Author AlaFlower Posted March 28, 2011 Author Posted March 28, 2011 Sadly, going through his and her Facebook (are you friends with BOTH of them or did you hack his account?!) has given you a pretty concrete foundation for your agony and it is this deceit that makes you feel like someone sucker-punched you. I hacked Bs's facebook account once as she was "friends" with my sister from way-back (horrible!!!!!) and had to read that he had bought her flowers from the supermarket and a new laptop for her work. I had to paste a smile on my face and take it as I knew I shouldn't have been snooping in the first place. I am friends with him on Facebook and he is friends with her of course, and her page is open for friends of friends, as well as pictures. It only has one picture of them together from like 3 years ago, but it has a few pictures of him on there. Mostly just her pictures. So her page is open but I hadn't felt like checking in it before... but then I did...
Author AlaFlower Posted March 28, 2011 Author Posted March 28, 2011 Ala, NC is extremely painful and there is no way around it. For me, it took a very long time and many attempts before I could make it stick. Whether you accomplish it on the first try or the 10th doesn't matter; it's going to hurt a lot. Thank you. I feel like I am going to fail this time... If I do fail, I have a back up plan in mind to get prepared mentally and try it again. I hope it will get better in a few days though so I can continue doing a right thing. No matter what I do this time, the answer is obvious - there is no future. But it hurts like hell. It really does. I know it's my fault and punishment for jumping into A at the first place.
Author AlaFlower Posted March 28, 2011 Author Posted March 28, 2011 My only advice to you, which is what I told myself in the beginning, is draw strength from the fact that women are ALWAYS emotionally stronger than me who are, for the most part, TERRIBLE cowards! We CAN walk away. We don't NEED them. Men love to cling onto the fact that they can usually talk us round but once the blinkers come off, we can just as quickly see through it. He has lied to both of you, thats very sad. Just remember babe, don't run after a man who is running away from you. Be strong, endure. I send you all the healing magic I can xxx I am not sure if I am emotionally stronger... I wish I was. I hope you are right. I'm an emotional wreck right now. But this, too, shall pass we'll see... I should've been smarter at the first place.
Author AlaFlower Posted March 28, 2011 Author Posted March 28, 2011 It sounds like you are determined to do this if you don't get what you need. You are preparing yourself; waiting for your heart to catch up with your head. And it will. Here is what Desert Island Cactus told me about how she handled NC: "When I did NC, I planned it for months in my mind. Finally when something happened that I considered the last straw .. I did a polite communication. I had already readied myself in the spirit - so nothing he could say would make me turn back .. He had the last words. It didn't bother me because I was more than ready to make my escape - and I comfortably proceded forward." This is an awesome advice. I should've planned it longer too. I've thought about it for a few weeks, but I don't feel like I was completely ready. I felt like it has to come to the end, but maybe I overestimated myself that I can do it...
Author AlaFlower Posted March 28, 2011 Author Posted March 28, 2011 Do what works for you. It will work when you are ready, not before. One thing I will suggest is that, to the extent possible, let it be you who initiates it; don't wait for a d-day. I think, (since OW has so little control over what occurs in these relationships) that it's best that she be the one to end it. It must be so much worse when MM ends it like that. Don't let that happen to you. That's so true about the D-Day. I would not that to happen. I don't want to hurt BS more than I already did, even though she doesn't know about it... I hope she loves him. I only heard his side of the story complaining about all the issues, but I assume there is more to that and lots that I don't know about. If I knew at the very beginning that they were not really thinking about getting D as he told me, I think I probably wouldn't jump into the A with him. I should've been smarter. I should've had serious doubts about what he told me. But I was in a similar situation so it was easy to assume that someone had had the same experience at the same time. How foolish.
whichwayisup Posted March 28, 2011 Posted March 28, 2011 I am friends with him on Facebook and he is friends with her of course, and her page is open for friends of friends, as well as pictures. It only has one picture of them together from like 3 years ago, but it has a few pictures of him on there. Mostly just her pictures. So her page is open but I hadn't felt like checking in it before... but then I did... You need to delete him off your friends list. And this way you won't see what photo's are on her page. Looking is just going to make you feel worse.
