I am trying to go NC

[MLC64]

That is the ugly truth. NC started for a reason. And that reason is still there... Even worse: that reason is not going to change no matter how many times we could go back and forth with NC. That reason is not going to change unless he really does things he has promised. Oh, right, it ain't gonna happen

 

 

 

This is priceless. I am going to print it and put it on my wall. It's like a cold shower bringing me back to the reality

 

AlaFlower....how are you? Are you still in NC? I have been without a computer...so haven't been online...please let me know how you are doing? Is it possible to PM people here? Can anyone tell me that?

tx

[siuys]

AlaFlower....how are you? Are you still in NC? I have been without a computer...so haven't been online...please let me know how you are doing? Is it possible to PM people here? Can anyone tell me that?

tx

 

MLC, I think you can only PM when you've posted something like 50 posts and you become an 'established member'.

 

How are you? Still NC? I am 3.5 weeks into NC and doing better by the day. Hope you are too. Hang in there.

[MLC64]

MLC, I think you can only PM when you've posted something like 50 posts and you become an 'established member'.

 

How are you? Still NC? I am 3.5 weeks into NC and doing better by the day. Hope you are too. Hang in there.

 

 

hi...Way to Go!!! HOly that is just seeming so unreal to me.

I wished I could say I was still NC. Starting out from scratch. Again......I suck at this because I can't shut up. My anger gets the best of me and he is being so rude....which makes me dislike him even more. I think it will be easier now...b/c he is just an *ss. Serial dam cheat. GOod for you tho:).....how in the heck do you do it, I always feel I need the final word that is my problem. It do believe it is done for good....it has been for over a month since I caught him on that site, fights constantly. It is the hurt I can't deal with (and yes I read about the withdrawl of txts, etc, that is huge).....omg it just sucks but today I have read some really good things here and I feel stronger already. I have to be on here to get support or I will crack up. I somehow feels better reading that many others have experienced the exact same thing...makes me think if these guys all share the same brain or are the same guy in some instances at the stories are almost identical. Gawd,,,give me strength.

 

tx for the info!!!

[siuys]

hi...Way to Go!!! HOly that is just seeming so unreal to me.

I wished I could say I was still NC. Starting out from scratch. Again......I suck at this because I can't shut up. My anger gets the best of me and he is being so rude....which makes me dislike him even more. I think it will be easier now...b/c he is just an *ss. Serial dam cheat. GOod for you tho:).....how in the heck do you do it, I always feel I need the final word that is my problem. It do believe it is done for good....it has been for over a month since I caught him on that site, fights constantly. It is the hurt I can't deal with (and yes I read about the withdrawl of txts, etc, that is huge).....omg it just sucks but today I have read some really good things here and I feel stronger already. I have to be on here to get support or I will crack up. I somehow feels better reading that many others have experienced the exact same thing...makes me think if these guys all share the same brain or are the same guy in some instances at the stories are almost identical. Gawd,,,give me strength.

 

tx for the info!!!

 

hugs, MLC. hang in there. sometimes it is a two step forward, one step back thing. i broke NC many times in the past. some people say on here that there is no point going NC when you're not ready. i don't know. i just know that this time, i HAD to go NC. for me. i wanted to end the drama, the pain, the dysfunction. no more. so yes, even today, i am still a little angry and sometimes i want to write him an email and call him names and tell him off. but what is the use? i honestly believe he knows. it's whether or not he wants to admit it. and if i contact him, i will be yanked back to Day 1 of NC. i will feel all those awful feelings again. So why do that to yourself? it really doesn't matter what the details are. The big picture matters more.

 

Don't beat yourself about breaking NC. it was a slip. big deal. just get back on track. Take responsibility and own your own actions. you stayed in a bad situation that was always going to be bad for you. you made a mistake. you question your judgement. whatever. acknowledge and move on. you have a life to live.

[MLC64]

MLC, I think you can only PM when you've posted something like 50 posts and you become an 'established member'.

 

How are you? Still NC? I am 3.5 weeks into NC and doing better by the day. Hope you are too. Hang in there.

