If My Mom Were Not Alive...Yasuandio Speaks & Offers Apologies

[Yasuandio]

Yesterday evening, disappearing myself actually seemed like an interesting idea, until I considered my Mom is still living. Thankfully, I see one of my therapists tomorrow morning. I will inform her that this is how I'm feeling, but I have no intentions on acting on it, I promise. I'm not asking anyone to feel sorry for me, I'm just letting you know where I'm at. As I know a host of you have been here, and understand. It's no excuse, however, for other things I'd like to say on this thread.

 

Sometimes, I don't even know myself anymore. I am normally very kind, compassiate, and slow to anger. But here on LS, I can see a clear pattern of my draconian methods of expression (cases in point, what_next, dreamingoftigers, and any other posters I offended with my "rude-tude") I'm really not pleased nor proud of my entries, and I wish I could take them back.

 

And I will state right now, on the record, to both of these comitted LS members, "what_next" and "dreamingoftigers," I truly regret my slaugterhouse responses, reactions, and posts to you or about you. I am very, very sorry. And I offer my heartfelt apologies. Yas

 

Has anyone ever experienced something like this? It seems all I'm doing is offering apologies. My behavior is totally out of character. I even screamed at my sweet 89 year old mother, and I'm too ashamed to talk to her.

 

Is this what moving into the detachment or acceptance stage entails??? What the heck is wrong with me? I mean, I certainly am well medicated for anxiety and depression. This behavior seems to coralate with my realization that I must "let go," detach, and accept the divorce. As well, for my own Health considerations, I can no longer, EVER, have another contact with this man again due to my hurt, pain, and addiction to this man.

 

OMG When I saw my post at the top of our page I am just horrified. I'm tring to do the right thing, but it totally looks like I'm calling attention to myself which was not the intent at all. And there is no way to edit the title!!! Have I caught narcissism from my husband?

 

Please, no comment necessary. Just let this post go to "Last Page Heaven."

Edited March 25, 2011 by Yasuandio

[worldgonewrong]

You're going to be OK, Yas.

You are loved.

[Yasuandio]

Thank you WGW. I am, like, totally in tears.

[What_Next]

FWIW Yas I hold no ill will towards you whatsoever. None. I'd hazard to say almost all members of LS when they first come here are far from "themselves" whatever that is. I know when I first came here I was so far from the person I am today.

 

Most of us here are in pain and when we are in pain we react out of character, we lash out, we act like wounded animals. Protectionism maybe, who knows.

 

Yas, continue to post, and continue to apologize when you think you need to, but first and foremost speak the truth, the truth as it comes from the heart. Don't sugar coat it, don't tell someone what they WANT to hear, but rather what they NEED to hear.

 

If in some small way unleashing on me has helped you, then I would happily bare that. I plan on sticking around here on LS as this place helped me so much; it can help you as well if you let it.

 

Chin up, life goes on.

[tobydog1]

Dear Yas,

 

We all have days when we think this, it passes and it will for you too.

I am always here for you, you have given me so many wise words and comfort in the past few months. I could not do without you!

 

We are all changed as a result of our heartbreak. I get really ratty at times but am not so much lately, I can cope with things a bit better. I have bad days too of course, days when I just cry and cry and hate my life.....but we have to carry on.

I never thought I would go out again but tomorrow we are going to a nature reserve to bird watch...I love bird watching!

You will do stuff when you are ready, it's all very well saying go and do this and salsa dance but when you feel like **** it's impossible. It will happen and take time.

 

We all heal at different rates......and have setbacks and etc etc

 

I would not wish this on my worst enemy!

 

Take care Yas

 

Debxxx

[worlybear]

Lotsa hugs- here for you.:bunny::bunny:

[tobydog1]

Hope you are OK my bear!

Dxxx

[Yasuandio]

Thank you so much Worlybear, hugs are always welcome!

[Yasuandio]

FWIW Yas I hold no ill will towards you whatsoever. None. I'd hazard to say almost all members of LS when they first come here are far from "themselves" whatever that is. I know when I first came here I was so far from the person I am today.

 

Most of us here are in pain and when we are in pain we react out of character, we lash out, we act like wounded animals. Protectionism maybe, who knows.

 

Yas, continue to post, and continue to apologize when you think you need to, but first and foremost speak the truth, the truth as it comes from the heart. Don't sugar coat it, don't tell someone what they WANT to hear, but rather what they NEED to hear.

 

If in some small way unleashing on me has helped you, then I would happily bare that. I plan on sticking around here on LS as this place helped me so much; it can help you as well if you let it.

 

Chin up, life goes on.

 

 

Dear What_Next,

I am stunned, and feel quite undeserving of your most magnanimous response

to my apology. Nonetheless, I want you to know how much better you made me feel about myself. Thank you for your kind, considerate, and thoughtful reply.

Edited March 25, 2011 by Yasuandio

[Yasuandio]

Dear Yas,

 

We all have days when we think this, it passes and it will for you too.

I am always here for you, you have given me so many wise words and comfort in the past few months. I could not do without you!

 

We are all changed as a result of our heartbreak. I get really ratty at times but am not so much lately, I can cope with things a bit better. I have bad days too of course, days when I just cry and cry and hate my life.....but we have to carry on.

I never thought I would go out again but tomorrow we are going to a nature reserve to bird watch...I love bird watching!

