chelle21689 Posted March 25, 2011 Posted March 25, 2011 Okay, so I'm wondering if this is a huge deal breaker. I've met this guy 5 weeks ago through a mutual friend who introduced us. We've been texting and talking every night for an hour or two and seeing each other on the weekend. Even if he's out he'll text me to say "Hi." or call. Thursday we made plans to hang out because we didn't have plans on Friday. Few hours later when he got off work he canceled saying he had to take his mom out to dinner and he just found out. (We're both busy Sat. and Sun) I just said "It's okay." We talked for 2 hours and then before saying good night he asked "So what are your plans for tomorrow then?" I said "I don't know yet, we'll see." then he said "It shouldn't take long to grab a bite to eat cuz then I'll have nothing to do when I get home." After we hung up I thought "Um....so why didn't he reschedule with me since he'll be home??? WTF?" thoughts?! This is the first time he canceled on me.
0hpenelope Posted March 25, 2011 Posted March 25, 2011 Hm... What's really bothersome to you: that he canceled the date to go out with his mom or that he canceled on you at the last minute? Because to me, how guys treat their mothers and sisters (if they have any) is usually a good indicator of how well he treats girls. Whether or not your guy does this because he's a mama's boy in an inconsiderate, rude sense remains yet to be seen. I think this is a green flag but at the same time, I'm not invalidating your concerns. Who likes a flake? Making arrangements only to be told that was a change in plans and be told about it not soon enough's such a waste of time. To me, though, it sounds like the dinner out with his mom caught him off-guard and it didn't occur to him that he could make other arrangements until later. I say give him a break on this one. If your gut says something else, then you're probably right and you should just let him go.
Eeyore79 Posted March 25, 2011 Posted March 25, 2011 I don't think it's necessarily a red flag. It sounds like you made plans on Thursday afternoon, and when he got home a couple hours later his mom said "Oh you already promised to take me out" so he called you back and tried to reschedule for Friday, but you said you weren't available. So yeah, technically he canceled on you at the last minute, but you had only made last minute plans a couple hours earlier, so it's not like he could have given you more notice. Plus he did spend a couple hours talking to you before he went out with his mom, and he did try to reschedule, so he's obviously not losing interest. Also he didn't cancel on you to go drinking with his buddies or anything; he canceled because he had plans with his mom. The fact that a guy even takes his mom out at all speaks volumes about his character. I'd be inclined to let this one go and see how the relationship progresses. If he's constantly canceling on you or giving preference to his mom then obviously there's an issue, but in this case I don't really think it's a big deal.
EasyHeart Posted March 25, 2011 Posted March 25, 2011 HE LOVES HIS MOM!!! Sheesh. That is so not a red flag. If he had cancelled on his mom to go out with you, you'd probably be on here complaining that he doesn't treat his mom well. Give the poor guy a break.
Ruby Slippers Posted March 25, 2011 Posted March 25, 2011 If it's a one-time or rare thing, no big deal. If it becomes a pattern, you may have a mama's boy on your hands.
Author chelle21689 Posted March 25, 2011 Author Posted March 25, 2011 I think you guys are misunderstanding what I'm saying though =\. We were supposed to go out tonight but instead he's taking his mom to dinner. He told me that after work it shouldn't take long at all to take her out and that he'd have nothing to do afterward. <-- This is where it bothers me. He didn't say we could hang out after he took his mom out.
Survivor12 Posted March 25, 2011 Posted March 25, 2011 And he's probably wondering why you didn't make the suggestion yourself, after he said: "It shouldn't take long to grab a bite to eat cuz then I'll have nothing to do when I get home."
Ruby Slippers Posted March 25, 2011 Posted March 25, 2011 I think you guys are misunderstanding what I'm saying though =\. We were supposed to go out tonight but instead he's taking his mom to dinner. He told me that after work it shouldn't take long at all to take her out and that he'd have nothing to do afterward. <-- This is where it bothers me. He didn't say we could hang out after he took his mom out. We talked for 2 hours and then before saying good night he asked "So what are your plans for tomorrow then?" I said "I don't know yet, we'll see." then he said "It shouldn't take long to grab a bite to eat cuz then I'll have nothing to do when I get home." After we hung up I thought "Um....so why didn't he reschedule with me since he'll be home??? WTF?" It was just a passive move on his part. He expressed openness to doing something with you after dinner with his mom, then hinted that he wanted to see you afterward, but did not directly ask you to do something. Maybe he thought you would be annoyed that he had other plans and had to cancel, and was testing the waters. Or maybe seeing his mom is an ordeal and he didn't feel like hanging out afterward, but offered it up in a passive way because he didn't want to piss you off. It could be anything, really. The proactive thing to do would have been either: I'm having dinner with mom; can we do X after?, or I'm having dinner with mom, so can we do X instead on Friday? Passive behavior in a man I like really turns me off, but at this point, I'd stick with him and just see if it becomes a pattern or a problem.