 

hugs, MLC. hang in there. sometimes it is a two step forward, one step back thing. i broke NC many times in the past. some people say on here that there is no point going NC when you're not ready. i don't know. i just know that this time, i HAD to go NC. for me. i wanted to end the drama, the pain, the dysfunction. no more. so yes, even today, i am still a little angry and sometimes i want to write him an email and call him names and tell him off. but what is the use? i honestly believe he knows. it's whether or not he wants to admit it. and if i contact him, i will be yanked back to Day 1 of NC. i will feel all those awful feelings again. So why do that to yourself? it really doesn't matter what the details are. The big picture matters more.

 

Don't beat yourself about breaking NC. it was a slip. big deal. just get back on track. Take responsibility and own your own actions. you stayed in a bad situation that was always going to be bad for you. you made a mistake. you question your judgement. whatever. acknowledge and move on. you have a life to live.

 

You are entirely 100% right, with all you have said. I am responsible...for sure...for what I have contributed to this mess. I will also be responsible for honouring myself with the gift of healing.....for myself, my H and DD. I can't wait to say that with ease...to be able to help others here..that is a goal....hopefully it will occur in this century...(kidding) I know it will

Because yes, I have a life to live.

[rainier]

I have been reading all of your replies as I go through the same. I broke nc after two days and now completing another 2 days. We all seem to be experiencing the beginning of the end. It is the hardest and each moment my brain is occupied with memories and reminders.I cannot begin to feel it will get better. Thank you to all those who have posted about their success and how they pushed on. It really does give me hope and strength to keep trying.

I went out and bought a new phone so the "sounds" would be different and not create a reaction when I received a text etc.... I also have the option to change my number. I thought about it and still do but the other part of me feels it is really over and don't expect to hear from him. He made his decision and told me he did not come back this time and not to cause me more pain. Maybe that says he really does care since he know how hurt I am.

[AlaFlower]

MLC, thanks for checking on me... I must admit. I have failed. Last night I was feeling so bad that I couldn't handle it at all. Well, it was a breaking point as I've been feeling horrible ever since it started. So I emailed him asking if we could talk. As of right now... we discussed things over again. I don't think anything changed. He said that he is still working on finances issues (surprise, surprise!), but supposedly it's moving to a right direction (umm, is it really?).

 

He tried to convince me that once the finances straighten out then we can set the final timeline. Which I think I can read as "there is no timeline whatsoever because this finance excuse can take the whole life since it's just an excuse"

 

He said his wife knows that he is trying to get on his own (ummm, really? I would rather doubt it)

 

So I am looking at this situation over again and ... and nothing. No thoughts at all. Don't want to hurt anyone (including myself) over again.

 

One thing is for sure: for right now I will do LC.

Another thing is that all the pictures/gifts/etc are still in the box in the basement and it's going to stay there.

[AlaFlower]

MLC, keep in touch. I think we are in the same boat. And this boat has no direction

 

PM are allowed only after 50 posts and I am not quite there yet

[AlaFlower]

I am 3.5 weeks into NC and doing better by the day. Hope you are too. Hang in there.

 

Good job! We all should learn from you.

 

I am thinking about a better planning this time. I got a lot of good advice on here and have a better idea on how to apply all of them to be able to get rid of this "baggage" completely. I will try again once I feel a bit stronger. Hopefully in a few days. Fingers crossed.

[AlaFlower]

I have been reading all of your replies as I go through the same. I broke nc after two days and now completing another 2 days. We all seem to be experiencing the beginning of the end. It is the hardest and each moment my brain is occupied with memories and reminders.I cannot begin to feel it will get better. Thank you to all those who have posted about their success and how they pushed on. It really does give me hope and strength to keep trying.

I went out and bought a new phone so the "sounds" would be different and not create a reaction when I received a text etc.... I also have the option to change my number. I thought about it and still do but the other part of me feels it is really over and don't expect to hear from him. He made his decision and told me he did not come back this time and not to cause me more pain. Maybe that says he really does care since he know how hurt I am.

 

Rainier, hang in there... Stay strong. Breaking NC does NOT solve any problems, nor makes us feel better... (maybe temporary)

[AlaFlower]

Sometimes I want to really think that maybe he is telling the truth. But then I think about all the stories I read on here and it brings me down to earth again.

 

I wish I could have found this forum before it all started. Having a brain doesn't hurt too. Would've been nice to have one...

