alexandria35 Posted March 26, 2011 Posted March 26, 2011 I'm blown away that you would have this convicted sex offender in your home with your child. You say he assaulted a "girl" 30 yrs younger than him. So how old was his victim exactly? To make it worse, this guy hasn't even changed! He's just a dry drunk. Sits at home on his ass while he sponges off of you, whines about his hard life and takes no responsiblity for the pain and suffering he has caused others. Just feels sorry for himself. I can't understand why you would let him use you this way. Doesn't sound like he's trying to hard to find employment, but what if he does find a high paying job? Then he will just become full of himself again and resort to his old ways. He's kissing your ass now (well not really, I would expect to see a lot more effort in a good ass kissing attempt) because you're his only hope right now. I understand why your family is sick of it and sick of you putting up with it. Is this pathetic man really worth destroying your family relationships over? I think you need professional help as much as your husband needs it. I don't mean that in a nasty way, but there is something really unhealthy in you that keeps you hanging on to such a toxic and unhealthy relationship. If he resorts to his old habits, and I think his current habits are bad enough, but if he goes back to his old ways of behaving you are going to feel worse than ever for giving him yet another opportunity to tear out your heart and stomp on it. Please really think about this because I'm afraid this guy could drive you right over the edge.
BB07 Posted March 26, 2011 Posted March 26, 2011 I am pro marriage as well, but in this situation, there is such an uhealthy dynamic going on and this ex Cop is not in a good place at all. Until he gets his life back on track, he needs to stand on his own two feet and fix himself. If he is unwilling and thinks he can have girls on the side, drink and party it up, that is not good for his daughter to see! I think you have the best intentions in the world with your kind helping advice, yeah sometimes you might drag out a 2x4 but if you do, it's deserved. This thread tears me up.......I just have such a sick feeling about that man that Pitts is married too. She desperately needs to get him out of the house and protect her daughter, he is dangerous. I feel it in my bones.
whichwayisup Posted March 26, 2011 Posted March 26, 2011 I think you have the best intentions in the world with your kind helping advice, yeah sometimes you might drag out a 2x4 but if you do, it's deserved. This thread tears me up.......I just have such a sick feeling about that man that Pitts is married too. She desperately needs to get him out of the house and protect her daughter, he is dangerous. I feel it in my bones. ((BB)) I can tell this thread is setting you off.. I'm sorry for all that you went through in the past. Pitts, please listen to BB and those who are advising you to get out now. You have to protect your daughter. Her mental health, her safety HAS to be number one, over you and what you feel about your H. He is not well, he's in a bad place.. He needs professional help.
26pointblue Posted March 26, 2011 Posted March 26, 2011 BB07: I think all of your responses to the OP are so helpful. Maybe it IS why you're on this forum. I don't your history but for someone to make it through all of that is amazing. You are amazing! I'm soi glad you're here to help Pitts. I don't think this is an OW or BS issue. This is an issue of extreme abuse & one human being using another human being because he is sick & twisted. If your father was like that & you are here posting this advice today, GOOD FOR YOU! What eventually happened- did your mom forever stay with your dad?
