elaina Posted March 25, 2011 Posted March 25, 2011 And not to discount STD dating sites, I don't think I need to be pigeon-holed into a site specifically for that. I honestly do not understand why you would consider it being "pigeon-holed." Could you explain that? It is natural for people who do not have STDs to not want a relationship with a person who does. It may not be good or ideal, but it is natural. It's a means of self-preservation. As Fondue wrote, "I'm an RN, and even being a medical professional, unfortunately to me an STD is an STD. I don't think even I can overlook that... And I'm exposed to a lot of things at work. I don't mean to sound harsh, but that's the way I see it. " There are some guys and some girls who have a serious problem with it, and that doesn't mean they are bad or anything. It's just a way they naturally want to protect themselves. On dating sites for people with STD's, there is not this fear, because they have the STD in question, and they can support each other and they can understand and emphasize better than people who are not going through it. It is nothing to be ashamed of, and I do not see how STD dating sites are pigeon holes? I rather think it's admirable that they are upfront, not hiding it, and they are willing to tell people what they have and are willing to find someone who also has the disease. Again, there are wonderful people of both genders with herpes, and being on a herpes dating sites I don't see as being pigeon holed, but rather a means to avoid people who have serious issues with it, which is a risk you will run in meeting people on other dating sites and then telling them about it. Not until other people have no fear of dating people with STDs will that risk change. So, could you please explain why STD dating sites are being "pigeon holed"? Thanks.
D-Lish Posted March 25, 2011 Posted March 25, 2011 Honestly, you have every right to your opinion, but hearing things like this really does dishearten me. I'd like to be considered as a whole individual and what I have to offer, rather than just having something that 25% of the population has anyway. I'd like to think that love would overcome something as trivial as herpes. Panda, once again you're letting the H rule your dating interactions. Meet him first, go from there. Find out if you even like one another first before stressing yourself out. You only have an obligation to tell him about it if things get to the point of a sexual relationship.... And you haven't even had one date with this guy yet. Have your first date, then revisit the issue as needed. Going out with a dude for dinner without disclosing you have herpes doesn't mean anything- it's not as if it's going to jump out of your pants onto his water glass:p If you meet the dude and want to see one another again, then you can start to think about this. You let your herpes rule your life too much honey!
Author pandagirl Posted March 25, 2011 Author Posted March 25, 2011 I honestly do not understand why you would consider it being "pigeon-holed." Could you explain that? It is natural for people who do not have STDs to not want a relationship with a person who does. It may not be good or ideal, but it is natural. It's a means of self-preservation. As Fondue wrote, "I'm an RN, and even being a medical professional, unfortunately to me an STD is an STD. I don't think even I can overlook that... And I'm exposed to a lot of things at work. I don't mean to sound harsh, but that's the way I see it. " There are some guys and some girls who have a serious problem with it, and that doesn't mean they are bad or anything. It's just a way they naturally want to protect themselves. On dating sites for people with STD's, there is not this fear, because they have the STD in question, and they can support each other and they can understand and emphasize better than people who are not going through it. It is nothing to be ashamed of, and I do not see how STD dating sites are pigeon holes? I rather think it's admirable that they are upfront, not hiding it, and they are willing to tell people what they have and are willing to find someone who also has the disease. Again, there are wonderful people of both genders with herpes, and being on a herpes dating sites I don't see as being pigeon holed, but rather a means to avoid people who have serious issues with it, which is a risk you will run in meeting people on other dating sites and then telling them about it. Not until other people have no fear of dating people with STDs will that risk change. So, could you please explain why STD dating sites are being "pigeon holed"? Thanks. I want to be able to meet as many people as I want to find that special person to have a relationship with. Limiting myself to less than 25% of the population seems like I'd be passing up a lot of people that could be that person. My last serious relationship was with someone I met online. I told him about it on our first date, because there was loads of chemistry. He just told me that he wanted to be with me, and that we'd deal with it. We fell in love with each other. Yeah, we broke up, but it wasn't because of herpes. And if I was on an std-only site, I would have never met him.