[AlaFlower]

I went out and bought a new phone so the "sounds" would be different and not create a reaction when I received a text etc.... I also have the option to change my number. I thought about it and still do but the other part of me feels it is really over and don't expect to hear from him. He made his decision and told me he did not come back this time and not to cause me more pain. Maybe that says he really does care since he know how hurt I am.

 

This is something I should do to prepare for next (and hopefully final) NC - get a new phone number. But it is a serious step that kills all the hope all together. Need to get my mind set. Ok, one step at a time.

 

P.S. Why did I even break NC, what a stupid thing to do. It eased the pain, but the big picture didn't change.

[BB07]

Hang in there ladies.......if you took a step back, just step forward again. I'm rooting for you and others are also.

 

Remember......NC= no new hurts.

 

 

Hugs..........

[Amour7]

Welcome back, alaflower . We've all taken steps backward. What's important is that you don't stop trying to move in the direction you want to go. Rainier, MLC, and ala... I am in the "early stages NC club" with you, and I know it is so hard. Well, there are times when I am feeling strong, resolved, grateful, etc., but I exited the roller coaster ride with MM to get in my own solo emotional ride. Lots of lows, a few moments where I feel like I am climbing, and twists and turns all over the place. Tonight I am really struggling again, thinking that I could just write him an email telling him ____, could call (knowing he won't answer) and not leave him a message to make him wonder.... Oh, it is all silly, I know, but there are moments of severe withdrawal where I feel completely out of control. I think, "thank God he's not contacting me" because I don't know if I would be strong enough to not respond, and then I think, "damn, WTF hasn't he tried to contact me?". I am trying so hard to have the courage to change the things that I can, which includes breaking free of old unhealthy behaviors. Day 4 NC... Thinking of you and your struggles. Wishing us all strength and peace.

[AlaFlower]

Welcome back, alaflower . We've all taken steps backward. What's important is that you don't stop trying to move in the direction you want to go. Rainier, MLC, and ala... I am in the "early stages NC club" with you, and I know it is so hard. Well, there are times when I am feeling strong, resolved, grateful, etc., but I exited the roller coaster ride with MM to get in my own solo emotional ride. Lots of lows, a few moments where I feel like I am climbing, and twists and turns all over the place. Tonight I am really struggling again, thinking that I could just write him an email telling him ____, could call (knowing he won't answer) and not leave him a message to make him wonder.... Oh, it is all silly, I know, but there are moments of severe withdrawal where I feel completely out of control. I think, "thank God he's not contacting me" because I don't know if I would be strong enough to not respond, and then I think, "damn, WTF hasn't he tried to contact me?". I am trying so hard to have the courage to change the things that I can, which includes breaking free of old unhealthy behaviors. Day 4 NC... Thinking of you and your struggles. Wishing us all strength and peace.

 

First days were not the worst for me apparently (I thought they were though!) but I totally started failing by the end of first week and then it only got worse.

 

I was trying to write emails and then delete them, get mad and concentrate on the bad things, but I still failed. I will try again. I am getting better prepared. Less trust this time too...

[JadedAmore]

First days were not the worst for me apparently (I thought they were though!) but I totally started failing by the end of first week and then it only got worse.

 

I was trying to write emails and then delete them, get mad and concentrate on the bad things, but I still failed. I will try again. I am getting better prepared. Less trust this time too...

 

I actually started a journal, or a blog.. call it what you will. It's private, and no one can read it, but I write in it as if I'm writing to xMM. Sometimes I write about how I miss him, sometimes I write about how strong I feel I'm getting and how each day it's hurting less. I know it's probably not the most therapeutic idea, but it seemed to work for me.

 

Oh, and coming here seemed to help a lot too. Imagine that.

 

Hugs to all!

[Flabbergaster]

Ladies, stay the course. You're doing so well. I know it hurts, GOD it hurts.

 

Ala, get your strength back and then start again.

 

First week I had a friend on chat with me at least two hours a day, holding my hand through the pain. I had LS. When it got really bad at first, my friend (who has been an OW before, not with me) reminded me that week 1 of NC is about survival. Just get through the first week, just get through.

You're back on day 1. Good for you, I have a one day token for you. Make it through tomorrow and you get a two day token. Seriously...carry something special with you tomorrow as your 'one day' talisman. Break NC, you have to throw it away. I carried an eisenhower dollar that belonged to my father, first few days.

