joanofarc Posted March 24, 2011 Posted March 24, 2011 First of all let me start by saying the cliche thing, that I have never posted on a site and this is slightly intimidating to me. But I would like an unbiased opinion by people who do not know me and can just look at the facts and give me their opinion. I started dating a guy in November and things were going really well. The only thing of concern was that perhaps he still went out a little too much with the boys and a few of our dates ended with us at a bar with his friends.. But, he always made time for me and I figured at some point he would grow out of the phase. He had voiced that he was pretty much winding down that part of his life. We had really great chemistry, he was really funny. We could make each other laugh and always had great fun even if it was just sitting at home watching tv or going out on an informal date. It always felt special. He met my family, and I met part of his. He met my friends and visa versa. We were close emotionally and physically. He called nearly every day. He told me the most exciting part of his day was when he would see me. Fast forward to last week. He became distant. We were supposed to meet up after I had dinner with friends (St Patty's day weekend). He was going out with friends to bars and didn't really like me being part of that scene since I don't like drinking. (Although he had taken me many times beforehand). I called him at 1030pm, no answer. Repeat this about 5 or 6 times of not answering or texting back. I stay with my friends and am rather confused. I just told them what a great guy he was and how he was always there for me. Finally at 130am he calls me and meets me where my friends are. He is DRUNK.He barely knows where he is and acts like an idiot. I had seen him drunk before but never this bad. He was a total jerk to me and would not explain why he didn't contact me till 130. He woke up the next morning the guy I knew before. He was a perfect gentleman and we spent the whole day together. The next week was rough....I couldn't get his past behavior out of my head. The next weekend we spent together. I ended up getting mildly ill on Saturday while at his house. He still made plans with his friends and left me at his place. I was taking antibiotics and by 130am they had made me violently ill. I called him, and he said he would get in a cab and come home. He didn't show up until 430 am. I was furious. I looked on his computer, logged on his email account and found that he had been on a dating site and was actively emailing girls. I couldn't bring myself to read the messages. But, he was active from March 6th. I was devastating. i confronted him right away and he at first denied it. Then when I brought him in the room, he broke down and cried. I didn't. I was too angry. He couldn't say sorry enough and tell me he was selfish and stupid and he didn't deserve me. He would do anything for me. He said he had been dumped by an ex off guard and that he was scared I would do this to him. He said since that girl he has not been in a relationship and he was scared. I don't know if it was the medication or that I was sick/tired but I accepted his apology and said if you delete that site, i could try to forgive him. Then, when he went to sleep, I looked through his phone. He had gotten a number from a girl the day he ignored me. He never called her. Just sent a text nice to meet you. I really examined his phone and there was no further communication between the two. Then, I found a text from a girl he had had sex with while dating me. We were not officially together at the time. But, we were intimate and he had sex with her the same day he saw me. Now this really hurt me. I confronted him right away, again. More tears, more shame, more I'm sorries. He never contacted any of the girls online via phone or met them out. And once we were official, he never saw the girl he had sex with again. (Although he did call her once, but from her text she said call back and he never did) His phone history dated back to January so I could investigate pretty well. Now normally saying sorry or crying, would not be enough. But, I have never seen someone so upset in all my life. This guy is not very emotional, but I watched him cry for a whole day. He couldn't even look at me without crying. He said he would never do this to anyone again because he could never see the hurt he caused in someone's eyes again. He told me he needed to make a lot of changes in life. He was going to stop drinking, stop cheating and start going to church. He promised me even if it meant we would not get back together he would do this for HIM because he has to live with this for the rest of his life. Honestly, I have been to funerals where people cried less and held up better. This man was a wreck. He had to call off from his VERY important job the next day. Something he has never done before. We spent the day together because even though he totally screwed me over I couldn't leave him this way....And I was emotionally exhausted from watching someone so distraught. So, he has something of mine (house key). He would like to return it to me and gave the possibility of meeting up. He said he would like this to be at least a month so that he can start to change and I can start to heal. So, do I see him again and perhaps give it another try or just say send it in the mail. As much as I am totally upset with him, I DO believe he is VERY remorseful. And, yes despite the pain I still very much care for him and miss him every day. We are 100% broken up now with no chance of getting back together from what I've voiced to him. Should it stay that way?
ComputerJock Posted March 25, 2011 Posted March 25, 2011 Sounds like a serial cheater. Crying is a good way to get a girl back when you've cheated on them. Have him mail you the key and go to counsling for yourself.
PegNosePete Posted March 25, 2011 Posted March 25, 2011 me he was selfish and stupid and he didn't deserve me. I would agree with him. He is selfish and stupid and he does not deserve someone who is kind and honest and trusting. You deserve better than this. Ditch this serial cheating idiot. He is a player. How do you think he would react if your situations were reversed? You've only been together a couple of months and he is already cheating. There is NO future to this relationship. He WILL do it again if you give him the chance. So, he has something of mine (house key) .... So, do I see him again and perhaps give it another try or just say send it in the mail. No, just change the locks, he might have made copies of the key. Then never speak to this arsehole again. Complete NC. You don't need idiots like this in your life.
