pandagirl Posted March 25, 2011 Posted March 25, 2011 So, I have a date set up for this weekend off of OKCupid. He seems really nice, and I was looking forward to it. Even though I have been chatting with him for a bit, I just now looked at how he answered the "match" questions. One of the questions was: "Would you date someone with a STD?" And he answered, "No." UGH. For those of you unfamiliar with me, I have herpes. I always tell people, but now that I've seen how he's answered this question, do I need to tell him prior to the date? Tell him on the first date? Help?
brainygirl Posted March 25, 2011 Posted March 25, 2011 Don't say anything, those questions are random and I know I click through them pretty quickly without a lot of deep thought. Telling someone you have herpes on the first date qualifies as over sharing. Of course, have the conversation before you have sex with him. but don't stress out about it now. He may turn out to be a dud anyway.
alphamale Posted March 25, 2011 Posted March 25, 2011 Tell him on the first date? no, you don't release medical **** on the first date, its a buzz kill
Lilmisus Posted March 25, 2011 Posted March 25, 2011 Definitely be open and honest with him about it. I know it must suck always having to be in this position especially since so many people think so poorly of those with an STD and don't give them a second chance after finding out. But I think that you should do both of you a favor and tell him before going out. Don't just cancel the date, but tell him how you were looking at his answers since you were excited to go out with him and you noticed that it was pretty much a deal breaker for him not to date someone with an STD. I'm sure he'll appreciate it more than if you guys went out, he spent 50 bucks on dinner and then found out afterward after getting his hopes up. Hopefully though, he'll give you more of a chance after finding this out about you, if not, there's always next time. Good luck!
Author pandagirl Posted March 25, 2011 Author Posted March 25, 2011 Getting conflicting advice! Not helping! LOL.
Eddie Edirol Posted March 25, 2011 Posted March 25, 2011 You dont even know if you will be attracted to him when you meet him in person, you might not even ask for a second date. Dont worry about it until you get close to smooching.
brainygirl Posted March 25, 2011 Posted March 25, 2011 Getting conflicting advice! Not helping! LOL. Don't tell him before or on the first date. Size him up. Is he someone you see having a real relationship with? Is he someone you see having a sexual relationship with. When you get to the point that you think intimacy will happen, THEN sit down and have the STD discussion. Let him know that you are (I hope) undergoing treatment, and that you would never do anything so mean or risky as sleep with him when you are having an outbreak. IF you pop this info on him now, it will NOT GO WELL for you. Give the relationship a chance before you blow it with akward relvelations.
Knittress Posted March 25, 2011 Posted March 25, 2011 Agree with brainygirl! You are more than girl-with-herpes, so don't make that be your FIRST impression, k?
Imajerk17 Posted March 25, 2011 Posted March 25, 2011 You don't owe him an answer on this yet. Telling him would be TMI.
SmileFace Posted March 25, 2011 Posted March 25, 2011 You plan to sleep with him on the first date? Then no he does not need to know now.
Darren Taylor Posted March 25, 2011 Posted March 25, 2011 Not on the first date, but you will need to tell him before you guys sleep together so he can decide whether he wants to sleep with you or not. I know it's a crime if you have HIV/AIDS and sleep with someone without informing them of your sexual health. Not sure if that applies with other non-curable STDs.
