Pitts Posted March 25, 2011 Posted March 25, 2011 I have been married for 15 years to a man who I met when he was married to someone else. He started cheating when our child was born about 12 years ago, maybe even before that. He has left and come back several times with promises to change. He was a police officer for many years and I ran the gamut of women showing up at my house, calling my home and work phone and e-mailing me all of their disgusting hurtful facts of their affairs. I kicked him out and he cried to come back, said he wouldn't be able to live without his child and me. I believed in him for a long time. He did move out almost two years ago right after chrismas and was with a woman that made my life hell for three years with their affair. She would make sure I always knew when he was with her and even had sex tapes of them that she kindly gave to me. He claimed he loved her and proceeded to spend time and money wining and dining her, going on trips and left me and my child in the dust. I do have to say he is/was an raving drunk. He would be incoherent and passed out all of the times and when he was awake he was very verbally and mentally abusive. We didn't have sex for years. While he was gone I had gastric bypass and loss alot of weight and began to feel better but never stopped loving him and I never beleived in divorce especially since we have a child. WAhile he was gone he also got involved with yet another woman while he was still with the one he left me for. His drinking , black outs and behavior caught up with him. He was arrested for sexually assulting a girl 30 years younger than him. He was convicted, got probation and lost his job as a cop. He promised to quit drinking, blamed it all on the booze and says he can't remember anything. He begged back, he started AA and has been sober for over a year. (I think). I let him back into the house a couple months after he got arrested. Sorry for the ramble....I just wanted opinions, i have lost family and friends over this. Do you think I'm crazy to give him another (probably his 5th) chance? Do you think the only reason he is heere is because he has no where else to go? No job, who would hire a sex offender? No money. No house. I think , I know that everyone thinks I am a joke. A doormat. What would you have done? In the back of the mind I think everyone is right, he is only here and behaving because I am a last resort, the chump that took him back. The ass who pays for everything in his life while he sits back and laughs at me.
desertIslandCactus Posted March 25, 2011 Posted March 25, 2011 Probably everyone is upset with you because they have suffered the burden for and with you. When my xhusband became sick, I would have taken care of him as well, had he asked. The hard part is to remember What you are dealing with - and try not to become too emotionally involved. I know how difficult this would be because after all he is your H, and you probably do reflect on the good times. I don't fault you at all, because afterall you are commited to him as your husband. I believe it was from your heart, and of God for you to take him in and take care of him. Just take care of yourself. If he becomes abusive - or cheats on you again - that's It.
BB07 Posted March 25, 2011 Posted March 25, 2011 Pitts...........welcome to LS. Your story is terribly sad and tragic but when reading it, a question kept coming to my mind. What qualities does your husband possess NOW that deserve your love and loyalty?
Author Pitts Posted March 25, 2011 Author Posted March 25, 2011 Good question BB. He is funny, he can be thoughtful. He loves his child, although he is still obssessed on his life, the computer, bemoaning the facts of the way his life turned out. He still blames everything on everyone else. The coworkers that screwed him over, the women who "ruined his life". He says he never stopped loving me and he promises that he changed. He begs for a chance to prove it. But still, he sits home everyday while I work to keep a roof over our head and food on our table. I get talked about for letting him in our house with out child. IDK, I loved him for a long time. I didn't have a lot of experience with other men. I know that his other women still talk trash on me/us. They call me a doormat and say the only reason he is back here is because they didn't want him anymore...I kinda of beleive it. Funny enough, I don't think we would be together if he didn't get arreseted and lose his job. He probably would still be out there screwing evey woman that he could and verbally blaming me for all of it. But, I do love him.