elaina Posted March 25, 2011 Posted March 25, 2011 I just wanted to add that personally, I would have no problem dating a guy with herpes, especially if he told me upfront. I would respect that and if I liked his personality, appearance, talents, all that makes him HIM, I would also accept herpes (or if he had cancer or diabetes or other diseases.) However, I would have a very hard time dating someone with Aids/HIV... I would be too scared, at least right now. Everyone has their limits, and I am ashamed to say it that but I am too afraid of AIDs though I understand that the people who have it are not less worthy of relationships. Maybe that's something I need to grow in as a person, to not be so afraid of a disease like that that I overlook the person.
elaina Posted March 25, 2011 Posted March 25, 2011 I want to be able to meet as many people as I want to find that special person to have a relationship with. Limiting myself to less than 25% of the population seems like I'd be passing up a lot of people that could be that person. Ok, I understand that. However, do you think that it's possible the special person could be on a STD dating site? My last serious relationship was with someone I met online. I told him about it on our first date, because there was loads of chemistry. He just told me that he wanted to be with me, and that we'd deal with it. We fell in love with each other. Awesome! I personally have no problem with a guy with herpes, though I most definitely would want to know before things got really serious, but yes others have good advice to not to tell on the first date if he doesn't already know. I would think though that already knowing and already being accepted would ease the fear and apprehension of telling, right? It is admirable that you told this guy on the first date, but I don't think you have to do that with everyone. I do really wish it wasn't a thing to be feared, and that some people did not have this dealbreaker. That would make it less stressful. Yeah, we broke up, but it wasn't because of herpes. And if I was on an std-only site, I would have never met him.Good point. Ok yeah I see what you mean now.
Lilmisus Posted March 25, 2011 Posted March 25, 2011 After reading what different people said and thinking about it, I think I change my stance and agree with the vast majority here. The way I see it is this: it could be a deal breaker for him, yes, but how many people really tell their "bad" qualities before or during the first couple of dates? A huge deal breaker for me is no drugs at all. For some people it's marriage, or if the person has kids, or drinks, or different religious values. Until you even know if you like him or anyone else well enough, then you don't have to tell him anything, as long as you don't sleep with him beforehand (which I know you wouldn't do). I know that if I was absolutely crazy about someone and found out after I grew feelings for them that they used to do some drugs or currently smokes weed, I would see it in a different light than if I found out at the beginning and made the decision then. Hopefully you can find someone who will choose to see you in a different light when you feel comfortable enough to tell them.
alexlakeman Posted March 25, 2011 Posted March 25, 2011 As everyone said NOT on the first date; you don't even know if it will make it to a second date...As a guy I want to know asap, but unfortunately, that will burn any chance you might have.. My real life example... ex gf and I started dating, 2-3 wks, had protected sex one time, I told her if we are exclusive let's get our std's... she came back with herpes :sick::sick: .. I believe her that she honestly didn't know, as she had just gotten divorced a year ago and had slept with a 2-3 guys... so she didn't know which one could've given it to her.. bottom line I read up on it, seriously entertained dumping her a)s.. but in the end we stayed together, no regrets.. So it could still work out
Author pandagirl Posted March 25, 2011 Author Posted March 25, 2011 You let your herpes rule your life too much honey! Ugh, I know, D! I make it into a bigger deal than it really is... basically because I somehow want to protect myself against rejection. I just expect the worst, so I always plan for it. Awesome! I personally have no problem with a guy with herpes, though I most definitely would want to know before things got really serious, but yes others have good advice to not to tell on the first date if he doesn't already know. I would think though that already knowing and already being accepted would ease the fear and apprehension of telling, right? It is admirable that you told this guy on the first date, but I don't think you have to do that with everyone. I do really wish it wasn't a thing to be feared, and that some people did not have this dealbreaker. That would make it less stressful. You seem like a thoughtful and open-minded person. Hopefully you can find someone who will choose to see you in a different light when you feel comfortable enough to tell them. This is all I really want.