Author AlaFlower Posted March 28, 2011 Author Posted March 28, 2011 You need to delete him off your friends list. And this way you won't see what photo's are on her page. Looking is just going to make you feel worse. It's even harder than to walk away. I will try to delete him for my own sanity...
whichwayisup Posted March 28, 2011 Posted March 28, 2011 Facebook is just going to keep you connected to him, even though NC is in place, keeping an eye on his page is breaking NC in some sense. You may not be ready to delete him yet, atleast change your settings so his name and his status updates don't show up in your newsfeed. Then you just need to not look at his page or his wife's page.
Author AlaFlower Posted March 28, 2011 Author Posted March 28, 2011 Facebook is just going to keep you connected to him, even though NC is in place, keeping an eye on his page is breaking NC in some sense. You may not be ready to delete him yet, atleast change your settings so his name and his status updates don't show up in your newsfeed. Then you just need to not look at his page or his wife's page. I didn't think about it, but you are right - it is breaking NC at some sense... Aaahhh, it's not getting any easier from here, is it?...
MLC64 Posted March 28, 2011 Posted March 28, 2011 (edited) I didn't think about it, but you are right - it is breaking NC at some sense... Aaahhh, it's not getting any easier from here, is it?... Hi Alaflower....I have been hoping you are ok....I am so relieved and completely glad I never allowed MM and I to be FB friends. He wanted to but I said no way. It was hard enough and I didn't want to open it up to more emotion seeing all the friends/family stuff. It was hard enough. i have read so much about that FB struggle....you must delete him. It will be so much easier. As I sit here and am struggling as it is with no FB and NC I can't imagine being able to go see photos and posts....it would devastate me. Please follow the advice and delete him. I send you hugs and please know I am right with you in the heartache....it sucks but will be worth it if we follow the great advice here. I hope you made your list, it helps me. I am sickened with what I put up and tolerated with him as I am really a strong determined women who has self confidence and integrity. I am angry I let him steal my peace. I know better and we all deserve better. I allowed it.....that makes me angry at myself. Choices....omg what was I thinking. Please keep posting as I will....we can do this!!! (((((((hugs)))))))))))) Edited March 28, 2011 by MLC64 spelling..
Author AlaFlower Posted March 28, 2011 Author Posted March 28, 2011 Hi Alaflower....I have been hoping you are ok.... Hi MLC. I thought about you today. I am glad we both are able to follow with NC still... Even though I am about to break down and break it. But I just take one day at a time and tell myself that today is not a good day for it and I can always text him tomorrow... And then tomorrow comes and I tell myself the same thing again. It has worked for a few days so far. I hope I can trick myself like that for a long time till it actually gets better.
Author AlaFlower Posted March 28, 2011 Author Posted March 28, 2011 I am so relieved and completely glad I never allowed MM and I to be FB friends. He wanted to but I said no way. It was hard enough and I didn't want to open it up to more emotion seeing all the friends/family stuff. It was hard enough. i have read so much about that FB struggle....you must delete him. It will be so much easier. As I sit here and am struggling as it is with no FB and NC I can't imagine being able to go see photos and posts....it would devastate me. Please follow the advice and delete him. Looks like it's the best way... I hate to delete him, but common sense has to win. He doesn't post much, but people post on his wall often, so there is info to read through... It will be hard to delete him. I am putting myself together right now to do it...
whichwayisup Posted March 28, 2011 Posted March 28, 2011 I didn't think about it, but you are right - it is breaking NC at some sense... Aaahhh, it's not getting any easier from here, is it?... It's just a way of keeping tabs on him, feeding your feelings too. Even if no words are spoken, you're still getting something (a feeling or a thought, a reaction) by looking and with that, it'll just hurt you more and prolong you letting go. If you can't delete him, do the hide his status. And, maybe stay off of facebook too! Post more on LS. Take this hour by hour, day by day.. Stay strong, you can do the NC!