desertIslandCactus Posted March 25, 2011 Posted March 25, 2011 (edited) He is funny, he can be thoughtful. He loves his child, although he is still obssessed on his life, the computer, bemoaning the facts of the way his life turned out. He still blames everything on everyone else. The coworkers that screwed him over, the women who "ruined his life". He says he never stopped loving me and he promises that he changed. He begs for a chance to prove it. But still, he sits home everyday while I work to keep a roof over our head and food on our table. I get talked about for letting him in our house with out child. IDK, I loved him for a long time. I didn't have a lot of experience with other men. I know that his other women still talk trash on me/us. They call me a doormat and say the only reason he is back here is because they didn't want him anymore...I kinda of beleive it. Funny enough, I don't think we would be together if he didn't get arreseted and lose his job. He probably would still be out there screwing evey woman that he could and verbally blaming me for all of it. But, I do love him. Then take it little by little Pitts, and also do what you think is best for you, as well. Just because he has moved back in, nothing has to be set in stone. It can be temporary - or he may have to prove himself again: Your call - and while reviewing. Edited March 25, 2011 by desertIslandCactus
BB07 Posted March 25, 2011 Posted March 25, 2011 Good question BB. He is funny, he can be thoughtful. He loves his child, although he is still obssessed on his life, the computer, bemoaning the facts of the way his life turned out. He still blames everything on everyone else. The coworkers that screwed him over, the women who "ruined his life". He says he never stopped loving me and he promises that he changed. He begs for a chance to prove it. But still, he sits home everyday while I work to keep a roof over our head and food on our table. I get talked about for letting him in our house with out child. IDK, I loved him for a long time. I didn't have a lot of experience with other men. I know that his other women still talk trash on me/us. They call me a doormat and say the only reason he is back here is because they didn't want him anymore...I kinda of beleive it. Funny enough, I don't think we would be together if he didn't get arreseted and lose his job. He probably would still be out there screwing evey woman that he could and verbally blaming me for all of it. But, I do love him. Pitts........you named ONLY 3 things, one important one but the other two.......ummmm. You said he CAN be thoughtful, my interpretation of that is once in a while, is that right? Funny......you said, well lots of people are funny. From what you've said the only redeeming quality that is really important is he loves his child. So.........from reading what you've wrote so far, it sounds like he has abused you with his affairs and his drinking problems and took advantage of you and your good nature. Sounds like your marriage has been hell on earth and you've enabled him in ways. To me the outsider........you had very little good to say about him, and he sounds like a using POS who has treated you like a dog. I wouldn't think he deserves one more moment of kindness from you.
Emme Posted March 25, 2011 Posted March 25, 2011 Do you think I'm crazy to give him another (probably his 5th) chance? No you are not crazy. I actualy commend you for not giving up on your husband. Some folks would have cut and run a long time ago but you've been there. I think you have held onto your vows strongly.. You've had more bad times than good. With hope if he is willing to change you can have more good times in your life. Do you think the only reason he is heere is because he has no where else to go? Yes he is only with you because he has no where else to go. You are the only one willing to put up with his behavior. It doesn't make him a bad person because he has no where to go. He is still the father of your child and I would hope you'd like for him to at least be in a safe environment. No job, who would hire a sex offender? I am sure he will find a way, legally. He just has to get his abuse issues in check that's first. Second is finding employment no matter how much it pays. Wash dishes if he has to. Just get himself in a routine to where a bottle won't call his name if he has time to sink into a depression. Make your terms now... You will not cater to his needs. He has to support himself and also help with the bills. No free ride. Give him 3 months if he doesn't have a job now and when I say any, I mean any... "May I take your order please" Any Job! If he doesn't comply he has to leave. Call up his parents and tell them in advance what your plans are and you're serious about it. What would you have done? I would help him in anyway possible. He is the father of your child and that is another factor in wanting to see him suceed. Every child needs a father no matter what. I don't care about people who say no you don't, every child does.
freestyle Posted March 25, 2011 Posted March 25, 2011 I don't think anyone deserves to be treated the way he's treated you. His behavior over the years has been very emotionally abusive to you. Even if he never hit you, emotional abuse can do even deeper damage--the scars aren't visible, but they can take much longer to heal than a bruise.......... Pitts, consider doing a google search on traumatic bonding---that could be what's influencing your decision to take him back, and put yourself at risk for further abuse.