You will do stuff when you are ready, it's all very well saying go and do this and salsa dance but when you feel like **** it's impossible. It will happen and take time.

 

We all heal at different rates......and have setbacks and etc etc

 

I would not wish this on my worst enemy!

 

Take care Yas

 

Debxxx

 

I appreciate and certainly can relate to ALL of the above. It really helps to know that I'm not the only one resonding like this. It also is rewarding learn some of my smart-assed posts could be of use!

[dreamingoftigers]

Wish I would have responded to this thread sooner!

Thank you for your posting, it takes courage to bring to light one's own quirks or out of character behaviour.

 

I have done posting where afterwards I wish I could edit it out. (Damn timer)

 

Upfront I realized that there was a possibility of misunderstanding but after 3 posts responding to it, just decided to let it go. Chalked it up to something situational or triggering. None of us is perfect.

 

I once recorded a conversation between myself and my husband where he acted like a total jackass, when I played it back I noticed that he didn't sound as harsh as he did in the moment now that I was sitting outside of the conversation. (I also noticed that my voice sounds much more horrible then I thought!) Sometimes when our brain takes in information, it slants it.

 

Honestly it sounds like you have some heavy grief going on and I am sure that you will pull through. The people on here will be happy to support you through that time. You mentioned that you are medicated but there are still some other symptoms going on.

 

My father has complex issues that were much worse 18 months ago (really really insufferable actually). He when to one of the Amen Clinics for a spectral scan and has been following up with the recommendations ever since. He is a completely different person. I trust him (for the most part) with my 2 year old daughter now. She really likes him too! He is a much better grandfather then he ever was a father (for sure).

 

If one of the Amen Clinics is out of reach, perhaps reading one of his books would be tremendously helpful. Many people don't realize that mental/emotional issues have a physiological cause a high percentage of the time and so need to be physiologically corrected for a normal life to resume.

 

I myself would LOVE to have a brain scan

 

Either way, apology accepted and happy posting.

[You Go Girl]

Yasuandio,

 

I've been there. I'm sure you are a very likable person, so remember that, ok? More than likely your sensitivity makes you more likable than a majority of people.

You can pm me anytime, I check in every couple days.

 

Don't over-apologize. This site is a mess of opinions, many shot from the hip!

[debtman]

Yesterday evening, disappearing myself actually seemed like an interesting idea, until I considered my Mom is still living.

 

Even if your mom wasn't still alive, don't ever forget that you DO have value, you DO have something to offer people and think back on the amazing moments you HAVE had in your life and KNOW that there are more of those in store for you.

 

We've all gone through what are bound to be the most painful, emotional, depressing times we've ever faced, but, life is STILL what you make of it. I try to stay positive every day and surround myself with positive people, thoughts and situations, but it doesn't always work and I find myself depressed, lonely and angry but I remind myself to SNAP OUT OF IT because life is too damn precious to waste it like that. And NO ONE is worth me getting upset over the decisions they made. I can't change them anyway.

 

Yas, always remember, this is a temporary situation. You have incredible times ahead of you...don't miss out on them.

 

You've helped many people here...you will help many more...and, you will help yourself...you're worth it.

 

Good luck and keep posting...

[tojaz]

Yas, as a guy who seems to regularly draw fire from posters, believe me it is not unusual, and actually a very important part of the healing process. Its quite the tall order to try and make sense of all the emotions involved and still be able to maintain our own ideals. What we all are going through, have gone through, or are considering, is a stressor like no other and eventually that is going to show itself in one form or another. It happens to us all.

 

What rarely happens is this...

 

Sometimes, I don't even know myself anymore. I am normally very kind, compassiate, and slow to anger. But here on LS, I can see a clear pattern of my draconian methods of expression (cases in point, what_next, dreamingoftigers, and any other posters I offended with my "rude-tude") I'm really not pleased nor proud of my entries, and I wish I could take them back.

 

 

... and I hope you give yourself much credit here. To actually see the effect that all this stress is having on you is about as good a sign as any that I can think of and truly seperates those that are going to get past and those that are going to let the hurt own them forever. I know it doesn't seem like a good thing, but believe me it is, if you want proof, look at any long standing thread here.

 

I'm never going to call what we are going through a positive thing, but the true survivors of divorce are the ones that can take something so devastating, learn from it, use it, and find a better understanding. You have that Yas not just in this thread but in a lot of your previous posts as well! Good luck Yas, were all pulling for you. HUGS!

 

TOJAZ

[dreamingoftigers]

I agree with the above post.

[trippi1432]

Hey Carol...like I said in my PM..no harm. What we say here is probably closer to the truth than we will ever get...it's raw..it is our feelings...let them out so you can heal from the pain.

 

Besides, I have had my own a*sinine moments myself...ha ha...

[Yasuandio]

WGW was right. I am astonished and humbled to recieve such resonses from the esteemed LS membership. I actually feel like I belong to something. I'm speechless, when most times Im in a non-stop manic drag race. When people respond to you, unnecessarily, and just for you, as if you were special, that is really a wonderful feeling, even if it is on line. Thank you, Debtman, dreamingoftigers, yougogirl, what_next, WGW, Tojaz, Tobydog, and worlybear. You all have given me a different, more positive outlook on things.

[dreamingoftigers]

Jeepers, a happy non-critical loveshack poster, pinch me.