 

Somedays it is three steps backward one step forward. Just keep trying to move forward, after every setback.

Ala..ost here before you break contact, from now on.. Give us the chance to discuss it with you. You are responsible for at least three other women that are trying to get through NC, from the posters, here.. Every day you show them success might be the hard day that they need your help, your role model.

Make your goal a month, or even two weeks, in NC. That's enough. Make it to that point and then try to extend the goal. Don't worry about forever just yet; maybe things will change before forever (don't plan on them changing, but it's ok to leave the option on the table for right now).

 

The first few weeks can have REALLy painful moments. Survive those moments, they pass in a few hours or a day or two. It's hard to remember just how much pain you were in and why you went NC. Try to find a focal memory that you can summon up, to get you through the hard moments of NC.

 

read LS. Read ls a LOT.

post advice to others. Find a lost soul here that you can offer some advice to, from your experiences. I have several, here. Helping them gives me a bit of sanity, a bit of 'quiet time' from my painful thoughts, and perhaps more importantly it forces me to accept reality. To them (cause a few of you have posted here) I give a challenge: give me something to look forward to. Please get to a point to say "two months NC, sir. Thank you; keep NC and moving on, yourself." You can't imagine how much that would help me.

 

If I can give such good advice to them...perhaps I should let xOW follow a similar path to happiness? Perhaps i can maintain NC myself, if I can tell others why it is a good thing?

 

A scared, hurt, young woman is reading your thread. She's alone in her pain, she's caught in the pain of an A and doesn't know how to get out. Show her what she should do. Show her how to get out of the pain...by doing it for yourself.

[MLC64]

Welcome back, alaflower . We've all taken steps backward. What's important is that you don't stop trying to move in the direction you want to go. Rainier, MLC, and ala... I am in the "early stages NC club" with you, and I know it is so hard. Well, there are times when I am feeling strong, resolved, grateful, etc., but I exited the roller coaster ride with MM to get in my own solo emotional ride. Lots of lows, a few moments where I feel like I am climbing, and twists and turns all over the place. Tonight I am really struggling again, thinking that I could just write him an email telling him ____, could call (knowing he won't answer) and not leave him a message to make him wonder.... Oh, it is all silly, I know, but there are moments of severe withdrawal where I feel completely out of control. I think, "thank God he's not contacting me" because I don't know if I would be strong enough to not respond, and then I think, "damn, WTF hasn't he tried to contact me?". I am trying so hard to have the courage to change the things that I can, which includes breaking free of old unhealthy behaviors. Day 4 NC... Thinking of you and your struggles. Wishing us all strength and peace.

 

Good morning, I am on day 3 and I am really hurting, I woke up and feel hungover....(no drinking at all.). My head hurts and my heart break b/c we went past two days, we have never done that. He hasn't contacted me all weekend.......it hurts. All that written here, really helps. I so appreciate it. I need to know.....I am not alone. I am reading a really good book and I wanted to share, it is called "The Journey from Abandonment to Healing" by Susan Anderson. It is absolutely incredible....I recommend it. I feel it was written for us in this situation.

I have to go to work and don't want to, I want to lay in my bed and sob. It is over and I am so sad. God help all of us, Ala Flower, welcome back. What you wrote give me another good reason why I need and want off this rollercoaster ride (which is what I told him last week which lead to the end).

I am proud of myself for telling him that. The rest of our week leading up to Friday was horrible hurtful words that cannot be taken back. It is done and I need to move towards healing but this fog and hurt seems too much to bear.

Hugs to all struggling and a big thanks to everyone.....it all helps here, so grateful I found LS.

[MLC64]

Ladies, stay the course. You're doing so well. I know it hurts, GOD it hurts.

 

Ala, get your strength back and then start again.

 

First week I had a friend on chat with me at least two hours a day, holding my hand through the pain. I had LS. When it got really bad at first, my friend (who has been an OW before, not with me) reminded me that week 1 of NC is about survival. Just get through the first week, just get through.

You're back on day 1. Good for you, I have a one day token for you. Make it through tomorrow and you get a two day token. Seriously...carry something special with you tomorrow as your 'one day' talisman. Break NC, you have to throw it away. I carried an eisenhower dollar that belonged to my father, first few days.

 

Somedays it is three steps backward one step forward. Just keep trying to move forward, after every setback.