26pointblue Posted March 26, 2011 Posted March 26, 2011 I'm blown away that you would have this convicted sex offender in your home with your child. You say he assaulted a "girl" 30 yrs younger than him. So how old was his victim exactly? To make it worse, this guy hasn't even changed! He's just a dry drunk. Sits at home on his ass while he sponges off of you, whines about his hard life and takes no responsiblity for the pain and suffering he has caused others. Just feels sorry for himself. I can't understand why you would let him use you this way. Doesn't sound like he's trying to hard to find employment, but what if he does find a high paying job? Then he will just become full of himself again and resort to his old ways. He's kissing your ass now (well not really, I would expect to see a lot more effort in a good ass kissing attempt) because you're his only hope right now. I understand why your family is sick of it and sick of you putting up with it. Is this pathetic man really worth destroying your family relationships over? I think you need professional help as much as your husband needs it. I don't mean that in a nasty way, but there is something really unhealthy in you that keeps you hanging on to such a toxic and unhealthy relationship. If he resorts to his old habits, and I think his current habits are bad enough, but if he goes back to his old ways of behaving you are going to feel worse than ever for giving him yet another opportunity to tear out your heart and stomp on it. Please really think about this because I'm afraid this guy could drive you right over the edge. I agree! Pitts is the total definition of a co-dependent. Except that she is questioning it & seeking to leave, which is a step in the right direction. And the youngest age of consent I know in any state [assuming they're in the States . . . it sounds like it but I don't want to assume . . . Is 16. So this 'girl' is either 16, 17 , or 18, & in any event a teenager & 30 years younger than him! That's just gross!! Who could excuse that, even in the name of 'marriage'?? I cannot believe it. I am hoping to find out that this thread is another 'troll' one like the Hank thread. If not, please, Pitts, get help & get out, & anyone encouraging her to stay with this 'man' after all of this is just as sick!!!
White Flower Posted March 26, 2011 Posted March 26, 2011 Pitts, have you monitored what he's looking at on the computer?
Author Pitts Posted March 26, 2011 Author Posted March 26, 2011 BB--maybe you are here for a reason. Maybe you do understand what is happening here. Everyone else. My husband was 50 at the time of his crime. The girl was 20. She was above legal age. the crime is disgusting to think of. He was of course drunk. According to him he drank a fifth of vodka and doesn't remember what happened. According to the criminal complaint he cornered her at an establishment where she was working and did horrible things to her....up to masturbating on her while she protested while he sucked on her fingers an talked dirty. He says he dosent remember any of it. He has a alhohal problem. He was sentenced to sex offender therapy. He almost got kicked out of therapy because he says he doenst have a sex problem....he has an addiction to drinking. He has been working the steps but will not own up to anything but an alchohal addiction. He is very frustratied that no one believes he is not a sex offender. No matter what, he no longer is the drunk that I am used to passed out on the couch or berating me. But i do wonder if he is playing the game, getting me complacent until I let my guard down and he finds another. He always finds somone.
BB07 Posted March 26, 2011 Posted March 26, 2011 BB07: I think all of your responses to the OP are so helpful. Maybe it IS why you're on this forum. I don't your history but for someone to make it through all of that is amazing. You are amazing! I'm soi glad you're here to help Pitts. I don't think this is an OW or BS issue. This is an issue of extreme abuse & one human being using another human being because he is sick & twisted. If your father was like that & you are here posting this advice today, GOOD FOR YOU! What eventually happened- did your mom forever stay with your dad? I don't know how to respond but thank you. You are right it's not an OW or BS issue, it is an abuse, alcoholic issue and I think those that are encouraging her to stay in this marriage have no understanding of those things. Pitts is probably a co dependent because of what she has endured. I'm afraid there are a lot more skeletons in his closet that she knows of and I'm also afraid that those skeletons are much worse than what she knows. Pitts is a grown woman and I hope she gets help and gets back her self esteem and stops blaming herself but.......she has a DAUGHTER to protect from HIM and that must be her priority. I hope and pray that she can see that this man is very, very sick and twisted......I so see the signs and he is very dangerous. Please read some or all of these links Pitts..... http://www.abusefacts.com/abuse/emotional.php http://www.abusefacts.com/ http://www.lilaclane.com/relationships/emotional-abuse/ http://www.thisisawar.com/AbuseEmotional.htm
