2sunny Posted April 16, 2011 Posted April 16, 2011 So tonight is the night she was supposed to have GNO at the gay bar. She gets home form work and I ask when she will be ready and want her lift. She says not to worry bout that cos her friend is tired so they will go to another bar just round the corner from our place. I say cool, in that case u mind if i take a break from study and pop in for a beer some. She asks when and i tell her idk i guess just when I feel I really need a break. yeah I know this is stupid but the sudden change in plans has me vaguely paranoid (though she must be retarded to think she can try and change plans last minute to a bar 50meters away and not expect me to consider tagging along). So who thinks this is some kind of ruse? should I go? Immediatey? wait an hr, 2hrs, what? why are you spending so much time and energy on a gal that hurts you? she's not trying to EARN your trust back. dump her. when she goes out - have the locks changed. don't speak to her ever again. sheez. why are you bothering? she's a complete dork! why would you want that for YOURSELF? pick someone who's HEALTHY and NICE!
Memphis Raines Posted April 18, 2011 Posted April 18, 2011 So tonight is the night she was supposed to have GNO at the gay bar. She gets home form work and I ask when she will be ready and want her lift. She says not to worry bout that cos her friend is tired so they will go to another bar just round the corner from our place. see, I knew it wasn't going to be isolated to the gay bar. just as I thought. I say cool, in that case u mind if i take a break from study and pop in for a beer some. She asks when and i tell her idk i guess just when I feel I really need a break. she wants to know when so that way she knows to stop her flirting, or whatever, before you get there. So who thinks this is some kind of ruse? should I go? Immediatey? wait an hr, 2hrs, what? well you can't go now and expect to catch her. you gave her the heads up. but does it really matter? I say you have already caught her. When you said you were going to pop in for a beer, her reaction should have been, "ok cool!" not. "when are you coming"
WorldIsYours Posted April 18, 2011 Posted April 18, 2011 see, I knew it wasn't going to be isolated to the gay bar. just as I thought. she wants to know when so that way she knows to stop her flirting, or whatever, before you get there. well you can't go now and expect to catch her. you gave her the heads up. but does it really matter? I say you have already caught her. When you said you were going to pop in for a beer, her reaction should have been, "ok cool!" not. "when are you coming" If she really wanted to be remorseful she wouldn't be going to clubs period. She would be trying to help her man heal. That's why we say he needs to leave her.
Memphis Raines Posted April 18, 2011 Posted April 18, 2011 If she really wanted to be remorseful she wouldn't be going to clubs period. I agree. there is a reason this is a routine with her, and it isn't because she simply likes drinking ONLY with her female friends. there is a reason people like her choose to live like they are single. She would be trying to help her man heal. That's why we say he needs to leave her. exactly. If I was doing something totally disrespectful and knew my actions were hurting my woman, I'd stop. i wouldn't be like, "oh, I know this hurts you, but sorry, I'm going to keep doing it anyway" If I felt the need to party all the time, then I don't need to be in a committed relationship.
seibert253 Posted April 18, 2011 Posted April 18, 2011 If she really wanted to be remorseful she wouldn't be going to clubs period. She would be trying to help her man heal. That's why we say he needs to leave her. ^^^^^^^ This
Author thatdog Posted April 20, 2011 Author Posted April 20, 2011 Any Update? Yeah well i ended up going after about 45 min and found her and her friend drinking and chatting alone at a table. Everything seemed ok and the pub ended up closing early. So the night ended shortly after I got there. Seemed ok enough. Next day we spent together and she suggested going out to dinner. Actually ended up a pretty good weekend after my initial freakout. TBH whilst I am still having occasional dark thoughts atm, most of what she has done and said in the past week or so has actually been quit positive. There's still some small things (which trigger my anxiety) but mostly they would be considered mildly inconsiderate or just stuff I noticed she/we used to do but don't/can't anymore.
Author thatdog Posted April 20, 2011 Author Posted April 20, 2011 Also two (maybe questionable but i like to view as positive in here treatment) things came up as well. She has told me about two work functions coming up and invited me to come along if I want and was ok with it (otherwise she won't go). And secondly she told me that as two people at the restaurant are going on vacation over the next month (one of which is the OM) she has been asked to work some extra shifts to help cover them as she really needs the money (quitting in June to go back to school). She told me this up front, said she hasn't said yes yet and won't if I'm not comfortable with it AND even though she thinks it's unnecessary, she understands I might have trust issues about it and since she works about 1km from where we live she has no problem with me wandering by every now and then to 'check up on things' provided I don't make it too obvious and embarrassing for her. And of course she will come home straight after her shift ends. this is encouraging right?