Ala..ost here before you break contact, from now on.. Give us the chance to discuss it with you. You are responsible for at least three other women that are trying to get through NC, from the posters, here.. Every day you show them success might be the hard day that they need your help, your role model.

Make your goal a month, or even two weeks, in NC. That's enough. Make it to that point and then try to extend the goal. Don't worry about forever just yet; maybe things will change before forever (don't plan on them changing, but it's ok to leave the option on the table for right now).

 

The first few weeks can have REALLy painful moments. Survive those moments, they pass in a few hours or a day or two. It's hard to remember just how much pain you were in and why you went NC. Try to find a focal memory that you can summon up, to get you through the hard moments of NC.

 

read LS. Read ls a LOT.

post advice to others. Find a lost soul here that you can offer some advice to, from your experiences. I have several, here. Helping them gives me a bit of sanity, a bit of 'quiet time' from my painful thoughts, and perhaps more importantly it forces me to accept reality. To them (cause a few of you have posted here) I give a challenge: give me something to look forward to. Please get to a point to say "two months NC, sir. Thank you; keep NC and moving on, yourself." You can't imagine how much that would help me.

 

If I can give such good advice to them...perhaps I should let xOW follow a similar path to happiness? Perhaps i can maintain NC myself, if I can tell others why it is a good thing?

 

A scared, hurt, young woman is reading your thread. She's alone in her pain, she's caught in the pain of an A and doesn't know how to get out. Show her what she should do. Show her how to get out of the pain...by doing it for yourself.

 

FG......this is just an excellent response....thank you, I needed to this to face me day today. I wish I could stay home but can't as I have a life to lead. I will take one minute at a time today, I know this is going to be rough. I wished I had a friend to hold my hand...you are very lucky to have that friend. Thanks again.

[AlaFlower]

I'm still sad today. This roller coaster is very tiring. I should have let it go a long time ago, or at least not break NC.

 

We talked a bit more last night. As always, I want to believe in whatever he says, but then I think about hundreds of similar stories I read on here and it makes me realize that words are just words.

 

He told me that he is absolutely positive he wants us to be together, he also said he loved me enough to want what was the best for me. I told him I was bound to leave rather sooner than later, however I also said that if he really thought he wanted us to be together, the only way would be if there was a timeline by when this and that would happen. No excuses. He said he understood. He's been trying to get a better position with the company he works and I know he works at least 80 hours per week right now and deals with a lot of issues and stress. He is very concerned about this new opportunity for his career and thinks it's his chance to a financially stable future as the income would literally double. He also apologized many times for the whole situation we are in and he was very sorry that he's been hurting me so much with not been able to get out of the marriage yet, also told me that he realizes and appreciates that I've been more than patient with him while he is trying to straighten out his life.

 

With all being said, I am confident that I will do NC after I calm down a bit. I don't believe in happy end in this situation regardless of what he says as I've been through hell too many times during this A, especially when he said he separated but then came back home later due to "financial reasons" (haha, yeah, sure "finances" is the magic thing that keeps people together, right? haha)

[AlaFlower]

read LS. Read ls a LOT.

post advice to others. Find a lost soul here that you can offer some advice to, from your experiences. I have several, here. Helping them gives me a bit of sanity, a bit of 'quiet time' from my painful thoughts, and perhaps more importantly it forces me to accept reality. To them (cause a few of you have posted here) I give a challenge: give me something to look forward to. Please get to a point to say "two months NC, sir. Thank you; keep NC and moving on, yourself." You can't imagine how much that would help me.

 

If I can give such good advice to them...perhaps I should let xOW follow a similar path to happiness? Perhaps i can maintain NC myself, if I can tell others why it is a good thing?

 

A scared, hurt, young woman is reading your thread. She's alone in her pain, she's caught in the pain of an A and doesn't know how to get out. Show her what she should do. Show her how to get out of the pain...by doing it for yourself.

 

Good advice, thank you

 

I do read this forum a lot. I would like to give advice to other lost souls, but I don't feel like I can give any good advice since I can't even manage my own life and fail every day. I feel the pain every time I read other sad stories on here, it's so sad to see how much hurt people deal with. So many similar stories, it's pathetic. We are all in the same boat looks like. Scenario is always the same. How I wish I had found this forum two years ago!