BB07 Posted March 26, 2011 Posted March 26, 2011 BB--maybe you are here for a reason. Maybe you do understand what is happening here. Everyone else. My husband was 50 at the time of his crime. The girl was 20. She was above legal age. the crime is disgusting to think of. He was of course drunk. According to him he drank a fifth of vodka and doesn't remember what happened. According to the criminal complaint he cornered her at an establishment where she was working and did horrible things to her....up to masturbating on her while she protested while he sucked on her fingers an talked dirty. He says he dosent remember any of it. He has a alhohal problem. He was sentenced to sex offender therapy. He almost got kicked out of therapy because he says he doenst have a sex problem....he has an addiction to drinking. He has been working the steps but will not own up to anything but an alchohal addiction. He is very frustratied that no one believes he is not a sex offender. No matter what, he no longer is the drunk that I am used to passed out on the couch or berating me. But i do wonder if he is playing the game, getting me complacent until I let my guard down and he finds another. He always finds somone. Pitts......what you described that he done to this young woman is so sick and he was supposed to be cop.....I think I'm going to go puke. Pitts......him saying he was drunk and doesn't remember it is probably bull****e, but OK, let's go with it being true, just for a few minutes. If he is so out of control that he could do that terrible thing and not remember it, what would stop him from hurting you or hurting your daughter. If he can't remember what he does.....he is even more dangerous pitts. What's to stop him from attacking your daughter one night and saying......oh I was drunk and I don't remember. You think I'm being far fetched here don't you? Wrong.......it's not a stretch at all. Your asshat of a husband is NOT accepting responsibility for his crime from what you've told us and until addicts accept responsibility they are not in the process of recovery. Do you know that often addicts have more than one addiction, well you know he is an alcoholic and you think he is sex addict, so what else is in that closet? There is something else in that closet, I'd bet on it and don't kid yourself, it's worse than what you know about. As white flower suggested, put a key logger on that computer. Start taking steps to have the legal reasons to get him out of your house. You WILL find them if you look. I bet you will find some nasty, depraved sick unimaginable porn on there and I bet it involves young girls. Check and see pitts.......so you'll finally see why your family and most here are telling you he is very, very bad. Start doing the things you need to do to protect yourself and your daughter.
alexandria35 Posted March 26, 2011 Posted March 26, 2011 I hear you BB. That is what many of my friends and family said as they left me....my daughter has dealt with fallout, since this made the news and her classmates and neighbors know about his crime. She has also dealt with his probation officer coming to the house. I really don't think he would ever physically harm her. He adores her, if anything he neglected her for his girlfriends and internet. She worships the ground he walks on. She was so upset when he left. She was the main reason I let him back. She wanted us together. She wanted me to stop crying. He has talked to her about the danger of drinking, and his "mistake". IDK! I do love him, the memory of who he was when we met. I blamealot on me. I ignored him, I got up to close to 300 pounds. I stopped having sex with him after his girlfriend (not the one he left me for, the one before) showed up at my house. I wouldn't touch him. But he never did try either. Pitts your daughter may have wanted him to come back but please realize that she doesn't know any better. I didn't know how screwed up my parents were when I was 12 either. The life they showed me was the only life I knew and I didn't know it was wrong. Even if your husband never physically harms your daughter please consider the fact that you are modelling a horrible example for her and her future relationships. How will she know that a man who says he loves her isn't supposed to use her and break her heart when that is all she has seen between you and her father. Oh I'm sure you will tell her that she deserves better and she should never put up with crap from any man, but I'm sorry to say that doesn't work. We can talk to our kids about what's best for them till we are blue in the face and they will still follow our example over our words everytime. She will grow up and the first time she falls head over heels in love it will be with the man that is as horrible to her as your husband has been to you or damn close to it. I would bet money on this as to her love is supposed to be a drama filled, angst ridden nightmare, that is what will feel normal to her.