carhill Posted March 25, 2011 Posted March 25, 2011 OP, glad to read you're dating My usual advice is to, if your style is to be sexual before becoming emotionally invested, discuss STD status before becoming sexual. Otherwise, discuss when you sense emotional intimacy and investment developing. Whatever you choose, to ease your anxiety, my advice would be to develop a 'style' of disclosure and stick with it. Your HSV status will never change, so dealing with this part of your life in a consistent and healthy (for you) manner should help your confidence and consistency in progressing relationships. I do not think you need to tell him now. Reassess after your first date, relevant to your disclosure style. Obviously, if you're a first date sex person, this advice would not apply. In that case, be up front at the point the date becomes sexual, if that is the progression. Good luck
elaina Posted March 25, 2011 Posted March 25, 2011 (edited) So, I have a date set up for this weekend off of OKCupid. He seems really nice, and I was looking forward to it. Even though I have been chatting with him for a bit, I just now looked at how he answered the "match" questions. One of the questions was: "Would you date someone with a STD?" And he answered, "No." UGH. For those of you unfamiliar with me, I have herpes. I always tell people, but now that I've seen how he's answered this question, do I need to tell him prior to the date? Tell him on the first date? Help? I would tell him, if I were you. I wouldn't WANT to tell him, but I would feel duty-bound to do so. As far as I know, I don't have a disease, but I personally would date a person I liked who told me upfront if he had a disease. I would be more upset if after I got to know and care and love a person if he told me then rather than upfront so I know. I like to know upfront. However, you need to do what you think is best. If you want to wait until after getting to know him better and after he gets to know you better, that's fine too I think, just make sure to tell him before sex, ok? Also, is there a dating site for people with herpes? There are a lot of people with herpes, and it would seem that there are wonderful guys with herpes too? Is there still stereotyping and stigma where people with herpes are too ashamed of it and have to hide it? Also, are you taking medicine? There is medicine that helps keep the symptoms down. My sister married a guy with herpes but he didn't tell her until after she got it. I was so MAD because really, he should have told her and he should have let her know and taken medicine and done his best to protect her from it. Anyways, now she is taking medicine, and yes I remember how heartbroke she was when she want to the doctor and found out, and then after she confronted her husband about it. (She found out when she was pregnant with their first child.) It was a really hard time for them. There are things one can do. Herpes is not the end of the world, and it is still possible to have a wonderful relationship even with this disease. Trust and respect and taking medicine (the medical field is amazing!!!) can help relationships survive this difficulty too. Edited March 25, 2011 by elaina
zengirl Posted March 25, 2011 Posted March 25, 2011 If you have chemistry, I'd tell him fairly soon, but pre-first-date is not required, nor sensible. Everyone's going to answer "No" on that question by kneejerk, I'd imagine. I do think you've got to tell someone upfront and pretty soon, but I don't believe you're duty bound to do it before you even meet them.
carhill Posted March 25, 2011 Posted March 25, 2011 Also, is there a dating site for people with herpes? Excellent suggestion HsvSingles is one such site.
elaina Posted March 25, 2011 Posted March 25, 2011 Excellent suggestion HsvSingles is one such site. Great Pandagirl, If it does work out with the guy that you're dating, that's AWESOME!!! Hopefully whenever he learns that you have herpes, that he will have the decency to get to know you for YOU! and not let any disease get in the way! People after all get diseases or in accidents after relationships start too. If it doesn't work out though, then it would be good to date a wonderful man who has the disease too. Because just like you are wonderful even though you have a disease, so there are wonderful guys with diseases too. Diseases do not make a person any less worthy for a wonderful relationship, and it is cool when people can be upfront and not feel/be ashamed of it, like people with Cancer or Diabetes...
Fondue Posted March 25, 2011 Posted March 25, 2011 I think Eliana is right, there's probably an online dating site for people with Herpes somewhere out there. And yah, just like she said, there are plenty of great people with the disease! As for your original question, as a guy, I think most of us would find it as buzzkill if you told us mid-date. That'd be kinda awkward. Prior to the date, it gives us a reason not to even see you at all (if it is a dealbreaker, that is), but waiting till intimacy may develop and telling them then... It might be a different story. Maybe by that time they developed some feelings for you and can overlook a few things and try to work with you, or they can be really insulted and hate you for not letting them know sooner before they got emotionally/financially/time invested. In the end, it's hard to win in this situation. Honestly. I'm really not trying to be a jerk here, but it's tough. If I was the guy, I would like to know a possible dealbreaker situation sooner than later. Preferably much sooner. Reason being is because I simply do not want to invest energy, emotion and money into something that to me, would not work out in the first place. I'm an RN, and even being a medical professional, unfortunately to me an STD is an STD. I don't think even I can overlook that... And I'm exposed to a lot of things at work. I don't mean to sound harsh, but that's the way I see it.