Eeyore79 Posted March 25, 2011 Posted March 25, 2011 I think herpes is one of those things which provokes a kneejerk response in a lot of people. They hear "herpes" and think "Omg, painful incurable STD" and run away. I have known people with herpes and it really didn't affect them that much. My ex had it, and he only ever had two outbreaks in the dozen or so years he had it. On the other hand, people with facial herpes usually have much more regular outbreaks, but rarely think it's important to tell people before they kiss. Often you don't find out you're dating someone with facial herpes until they get sores, and even then most people won't bat an eyelid. I don't think you should throw your herpes at someone until you know them a little and are sure you're heading for a relationship. It seems like you're so scared of being rejected that you want to tell everyone immediately to get it over with, but if you tell someone who doesn't yet know you or have any feelings for you, they will leave. Give him a chance to get to know you a little before you hit him with this, and don't make such a big deal out of it - a lot of people have some sort of STD or another illness.
Kamille Posted March 25, 2011 Posted March 25, 2011 (edited) Everyone has covered every angle. I agree with D-Lish that you're letting herpes rule your life I agree with Brainygirl and Zengirl that most people probably answer no to the STD question as a knee-jerk reaction. Hell, if I was filling out a profile, I would probably answer no to that question, for the simple reason that the category STD sure includes a lot of diseases. If the question was: would you date someone with herpes? I would probably answer yes. I know people who have herpes (who doesn't?) and they still marry, have kids, enjoy a full life. There's a huge difference between herpes and other STDs. Herpes inconveniences, it does not kill. So, stop stressing, do as you usually do and enjoy your date! Edited March 25, 2011 by Kamille
Girlygirl1977 Posted March 25, 2011 Posted March 25, 2011 I agree with others on here. It makes little sense to tell him before you meet even if he listed it as something which is a dealbreaker. At this point in time, it is very premature. You really don't know how you will feel about each other yet. So definitely wait till you meet and before you have sex (as you usually do). I also think you are now letting it dominate your dating as Dlish said. I do honestly think the last guy may have led to some of these feelings. Consider him irrelevant though my guess is he has had an effect. It seems some people on here posted they have dated people with herpes and you have had that experience so don't feel to negative about the outcome prematurely. Enjoy the first date!
Survivor12 Posted March 25, 2011 Posted March 25, 2011 After reading through some, but not all, of the points made in previous posts, I think that because he answered the question as he did, it would be best for BOTH of you to tell him now. It seems that so far you've been considering what's best for him which is nice, but what about how not telling him may affect you? If you don't tell him but go on the date and REALLY like the guy, it would be even harder to tell him later, right? Even if he would be open to reconsidering his answer, finding out later that (by ignoring it) you "misrepresented" yourself, he may have reservations about trusting you...and that may be more of a deal breaker than the HSV itself. Incidentally, my perspective has little to do with HSV specifically. As a smoker, I have dealt with similar situations. Although I do "cut back" when I am dating someone who is a non-smoker out of courtesy, I don't hide it and I would not begin dating someone who specifically has said that they were not interested in dating someone who smokes unless they were aware and open to the fact that I do. JMO
Art_Critic Posted March 25, 2011 Posted March 25, 2011 Don't say anything, those questions are random and I know I click through them pretty quickly without a lot of deep thought. Telling someone you have herpes on the first date qualifies as over sharing. Of course, have the conversation before you have sex with him. but don't stress out about it now. He may turn out to be a dud anyway. Listen to BG...
