Husband had Affair

[mysonya]

I am so confused over what to do. Any advice would be greatly appreciated. Below is my story.

 

In December my husband of 16 years came to me and told me he was having an affair and that he thought he was in love with the woman. I was completely devastated. I knew we had issues, but I didnt realize that he was so unhappy or that the affair was even going on. We have 2 children, our oldest is 5 and our youngest is 2. I immediately told him to get out. He held on to me and said that he didnt want to leave that he would call the affair off. We cried together and talked for a long time about what was going on. He wouldnt tell me who the affair was with, but I had my suspisions. Two days later he told me he was going to take her out to dinner and tell her it was over with. During dinner they decided to take a break until after the 1st of the year to see if they could work things out with their respective spouses. Oh yes she was married with 2 children as well.

 

I was livid! How dare they?!?!?!?!?!? I told him exactly how I felt and what a complete piece of **** they both were. The day before Christmas I caught them together. I was fit to be tied but decided to try and keep the peace through Christmas. After Christmas I learned her identity. My first thought was that I should contact her husband and let him know what was going on. My H flipped when he found out I knew who his mistress was. He said that if I told her H that he would leave. That he wouldnt stay and try to work things out. I complied.

 

After the first of the year H moved out for us to take a healing seperation. The mistress' H did find out about the affair and made her end it . Both H and I started counseling seperately to try and work on ourselves so that we could then come together to work on the marriage. Since the affair was over I had high hopes that we would be able to mend our marriage and move on. I was sooooo wrong.

 

I had a feeling that he was still be less than truthly to me. I hired a PI. Come to find out he was seeing another woman that I had no idea about. I was furious. I confronted him and gave him an ultamatum....It was going to be me and his children or his women. He couldnt have both. He told me that he loved me, but that he didnt feel as though he was inlove with me, he missed me but wasnt ready to come home, and that he didnt want a divorce. He said he was confused and really didnt know what he wanted. BTW.....he was diagnosed by his therapist as a Sex addict and severe depression. He has refused to take any medication for either.

 

I am at the end of my rope. I am raising 2 children by myself, working full time, and trying to take care of the finances and the bills while he lives the single life. He sees the children whenever he wants and comes and goes as he pleases. He is not living at home with us at the moment and I feel that is a huge problem. I have told him It is either Me and the kids or the other women. I will no longer tolerate his behavior.

 

I would love advice from anyone who has been through this. I am not sure how much time I should give him to make a decision.

Thanks is advance

[Ballerfamily]

If you stay with this serial cheater, you are in for heartache for as long as he stays around.

 

1. serial

2. not remorseful

3. wants time with 2nd

4. there is prolly a 3rd

 

 

Yikes. Your self-esteem must be on empty. God Bless

 

PS: He will turn vengeful, and screw you royally in divorce. That you can count on. Protect yourself now. (Study narcissism)

 

You listed quite a few of NPD traits. get out now while you can standing up. He is pretending to want you so he can get his self-preservation in order. that you can count on. these kind are the worse. if a man tells you of affair, and still wants to seperate, its over

Edited March 24, 2011 by Ballerfamily

[mystice]

wow i have to say as a married woman myself w a hb thats a pig as well im not married as long as u were but for a man to do this to u even tho ur the mother of his 2 kids unbelievable he is not worth ur time, honestly. ur better off without him bc if u guys would get back together ur making ur self miserable thinking bout what he did.. am i right or not. i know it must be hard to raise 2 kids alone but everything gets worse before it gets better. believe me

[Ballerfamily]

Serial is pretty much the line in the sand. they are pretty much incurable.

 

ACTIONS....... DO NOT BELIEVE ONE WORD HE UTTERS FROM HIS LIPS

 

do not act crazy....... you will regret it....... been there

 

see a lawyer immediately

[mysonya]

I have consulted an attorney. I have given him an ultamatum. It is he either wants me and our kids or he wants his whores. I will not tolerate his behavior any longer. Thanks for the advice and support!

[PegNosePete]

He is a serial cheater. He will not stop cheating on you.

He will lie and lie and lie.

Do not take him back. Forget the ultimatum. He will tell you he wants you back, and in a month it will start all over again.

 

Sometimes a marriage can be fixed after cheating. Sometimes it can't. I'm sorry to say this is a case of the latter. He is showing no remorse whatsoever and is lying, lying, lying. Consult the attorney and get a divorce.

[Steadfast]

This man isn't just cheating, he's a cheat. There's a difference. Being a cheat means it's what he is, not just what he's doing. He's evolved into this.

 

It's too late to go back and change them, but you made several mistakes up to this point. Allowing him to protect the identity of his lover (while you and your kids twist in the wind) was one, granting a "healing" separation (what a crock) was another, as was caving into his threats. The good news is it isn't too late to learn from your mistakes and correct them now. I don't know what he was before or could eventually become, but as of right now this man is a loser. Narcissist? Maybe...I'm thinking more entitlist, with a healthy dose of spoiled baby thrown in for flavor.

 

Dump him. Believe only 20% of what you see and nothing that comes out of his mouth. He's lied so much, he's believing them himself.

 

Continue with the legal course, set up court-ordered temporary visitation and support and physically/emotionally lock him out when it's not his turn. No conversations, no bellyaching, no 'I'm sorry/I love you/don't do this to us.' He'll try it all in an attempt to control you and keep you available, which has been his ace in the hole...his foundation for playing the player.

 

His only hope to someday become is good person is a slam dunk of reality. By taking action and tossing him, you're actually doing him a favor.