Author AlaFlower Posted March 28, 2011 Author Posted March 28, 2011 I send you hugs and please know I am right with you in the heartache....it sucks but will be worth it if we follow the great advice here. I hope you made your list, it helps me. I am sickened with what I put up and tolerated with him as I am really a strong determined women who has self confidence and integrity. I am angry I let him steal my peace. I know better and we all deserve better. I allowed it.....that makes me angry at myself. Choices....omg what was I thinking. Please keep posting as I will....we can do this!!! (((((((hugs)))))))))))) Thanks for the hugs I feel like I am not alone through this journey anymore And I am sending you my thoughts and prayers and hope you can find some peace too... We all will... Just not right now. Time heals... I think we all put up with a lot of things in A. It must hurt self-respect and self-esteem afterall. I, myself, currently feel completely worthless. Considering that my work struggles because of this roller-coaster of emotions, all together it makes me feel so much worse. I made the list. It's not very long - I lost my anger over the last few days. I should've written it before I went NC. If I fail with NC this time I will be well prepared for the next and the last time: the list will be ready, I won't be friends with him anywhere online, I will focus on negative things as I am trying to do the same now, but I seem to do it backwards. But all the things are coming together as I suffer through. Maybe I will be able to handle it this time. I will try to stay strong... But it hurts really bad and I keep breaking in tears.
Author AlaFlower Posted March 28, 2011 Author Posted March 28, 2011 It's just a way of keeping tabs on him, feeding your feelings too. Even if no words are spoken, you're still getting something (a feeling or a thought, a reaction) by looking and with that, it'll just hurt you more and prolong you letting go. If you can't delete him, do the hide his status. And, maybe stay off of facebook too! Post more on LS. Take this hour by hour, day by day.. Stay strong, you can do the NC! I am trying to stay on here and read more stories. I even found a very, very similar story to mine from a few years ago. There are hundreds of pages to read through on here and that's what I've been doing recently. I also try to stay away from home so I can concentrate on real life: going on long rides, taking a walk, etc. It seemed to help me so far.
MLC64 Posted March 28, 2011 Posted March 28, 2011 Thanks for the hugs I feel like I am not alone through this journey anymore And I am sending you my thoughts and prayers and hope you can find some peace too... We all will... Just not right now. Time heals... I think we all put up with a lot of things in A. It must hurt self-respect and self-esteem afterall. I, myself, currently feel completely worthless. Considering that my work struggles because of this roller-coaster of emotions, all together it makes me feel so much worse. I made the list. It's not very long - I lost my anger over the last few days. I should've written it before I went NC. If I fail with NC this time I will be well prepared for the next and the last time: the list will be ready, I won't be friends with him anywhere online, I will focus on negative things as I am trying to do the same now, but I seem to do it backwards. But all the things are coming together as I suffer through. Maybe I will be able to handle it this time. I will try to stay strong... But it hurts really bad and I keep breaking in tears. HI...ok, am not doing so great right now. I feel like txtg him....I am so lost and now the anger has lessened and it is making me feel very weak. I am very sad right now and am wanting to hear from him. I know if I txt he will txt back but b/c I ended....I have to stay strong. This is so horrible and all I can say is I hope that someone considering getting involved with a MM...please don't. It is so painful in so many ways.... Alaflower....stay strong, give yourself strength and perhaps instead of setting yourself up for breaking NC, try to imagine how good it will feel in ten days like the recent poster wrote about.....I keep thinkig of that but have never gone that long. Have no clue how I will work tomorrow....being at home is hard enough trying to manage this mess. wow....
siuys Posted March 28, 2011 Posted March 28, 2011 HI...ok, am not doing so great right now. I feel like txtg him....I am so lost and now the anger has lessened and it is making me feel very weak. I am very sad right now and am wanting to hear from him. I know if I txt he will txt back but b/c I ended....I have to stay strong. This is so horrible and all I can say is I hope that someone considering getting involved with a MM...please don't. It is so painful in so many ways.... Alaflower....stay strong, give yourself strength and perhaps instead of setting yourself up for breaking NC, try to imagine how good it will feel in ten days like the recent poster wrote about.....I keep thinkig of that but have never gone that long. Have no clue how I will work tomorrow....being at home is hard enough trying to manage this mess. wow.... MLC, the longest NC for me was 1 month before he emailed me and i ignored his emails (around xmas). then i caved. things were good for a while (like few weeks) before he flipped again. the thing I noticed is that as long as it's not OVER in your head, NC will be difficult. you need to work on it being OVER, not just without contact. that's my experience anyway. but i also know i was not ready. i saw xmm only about 5 times from 1 Nov to 1 Feb but coz i was still emotionally attached, NC helped a bit, but i could not move on. Good luck.