D-Lish Posted March 25, 2011 Posted March 25, 2011 You've spent a lot of time putting together a laundry list of reasons why you shouldn't be with him- yet at the end of every list you write, you make an excuse for him and say that you love him. I guess I wonder if you are truly looking for change, or you are simply looking for support and sympathy for a situation you are in, but don't wish to change. Bottom line is that your H is a piece of crap. He's treated you horribly, he's cheated, left, come back only because he has nowhere else to go. At this stage of the game you should really be asking yourself what is so broken within you that you'd even entertain the idea of taking him back AGAIN and AGAIN and AGAIN.... There comes a point where you are a huge part of the problem because you accept this treatment. So what if he loves his son- that doesn't make him a worthy husband. You seem really broken. What is missing within you that makes you think you don't deserve anything better?
tami-chan Posted March 25, 2011 Posted March 25, 2011 I think this thread belongs in the Infidelity Forum. But anyway, YOU need help-professional help. You need to understand why you have allowed this man to treat you like this...You need professional help to redefine your life apart from this man. You do not need to be angry at him or be cruel to him you just need to be kind to you. BTW, how long was he incarcerated for sexual assault? It seems to me he has been absent in your life for a while-what did you do during his absence?
findingnemo Posted March 25, 2011 Posted March 25, 2011 (edited) I have been married for 15 years to a man who I met when he was married to someone else. Do you think that it was "bad" or "wrong" for you to be with a man who was already married (MM)? Your opening statement gives me that impression. Also the particular forum that you've picked to post in begs the question... He was a police officer for many years and I ran the gamut of women showing up at my house, calling my home and work phone and e-mailing me all of their disgusting hurtful facts of their affairs. I kicked him out and he cried to come back, said he wouldn't be able to live without his child and me. I believed in him for a long time. He did move out almost two years ago right after chrismas and was with a woman that made my life hell for three years with their affair. She would make sure I always knew when he was with her and even had sex tapes of them that she kindly gave to me. He claimed he loved her and proceeded to spend time and money wining and dining her, going on trips and left me and my child in the dust. Pitts, you can list more and more things he's done. But as others have suggested, you need to start looking at yourself. This is the first step though. You are, by posting this, laying bare the naked reality. If you're anything like me, just reading through your own post will give you some insight. Sorry for the ramble....I just wanted opinions, i have lost family and friends over this. Do you think I'm crazy to give him another (probably his 5th) chance? Do you think the only reason he is heere is because he has no where else to go? No job, who would hire a sex offender? No money. No house. I think , I know that everyone thinks I am a joke. A doormat. What would you have done? In the back of the mind I think everyone is right, he is only here and behaving because I am a last resort, the chump that took him back. The ass who pays for everything in his life while he sits back and laughs at me. (((HUGS))) You're not crazy and telling yourself that you are will not help. This is a terrible sitch to be in. The good news is that "in the back of your mind", you've started getting angry. Keep reading the posts on this forum...it's like therapy. As you read and see what others are going through, have been through, have done to pull through, are planning to go through:eek:, etc, the blinders will begin to come off... Welcome to LS!!:) Edited March 25, 2011 by findingnemo
TigerCub Posted March 25, 2011 Posted March 25, 2011 You've spent a lot of time putting together a laundry list of reasons why you shouldn't be with him- yet at the end of every list you write, you make an excuse for him and say that you love him. I guess I wonder if you are truly looking for change, or you are simply looking for support and sympathy for a situation you are in, but don't wish to change. Bottom line is that your H is a piece of crap. He's treated you horribly, he's cheated, left, come back only because he has nowhere else to go. At this stage of the game you should really be asking yourself what is so broken within you that you'd even entertain the idea of taking him back AGAIN and AGAIN and AGAIN.... There comes a point where you are a huge part of the problem because you accept this treatment. So what if he loves his son- that doesn't make him a worthy husband. You seem really broken. What is missing within you that makes you think you don't deserve anything better? Sorry Pitts, but I think D-Lish is right on the money with this one. I hope you do get the help you need to fix you Welcome to LS
Author Pitts Posted March 26, 2011 Author Posted March 26, 2011 I have posted in the infidelity section and I got one nasty reply that said divorce. I really don't believe in divorce-but we don't have a marriage either. He won't get a "menial" job. he thinks he is above it. he is banking on a high paying job, preferbably in the off shore industry. Number one, he already had that job lined up--until they found out about his criminal background. Number two, because of his probabtion he can't leve the state, although, he hopes that he would be given "special permission" from the judge. He also is involved in a personal injury lawsuit he is banking on for money. In the meantime, he stays home while I am on my feet all day. But at least he is at home. I know where he is all day. He also is ashamed to show his face because his arrest and trial made the news. I do keep thinking of the good times, 15 years is a long time. He never did go to prison...he only got probabtion. He was moved out a total of one year. He of course says the whole thing was a mistake and he left because of the booze. he was here everday during that time (except when he was on vacation with his girlfriends). I let him here to visit his child, do his laundry, hell even get ready to go out with her. I do worry about the example I set for my daughter. I always have it in the back of my mind that I am second choice, the idiot who supports him because at this time no one wants him. when he was a cop he thought he was god. Now the mighty have fallen, and I am here picking up the pieces. Have to get up at 5:00 to go to work while he sleeps in and surfs the internet.
