grecian Posted March 24, 2011 Posted March 24, 2011 Is there anyone else out there who has the same views as I do? Do you want your future husband/wife to be someone you just can't live without? Someone who is always on your mind and you love with all your heart and you expect the same from him/her? Do you think there are people out there who give 100% of themselves to their spouse?
Kelemort Posted March 24, 2011 Posted March 24, 2011 I think that what you're describing is infatuation and it's just not possible. I never want to be so entwined with somebody that their loss from my life would cripple me. People should be well-balanced in their lives in general, and any one component's removal should not cause them to collapse. I don't say that as, "Yeah, you can be in love but not really," but there's a difference between healthy love and unhealthy love. As for giving yourself 100% of the time all of the time...that's also a bit of a stretch. It's easy in those first weeks or months to be there 24/7, throw flowers at her, wine and dine her...but that takes up a lot of energy and time and if we all did that for the rest of our lives, we would be so exhausted we would never accomplish anything else. It's important at least to have your partner on your mind often, and to love that person. But love changes all of the time; it grows, it wanes, it's created and it's destroyed. And just because it's not all-consuming doesn't mean it's any less "love."
january2011 Posted March 24, 2011 Posted March 24, 2011 Is there anyone else out there who has the same views as I do? Do you want your future husband/wife to be someone you just can't live without? Someone who is always on your mind and you love with all your heart and you expect the same from him/her? Do you think there are people out there who give 100% of themselves to their spouse? You are what you are and you want what you want. If it makes you happy and you don't mind that you're limiting your potential pool of partners because of what you are and what you want, then I don't see why you should change. However, no, I don't want my future spouse to be someone I can't live without. All relationships end. And we must carry on as best we can when that happens. I also don't want my spouse to be always on my mind nor to love them with all my heart because I want to have room in my mind and heart for other things and other people. Yes, there are people out there who give 100% (or near enough) of themselves to their spouse but I personally don't think it's healthy and from what I've seen and experienced, usually ends in a lot of heartache for someone. A quote that I like that relates to this topic is, "you're not my whole world but you're the best part of it."
Author grecian Posted March 24, 2011 Author Posted March 24, 2011 I also put as a priority my kids and husband higher than i do my own interests and my friends. Do you think that's not good for me? How does someone becomes less selfless?? I do agree that it causes problems for me and that it does hurt me that i don't get the same from the other person. But, how should i bring that balance without feeling i'm doing something wrong??
january2011 Posted March 24, 2011 Posted March 24, 2011 If your self-protection mechanisms don't kick in at all when you're being taken for granted, then it may take a huge devastating shock where you hit rock bottom, pretty much lose everything and have to start again. In my experience, if you can survive that kind of 'slap in the face'/'wipe the slate clean' experience and manage to rebuild your life, then you usually stand a pretty good chance of creating good boundaries and maintaining them. Rather drastic though. But some people need that kind of life-changing experience before they 'wake up and smell the coffee'.
Author grecian Posted March 24, 2011 Author Posted March 24, 2011 And how the heck do i not make myself be taken for granted? The thing is that i like to take care of my man, cook, be affectionate and all that good stuff. Don't get me wrong, if i don't like something i speak up, but in general i show my love for my man in any way i can. It's not really taking energy out of me, i do enjoy it. The man i have in my life right now loves me and he does show it to me in many ways as well. I can see though that he is not willing to give up some things even when we get married. I'm trying to be reasonable, i don't create problems when there's none; but i gotta admit it kinda bugs me 'cause i see that he doesn't see things exactly the same way i do. How do you think i should deal with it? Am i looking at the tree and missing the forest? Maybe i should get one of those self-help books; any suggestions??
anne1707 Posted March 24, 2011 Posted March 24, 2011 The man i have in my life right now loves me and he does show it to me in many ways as well. I can see though that he is not willing to give up some things even when we get married. This stood out to me. What kind of things are there that you think he should give up if you got married? And why is that?
Recommended Posts