ComputerJock Posted March 25, 2011 Posted March 25, 2011 Yeah, your right, didn't think of him making a copy. Changed the locks and lock him out of your apartment and your life.
Author joanofarc Posted March 25, 2011 Author Posted March 25, 2011 I think I will go NC and change my locks. He is supposed to get in touch with me about the key situation but I will just not answer or call back....It's best in the end to just let my heart heal. I am glad I get out before he could REALLY hurt me. Not sure it could hurt anymore....
Author joanofarc Posted March 25, 2011 Author Posted March 25, 2011 so thank you for reading such a long winded post:)!
DollyGirl12 Posted March 25, 2011 Posted March 25, 2011 Felt so bad for you when I read this post. Went through the same thing with my ex,,,and boy does it hurt. To many excuses being made. You deserve much better. Look at yourself in the mirror every single day and tell yourself that.
Woman In Blue Posted March 25, 2011 Posted March 25, 2011 I ended up getting mildly ill on Saturday while at his house. He still made plans with his friends and left me at his place. I was taking antibiotics and by 130am they had made me violently ill. I called him, and he said he would get in a cab and come home. He didn't show up until 430 am. What a COMPLETE jackass. He claims he'd do ANYTHING for you? The little weasel couldn't even come HOME when you called him and told him you were having a serious reaction to your meds - and he'd do anything for you? What a spineless little LOSER. Just the fact that you were staying at his house and this piece of sh*t made plans to go out with his friends and leave you there alone says ALOT. And his drama-filled crying show was PATHETIC, just like him. What a douche. Seriously. The guy's a complete douche. I hope you DO cut this loser off at the knees. And whatever you do, don't let the lying little yard gnome back into your life. He's a complete waste of skin.
Author joanofarc Posted March 27, 2011 Author Posted March 27, 2011 Thank you for all the advice. Wishing I could stop myself from feeling like garbage, used and disrespected. Wish I could say I knew something was up, but I didn't...I still miss him which is perhaps the creakiest part about this whole thing! Can't imagine hearing myself say such a thing before this happened to me!
ComputerJock Posted March 27, 2011 Posted March 27, 2011 You need to stop thinking about him and concentrate on yourself, go to movies, call up girl friends, check out singles groups in your area, go to movies, concerts, whatever you can find to do to keep him out of your mind.
dreamingoftigers Posted March 27, 2011 Posted March 27, 2011 DO. NOT. LOOK. BACK. You caught yourself a live one! The Cheating Chameleon. Honestly he probably does have a ton of feelings and affection for you, but someone who's issues like that show up this early in the dating game is really really in some dire need of help. He is not going to be able to fix himself up, he needs some serious counseling. The end. Do not go back, do not. Do not get your key from him, don't see him, don't let him tell you that he is scared etc. Lots of people are scared, Hell I am scared, my marriage is pretty damn rocky, it's scary, cheating isn't going to make it any less scary! No online dating site is going to make the magic happen between me and my husband (unless that magic is seeing some sparks fly, or making one Marriage Certificate disappear.) The fact that he said that in itself should tell you something, that when he is scared, he acts impulsively with sex. Not your knight in shining armor, eh? Block out what he says, he can lie like a rug. I am married to a sex addict, I should design a line of ear muffs for spouses like me. If the words and the actions don't match, either the words or the actions aren't credible. My money is on the words being a bunch of ****. I picked the wrong side of that a few too many times. Hear nothing, watch everything.
dreamingoftigers Posted March 27, 2011 Posted March 27, 2011 Thank you for all the advice. Wishing I could stop myself from feeling like garbage, used and disrespected. Wish I could say I knew something was up, but I didn't...I still miss him which is perhaps the creakiest part about this whole thing! Can't imagine hearing myself say such a thing before this happened to me! You never think that you would miss someone that would do that to you. Truth is, these guys have a real busted template, they feel one way but the sex doesn't line up. They want to be close to one woman but the intimacy is so freaky that it causes major anxiety. (No you can't fix this). It's kind of like the movie Alien. He is a nice enough dude, but he's got this thing that is going to come out and really mess you up if you don't get out of there.
DollyGirl12 Posted March 27, 2011 Posted March 27, 2011 Thank you for all the advice. Wishing I could stop myself from feeling like garbage, used and disrespected. Wish I could say I knew something was up, but I didn't...I still miss him which is perhaps the creakiest part about this whole thing! Can't imagine hearing myself say such a thing before this happened to me! Yes, this can leave someone feeling really crappy about themselves. Every single time you feel that way you need to turn it around. He is the one that is lacking character. And how can you respect him? Feel better!
