Eddie Edirol Posted March 26, 2011 Posted March 26, 2011 btw- I haven't had much response yet on what you guys think about the attraction thing. is it normal for people in ltrs to still sometimes meet people that they might like romantically and its just up to them what they do about it? I was talking to a friend about this yesterday and he told me that there was a girl at his work that was cute, funny and had heaps of stuff in common. he told me that whilst he never told his wife about her he didn't need to cos as soon as he discovered there might be an attraction he decided it was way to much ris to talk to her and as such has never spoken to her even in lunch breaks ever since and is thus completely comefortable and has no issues at all. You could have attractions, but the normal action is to not act on them like your friend did. Heres the real issue. Your gf decided to have her cake and eat it too. If she is telling the truth, she decided when you guys had that argument a year ago, she decided to go guy shopping to see if anything better was out there while engaged to you! She didnt find that, thats why she is trying to keep it going with you. What she did was more than just attraction to another guy. She was in the middle of emotionally checking out when you caught her, and is now trying to make herself look as innocent as she can. Shes not innocent, she was gearing up to drop you. Not only that her friends are blatantly conspiring against you so that she will have fun with them. Are her friends all single? Do not keep going with this girl, she lost her spark for you, in fact she threw it away, it doesnt come back just like that. Please dont stay with this woman.
Bryanp Posted March 26, 2011 Posted March 26, 2011 She is in total damage control. She was engaged to you and continued to hang with this guy for 10 months??? She blames it totally on her friend??? She knew it was wrong and continued and did not tell you because she did not want to hurt you???. She is putting a complete spin on this. If you are engaged to marry someone you don't lie and engage in this type of behavior. I am sorry buy she has been playing you for a complete fool. Why would you even wish to try to repair this relationship is beyond me. Her actions indicate that she had no respect for you or your engagement. If you do not respect yourself then who will? Time to move on and find someone who shares your values.
seibert253 Posted March 26, 2011 Posted March 26, 2011 Her friend is no friend to your relationship. For your relationship to be repaired and to prosper, her friend needs to be out of the picture. Also, she need not EVER have any contact WHATSOEVER, with the OM again. Period!
jnj express Posted March 27, 2011 Posted March 27, 2011 As to your question about attraction to others----if you are truly in love with someone---there is no one else---there is no attraction, there is nothing but your partner---that is if you are truly in love Later on attractions come---cuz things get to be boring, and the same old, same old---and the hot passionalte infatuation is gone---replaced by a mature love----then it is up to the partners and how they handle life when with someone in mge, or long term---cuz if the 2 don't keep things spiced up, then one of the partners actually might want to stray
PorkRinds Posted March 27, 2011 Posted March 27, 2011 Stop it. Just delete her. Completely, immediately. She is gangrene on your life and needs to be cleanly amputated with no regrets or this will entirely consume you and you will wasted years of your life and screw yourself up. This is not your fault. She's just a bad apple. The purpose of the engagement period is to give you time to see if this person is actually worthy of marriage. She's not. End it. End it. So you can't say you weren't warned. Twice.
Woggle Posted March 27, 2011 Posted March 27, 2011 Please do not marry this woman and just break if off. Not only is she a dishonest and lying cheat but there is a man hating friend enouraging her every move. Trust me when I say that this friend will make your life a nightmare.
dreamingoftigers Posted March 27, 2011 Posted March 27, 2011 Especially now that the friend doesn't like you.
ComputerJock Posted March 27, 2011 Posted March 27, 2011 Come on dude, you hang with someone for 10 months and you don't think they didn't have sex? Dude, get off those pills that are making you act stupid. 10 months? She was doing the dude and it may have even been a threesome.
TMCM Posted March 27, 2011 Posted March 27, 2011 Unfortunately, her keeping secrets from you shows that she does not trust you and/or feel safe enough to reveal her deepest thoughts and feelings. An engagement should only take place when the level of trust has reached a very high level. You may be wise to reconsider ending the engagement until there is unconditional mutual trust, backed by actions and not simply words on her part.