WorldIsYours Posted April 20, 2011 Posted April 20, 2011 Also two (maybe questionable but i like to view as positive in here treatment) things came up as well. She has told me about two work functions coming up and invited me to come along if I want and was ok with it (otherwise she won't go). And secondly she told me that as two people at the restaurant are going on vacation over the next month (one of which is the OM) she has been asked to work some extra shifts to help cover them as she really needs the money (quitting in June to go back to school). She told me this up front, said she hasn't said yes yet and won't if I'm not comfortable with it AND even though she thinks it's unnecessary, she understands I might have trust issues about it and since she works about 1km from where we live she has no problem with me wandering by every now and then to 'check up on things' provided I don't make it too obvious and embarrassing for her. And of course she will come home straight after her shift ends. this is encouraging right? You were doing fine, dude. Don't go off track. You keep doing this back and forth thing nobody will want to advise you for help anymore, if you're not willing to completely follow what was said to you. You have received plenty of helpful advice. We know you're going through withdrawal from this woman, from this marriage. That's natural and understandable because we've been there. But you must stick to your guns 100% or you're going to be stuck in the same spot. You know this woman is a death trap and is a master manipulator. You know what you must do.
2sunny Posted April 20, 2011 Posted April 20, 2011 so are you figuring on spending a lifetime checking up on her? that's what it will amount to in the long run. i'm left wondering why a gal would so often prefer to go sit at a bar having drinks when she COULD be home enjoying the person she says she loves? her behavior doesn't give evidence of have you as her priority. are you paying her way - or for anything? why is she staying if she prefers to go out drinking all the time? is she motivated by the money you pay her - or her rent or something? things don't add up.. let's say she wasn't living with you - where would she live - and how much more would it cost her than it's costing her now?
NervisPervis Posted April 20, 2011 Posted April 20, 2011 this is encouraging right? I don't know. It either is or she's a master manipulator. I'm not capabale of deciding. At best she still needed a GNO after what you'd been through, and not a "just us" weekend. At worst, she knew you still had problems with the gay club idea, either because you told her or realized you weren't stupid enough to beleive it was an innocent alternative. So instead they decided to go to the most innocent outing they could think of. They choose one close to you knowing you'd stop by and see how innocent their nights out are. Played on your insecurities. But that would be pretty manipulitive indeed. Cruel even. As far as future work plans, she either see's how it hurt you and has decided to make it work or she figured half the party's going out of town anyhow and she's going to be quitting soon, so I'll make him feel better for a while and make a little extra cash while he settles down. So, when she quits for school she either becomes that awesome SO you always knew she was deep inside, or she starts partying again. Only this time with a hip new sophisticated crowd. I know that didn't help at all. Just be careful. The hard part about this kind of thing is trying to make it work while still protecting yourself. It's hard to commit 100% when you're not sure, but it can't work without putting in 100%. Still didn't help...
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Author thatdog Posted April 20, 2011 Author Posted April 20, 2011 Thanks NP. yeah that's Pretty much where I've been the last few days. Had a good session with the MC today though where I was able to reiterate what I told her last week re: setting boundaries for the relationship so I know we are on the same page and she knows what my dealbreakers are etc. She took it well and other stuff went smoothly too. Good news is that when she goes back to Uni things a re much mre likely to settle down as she will be living off scholarship money only and have no money/time to go out anymore. Better News: her 'bad' friend is also going home for the holidays this week so she won't even have a clubbing partner for the next 3-4 weeks at least.
2sunny Posted April 21, 2011 Posted April 21, 2011 Thanks NP. yeah that's Pretty much where I've been the last few days. Had a good session with the MC today though where I was able to reiterate what I told her last week re: setting boundaries for the relationship so I know we are on the same page and she knows what my dealbreakers are etc. She took it well and other stuff went smoothly too. Good news is that when she goes back to Uni things a re much mre likely to settle down as she will be living off scholarship money only and have no money/time to go out anymore. Better News: her 'bad' friend is also going home for the holidays this week so she won't even have a clubbing partner for the next 3-4 weeks at least. this is really supposed to be the best and easiest time of your life with her. since all of your happiness with her is controlled by what she is/isn't doing - who she may/may not be keeping company with - i just can't understand why you hang on when it shouldn't be this difficult at this stage of the relationship. man - you act like she's the only gal on the planet! even IF she was - it still would be a lousy choice for you. she's totally dragging you down - and YOU are ALLOWING it. you never answered... are you paying for her? anything?
Author thatdog Posted April 21, 2011 Author Posted April 21, 2011 you never answered... are you paying for her? anything? Not really. We both pay equal shares of rent and bills. I do take her out sometimes but since atm I am a full time student and she isn't she often takes me out as well (We went to a pretty nice restaurant sunday and she paid. Though I'll shout the next one). I know I shouldn't be basing my attitude on hers. But I resolved to try and work things out and she has too. therefore I acknowledge there's going to be some trying time for a while as our relationship gets fixed. I'm not going to hold out like this forever though. I'm holding out for a couple of months and if things aren't back to normal then I'll know it's time to let go. Obviously if she starts reverting again before then this will all be over sooner as well.
StoneCold Posted April 27, 2011 Posted April 27, 2011 Dude.... Let me break it down for you.....shes fu*king that guy.....know this to be "true" Also..if I understand this correctly (I only skimmed this thread); you two went to therapy and there are rules? like you have veto power on her social life and access to her cell? You had to take back her ring too? IMHO dont you think that if a relationship gets to this point its pretty much a write off? You have the privalege of finding this stuff out now before you walk into a legally binding contract. Most find out after marriage which is far worse....dont do that to yourself I dunno man... IMHO I'd take that as my queue and bounce.....I'd be audi 5000
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