Author chelle21689 Posted March 25, 2011 Author Posted March 25, 2011 @Survivor: why would I make a suggestion to do something after when he said that he had to cancel? LOL
somedude81 Posted March 25, 2011 Posted March 25, 2011 He was probably afraid that after he had dinner with his mom and then tried to make plans with you afterwords, you'd think he just wanted to have sex. He wanted you to make plans so you wouldn't think that about him.
EyesWideOpen Posted March 25, 2011 Posted March 25, 2011 Because to me, how guys treat their mothers and sisters (if they have any) is usually a good indicator of how well he treats girls. UNLESS he's got some sort of mom complex and will always place his mother ahead of his SO. Not that I'm bitter that my ex clung to her apron strings for dear life or anything. *shifty eyes* Lol...not that you can make that determination from breaking one date to take Mom out to dinner. Not that big of a deal.
0hpenelope Posted March 25, 2011 Posted March 25, 2011 UNLESS he's got some sort of mom complex and will always place his mother ahead of his SO. Not that I'm bitter that my ex clung to her apron strings for dear life or anything. *shifty eyes* Lol...not that you can make that determination from breaking one date to take Mom out to dinner. Not that big of a deal. Oh yeah totally! That's why I said this, too: "Whether or not your guy does this because he's a mama's boy in an inconsiderate, rude sense remains yet to be seen." I've seen its disruptive effects on relationships also and a lot of these mama's boys don't get why their relationships don't work out.
Author chelle21689 Posted March 25, 2011 Author Posted March 25, 2011 UPDATE: He texted me "Hiii :)" and he said " Rog (our mutual friend) invited me out tonight to the bar." I said, "Ohh u going?" he said, "I might since I haven't seen him in a while." Now I'm pissedddd!!!! He canceled and he's free and he makes other plans! Is he playing games? Then he was like, "you too if you go out!"
EyesWideOpen Posted March 25, 2011 Posted March 25, 2011 UPDATE: He texted me "Hiii :)" and he said " Rog (our mutual friend) invited me out tonight to the bar." I said, "Ohh u going?" he said, "I might since I haven't seen him in a while." Now I'm pissedddd!!!! He canceled and he's free and he makes other plans! Is he playing games? Then he was like, "you too if you go out!" Respond with "I'd join you guys, but I'll be busy washing my hair."
depplover_1980 Posted March 25, 2011 Posted March 25, 2011 I think you are overanalysing here. Just go meet him and have fun. That's what it should be all about.
Author chelle21689 Posted March 25, 2011 Author Posted March 25, 2011 No way in heck am I going to show up to a place where I wasn't even invited! Why would he text me to let me know and not invite me? Okay...whatever. If he's gonna seem fishy from this point on I'm done. I have no time for stupid games.
lolo1234 Posted March 25, 2011 Posted March 25, 2011 Yeah sorry but I'm with u on this. YOU were supposed to go out with him tonite. Now he's gonna hang with a friend and didn't even invite you? Not cool
Author chelle21689 Posted March 25, 2011 Author Posted March 25, 2011 We've been seeing each other for a month and this is the first time he's done something like this. There were never ever signs of stupid games until today. How should I handle this????? I'm so disappointed in him. UGH
Stung Posted March 25, 2011 Posted March 25, 2011 He made pretty obvious hints and broad gestures directing you towards meeting up with him after his dinner with his mother. You're hung up on the semantics of the word 'canceled,' as opposed to, maybe, the word 'rescheduled' or 'modified,' so instead of being proactive yourself and responding positively to his signals, you chose to hang back and wait for him to chase you harder. Since you didn't pick up the ball and show him you're still interested in seeing him after his dinner with his mother, he figured you weren't up for going out and he made other plans. Not a big mysterious situation, and something you played a part in creating as well when you stonewalled him as he was fishing to see what you were doing after dinner.
depplover_1980 Posted March 25, 2011 Posted March 25, 2011 Listen to this advice. Reschedule with him for as soon as possible and stop driving yourself crazy. It doesn't need to be this dramatic. He made pretty obvious hints and broad gestures directing you towards meeting up with him after his dinner with his mother. You're hung up on the semantics of the word 'canceled,' as opposed to, maybe, the word 'rescheduled' or 'modified,' so instead of being proactive yourself and responding positively to his signals, you chose to hang back and wait for him to chase you harder. Since you didn't pick up the ball and show him you're still interested in seeing him after his dinner with his mother, he figured you weren't up for going out and he made other plans. Not a big mysterious situation, and something you played a part in creating as well when you stonewalled him as he was fishing to see what you were doing after dinner.
