Tapioka Posted March 24, 2011 Posted March 24, 2011 Right. First of all sorry for my English, i live in UK, but I was born in another country. Less than 3 years ago I met a man on Dating site, after loads of strange ppl over there he seemed just normal, nice, shy, trustworthy somehow... Was nothing vulgar ever in his letters and after few months he invited me with my son to visit him and spend in UK summer holidays.. We came at the beginning of June and everything was wonderful between us three. He was great caring man with me..My little son first time in his life had a sort of fathers fugure, someone to play football with.. After month we decided we would like to live together as a family and I got pregnant. My first reaction was a shock, like no back plans anymore, noowhere to run if something wil happened, like I trapped..But he was happy, confident, wanted that child..He was never been married before and would be nice for me to have a baby before 40 , he told.. i went back home to sort documents and returned few months later already as a bride. we got married. we got a fantastic son. everything was great, except from birth of child he slept in separate room "as I need to have clear head for my job" Anyway we still had great sex, nice relathionship, etc After a year sleeping separetly(well, not sleeping because of little son) I started to get with drawn, felt lonely, he would come from work, eat and..towards TV..Or play with HIS son. My son, our older child was not welcome anymore..things started to go bad really slowly, like a snowball, day after day we were drifting away, not willing to talk, well, I always like to talk but he didnt like listen. All he wanted - res after work, his son, his food, his clean clothes and his sex. This summer I went to visit my mum to my homeland. My relatives didnt see my little son..He (my husband) took us over, stayed for week and returned to work. At the end of the summer after 5 weeks being away I came back.. No hugs and kiss for me at airport...nothing warm. He was irritated, shouting at me in the car as I was sick after flight..I was dying from headache, was vomiting he was shouting and shouting in disgust.. 2 next months I was just stupid and blind to see clear that his "irritation", his night shifts meant that while I was away he started to see someone else.. I discovered accidently..Once tried to take phone from his arms when he slept, he ran away, closed himself in the bathroom, came out an hour later, when deleted everything from there... Lots of lie..Like..someone after me, i didnt want to show u, its embarassing, etc.. Honestly, I beleived.. Or wanted to beleive..Than again..Night shift constantly..phone in hide, then ANOTHER phone felt from pants right in front of my older son.. He said.."collegue from work after me..but NO NO NO..nothing happened..we married ppl, just sms" On Christmas he sent us away in Spain to my sister..Saying "I will be working all holidays, dont want you be alone".. I came back...Nothing changed..Except more lie,. And more lie. And more.. Few times I kicked him out of the house, few times tried to go away myself..Where?.. On the street..He returned me with police.. I have no friends here, no relatives, he put charges in court behind my back on case if I will try to go back home with our son..I would never do it..But he did it behind my back while was crying for forgivness 3 weeks apart.. He withdrawn charges next day but you know..I felt few more knives in my heart Now..I can't forgive him, I dont see where Im standing..I know the woman he was with, ugly, miserable woman, who first cheated on her husband, then left husband for lover and started to cheat on lover with..my husband.. When he tries to hug me I see him holding her skinny body and kissing her long teeth...God! I feel I never knew him, that all good things were a dream, or he played a role.. I feel like my kids are down. One - he just got a "father" and he betrayed his mum and him, another, our common, loves his Daddy so much..but I cant stay near Cant stay near, have nowhere to go, totally dependant from him financially.. Trying to speak normally, but want or cry, or run away, or be sarcastic, cynical I cant be normal anymore..He saw in winter how deppressed I was, that i was seeing doctors for tablets from depression, i didnt sleep, i didnt eat, I couldnt talk to kids even, ruine, not a person..he saw it and kept going seeing other woman I told him "tell me truth, maybe it will releif" but no His position "I love you, I dont want divorce, it was nothing phisical, just sms, I never at home at night as I work all nights, I applied to court as I was scared to loose my son if you will go menthal, etc" He NEVER admited he was cheating.. he says "I did a lot of bad things to you, Im sorry, now lets put al behind".. Sorry for long messy story, i never even told it anyone..just have constant conversations in my tired brain..which cant take anymore.. Web of lies.. Im 24/7 with kids..All months..weekends..stucked here like in a prison where he brings food few hours per every few days...Getting crazy
Author Tapioka Posted March 25, 2011 Author Posted March 25, 2011 (edited) Hi there.. I already came to point of last stage of humaliation as now im thinking that noone wants to comment my post because Im a foreigner(outsider) here Maybe thats why my husband was(is) cheating.. Meanwhile I at least have read lots of threads with some similar stories..realised that its all about confession more and less because forgivness can come(or not come) only afterwards.. My H never confessed, always denies everything, never wants to answer any questions, getting angry, storming out of the room if I start ask, on all my questions, sentences, idea to leave him one answer" we will go through this, its over, i love you" But im going through all this by myself, plus somehow must find strength for kids which I dont have I started to talk to him in sms so he wouldnt run away and read it..All my WHY - his words "I know" Its like deaf talking to blind..He will never go for counselling, but "he loves me to bits" He never admits of sleeping with that..Woman.