WorldIsYours Posted March 27, 2011 Posted March 27, 2011 Come on dude, you hang with someone for 10 months and you don't think they didn't have sex? Dude, get off those pills that are making you act stupid. 10 months? She was doing the dude and it may have even been a threesome. Agreed. This is why she cannot be trusted.
Sparty97 Posted March 27, 2011 Posted March 27, 2011 Dump her. But if you feel you must give it another shot, take a week or two then hire a PI to follow her around.
Author thatdog Posted March 28, 2011 Author Posted March 28, 2011 Ok so now she is gone. It's been helpful in more ways than one. I told her that even though she and I are both confessing to be willing to give things a go. I need time to heal from this situation and she obviously needs time away to think about what she has done and her emotions and to stop taking me for granted which she obviosuly has with this situation. After arguing about her 'friends' just trying to look out for her I must say it feels kinda good that she is now staying at MY friend's house for the next few weeks. As soon as things started to go pear shaped every one of my good friend's offered me a place to stay with them indefinitely if i felt I needed to get out (and in the case of my closest friends even said she could stay instead if i wanted to get her to leave instead, which is what is happening now). On the other hand not a single one of her so-called friends has even offered and he apparent 'best friend' (the one that helped start this mess) wouldn't offer her a couch to crash on even when asked. Her answer was along the lines of 'sorry that might be a bit difficult. But hurry up and sort things out with your bf so we can go drinking again'. It's hopefully helped her realise that these people she's been spending so much time with are 'good times friends' only. So anyway she is out now and we have still agreed to go to counseling together but not see each other outside of that for at least 2-3 weeks. when we will re-evaluate the situation. furthermore... she let me read through the rest of her outgoing texts on her phone and everything said there, whilst hurtful, did backup her claims that the A was never physical and that it was over and had been for about a week until i found out. There were also discussions with her friend about how upset she was about us and that she was positive about seeing the counselor next week to sort things out (these texts went back about 2 weeks BEFORE the stuff with this guy ended so I feel confident that whislt she f^$^ed up with keeping this from me she was at least feeling guilty and trying to get in the right headspace to fix things) Also I'm not sure where this 10 MONTH thing started in the the forum. If it had been going on that long i would have no illusion about something having happened. But as i said it went back to about the start of the year. and that's more like 10 weeks. That's still a pretty long time. But given the evidence at hand I think I can believe there's a good chance at least that nothing has happened. Final note also that has me a little further encouraged is that She has also (on her own volition) called her boss and told him that some emergency has come up and she won't be able to work her shifts at this place for at least the next couple of weeks. Something extra tough since she has also committed to continue paying rent and bills for our place even while she isn't living here (something she should obviously be doing but i imagine is not what a lot of ppl in her position would). You guys still keeping the same opinion that i'm an idiot and should cut all ties or do you think this is looking like enough to show genuine remorse and a willingness to change?
Woggle Posted March 28, 2011 Posted March 28, 2011 I don't know if it is genuine remorse or not but I know that people like this don't change overnight and if I were you I would just rather not deal with the drama. If you are going to work it out don't do it overnight. At least her know she has a real chance of losing you. If she has to work a little for it then she might not do it again. I also find it funny how the friend who loves to stir the pot is not there for her when she needs to deal with the fallout from those actions. That is usually how crap starters operate.