BB07 Posted March 26, 2011 Posted March 26, 2011 Pitts, here is a link that I really hope that you read. http://drjoecarver.makeswebsites.com/clients/49355/File/love_and_stockholm_syndrome.html I think it will help you understand why you are having such difficulty getting out of this destructive relationship. I have not been in the exact situation that you are in but I do have a past history of two abusive relationships in my life. Also please come back and post and I know you probably feel that now a bunch of strangers on the internet have ganged up on you, along with your family and friends but please at least consider the possibility that we sincerely want to help you. Again, please read the link. Hugs.......
summerdowling87 Posted March 26, 2011 Posted March 26, 2011 I'm sorry to hear what you through, and have gone through but here's my advice as a daughter and. Sister of alcoholics I've seen my oldest brother to and say some crazy things to his wife even put his hands on here (more than once) say F-up things to her. I'll never forget. He did the same to his ex-gf mother of his son. I miss my father dearly but thank god my mother left him after abuse and, drinking and drug abuser and. Who knows what’s eals. I would say he needs to do these things. 1. Some sort of rehab for his drinking. 2. Angermagment classes or treatment. 3. Get IC Lastly he should work any job he can no matter if it cleaning up pop or ding dishes real man do any and, everything to take care of their family.He needs to admit his issues and that he has a problem. Nothing will change if he doesn’t (believe me).
lovingwhatis Posted March 26, 2011 Posted March 26, 2011 ((pittsand bb)) This thread is tearing me up too! Pitts, your situation sounds so co dependent! You gotta stop, for your sake, daughter's sake, his sake. You are running yourself into the ground by thinking you are providing your daughter with what she needs, all the while not letting him hit bottom, out of a very misguided belief! Drop the belief and you'll be able to move, you've been incapacitated by our own thoughts and feelings. This is not about him, it is about you. Please, please, sit down with yourself and a therapist an look in the mirror. Im not bashing you, just pointing out that this self prison is killing you and dragging your daughter too. Disregard her pleading, she is already with distorted view of what parental love is. Im sorry. Act now! Hugs! I think you have the best intentions in the world with your kind helping advice, yeah sometimes you might drag out a 2x4 but if you do, it's deserved. This thread tears me up.......I just have such a sick feeling about that man that Pitts is married too. She desperately needs to get him out of the house and protect her daughter, he is dangerous. I feel it in my bones.
Author Pitts Posted April 2, 2011 Author Posted April 2, 2011 (edited) I poseted this in the infidelity section but thought I would repost here, so that everyone could help me with my thoughts. Everyone here has been so harsh I almost dissappeared from posting, but then I thought, I have dissappeared from so much in my life--why should I banish myself from an anonomyous board full of people that would ever know me??? Why should I keep letting my husbands crimes against myself affect another part of my life/?? I don't know what kind of man he will turn out to be. It does seem that he hit rock bottom after his arrest and job loss. It seems like he does understand in some parts the gravity of his actions and wants to be here with us. I just don't think he ever would have become the person he is today if he didn't get drunk enough to commit a crime and get caught. I don't know nor will I ever know if he did the same things before and just did not get caught before. My fear is that he is only acting remourseful and wanting to be with me because there is nothing else left for him. BUT at the same time, I want to believe that what happened to him opened his eyes and made him see how great we are and what he would be missing if he wasn't here. I loved him for a long time ,before all of this, before our child, I loved him. Maybe this is what it took to bring our love full circle. Maybe this was the wakeup call he needed. Because he still blames everyone and everything else on his downfall maybe he resents his life. He still doesn't take responsibility. That is where the crux of the problem lies. If he would just admit to the wrongdoing and take full blame, without blaming his whores or the booze or his co workers. If he would just say for once he made the choices he is the screw up, I wouldn't be here questioning his commitment. I think his lack of responsibility is what makes me question everything. I like to drink too, but I never would blame the wine if I had sex with another man and/or committed a crime under the influence. Does he love me? Or is he just wanting the comfort of home? All the women he was with got pleasure of telling me how much he loved them, how they were planning their futures, where are they now...they bailed when he got arressted and here I am supporting him and his child. I am also pretty sure he has been sober for almost a year, but that was a condition I did put on him moving back into our house...no more drinking, our child had seen and heard enough of his drunk rants and behavior...he of course agreed, where else would he go. Edited April 2, 2011 by Pitts
BB07 Posted April 2, 2011 Posted April 2, 2011 Pitts.......I was thinking about you today and hoping that you'd come back. I also hoped you would tell us that you had made some decisions. I know some of the advice seemed harsh, probably mine also but I don't think you are seeing accurately the danger you and your child are in. No one has your answers for you Pitts......you have to be the one to figure it out but get some help with it, counseling or Al-Anon would be a good place to start. Alcoholics can do some terrible, terrible things Pitts and I feel very strongly that you are putting your child in danger. You and your child deserve better than this and you've got to ask yourself what is your breaking point? When is enough enough?
