too are Muslim. About the word "Queer". That's not a bad word. I.e. Queer studies or Queer theory departments at universities. Many younger LGBT people embrace the word. Your sisters friends have an old fashioned view of things. eliana... don't take this the wrong way... however some people are never matched with another. i.e. Issac Newton. As far as anyone can prove he never had a SO of any kind. He had some good male and female friends...but as far as anyone knows no lovers...ever. I am not saying I am as great as he was...he's just an example that's near to my heart.
elaina Posted March 26, 2011 Posted March 26, 2011 The people I pointed out aren't in India... They are in the most Islaimc Republic of Pakistan and they too are Muslim. What I have learned about what Muslims believe is mainly what I have heard when visiting a masjid here in the USA. I have never been to Pakistan. About the word "Queer". That's not a bad word. I.e. Queer studies or Queer theory departments at universities. Many younger LGBT people embrace the word. Your sisters friends have an old fashioned view of things. Below is the definition of queer from http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/queer: "queer /kwɪər/ Show Spelled [kweer] Show IPA adjective, -er, -est, verb, noun –adjective 1. strange or odd from a conventional viewpoint; unusually different; singular: a queer notion of justice. 2. of a questionable nature or character; suspicious; shady: Something queer about the language of the prospectus kept investors away. 3. not feeling physically right or well; giddy, faint, or qualmish: to feel queer. 4. mentally unbalanced or deranged. 5. Slang: Disparaging and Offensive . a. homosexual. b. effeminate; unmanly. 6. Slang . bad, worthless, or counterfeit." Definition 5 shows that queer is offensive. This is why my sister and her friends have an issue with this word, because of the offensive nature. That is interesting that some people have embraced the word and turned it into a non offensive word. There is that issue with other words too I guess, like words that were used to put down people of other ethnicities that people of the same ethnicity now use for each other. Regardless, I prefer words that were never meant to be insulting. Gay and bisexual are much better, because neither terms are offensive, in my opinion. eliana... don't take this the wrong way... however some people are never matched with another. i.e. Issac Newton. As far as anyone can prove he never had a SO of any kind. He had some good male and female friends...but as far as anyone knows no lovers...ever. I am not saying I am as great as he was...he's just an example that's near to my heart.I don't take it the wrong way. Did Isaac Newton want to find someone and didn't?
Author Mrlonelyone Posted March 26, 2011 Author Posted March 26, 2011 As for the dictionary. This is from http://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/queer[1] Usage Discussion of QUEER Over the past two decades, an important change has occurred in the use of queer in sense 2d. The older, strongly pejorative use has certainly not vanished, but a use by some gay people and some academics as a neutral or even positive term has established itself. This development is most noticeable in the adjective but is reflected in the corresponding noun as well. The newer use is sometimes taken to be offensive, especially by older gay men who fostered the acceptance of gay in these uses and still have a strong preference for it. Ok?
johan Posted March 26, 2011 Posted March 26, 2011 If you want to get noticed, have good photos, keep it short, and use humor. You're going to get to talk about yourself on the actual dates, so don't feel obligated to lay it all out in your profile. Answer the question in one or two sentences and make a joke or two somewhere in there. The best jokes are the ones that take people off guard and make them wonder for a minute if you could possibly be serious. Irony is your friend. That's going to attract women anyway. Probably a guy is only really going to care about your pictures.