Author AlaFlower Posted March 28, 2011 Author Posted March 28, 2011 HI...ok, am not doing so great right now. I feel like txtg him....I am so lost and now the anger has lessened and it is making me feel very weak. I am very sad right now and am wanting to hear from him. I know if I txt he will txt back but b/c I ended....I have to stay strong. This is so horrible and all I can say is I hope that someone considering getting involved with a MM...please don't. It is so painful in so many ways.... Alaflower....stay strong, give yourself strength and perhaps instead of setting yourself up for breaking NC, try to imagine how good it will feel in ten days like the recent poster wrote about.....I keep thinkig of that but have never gone that long. Have no clue how I will work tomorrow....being at home is hard enough trying to manage this mess. wow.... Oh MLC.. I hope you haven't texted him. I survived another day. Well, there is a whole lonely evening ahead of me, but I already have plans how to stay away from cell phone. I am totally sad, lost and weak too. I keep thinking that I am going to break down any time and text him... but then what? - nothing will ever change and I will find myself in this bad situation all over again. But I've been thinking a lot about it, analyzing what he ever said and did - wrong road. That's one thing I must stop doing.
Author AlaFlower Posted March 28, 2011 Author Posted March 28, 2011 It was a little easier to get through day at work today. Still really hurting and feeling awfully lonely once I get home, but work was a little better. Hope it just stays that way where I take my personal life back home and it doesn't affect my job.
MLC64 Posted March 29, 2011 Posted March 29, 2011 well....I went to work too.....and on my lunch saw the red flashing light (I am not a gambler but can see how the flashing lights etc are addicting). I unlocked and sure enough....a "m y" and a "how r u". He fished and I am the biggest sucker out there. Totally broke nc and over what? Because I was happy to see he was thinking of me...stupid me. I can see this is going to be WAY harder than I thought. I agree with Siuys has written.....I won't be successful until I am ready for it to be over. I am so emotionally attached and so his he. I have missed him so much......ridiculous. My list, I didn't have my list with me. I will take it tomorrow with me. I am also going to leave my phone in my purse in the kitchen at work, so I can't check it without physically going out of my way. I feel like a loser breaking nc but knew b/c I feel so weak....I would. Alaflower...I am proud of you and you inspire me to do better.....to be stronger. Learn from my weakness, it doesn't feel good as you said nothing is going to change and that is the truth. You are doing the right thing....I will try again and again. hang in there!!! Do not break NC it isn't worth it.
Author AlaFlower Posted March 30, 2011 Author Posted March 30, 2011 well....I went to work too.....and on my lunch saw the red flashing light (I am not a gambler but can see how the flashing lights etc are addicting). I unlocked and sure enough....a "m y" and a "how r u". He fished and I am the biggest sucker out there. Totally broke nc and over what? Because I was happy to see he was thinking of me...stupid me. I can see this is going to be WAY harder than I thought. I agree with Siuys has written.....I won't be successful until I am ready for it to be over. I am so emotionally attached and so his he. I have missed him so much......ridiculous. My list, I didn't have my list with me. I will take it tomorrow with me. I am also going to leave my phone in my purse in the kitchen at work, so I can't check it without physically going out of my way. I feel like a loser breaking nc but knew b/c I feel so weak....I would. Alaflower...I am proud of you and you inspire me to do better.....to be stronger. Learn from my weakness, it doesn't feel good as you said nothing is going to change and that is the truth. You are doing the right thing....I will try again and again. hang in there!!! Do not break NC it isn't worth it. Don't be too hard on yourself... How did it feel when you were able to talk to him? What did he say? Was he glad you are back? Have you talked about why and what happened? I feel like giving up even though there is no point really... I feel more and more depressed and lonely. I was hanging out with friends after work but felt like I was alone in the whole world. It hasn't even been a week yet and I am whining like a little baby who needs his mommy back. Jeez... Wish it didn't hurt so bad. Mornings are the worst. I hate mornings. It takes everything I have not to text in the morning.