Madgick1 Posted March 25, 2011 Posted March 25, 2011 (edited) This is SO a red flag. Take it from a woman who was married to a momma's boy. The guy who wouldn't sit with me at a show ON OUR HONEYMOON because his mother 'would be upset'. He also wouldn't take me out for a drink again ON OUR HONEYMOON because his mommy wanted time alone with him. He took her instead and lied to me once and promised to go with me and then just stood me up. He also told me wives were replaceable but families were forever. And when his brother called to yell at him for being so mean to mom, he'd tell his brother lies about me--his wife, because that was the price of admission to his family, he had to agree with them that I was the bad guy. He wasn't even ashamed when I overheard him. He'd tell me all the time that a man who was good to his mother was a good husband. He was a horrible husband. If you think that men who treat their mothers well invariably make good husbands google momma's boys, I hate my motherinlaw, motherinlaw stories, motherinlaw hell. These women are MISERABLE married to momma's boys. She was a horrible woman who cried all the time and needed attention nonstop. He'd say, I love my mother but don't like her. And she'd just visit for a month, move in without being invited, and he'd flee to work leaving me to deal with her 15 hours a day. And she was horrible little victim martyr that everyone was meeeeeeeeann to and she was always sobbing about something, always 'afraid' of something. He'd tell me she was weak so he had to be her crutch, and she'd been weak ever since their father left her for another woman--28 years before we got married. And if she was weak, he was weaker--because he was afraid of her disapproval and did whatever she wanted and bullied me to cater to her too. NEVER HAVE ANYTHING TO DO WITH A MOMMA'S BOY. Ever. Don't even take a risk. An alcoholic is more fun to live with. ANd their problems are so deeply seated in their psychology that they almost never get a clue. Don't do it. Don't. Oh and when his mother hit me in the face, he didn't say 'are you all right?" or "I'm so sorry." He said "she must have felt cornered. Just goes to show how neurotic she is." But that's just the way she is and I should just be the bigger person. I should just 'ignore it'. I took his advice and ignored her. And he went ballistic, I wasn't supposed to ignore her, I was only suppose to ignore her abuse, lies, tantrum, irrational demands, intrusion, interference and manipulations. But I should treat HER as though I loved and admired her. I didn't have to feel it, I just had to make her think I felt it. He thought he was a genius. He's 50 and living with his mommy and still doing everything she wants. Edited March 25, 2011 by Madgick1
depplover_1980 Posted March 25, 2011 Posted March 25, 2011 Agree with Joe. Madgick, I had an engagement end because of an interferring mother. Doesn't mean any man that cares about his mum his going to turn out the same. The OP has not been dating the guy 5 mins, he did the moral thing by taking his mum out.
SnowandStars Posted March 26, 2011 Posted March 26, 2011 He made pretty obvious hints and broad gestures directing you towards meeting up with him after his dinner with his mother. You're hung up on the semantics of the word 'canceled,' as opposed to, maybe, the word 'rescheduled' or 'modified,' so instead of being proactive yourself and responding positively to his signals, you chose to hang back and wait for him to chase you harder. Since you didn't pick up the ball and show him you're still interested in seeing him after his dinner with his mother, he figured you weren't up for going out and he made other plans. Not a big mysterious situation, and something you played a part in creating as well when you stonewalled him as he was fishing to see what you were doing after dinner. This makes absolutely no sense. What world are people living in? If I invited someone to do something and then had something else come up that would only postpone, not completely eliminate our plans, I would just say "Hey, something came up, do you think we can meet up a few hours later than planned?" After he "cancelled," they continued to chat for 2 hours before he brought up the fact that he'd be free later that day. It isn't like he made her aware that the dinner plans with his mother would not eliminate their chance to hang out from the get go. This does not sound obvious hints--it sounds like a lot of confusion.
Stung Posted March 26, 2011 Posted March 26, 2011 This makes absolutely no sense. What world are people living in? If I invited someone to do something and then had something else come up that would only postpone, not completely eliminate our plans, I would just say "Hey, something came up, do you think we can meet up a few hours later than planned?" After he "cancelled," they continued to chat for 2 hours before he brought up the fact that he'd be free later that day. It isn't like he made her aware that the dinner plans with his mother would not eliminate their chance to hang out from the get go. This does not sound obvious hints--it sounds like a lot of confusion. I live in a world where young men sometimes are well-meaning but not the best communicators, and where they sometimes forget about family dinners and then try to reschedule with their girlfriends without using the exact best possible phrasing. In this same world, they might be a little uncertain about approaching said girlfriend for a late-night reschedule, and so bring up the possibility without pushing for it, leaving it open for her to make her own decisions about while operating under the assumption that she will choose what's best for her like an adult. Unfortunately, in this same world, equally well-meaning young women sometimes get their feelings hurt when they feel deprioritized (even by somebody's mother) and they retreat into comfortable but unproductive patterns wherein they might try to get the male to chase them down, thereby providing validation of their value to him, instead of just saying what they want and what they need--thereby playing their own part in continuing a cycle of miscommunication and confusion. Why? Which world do you live in?
Author chelle21689 Posted March 26, 2011 Author Posted March 26, 2011 Yeah...I'm not saying he should choose his mom over me of course not. But he canceled and then made plans with our MUTUAL friend. Why would I make plans again if he canceled on me? I agree though..confusion not hints.
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