OliveOyl Posted March 26, 2011 Posted March 26, 2011 (edited) I think your profile is very unique and very cool. You are obviously a very intelligent, philosophical person. If I were in your age range and in your area, your profile might be of interest to me as a woman except for one big, huge, showstopper thing: I am bisexual and bigendered. That means I am 100% into women and 100% into men 100% of the time. I also feel 100% like a man and 100% like a woman 100% of the time. It is not even so much your being bi, but it is the sense that you have no preference / choose not to make a decision as to your preferred gender. It almost comes across as you will take anything you can get (I'm sure that this is not the case... but the phrase above makes it seem that way). As a woman I want to be with a man who wants to be with a woman. I don't want to have to compete with other men as well as other women. I think you might be narrowing yourself down only to people who see themselves as transgendered themselves. There is the confusion here of your not only being open to either gender, but you yourself can swing both ways as to YOUR gender too. My suggestion is that you pick which gender you'd really prefer to partner with - if you can. If you cannot choose a preferred gender, make two separate profiles, on two separate sites. And then if have decided to identify yourself as a male -- do not show the feminized pictures of yourself on your profile. You can always do that later. In my opinion, to be very blunt, this is the "elephant in the room" and everything else about your profile is much less significant in its impact. You're attractive, you're intelligent, and you can write a good profile. However, most people strongly identify with gender and gender preference. You just need to target who you are, and who you want. In our current society, unfortunately for the few "two-spirits" like you, both does not compute for most people. Edited March 26, 2011 by OliveOyl
Author Mrlonelyone Posted March 26, 2011 Author Posted March 26, 2011 I think your profile is very unique and very cool. You are obviously a very intelligent, philosophical person. If I were in your age range and in your area, your profile might be of interest to me as a woman except for one big, huge, showstopper thing: I am bisexual and bigendered. That means I am 100% into women and 100% into men 100% of the time. I also feel 100% like a man and 100% like a woman 100% of the time. It is not even so much your being bi, but it is the sense that you have no preference / choose not to make a decision as to your preferred gender. It almost comes across as you will take anything you can get (I'm sure that this is not the case... but the phrase above makes it seem that way). It means I am bigendered. I am a two spirit.. or in the words of the American Indian tribe to which I am related a M'Netokwe. As a woman I want to be with a man who wants to be with a woman. I don't want to have to compete with other men as well as other women. I think you might be narrowing yourself down only to people who see themselves as transgendered themselves. That's not true at all. Plenty of cisgendered normal men and women date transgendered people all the time. If someone can't handle my non standard gender identity they can just go elsewhere.
OliveOyl Posted March 26, 2011 Posted March 26, 2011 I was actually in the process of editing my previous post on this. I was going to add the following but LS wouldn't let me: On second thought. I am answering on how it comes across to me. But I'm not into bi guys. Most likely... you want a woman who's into bi guys and more ambiguous gender identification. So on second/third thought -- you should leave some of that in, understanding that far fewer women (and men) may respond, but the ones who do - will be the ones who are compatible with you in that way. I still do think you should tone down the "100%/100%" or reword it so it doesn't sound like you'll go out with just anybody.
Author Mrlonelyone Posted March 26, 2011 Author Posted March 26, 2011 Olive the thing is this. I don't care what gender I go out with. However I do care about the person . I notice that 100% straight men will screw 1's thorugh 10's in terms of looks. Gay men do the same. Where as bisexuals don't care about the person being male or female... just be a 5 or above and with a sparkling personality we can have some good times.
Author Mrlonelyone Posted March 26, 2011 Author Posted March 26, 2011 You know as far as my looks are concerned. I think I look about as masculine or feminine as Prince, or Davie Bowie. Yet both of them are married to women now aren't they. Beautiful ones at that.
OliveOyl Posted March 26, 2011 Posted March 26, 2011 You basically have two approaches. You can tone down your transgender nature to get a bigger range of responses, that might not match, or you can keep it as it is, and you will get fewer but more compatible responses. I'm retracting my previous position and I think you should leave that aspect of your profile as it is. I know nothing about the transgender scene at all, but I imagine if you live in a big metropolitan or very liberal area (such as San Francisco) it will definitely be easier than if you live in Podunk, USA.
Author Mrlonelyone Posted March 26, 2011 Author Posted March 26, 2011 I live in Chicago. Olive the problem I have had all my life hasn't been finding sexual interest. The truth is plenty of straight people male and female would have sex with a transgender person if they knew no one would ever know of it. The problem is getting a LTR. It's the very reason that transsexual women who are post op don't tell their partner's some times.
Mme. Chaucer Posted March 26, 2011 Posted March 26, 2011 I think that you should keep being up front about your gender / sexuality status in your profile, though it certainly will keep many people away. That's okay, really. I think it would be a shame and very hurtful to get to know and like someone only to be rejected when they learn about something that is a very integral part of who you are. One thing to beware of, though; you risk attracting fetishists. I'm sure that would be fine for sexual adventures, but I know from the experiences of some people quite close to me that it is painful to be looking for a real relationship and to continuously get sidelined as a sexual "freak" and not more. Sometimes, gender and sexuality is ALL that other people can see, if those things fall outside of the "norm." I've lived all up and down the west coast and there is quite a community here that's interested in the rights of people of ANY gender and / or sexuality to find fulfillment in this society without hiding. Some friends of mine are even trying to change way the English language is commonly written and spoken by using only gender-neutral pronouns.
Author Mrlonelyone Posted March 26, 2011 Author Posted March 26, 2011 Yeah I have heard of those gender neutral pronouns. Ze Zir and zim instead of he/she sir/maam etc. I have experienced what you have about fetishist sort of. People who only want to have the "sexual adventure" with someone like me. Or about as bad people who may be game for more of a relationship...but who can't handle the disapproval of others for associating with me. But what can I do? I am a multiple minority.
Recommended Posts