WorldIsYours Posted April 2, 2011 Posted April 2, 2011 At least one lesson can be learned from this: Never participate in infidelity with someone and get into a relationship with them. "They cheat with you they'll cheat on you.":o
Author Pitts Posted April 2, 2011 Author Posted April 2, 2011 Thanks BB you do seem so kind. I have tried alon and we both went to counseling, but he was always lying, how can you know when he is being truthful? The last poster, you really are harsh, but I don't care. i once was like you. I actually bragged that my husband left his first wife for me. I thought I was so special because i gave him a child. You must really be hurting and reveling in trying to inflict pain. Clue you in....you can't hurt me...I am numb. Nothing you can say will ever affectme. I am trying to figure out my life and my childs. I really think at this point he is not involved in anything shady. Possibly from the lack of any available outside stimulants. He really can't do anything without me knowing. He is sober and her partipating in life. The only fact is he is not accepting blame. Working through my thoughts will post more tomorrow.
WorldIsYours Posted April 2, 2011 Posted April 2, 2011 The last poster, you really are harsh, but I don't care. i once was like you. Okay.... I actually bragged that my husband left his first wife for me. And now look where you're at. He cheated on you and is disrespecting you. I thought I was so special because i gave him a child. Creating children doesn't stop one from cheating. You must really be hurting and reveling in trying to inflict pain. No I'm not hurting, nor was my intent to inflict pain. Clue you in....you can't hurt me...I am numb. Nothing you can say will ever affectme. Obviously you are affected in some way if you respond. This is an inevitable lesson you must learn if you ever wish to get out of the situation you are in now.
ChocCheesecake Posted April 2, 2011 Posted April 2, 2011 What kept popping into my head as I read your OP is that you must not think you deserve any better than this. Until you fix that, you'll keep letting him crawl back. Apparently, he knows this by now. Good luck to you. With him or without him, your situation is not ideal and I hope you find some peace.
BB07 Posted April 3, 2011 Posted April 3, 2011 Thanks BB you do seem so kind. I have tried alon and we both went to counseling, but he was always lying, how can you know when he is being truthful? The last poster, you really are harsh, but I don't care. i once was like you. I actually bragged that my husband left his first wife for me. I thought I was so special because i gave him a child. You must really be hurting and reveling in trying to inflict pain. Clue you in....you can't hurt me...I am numb. Nothing you can say will ever affectme. I am trying to figure out my life and my childs. I really think at this point he is not involved in anything shady. Possibly from the lack of any available outside stimulants. He really can't do anything without me knowing. He is sober and her partipating in life. The only fact is he is not accepting blame. Working through my thoughts will post more tomorrow. Pitts......was thinking about you again and had some new thoughts. I think you want us to tell you that he has reformed himself because you want so badly to believe it but the thing is.......it's HIGHLY unlikely because YOU know that he has not accepted responsibility for it. I'm sorry to say this Pitts........but how are you EVER going to have any peace of mind with this guy? Isn't it impossible to convince yourself that he is different now when he won't own up to what he has done to YOU? Right now it seems that you feel that the reasons he is behaving are because he doesn't have access, is that correct? Also........can you keep living your life waiting on the other shoe to drop? Please do some online reading about co-dependent relationships as I think that is part of the dynamic here.