//But "ITS over" He every time says lots of little minor things that dont click together and then would explain that Im making him crazy, he is too tired When I said I will go and talk to his girlfriend he went ballistic, was saying that "his wife will not go "fight" , my wife is better than that, its not you" And things like that, I think he badly afraids I will talk to her But to be honest I will not be able look at her or even hear her voice..She was organising our wedding...smiling to my face, was so sweet and helpful. Just like she was afterwards with my H while I was away with kids Its strange..Im younger H on 9 years, much more good-looking, educated, interesting than he is and still...Man wants probably someone naitive and equal..with no accent.. Than why to scream here about his deep love and "no divorces in this family" Nightmare Edited March 25, 2011 by Tapioka
blueroses10 Posted March 25, 2011 Posted March 25, 2011 Don't blame yourself for what your husband is doing to you. It has nothing to do with you being foreign. People cheat whether their spouses are foreign or native. Please try to find someone to talk to as in a counselor or a trusted relative or friend. It might even be wise to seek legal help regarding your children. Your husband seems to be manipulating the situation with the son you share and taking advantage of the fact that you are alone and foreign to some of what is going on in your situation. ALso just know that a lot of cheaters feel like they will lie to the very end. If their spouse doesn't see them with their own eyes, then it didn't happen. Even if they are actually caught, then gaslighting begins so your story is pretty much the same as most of the rest here with a few variables. Some of the more advanced members will be along to give you better advice than I can give you. I didn't want you to feel ignored or like no one cared because you said you were foreign. Whatever you do, take care of yourself and your kids so your husband doesn't have that to use against you in anyway. Hugs and good luck to you.
Frank13 Posted March 25, 2011 Posted March 25, 2011 (edited) Hi there.. I already came to point of last stage of humaliation as now im thinking that noone wants to comment my post because Im a foreigner(outsider) here. No Tapioka, that is so untrue. There are no foreigners here. We are all people looking for help, advice, a place to vent, or a shoulder to cry on. You are as welcome here as anyone else. I believe the reason no one has commented is because your situation is very complex. There are multiple issues and no easy solutions. There are a lot of wonderful people here. You just need to give it time for people to think about your situation or for someone with a similar experience to come across your message. You write wonderfully and I understood everything you said. For someone to know more than one language and be able to communicate with them is amazing to me. You are so smart. Don't ever feel bad about your English. Many native English language people cannot write anywhere as well as you can and make many mistakes. I would love to be able to communicate as well in another language as well as you do. I would suggest doing as you have been doing with searches for people who were in a similar situation. Sometimes it helps just to see you are not alone and that others have been through something similar. I know you are hurting but please give it some time for people to see your message. You are a beautiful person. If your husband is cheating, that's because he is a jerk. If he doesn't want to be with you he should tell you and let you find someone who will love you for the wonderful person that you are. Hugs to you. Edited March 25, 2011 by Frank13
Author Tapioka Posted March 25, 2011 Author Posted March 25, 2011 First of all - Frank13 and blueroses10 thanks so much you noticed me I even cried when I saw replies on my post. Blueroses, you are right, he is one who will go till the end in lies unfortunetely, leaving me with no choice and oxygen to breath.. Few days ago I accidently again have found among old cheques one from 18th of December, he bought perfum "Angel"..Not for me obviously, for HER as Christmas present. His present for me was to buy tickets and send us away in "warmth" during Christmas and New year.. He DENIES that cheque is his, he "doesnt know" how cheque happened to be in his papers.. and even if you would tortutre him by water and fire(which I almost did by words) he still "didnt do ANYTHING" Once he came with pluged eyebrows and dyed them absolurtely black.. When I said its horrible and why for God sake he did it he answered "for my interviewrs", but never had any job offer Once I went out for weekend to my friend in another town - when i returned discovered his best clothes gone from the house..Response same "for job interviews" My head is spinning from the ammount big and little lies and I already cant find where it began and seems it is leading into multiply dimensions, because when I pull one thread another ugly truth shows its face, till eternity I tried to speak to his parents but they turned their back on me, he told them Im insane(was taking sertraline becuaese of HIM), that Im insulting him(called him bastard, idiot and f...r , who wouldntt!! I went through phase of quit shock to very angry phase, where I slapped his face few times(with great pleasure) I know..Ladies dont fight, dont say bad words, ladies suffer with dignity.. But I think i became reflection of Indignity..Even to cheat possible somehow in not such an ugly way..Or be a man afterwards..Saying "I did this and that, I dont love you"..But..no... Now he says "its all up to you, I dont want divorce for kids sake and for yours as well.... Im happy I have found this site, its much better to feel other ppl UNDERSTAND what you feel.... Friends..busy with their lives, health, kids, etc, i never felt anyone would interested to listen if not to help
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