WorldIsYours Posted March 28, 2011 Posted March 28, 2011 Ok so now she is gone. It's been helpful in more ways than one. I told her that even though she and I are both confessing to be willing to give things a go. I need time to heal from this situation and she obviously needs time away to think about what she has done and her emotions and to stop taking me for granted which she obviosuly has with this situation. After arguing about her 'friends' just trying to look out for her I must say it feels kinda good that she is now staying at MY friend's house for the next few weeks. That doesn't mean that she can't go wander off and see this guy. As soon as things started to go pear shaped every one of my good friend's offered me a place to stay with them indefinitely if i felt I needed to get out (and in the case of my closest friends even said she could stay instead if i wanted to get her to leave instead, which is what is happening now). On the other hand not a single one of her so-called friends has even offered and he apparent 'best friend' (the one that helped start this mess) wouldn't offer her a couch to crash on even when asked. Her answer was along the lines of 'sorry that might be a bit difficult. But hurry up and sort things out with your bf so we can go drinking again'. It's hopefully helped her realise that these people she's been spending so much time with are 'good times friends' only. That's why her "friend" was never a friend in the first place. If your fiance really cared, she would stop having contact with her. So anyway she is out now and we have still agreed to go to counseling together but not see each other outside of that for at least 2-3 weeks. when we will re-evaluate the situation. Not a good idea dude. She may wander off and cheat or see him again. furthermore... she let me read through the rest of her outgoing texts on her phone and everything said there, whilst hurtful, did backup her claims that the A was never physical and that it was over and had been for about a week until i found out. There were also discussions with her friend about how upset she was about us and that she was positive about seeing the counselor next week to sort things out (these texts went back about 2 weeks BEFORE the stuff with this guy ended so I feel confident that whislt she f^$^ed up with keeping this from me she was at least feeling guilty and trying to get in the right headspace to fix things) How do you know she hasn't deleted some of those texts that showed she had sex with that guy. Here you have your fiance, who's been seeing this guy for almost a whole year, and her cheating "friend" encouraging her every move. And not to mention that she kept this from you and refused to tell you everything. She's a liar and a cheater dude. She screwed that guy. You guys still keeping the same opinion that i'm an idiot and should cut all ties or do you think this is looking like enough to show genuine remorse and a willingness to change? You're not an idiot in any way, dude. Remember that. I think you're just confused and hurt about the situation, and she's probably trying to make her seem innocent in your eyes. From what you've told us it would be best that you call it off altogether. She's been lying and keeping this from you, and she still contacted the hoe who played her in the end. Find someone more mature. I know you're hurt and you planned on marrying her but she is not the one.
Author thatdog Posted March 28, 2011 Author Posted March 28, 2011 "That doesn't mean that she can't go wander off and see this guy." - true. But it will be difficult when she is living about an hour away, and neither of them have a car, and my mate will know something's up if she is out of the house for extended periods outside of her work hours. I still just have to trust this won't happen though. "That's why her "friend" was never a friend in the first place. If your fiance really cared, she would stop having contact with her." - said she will not go drinking with her friend until this is resolved and again can't really cos my mates will otice if she comes stumbling in the door at 3am. from what i've seen of their friendship if there isn't booze and men involved then there is no friendship. "How do you know she hasn't deleted some of those texts that showed she had sex with that guy." - I have a pretty uncanny ability with numbers. When I first checked found out i made note of how many texts there were in the folder and when a checked again they matched. though admittedly she could have deleted them well before it doesn;t make sense that she would have left the other incriminating evidence on her phone before she knew i was checking it. Also there were texts dated a few weeks ago saying something along the lines of 'i can't believe I almost fell for that guy. He is such a d-bag. Good thing I came to my senses before I did anything stupid.' Also a message that said almost exactly (translated by a friend from japanese) 'yeah I know he is so hot, but he is also young and immature. If i did anything it would be stupid and over in a short time but what i Have with my fiance is much more serious'. "who's been seeing this guy for almost a whole year" - as I said. Idk where this 'almost a year' thing started. It's been since early january, and only became a serious issue around mid feb. (serious as in not just looking at him and talking during work but actively trying find reasont o spend more time with him to the complete detriment of our relationship.).