Author Pitts Posted March 26, 2011 Author Posted March 26, 2011 As far as his family--he has none. Seriously, they all (3) live in another country (16 hour flight). My family has distanced themselves since I let him back home. he moved out after christmas in 2009, but actually spent that holiday with his girlfriend he left me for.
desertIslandCactus Posted March 26, 2011 Posted March 26, 2011 I have posted in the infidelity section and I got one nasty reply that said divorce. I really don't believe in divorce-but we don't have a marriage either. He won't get a "menial" job. he thinks he is above it. he is banking on a high paying job, preferbably in the off shore industry. Number one, he already had that job lined up--until they found out about his criminal background. Number two, because of his probabtion he can't leve the state, although, he hopes that he would be given "special permission" from the judge. He also is involved in a personal injury lawsuit he is banking on for money. In the meantime, he stays home while I am on my feet all day. But at least he is at home. I know where he is all day. He also is ashamed to show his face because his arrest and trial made the news. I do keep thinking of the good times, 15 years is a long time. He never did go to prison...he only got probabtion. He was moved out a total of one year. He of course says the whole thing was a mistake and he left because of the booze. he was here everday during that time (except when he was on vacation with his girlfriends). I let him here to visit his child, do his laundry, hell even get ready to go out with her. I do worry about the example I set for my daughter. I always have it in the back of my mind that I am second choice, the idiot who supports him because at this time no one wants him. when he was a cop he thought he was god. Now the mighty have fallen, and I am here picking up the pieces. Have to get up at 5:00 to go to work while he sleeps in and surfs the internet. Pitts, Since you are the only breadwinner .. and he has proven he can't be trusted - at least try to keep whatever you can, separate - if any extra monies. Perhaps at this time, while housing him - you may be saving on a potential of spousal support. When and if he takes a job - that may be the determining factor as to if he intends to stay in the M, or leave you again. Wait, and see if he leaves. The burden may be taken from you.
BB07 Posted March 26, 2011 Posted March 26, 2011 Pitts......it's one thing to be careless with yourself but you are responsible for your child and the example that you allow to be shown and set. I'm living proof that living in a hellish situation leaves terrible scars and has lead to some of my poor choices. My father was a serial cheater, alcoholic, abusive and he molested me 2x when I was a teen. You may think that your husband would never hurt your child like that (molestation) but I'm here to tell you that someone as sick as him is not safe around your child, go ahead and leave the molestation out of it and it's still the same.....he is too sick to be around the child. If not for yourself don't expose this to your child.
Author Pitts Posted March 26, 2011 Author Posted March 26, 2011 I hear you BB. That is what many of my friends and family said as they left me....my daughter has dealt with fallout, since this made the news and her classmates and neighbors know about his crime. She has also dealt with his probation officer coming to the house. I really don't think he would ever physically harm her. He adores her, if anything he neglected her for his girlfriends and internet. She worships the ground he walks on. She was so upset when he left. She was the main reason I let him back. She wanted us together. She wanted me to stop crying. He has talked to her about the danger of drinking, and his "mistake". IDK! I do love him, the memory of who he was when we met. I blamealot on me. I ignored him, I got up to close to 300 pounds. I stopped having sex with him after his girlfriend (not the one he left me for, the one before) showed up at my house. I wouldn't touch him. But he never did try either.