Author pandagirl Posted March 25, 2011 Author Posted March 25, 2011 Well, I've told a good number of guys about it -- that's not the issue. I obviously would tell him prior to sexual intimacy. I always have. In the past, I've told on the third date. And for the record, out of the five guys I'd told, none of them have had a problem with it. This is more about whether to tell him PRIOR to the first date, based on how he answered that question. And not to discount STD dating sites, I don't think I need to be pigeon-holed into a site specifically for that.
Author pandagirl Posted March 25, 2011 Author Posted March 25, 2011 I do not think you need to tell him now. Reassess after your first date, relevant to your disclosure style. Obviously, if you're a first date sex person, this advice would not apply. In that case, be up front at the point the date becomes sexual, if that is the progression. Good luck And for the record, I'm not and never have been a first date sex person. I don't have sex with anyone unless I feel there is potential for a relationship.
bac Posted March 25, 2011 Posted March 25, 2011 "Would you date someone with a STD?" And he answered, "No." UGH. For those of you unfamiliar with me, I have herpes. I always tell people, but now that I've seen how he's answered this question, do I need to tell him prior to the date? Tell him on the first date? Help? Use your intelligence and common sense. Educate yourself/ask your doctor on STDs to know the ways how people can get them and differences about STDs for genders. The chance that a male gets STD is very small and outcomes for males are very very small. But, for females it is just opposite. As for STDs, they are very different. The herpes is latent infection which many patients do not even know that they have it during their life time. The HIV is letal infection which kills all patients in about 8 yrs and also during several last years of their life they are very very sick and miserable. Also, it is much easier to get HIV than to get herpes during intercourse.
Dust Posted March 25, 2011 Posted March 25, 2011 And for the record, I'm not and never have been a first date sex person. I don't have sex with anyone unless I feel there is potential for a relationship. I've felt the potential just by looking at some girls.
Author pandagirl Posted March 25, 2011 Author Posted March 25, 2011 If I was the guy, I would like to know a possible dealbreaker situation sooner than later. Preferably much sooner. Reason being is because I simply do not want to invest energy, emotion and money into something that to me, would not work out in the first place. I'm an RN, and even being a medical professional, unfortunately to me an STD is an STD. I don't think even I can overlook that... And I'm exposed to a lot of things at work. I don't mean to sound harsh, but that's the way I see it. Honestly, you have every right to your opinion, but hearing things like this really does dishearten me. I'd like to be considered as a whole individual and what I have to offer, rather than just having something that 25% of the population has anyway. I'd like to think that love would overcome something as trivial as herpes.
Fondue Posted March 25, 2011 Posted March 25, 2011 Honestly, you have every right to your opinion, but hearing things like this really does dishearten me. I'd like to be considered as a whole individual and what I have to offer, rather than just having something that 25% of the population has anyway. I'd like to think that love would overcome something as trivial as herpes. I really do apologize for making you feel worse. I do understand how you might feel, honestly. But you know, you're a strong person to be able to come and say it to people not knowing what their reaction may be. I can admire that. But still, yah. Unfortunately for me it is a dealbreaker for sexual relationship. But we can still be friends! !
Dust Posted March 25, 2011 Posted March 25, 2011 Honestly, you have every right to your opinion, but hearing things like this really does dishearten me. I'd like to be considered as a whole individual and what I have to offer, rather than just having something that 25% of the population has anyway. I'd like to think that love would overcome something as trivial as herpes. and there lies your problem. He's not in love, he's just making statements with no emotion. only in the situation could he give his honest answer.
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