 

For you? Take the time to heal. Focus on your kids, keeping the budget, resting and exercise. It helps to have someone (or a group of friends) to lean on when you're feeling down or weak. And there's always LS too. I know it is hard, but listen to the voice of experience; leave this behind.

[Yasuandio]

I've been studying Narcissism for a long time. Being the "supply source" for a Narcissist, my husband, for over 25 years, I naturally didn't want to believe the literature. It took me about 3 years to get through a very difficult book by Sam Vatkin, entitled "Malignant Self Love." Vatkin is an admitted Narcissist himself, which made for an interesting read. There were only 2 pages about the Narcissist in Court.

 

For me, this was a setting where I could not step in, I could not cover up, clean up, restate, fix, undo damage, explain, or counter-question. Husband was on his truely own, naked, for me and the courtroom to observe. He was loud, defensive, grandious, said what HE wanted say (in loud proclomations, repeatedly referring to my lawyer as "MADAM") rather than answering questions. I was really ashamed for him. The judge just let him go on since it was so entertaining. Classic Narcissist. That was the day I believed it 100%.

 

I've been kidding myself for over 25 years. What you describe sounds like Narcissism. You can read a lot of Vatkin's material for free on line. There is no reason to try to digest that expensive book (Vatkin uses entirely too many unnecesary and obscure adjectives/descriptors that just keep repeating themselves. Many words he used were not even in my dictionaries, and I spent a lot of time looking up stuff!).

 

A Narcissist over the years can reek havok on your self esteem. This is already happening to you. Case in point, the breaks you've given him (the "old you" probably would not have tolerated: couple of days, supposedly wants to take her to the Last Supper, lack of disclosure, etc.). There is no cure for this disorder. Because the Narcissist always believes they know more than any professional.

 

I gave you the Court example because even though I read and read, I just didn't get it in my personal life and relationship. For some reason, I resisted applying the theories. But that day in Court my eyes really opened up, and I could finially see what the literature was speaking to. As well, the effects on me are painfully clear.

 

Please look up some of the basic definitions, behaviors, potential outcomes of living a life with a Narcissist, so you will at least know what kind of animal you are dealing with if this happens to be the case.

Edited March 27, 2011 by Yasuandio

[Ballerfamily]

I've been studying Narcissism for a long time. Being the "supply source" for a Narcissist, my husband, for over 25 years, I naturally didn't want to believe the literature. It took me about 3 years to get through a very difficult book by Sam Vatkin, entitled "Malignant Self Love." Vatkin is an admitted Narcissist himself, which made for an interesting read. There were only 2 pages about the Narcissist in Court.

 

For me, this was a setting where I could not step in, I could not cover up, clean up, restate, fix, undo damage, explain, or counter-question. Husband was on his truely own, naked, for me and the courtroom to observe. He was loud, defensive, grandious, said what HE wanted say (in loud proclomations, repeatedly referring to my lawyer as "MADAM") rather than answering questions. I was really ashamed for him. The judge just let him go on since it was so entertaining. Classic Narcissist. That was the day I believed it 100%.

 

I've been kidding myself for over 25 years. What you describe sounds like Narcissism. You can read a lot of Vatkin's material for free on line. There is no reason to try to digest that expensive book (Vatkin uses entirely too many unnecesary and obscure adjectives/descriptors that just keep repeating themselves. Many words he used were not even in my dictionaries, and I spent a lot of time looking up stuff!).

 

A Narcissist over the years can reek havok on your self esteem. This is already happening to you. Case in point, the breaks you've given him (the "old you" probably would not have tolerated: couple of days, supposedly wants to take her to the Last Supper, lack of disclosure, etc.). There is no cure for this disorder. Because the Narcissist always believes they know more than any professional.

 

I gave you the Court example because even though I read and read, I just didn't get it in my personal life and relationship. For some reason, I resisted applying the theories. But that day in Court my eyes really opened up, and I could finially see what the literature was speaking to. As well, the effects on me are painfully clear.

 

Please look up some of the basic definitions, behaviors, potential outcomes of living a life with a Narcissist, so you will at least know what kind of animal you are dealing with if this happens to be the case.

 

Being their supply for years, and then being totally depleted in the end. And for me, I struggled for years trying to figure out this crazy, inexplicable behavior. The Professional comment, spot on. My ex makes fun of counselors and anyone that writes or talks of the subject....

 

OP....

Does your husband have old, loyal friends? Or is he continually making new friends? When I realized how my EX disposed of her friends over the years and mine, it really started making sense. Friends eventually see through the facsade. We the victims seem to have blinders or just don't understand. I was in amazement for years of this disorder. I didn't know there was a name for this kind of behavior. It would have saved me years of angst and sleepless nights

 

Funny..... I told my ex when I learned of narcissim that it was an unbearable burden lifted off my shoulders..... she of course said I was crazy, and do I think she is a sociapath.... made me feel bad for finally understanding.... and I exposed her and her cheating....and did she do a number on me....never,ever, tell them

 

Her side of the family will not speak to me. I've never asked, but I can only imagine the stuff she told them to justify herself. Can only imagine.... She made me into a madman for awhile trying to convince her of the problem.....yowza...what a mistake.

 

One thing she can not explain away though is that I'm a great dad, and my boys want to be with me as much as possible, and my oldest(20) stays away from her as much as possible. In-laws can be so oblivious(or just not wanting to stir the fire) when they are victims of their own daughter gas-lighting them.

Edited March 27, 2011 by Ballerfamily