WorldIsYours Posted March 28, 2011 Posted March 28, 2011 "That doesn't mean that she can't go wander off and see this guy." - true. But it will be difficult when she is living about an hour away, and neither of them have a car, and my mate will know something's up if she is out of the house for extended periods outside of her work hours. I still just have to trust this won't happen though. Well if you have to watch her like she's some kid then there's really no need to even be with her. This just shows she cannot be trusted. "That's why her "friend" was never a friend in the first place. If your fiance really cared, she would stop having contact with her." - said she will not go drinking with her friend until this is resolved and again can't really cos my mates will otice if she comes stumbling in the door at 3am. from what i've seen of their friendship if there isn't booze and men involved then there is no friendship. Doesn't matter if she's just drinking buddies or not. She's trouble and if she cared about you she would cease contact with her. A real friendship with someone who's possibly getting married don't drink a lot and hang out/cheat with men all the time. though admittedly she could have deleted them well before it doesn;t make sense that she would have left the other incriminating evidence on her phone before she knew i was checking it. Cheaters are known to trickle-truth their betrayed partner/spouse. Also there were texts dated a few weeks ago saying something along the lines of 'i can't believe I almost fell for that guy. He is such a d-bag. Good thing I came to my senses before I did anything stupid.' Also a message that said almost exactly (translated by a friend from japanese) 'yeah I know he is so hot, but he is also young and immature. If i did anything it would be stupid and over in a short time but what i Have with my fiance is much more serious'. That's the evidence right there that tells you she's not the one. If someone's seriously considering getting married and having kids (which is a pretty big thing) they don't spend time being immature with everyone else, texting their cheating buddies about how hot some guy is and how they almost screwed them. That's not someone who's seriously showing commitment. That's someone who's immature and cheating. "who's been seeing this guy for almost a whole year" - as I said. Idk where this 'almost a year' thing started. It's been since early january, and only became a serious issue around mid feb. (serious as in not just looking at him and talking during work but actively trying find reasont o spend more time with him to the complete detriment of our relationship.). So like we said, this woman lied to you. If she's been trying to hook up with him for a while, that shows how she's not innocent and that she knew what she was doing was wrong, but did not care about her relationship with you. How much more evidence do you need? She's a manipulator and capable of lying, cheating and sneaking around on you. There's a lot more to this story than she's telling you, and that little "friend" of hers knows the whole story.
ComputerJock Posted March 28, 2011 Posted March 28, 2011 thatdog - give it six months and then see where you are. If you still have the gut feeling she isn't a woman who could be faithful, then you know what to do. A RED FLAG for me is her going out and partying with that group. Is she the kind of woman you want for a wife, lover, and mother to your children? Better cut the loss now, then a costly and hurtful divorce later down the road. It's your call, but I get a bad feeling about her actions. She says she stopped it this time, but will she next time, yes there will be a next time. Good Luck and remember we are here because we have been down the same road.
Author thatdog Posted March 30, 2011 Author Posted March 30, 2011 thatdog - give it six months and then see where you are. If you still have the gut feeling she isn't a woman who could be faithful, then you know what to do. A RED FLAG for me is her going out and partying with that group. Is she the kind of woman you want for a wife, lover, and mother to your children? Better cut the loss now, then a costly and hurtful divorce later down the road. It's your call, but I get a bad feeling about her actions. She says she stopped it this time, but will she next time, yes there will be a next time. Good Luck and remember we are here because we have been down the same road. I'm willing to give it 3-6 months and see where we are PROVIDED she is willing to come clean completely and agree to set some permanent boundaries on her social life (much less drinking, cut off ties with that group unless she is willing to let me join in as well and obv still NC with the OM). We have our first counseling session tomorrow arvo so hopefully that will help bring everything out and start the resolution process.
ComputerJock Posted March 30, 2011 Posted March 30, 2011 TDog, please keep posting how things are going. You have now become a veteran and your advice and experience can help others. I still read here expecially when I get a trigger and feel the hurt and pain again. Your needed here for the new posters.
Memphis Raines Posted March 30, 2011 Posted March 30, 2011 You guys still keeping the same opinion that i'm an idiot and should cut all ties or do you think this is looking like enough to show genuine remorse and a willingness to change? no, don't think you are an idiot, but do think you should cut all ties. we've been there before. and genuine remorse is enough for forgiveness, but not enough, in my opinion, to keep someone that cheats. the chances, remorse or not, that a cheater will repeat is going to be high. Not guaranteed, but high. If you want to take that risk, be my guest. But I can tell you this won't be the last bit of b******t you'll have to put up with her.
Memphis Raines Posted March 30, 2011 Posted March 30, 2011 We have our first counseling session tomorrow arvo so hopefully that will help bring everything out and start the resolution process. Even though I am not a fan of counseling, for married couples, since divorce isn't always so easy, I can see. But why bother going to counseling with someone you aren't married to? If that is the kind of starting off you have with someone in the first place, why even think about getting married if its bad enough to consider counseling?