BB07 Posted April 3, 2011 Posted April 3, 2011 Thanks BB you do seem so kind. I have tried alon and we both went to counseling, but he was always lying, how can you know when he is being truthful? Working through my thoughts will post more tomorrow. One more thing Pitts........in the above you said he is always lying. Until he stops the lying you will be always off balance, always waiting for something bad to happen. A person who always lies has not grasped the concept of being a whole, decent person and there isn't complete reform there, don't you think?
desertIslandCactus Posted April 3, 2011 Posted April 3, 2011 Hi Pitts, It's true that Important decisions are not made overnight. They are made with careful monitoring and thought in the situation. As others have warned, your most vulnerable in this would be your daughter.. Continue to be aware if there are any changes in her toward her father. And I'm in total agreement, that change will not happen in him until he will Take Responsibility and stop lying. If you read your posts Pit, you can see why an outsider would feel defensive for you in this. At this time, perhaps you don't even need to concern yourself wondering if he cares for you. You may not know unless he gets a job and feels more freedom. But for now, just know it's day to day.
Author Pitts Posted April 4, 2011 Author Posted April 4, 2011 Well, we talked about his employement status (or lack of) this weekend. I told him he needs to do something to contribute to the household besides watching our child while I work. He is going to talk to a friend of his about working part time at a resturant he manages, hopefully as a cook. I'm glad about that, but it will take him back into the same neighborhood where he used to work, and where he was always meeting women. I also worry that working in a resturant might compromise his sobriety....I guess he needs to start somewhere. He is still going to AA meetings but not the sex offender meetings that were mandated by court. He/we could no longer afford them and he was kicked out. (his probation officer is aware and told him he needs to find a way to pay for them)
phillyfan Posted April 4, 2011 Posted April 4, 2011 (edited) Sorry for the ramble....I just wanted opinions, i have lost family and friends over this. Do you think I'm crazy to give him another (probably his 5th) chance? Do you think the only reason he is heere is because he has no where else to go? No job, who would hire a sex offender? No money. No house. I think , I know that everyone thinks I am a joke. A doormat. What would you have done? In the back of the mind I think everyone is right, he is only here and behaving because I am a last resort, the chump that took him back. The ass who pays for everything in his life while he sits back and laughs at me. Dude, you gave ur own words of wisdom right there. U know the truth already. U sound rite on the money. So u know already the guy is not worth even ur pity let alone ur life. I have 2 versions of the future 4 u. 1) u stay with the dude, and a yr lata u r postin here sayin he is f**kin other women again, hes been arrested hes a drunk, i am so depressed, i put on all this weight cos im depressed, or 2) i left the loser a yr ago, and now i am lovin life, my new dude spoils me, hes a gent, were so happy, i look the best iv ever looked, i feel like a million dollars, but I cant belive I stayed so long with that idiot,I regret wastin all that time but hey at least i got my life bak a yr ago. Ur strong n butiful, use it n enjoy it or waste it. Choice is urs! And - just read u hav a daughter - my dad had a drinking problem and man dont let ur kid grow up around that. i know wat its like, i lovd my dad cos he was my dad, i didnt want him leavin - thats why ur kid cries about him leavin too cos she dont know any better. He is messin her up evry day tho, evry day, u need 2 get rid of him seriously, else u gotta take responsibility that u r givin her a blueprint of her future husband, an alcoholic guy who abuses young girls who is violent, who can always b forgiven no matta what. U dont want her goin thru that. I aint judgin just sayin ive been there it aint pretty. Edited April 4, 2011 by phillyfan
howcouldInotknow Posted April 5, 2011 Posted April 5, 2011 I am probably not the best person to ask but you should never say you don't believe in divorce. No one gets married hoping for a divorce. And it really irks me when people act like a husband or wife deserves unconditional love. They are not your child. Love you and your child first. My friend has a very similar situation. Her husband cheats, he is verbally abusive, doesn't work, and you know what he always comes back because she lets him and generally with you providing not too many women are going to do that so he will come back and behave until... Until what? People can change but in general I would say 85% do not.
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