MLC64 Posted March 30, 2011 Posted March 30, 2011 Don't be too hard on yourself... How did it feel when you were able to talk to him? What did he say? Was he glad you are back? Have you talked about why and what happened? I feel like giving up even though there is no point really... I feel more and more depressed and lonely. I was hanging out with friends after work but felt like I was alone in the whole world. It hasn't even been a week yet and I am whining like a little baby who needs his mommy back. Jeez... Wish it didn't hurt so bad. Mornings are the worst. I hate mornings. It takes everything I have not to text in the morning. Alaflower...don't give up. It felt good to see the txts, the miss u's, blah blah....it is the "feel goods"...but it got me nowhere. Absolutely NO where. Haven't had a chance to talk to get things straightened out, so HUGE waste of my whole almost two days nc. It is going to be a weaning process..for sure and we need to expect it will suck. I wasn't prepared for how vulnerable I still am. I know he cares but at the end of the day, the situation is still what it is.....a very unhealthy one for all. Mornings suck as do the nights....but others here have done it....we can too!!! YOu are doing great!!! keep us posted....post here before you txt...
siuys Posted March 30, 2011 Posted March 30, 2011 hang in there ladies. remember it's withdrawal you are going through. sms, emails... don't go there. it will re-open the door, ie more hurt, more crap. You decided NC for a reason. Don't forget that reason. Yes, it will suck for a while, but that will pass. Stay strong and remember why you went NC. Feel good feelings are not enough. he makes you feel good does NOT mean he wants to be with you, or can commit.
Author AlaFlower Posted March 30, 2011 Author Posted March 30, 2011 Alaflower...don't give up. It felt good to see the txts, the miss u's, blah blah....it is the "feel goods"...but it got me nowhere. Absolutely NO where. Haven't had a chance to talk to get things straightened out, so HUGE waste of my whole almost two days nc. It is going to be a weaning process..for sure and we need to expect it will suck. I wasn't prepared for how vulnerable I still am. I know he cares but at the end of the day, the situation is still what it is.....a very unhealthy one for all. Mornings suck as do the nights....but others here have done it....we can too!!! YOu are doing great!!! keep us posted....post here before you txt... You have two good points there: the situation is still what it is and no honest discussion has occurred. And that's what has held me in NC so far. I would love love love to get to talk to him about things, but first of all I don't think he would tell me the truth about what's really going on, and second of all, I don't think he would even have enough time to talk things out. Which means at the end the situation would be even worse than before NC... I feel desperate and really want to talk to him, but I know I will get to hear another lies. I am sure he cares about me, but at the same time how can he really care if he knows it hurts me (and everyone involved) but doesn't do anything to change it. With that being said, I am still looking for excuses for him trying to find a legitimate reason why he has done what he has done as far as two of us are concerned. I must admit - I found a million of excuses why he couldn't leave at the first time when they got separated and came back. However, did he really leave that first time or he just told me he did? It's been a long time ago and I am sure he also had lots of chances to leave again if he wanted too. How long does it take to get finances straighten out? So it was obviously not the reason or not the only reason. I am typing all that but still have a bunch of excuses for him. Argh, I need to stop being an idiot...
Author AlaFlower Posted March 30, 2011 Author Posted March 30, 2011 hang in there ladies. remember it's withdrawal you are going through. sms, emails... don't go there. it will re-open the door, ie more hurt, more crap. You decided NC for a reason. Don't forget that reason. Yes, it will suck for a while, but that will pass. Stay strong and remember why you went NC. . That is the ugly truth. NC started for a reason. And that reason is still there... Even worse: that reason is not going to change no matter how many times we could go back and forth with NC. That reason is not going to change unless he really does things he has promised. Oh, right, it ain't gonna happen Feel good feelings are not enough. he makes you feel good does NOT mean he wants to be with you, or can commit. This is priceless. I am going to print it and put it on my wall. It's like a cold shower bringing me back to the reality
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