26pointblue Posted March 26, 2011 Posted March 26, 2011 Then take it little by little Pitts, and also do what you think is best for you, as well. Just because he has moved back in, nothing has to be set in stone. It can be temporary - or he may have to prove himself again: Your call - and while reviewing. Okay, so OWs are often told, 'you deserve better,' 'he's lying to you,' 'you're his default plan,' 'why would you want to be with someone who has shown they are capable of cheating and lying?', etc., yet this guy TAKES THE CAKE in terms of a habitual cheater/liar/offender -- there have even been concerns expressed to the mother that she shouldn't allow this guy into her home with her child present [come ON - no one would express those concerns without reason!] & you are encouraging her to stay with him just because she married him? Wow. OP I think you should get out! I don't say this as an OW- maybe I have no place to say this since I'm an OW to an MM who has been eating cake for a year- but you came to a forum for OW & OMs [why??] & asked for our advice, so, mine is to RUN. Yes, he is only with you as a back-up plan, out of desperation because he lost his job & no one else wants him. If you FEEL like you are being his doormat, there's a reason for that. I know you haven't had much experience with other guys before him but there ARE good guys out there who really want to be with only you & treat you the right way. Let me say to you a mantra I see repeated to pretty much every OW here - which I think applies in your case as a BS - DONT SETTLE. YOU DESERVE MORE. RUN FORREST RUN. I don't know what else to say. I think you must already know the answers deep withinor why would you come to an OW forum & ask what we think?? Good luck.
BB07 Posted March 26, 2011 Posted March 26, 2011 I hear you BB. That is what many of my friends and family said as they left me....my daughter has dealt with fallout, since this made the news and her classmates and neighbors know about his crime. She has also dealt with his probation officer coming to the house. I really don't think he would ever physically harm her. He adores her, if anything he neglected her for his girlfriends and internet. She worships the ground he walks on. She was so upset when he left. She was the main reason I let him back. She wanted us together. She wanted me to stop crying. He has talked to her about the danger of drinking, and his "mistake". IDK! I do love him, the memory of who he was when we met. I blamealot on me. I ignored him, I got up to close to 300 pounds. I stopped having sex with him after his girlfriend (not the one he left me for, the one before) showed up at my house. I wouldn't touch him. But he never did try either. Oh pitts.......I've not been in your shoes but my mother walked in similar ones. I want you to really hear me when I say what I'm going to say next OK.........my daddy loved and adored me too. I have many memories from the age of 3 to 9 that are everything that a little girl could hope for about her daddy. Then........he started drinking a lot, then all the women, then he got mean and there are other things Pitts that I haven't proof of but I suspect. I think there were things he did that were serious crimes, one was arson and I think he let his nephew take the fall for him. He was abusive to me and my mother. I was much like your daughter......all I wanted was my daddy back and for him to be like he used to be. Pitts.........now I see that he was way too far gone after a certain point and I know without a doubt that my mother letting him go back and forth when he was at his worst did much more harm to me than if she had kicked his sorry arse out. Also........if she had kicked him out when he was at his worst, the molestation probably would not have happened. Pitts.......I don't know why but this occurred to me, maybe the reason I'm here at LS is to help you see that you need to protect your daughter from your husbands weakness and sicknesses. Please face the facts that it would take a real miracle for him to get better and be a good man. You can't fix him.......you can't make him do it but you CAN protect your daughter. You are the adult here and she is the child and even though she cries for her daddy, she doesn't deserve the sick one, protect her from him, please. Give her a good, decent, peaceful life so she will be equipped to go out and live well and make good choices and be proud of herself.
BB07 Posted March 26, 2011 Posted March 26, 2011 Okay, so OWs are often told, 'you deserve better,' 'he's lying to you,' 'you're his default plan,' 'why would you want to be with someone who has shown they are capable of cheating and lying?', etc., yet this guy TAKES THE CAKE in terms of a habitual cheater/liar/offender -- there have even been concerns expressed to the mother that she shouldn't allow this guy into her home with her child present [come ON - no one would express those concerns without reason!] & you are encouraging her to stay with him just because she married him? Wow. OP I think you should get out! I don't say this as an OW- maybe I have no place to say this since I'm an OW to an MM who has been eating cake for a year- but you came to a forum for OW & OMs [why??] & asked for our advice, so, mine is to RUN. Yes, he is only with you as a back-up plan, out of desperation because he lost his job & no one else wants him. If you FEEL like you are being his doormat, there's a reason for that. I know you haven't had much experience with other guys before him but there ARE good guys out there who really want to be with only you & treat you the right way. Let me say to you a mantra I see repeated to pretty much every OW here - which I think applies in your case as a BS - DONT SETTLE. YOU DESERVE MORE. RUN FORREST RUN. I don't know what else to say. I think you must already know the answers deep withinor why would you come to an OW forum & ask what we think?? Good luck. EXCELLENT points 26blue!