 

But perhaps we must learn from our own mistakes?

[AlaFlower]

I wish I could stay home but can't as I have a life to lead. I will take one minute at a time today, I know this is going to be rough. I wished I had a friend to hold my hand...you are very lucky to have that friend.

 

Hi MLC. I'm so sorry to hear how much you are hurting... It's hard to fill the void. Especially if you are used to text each other all day long.

 

We talk, but I am still hurting... and getting ready to do NC again. This time it will be final as I will be better prepared.

 

Plain and simple.

[Flabbergaster]

I would like to give advice to other lost souls, but I don't feel like I can give any good advice since I can't even manage my own life and fail every day. I feel the pain every time I read other sad stories on here, it's so sad to see how much hurt people deal with.

Perhaps start by just posting empathy with someone whose pain resonates with you; let them know you understand their pain and hope they can be strong, maybe mention you went through similar. Sometimes that's all i do. It lets them know they aren't alone, and it lets you know that you have helped someone in similar pain. It helps both of you. Group therapy ftw.

 

Your reply to MLC for instance...was probably appreciated, probably helpful.

 

Hmm, both of you are just a few more posts from getting Private Message activated. Perhaps you could become recovery buddies, send each other a daily affirmation?

 

I think your best course would be to tell him with everything in his life atm, it's time to go NC while he straightens things out. Having you around will just add to the burden. You don't want to talk to him again while he's married, for any reason (tell him that). If he gets a divorce, he can try to date you but you are assuming the A is over as of now. Goodbye, goodluck, don't say anything about love or "if things were different."

 

I wished I had a friend to hold my hand...you are very lucky to have that friend.

First few days for me...i was worthless at work. "you died walking," someone said was a phrase from their language.

Dear, you do have a friend. We're here. It's not as perfect as a phone call or a chat, but it's a lot better than back in the days of "send a letter."

We're here, we belive in you. Ala is going to tell you how she managed to go back to NC, you're going to tell her how you went two more days. We all get by.

[Amour7]

How are y'all (early NC'ers)? I am hoping you feel a little stronger today. BB's line of " NC= no new hurts" is sinking in for me. As hard as each day is, at least there is no new pain.

 

Hugs to all

 

well....I went to work too.....and on my lunch saw the red flashing light (I am not a gambler but can see how the flashing lights etc are addicting). I unlocked and sure enough....a "m y" and a "how r u". He fished and I am the biggest sucker out there. Totally broke nc and over what? Because I was happy to see he was thinking of me...stupid me. I can see this is going to be WAY harder than I thought. I agree with Siuys has written.....I won't be successful until I am ready for it to be over. I am so emotionally attached and so his he.

I have missed him so much......ridiculous. My list, I didn't have my list with me. I will take it tomorrow with me. I am also going to leave my phone in my purse in the kitchen at work, so I can't check it without physically going out of my way. I feel like a loser breaking nc but knew b/c I feel so weak....I would.

 

Alaflower...I am proud of you and you inspire me to do better.....to be stronger. Learn from my weakness, it doesn't feel good as you said nothing is going to change and that is the truth. You are doing the right thing....I will try again and again. hang in there!!! Do not break NC it isn't worth it.

 

Hi MLC. I'm so sorry to hear how much you are hurting... It's hard to fill the void. Especially if you are used to text each other all day long.

 

We talk, but I am still hurting... and getting ready to do NC again. This time it will be final as I will be better prepared.

 

Plain and simple.

[MLC64]

Hi MLC. I'm so sorry to hear how much you are hurting... It's hard to fill the void. Especially if you are used to text each other all day long.

 

We talk, but I am still hurting... and getting ready to do NC again. This time it will be final as I will be better prepared.

 

Plain and simple.

 

Hey...thanks and I hope you will go NC.....it is inevitable. It really is.....read and read here.....we all feel the same crap. Well, except a handful. Day 4 NC....I want to hide....far far away. From everyone. I am so mad I allowed someone who I "thought" I knew to treat me like this. I want to write him and tell him I think he sucks and I regret it all, for wasting almost five months of my life with him in my head. I really dislike him and right now, myself even more.

On a bit of a positive note...this is a milestone...never went past two days before...so I guess that is progress....

 

Flabbergaster....thanks for the comment....I appreciate it.