GivenUp0083 Posted March 25, 2011 Posted March 25, 2011 You're supposed to STAMP the word HERPES on your forehead when online dating actually....it's a rule.
zengirl Posted March 25, 2011 Posted March 25, 2011 After reading through some, but not all, of the points made in previous posts, I think that because he answered the question as he did, it would be best for BOTH of you to tell him now. It seems that so far you've been considering what's best for him which is nice, but what about how not telling him may affect you? If you don't tell him but go on the date and REALLY like the guy, it would be even harder to tell him later, right? Even if he would be open to reconsidering his answer, finding out later that (by ignoring it) you "misrepresented" yourself, he may have reservations about trusting you...and that may be more of a deal breaker than the HSV itself. Incidentally, my perspective has little to do with HSV specifically. As a smoker, I have dealt with similar situations. Although I do "cut back" when I am dating someone who is a non-smoker out of courtesy, I don't hide it and I would not begin dating someone who specifically has said that they were not interested in dating someone who smokes unless they were aware and open to the fact that I do. JMO Have you used OKC? If she misrepresents it on her profile, or he says something about it on his profile, I'd agree, but these questions aren't really something most people expect others to have even READ prior to the 1st date. It's not like he went out of his way to say it. I've answered thousands of these Match questions, and plenty of them are "Well, I guess this one," and I'd consider the STD one an "easy" one and just click "No." If the question said specifically herpes, and she happened to see it, I may think differently.
alphamale Posted March 25, 2011 Posted March 25, 2011 I agree with D-Lish that you're letting herpes rule your life compared to other diseases herpes is fairly innocuous...its really not a big deal
Kelemort Posted March 25, 2011 Posted March 25, 2011 Date him anyways. I think that when you establish exclusivity, it is time to tell him. Bring informational pamphlets with you about herpes to give to him. Discuss it with him. Maybe explain how you can prevent him from getting it. Given a choice, I wouldn't date someone with an STD if I knew about it from the get-go either. But at that point, the relationship's so shallow that it's at no loss to you. If I were dating someone and I discovered later on that they had an STD, I'd probably do what I could to prevent myself from getting it. We'd get STD testing together (to screen for any other diseases) and then maybe talk to some physicians to make sure both partners are educated about how to prevent the other partner from getting it. Don't tell him right now. Go out on your date and have a good time. Get to know him. If it gets further (to the point of exclusivity), I think then is the time to share. Something along the lines of: "I understand you may be upset with me because I didn't share this with you earlier on, but I know that right now is the time to be honest and forthcoming with you." Let him know. Give him the pamphlets. Ask him if he has any questions you can address about it. Offer to get other STD screening or speak to a physician together. But DO NOT Do this on the first date. Absolutely before any sexual contact comes up, though.
Mr.Cairo Posted March 25, 2011 Posted March 25, 2011 So, I have a date set up for this weekend off of OKCupid. He seems really nice, and I was looking forward to it. Even though I have been chatting with him for a bit, I just now looked at how he answered the "match" questions. One of the questions was: "Would you date someone with a STD?" And he answered, "No." UGH. For those of you unfamiliar with me, I have herpes. I always tell people, but now that I've seen how he's answered this question, do I need to tell him prior to the date? Tell him on the first date? Help? Trade positions with this man. Would you like to be in that situation, going out on a date with a person not knowing that a LIFELONG STD was present? Woah. Reading these comments I don't know why I care so much about my sexual health when people seem to be so indifferent to a std, lets not even talk about how it is a std - not something that is good for you - just that compared to other stds this one is relatively harmless. And we expect teenagers to have safe sex when the adults don't care about something that can cause a crap load of problems. Jesus, I wonder if one day another std, more serious than HPV is going to appear. What then? 'Hey susan, I know that you might develop cervix cancer, but don't worry, std number 1234 is far more dangerous. You shouldn't let the fear of catching a std - or spread it - ruin your sex life.' Damn
Mr.Cairo Posted March 25, 2011 Posted March 25, 2011 After reading what different people said and thinking about it, I think I change my stance and agree with the vast majority here. The way I see it is this: it could be a deal breaker for him, yes, but how many people really tell their "bad" qualities before or during the first couple of dates? A huge deal breaker for me is no drugs at all. For some people it's marriage, or if the person has kids, or drinks, or different religious values. Until you even know if you like him or anyone else well enough, then you don't have to tell him anything, as long as you don't sleep with him beforehand (which I know you wouldn't do). I know that if I was absolutely crazy about someone and found out after I grew feelings for them that they used to do some drugs or currently smokes weed, I would see it in a different light than if I found out at the beginning and made the decision then. Hopefully you can find someone who will choose to see you in a different light when you feel comfortable enough to tell them. What? A bad quality? A bad quality is being lazy with your your showering etiquette or how you fart after eating. A SEXUALLY TRANSMITTED DISEASE is not a bad quality, it's an enormous problem for the people involved in all of this. Jesus Christ. You are comparing marriage to a std? You can get a divorce but good luck in getting rid of something that not even the brightest of scientists can, but what do I know, the oral cancers amongst the young are on the rise due to all the unprotected sex and the fact that people with stds keep on having sexually active lives, but lets keep on doing it. What is a little oral cancer or a little prostrate cancer, or a little blindness(some studies suggest that herpes might lead to blindness), right? I'd expect more of the forum's veterans, really.