26pointblue Posted March 26, 2011 Posted March 26, 2011 No you are not crazy. I actualy commend you for not giving up on your husband. Some folks would have cut and run a long time ago but you've been there. I think you have held onto your vows strongly.. You've had more bad times than good. With hope if he is willing to change you can have more good times in your life. Yes he is only with you because he has no where else to go. You are the only one willing to put up with his behavior. It doesn't make him a bad person because he has no where to go. He is still the father of your child and I would hope you'd like for him to at least be in a safe environment. I am sure he will find a way, legally. He just has to get his abuse issues in check that's first. Second is finding employment no matter how much it pays. Wash dishes if he has to. Just get himself in a routine to where a bottle won't call his name if he has time to sink into a depression. Make your terms now... You will not cater to his needs. He has to support himself and also help with the bills. No free ride. Give him 3 months if he doesn't have a job now and when I say any, I mean any... "May I take your order please" Any Job! If he doesn't comply he has to leave. Call up his parents and tell them in advance what your plans are and you're serious about it. I would help him in anyway possible. He is the father of your child and that is another factor in wanting to see him suceed. Every child needs a father no matter what. I don't care about people who say no you don't, every child does. Are you serious?? You are condoning his continual abuse of her & his pattern of using her. As soon as he's back on his feet, he will forget all about her again & be on to the next one! He is a sex offender!!! What kind of father is that? Having NO father [& a STRONG mother!!! Willing to stand up for herself!] is better than having this kind of 'father'! I cannot believe your response. You are just encouraging her to keep enabling her. If you ask me [which she did], it's sick.
BB07 Posted March 26, 2011 Posted March 26, 2011 Pitts, Since you are the only breadwinner .. and he has proven he can't be trusted - at least try to keep whatever you can, separate - if any extra monies. Perhaps at this time, while housing him - you may be saving on a potential of spousal support. When and if he takes a job - that may be the determining factor as to if he intends to stay in the M, or leave you again. Wait, and see if he leaves. The burden may be taken from you. DIC.........This is not an attack, please believe me but I'm scared that you encouraging this woman to give this man a chance is dangerous for her and mostly I'm scared for her daughter. I know you are pro marriage but pro marriage should not cost someone this much.
26pointblue Posted March 26, 2011 Posted March 26, 2011 You've spent a lot of time putting together a laundry list of reasons why you shouldn't be with him- yet at the end of every list you write, you make an excuse for him and say that you love him. I guess I wonder if you are truly looking for change, or you are simply looking for support and sympathy for a situation you are in, but don't wish to change. Bottom line is that your H is a piece of crap. He's treated you horribly, he's cheated, left, come back only because he has nowhere else to go. At this stage of the game you should really be asking yourself what is so broken within you that you'd even entertain the idea of taking him back AGAIN and AGAIN and AGAIN.... There comes a point where you are a huge part of the problem because you accept this treatment. So what if he loves his son- that doesn't make him a worthy husband. You seem really broken. What is missing within you that makes you think you don't deserve anything better? Exactly. This post is spot on. It's all that the OP needs to read.
whichwayisup Posted March 26, 2011 Posted March 26, 2011 The final decision is yours, but bottomline is, you all need family counseling and your H needs help badly. He went from being a Cop to .. Nothing. He is depressed, a drunk, acting out and isn't acting like a caring father, nor a husband. Until he can prove he is worthy of being a stronger, better person, he needs to be on his own and not have you enable him, bail him out. He can still see his daughter, but under the condition that he is getting help. You could benefit from counselling as well, this whole situation is messy and has the potiential to blow up again, hurting your daughter.
whichwayisup Posted March 26, 2011 Posted March 26, 2011 DIC.........This is not an attack, please believe me but I'm scared that you encouraging this woman to give this man a chance is dangerous for her and mostly I'm scared for her daughter. I know you are pro marriage but pro marriage should not cost someone this much. I am pro marriage as well, but in this situation, there is such an uhealthy dynamic going on and this ex Cop is not in a good place at all. Until he gets his life back on track, he needs to stand on his own two feet and fix himself. If he is unwilling and thinks he can have girls on the side, drink and party it up, that is not good for his daughter to see!
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