Author thatdog Posted March 31, 2011 Author Posted March 31, 2011 Even though I am not a fan of counseling, for married couples, since divorce isn't always so easy, I can see. But why bother going to counseling with someone you aren't married to? If that is the kind of starting off you have with someone in the first place, why even think about getting married if its bad enough to consider counseling? Since reading the forums here and talking to my own counselor, reading books etc. it seems to me like the cause of this situation and her actions (which i think i can forgive but still can't condone) is her emotional immaturity. My thoughts are that if this is the case and the EA happened because she wasn't psychologically 'ready' for this kind of commitment, then counseling will at leas thelp her and she will probably never be able to commit properly with anyone unless she resolves her issues. Why should I have my heart broken for her to realise she needs to deal with these things. Then go off and start a fulfilling relationship with someone else after she has grown stronger from the fallout from this one? If the counseling can help her fix her issues then maybe we can have another chance to start again. ANyhow... I just got back from the first session. Didn't go as well as I had hoped but at least we both feel like we have some forward momentum. Whislt she said after it felt a bit silly cos it was just like talking to a friend about it, she was much more open and candid than she had been with me before or her friends I think. We will go back again seperately next week for private sessions. The counselor has basically decided that the big problem here is her and her ability to deal with difficult emotions and situations. She admitted that a lot of what she said when admitting fault over her actions with me were basically 'this is too difficult to deal with. If i just say sorry it was my fault it will be over faster'. At least now she admitted that and shows willingness to go back and work on it so she came come up with an answer thats good for her. She also agreed with the counselor to tell me everything about the EA and she did over coffee after. I still (stupidly?) just really miss her though. Since we have separate sessions next week I will not get to see her again for a fortnight and its already killing me inside. I've been up tilla bout 4am every night this week cos i can;t deal with not having her there with me and knowing she won't be there in the morning either. This coming Monday is out anniversary and I'm really dreading how bad that is going to be....
FlorinP Posted March 31, 2011 Posted March 31, 2011 Plz help me : http://helpmegetmarried.blogspot.com/
whammy Posted April 2, 2011 Posted April 2, 2011 Since reading the forums here and talking to my own counselor, reading books etc. it seems to me like the cause of this situation and her actions (which i think i can forgive but still can't condone) is her emotional immaturity. My thoughts are that if this is the case and the EA happened because she wasn't psychologically 'ready' for this kind of commitment, then counseling will at leas thelp her and she will probably never be able to commit properly with anyone unless she resolves her issues. Why should I have my heart broken for her to realise she needs to deal with these things. Then go off and start a fulfilling relationship with someone else after she has grown stronger from the fallout from this one? If the counseling can help her fix her issues then maybe we can have another chance to start again. ANyhow... I just got back from the first session. Didn't go as well as I had hoped but at least we both feel like we have some forward momentum. Whislt she said after it felt a bit silly cos it was just like talking to a friend about it, she was much more open and candid than she had been with me before or her friends I think. We will go back again seperately next week for private sessions. The counselor has basically decided that the big problem here is her and her ability to deal with difficult emotions and situations. She admitted that a lot of what she said when admitting fault over her actions with me were basically 'this is too difficult to deal with. If i just say sorry it was my fault it will be over faster'. At least now she admitted that and shows willingness to go back and work on it so she came come up with an answer thats good for her. She also agreed with the counselor to tell me everything about the EA and she did over coffee after. I still (stupidly?) just really miss her though. Since we have separate sessions next week I will not get to see her again for a fortnight and its already killing me inside. I've been up tilla bout 4am every night this week cos i can;t deal with not having her there with me and knowing she won't be there in the morning either. This coming Monday is out anniversary and I'm really dreading how bad that is going to be.... blah blah blah. a women that is in love doesnt even notice other men. a women in love would not have an affair, emotional, or otherwise because she is only interested you. that is it...she cared about him...probably more than she cared at you at that point. You can shine it up with all the psychology you can muster.
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