Author pandagirl Posted March 25, 2011 Author Posted March 25, 2011 What? A bad quality? A bad quality is being lazy with your your showering etiquette or how you fart after eating. A SEXUALLY TRANSMITTED DISEASE is not a bad quality, it's an enormous problem for the people involved in all of this. Jesus Christ. You are comparing marriage to a std? You can get a divorce but good luck in getting rid of something that not even the brightest of scientists can, but what do I know, the oral cancers amongst the young are on the rise due to all the unprotected sex and the fact that people with stds keep on having sexually active lives, but lets keep on doing it. What is a little oral cancer or a little prostrate cancer, or a little blindness(some studies suggest that herpes might lead to blindness), right? I'd expect more of the forum's veterans, really. Calm down.
Mr.Cairo Posted March 25, 2011 Posted March 25, 2011 Calm down. I just expected more. I'm disappointed.
kalikula Posted March 26, 2011 Posted March 26, 2011 I think Mr. Cairo is overreacting. Is pandagirl's date somehow going to magically catch herpes while they eat dinner together? Um, no. Does she have an obligation to tell him before they sleep together? Absolutely, but she doesn't need to tell him until there's any reason to, a first date is extremely premature. It's not like he's going to get it while they're talking or something.
gaius Posted March 26, 2011 Posted March 26, 2011 As much as people would like to pretend it's no big deal, to a lot of people that aren't infected it is. You shouldn't bring it up on the first date as it would make you seem very insecure, but you shouldn't wait much past the second either. If after a few dates it seems like you get along well and you might want to take it to the next level tell him, give him the respect of letting him decide for himself if he wants to continue the relationship or not. Don't try and manipulate him into changing his views by waiting until he's already fairly attached or you're about to sleep together.
Author pandagirl Posted March 26, 2011 Author Posted March 26, 2011 As much as people would like to pretend it's no big deal, to a lot of people that aren't infected it is. You shouldn't bring it up on the first date as it would make you seem very insecure, but you shouldn't wait much past the second either. If after a few dates it seems like you get along well and you might want to take it to the next level tell him, give him the respect of letting him decide for himself if he wants to continue the relationship or not. Don't try and manipulate him into changing his views by waiting until he's already fairly attached or you're about to sleep together. If you actually read this thread, you will have seen that I have done this before, and I do tell men I date that I have it before we ever have sex.
whichwayisup Posted March 26, 2011 Posted March 26, 2011 So, I have a date set up for this weekend off of OKCupid. He seems really nice, and I was looking forward to it. Even though I have been chatting with him for a bit, I just now looked at how he answered the "match" questions. One of the questions was: "Would you date someone with a STD?" And he answered, "No." UGH. For those of you unfamiliar with me, I have herpes. I always tell people, but now that I've seen how he's answered this question, do I need to tell him prior to the date? Tell him on the first date? Help? Nope, don't say a word. After your date just give him the line "thanks had a good time but I think we'd be better off as buddy's" or whatever line you happen to use. No need to tell him anything. Unless you happen to totally click with him, then tell him. Possibly...
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