DollyGirl12 Posted March 27, 2011 Posted March 27, 2011 DO. NOT. LOOK. BACK. You caught yourself a live one! The Cheating Chameleon. Honestly he probably does have a ton of feelings and affection for you, but someone who's issues like that show up this early in the dating game is really really in some dire need of help. He is not going to be able to fix himself up, he needs some serious counseling. The end. Do not go back, do not. Do not get your key from him, don't see him, don't let him tell you that he is scared etc. Lots of people are scared, Hell I am scared, my marriage is pretty damn rocky, it's scary, cheating isn't going to make it any less scary! No online dating site is going to make the magic happen between me and my husband (unless that magic is seeing some sparks fly, or making one Marriage Certificate disappear.) The fact that he said that in itself should tell you something, that when he is scared, he acts impulsively with sex. Not your knight in shining armor, eh? Block out what he says, he can lie like a rug. I am married to a sex addict, I should design a line of ear muffs for spouses like me. If the words and the actions don't match, either the words or the actions aren't credible. My money is on the words being a bunch of ****. I picked the wrong side of that a few too many times. Hear nothing, watch everything. Listen very carefully to her post. Perfect dreamoftigers. My exbf was exactly this. The Cheating Chameleon. What I found is that he had been doing it to his ex as well. The dating sites, craigslist, calls to escort services, just all very disgusting. And to think, I was the one that he wanted a future with. NOOO, this kind of behavior DOES NOT CHANGE, no matter how nice they seem, no matter who they are with. When I found out he was doing it he lied and lied through his teeth. Never did apologize for come forward with any honesty. I went to counseling to work on me when I ended things with him. I would wager to bet that he didn't spend 5 minutes with a therapist, unless it was someone he was trying to hook up with online!
Author joanofarc Posted March 27, 2011 Author Posted March 27, 2011 There are just mixed feelings because he said he wouldn't give excuses, apologized 109 times and said it wasn't my fault.... It was him....he didn't go out Friday night which is rare for him. He said he would change and go see a priest ( or maybe counselor) for his problem. He said he doesn't deserve me because he hurt me and couldn't put me through staying with someone who has cheated.
ComputerJock Posted March 27, 2011 Posted March 27, 2011 Yes he said all that to you, and her, and her , and the other girl. His got his line out and trolling for anyone dumb enough to fall for it. His a con artist.
dreamingoftigers Posted March 27, 2011 Posted March 27, 2011 Listen very carefully to her post. Perfect dreamoftigers. My exbf was exactly this. The Cheating Chameleon. What I found is that he had been doing it to his ex as well. The dating sites, craigslist, calls to escort services, just all very disgusting. And to think, I was the one that he wanted a future with. NOOO, this kind of behavior DOES NOT CHANGE, no matter how nice they seem, no matter who they are with. When I found out he was doing it he lied and lied through his teeth. Never did apologize for come forward with any honesty. I went to counseling to work on me when I ended things with him. I would wager to bet that he didn't spend 5 minutes with a therapist, unless it was someone he was trying to hook up with online! They can change but the work is intensive and they need to do it and be motivated to do it. There are just mixed feelings because he said he wouldn't give excuses, apologized 109 times and said it wasn't my fault.... It was him....he didn't go out Friday night which is rare for him. He said he would change and go see a priest ( or maybe counselor) for his problem. He said he doesn't deserve me because he hurt me and couldn't put me through staying with someone who has cheated. Listen up. DO. NOT. GO. BACK. He has a classic attachment disorder. The work that it takes to fix that is more then a regular counselor or priest can help him with. Plus when he is that internally dishonest, he will not be able to be honest and transparent with you. I am married to one. I thought he was a saint. That does not mean that his feelings for you aren't genuine. In fact, they probably are and he doesn't understand why this is happening to him where he can't get his act together. He may think that it is "just being a guy" or whatever. Or any stupid justification. At this point he is unhealthy and does not deserve to be with anyone. He can go for EMDR therapy, he can go join a recovery group, he can read up about sexual compulsion etc. but it is WORK. And you do not have anywhere near enough time and energy invested to building a relationship with this guy to stay by through that. You aren't married, you don't have a kid and it has been months not years. Simply put: he isn't condemned to a life of lonliness and unfufilling relationships but he does have at least a couple of years of introspective work to do if he wants to have a healthy relationship. You cannot build a relationship on this foundation at this time. By the time he would be a healthy partner you probably should have long moved on and found a healthier relationship. His "alien" will lie and lie and lie and lie. He may tell you the truth about his issues and open up and seek forgiveness etc. Forgive him, recognize that he has an issue that he has to deal with before he can be involved with anyone. Move on, quickly. Do not invest anymore in this emotionally because it will be damned unhealthy for you. You are in no way at fault for ending this. You don't even have to dislike the guy, but know that he cannot connect with you in a meaningful way with the 'alien' inside him. Seriously, you don't go out on dates and stuff when the alien could pop out of his stomach and rip your arm off! There are feelings of love and like, and then there is just plain stupidity!
Author joanofarc Posted March 27, 2011 Author Posted March 27, 2011 Thank you so much... I keep teetering on this because I truly am a sympathetic person. And although I feel sorry for him, no way I would go back. I'm not a stupid person, just perhaps a bit too trusting. I never experienced a man like this before. My past relationships may not have been perfect but they were all honest men and at the end of the day I can say I respect them as people. Thank you all for your support, I know I can get through this!
seeker2010 Posted April 2, 2011 Posted April 2, 2011 Should it stay that way? Yes. You won't forget and it takes *years* to get over cheating in a committed relationship with a lot of history built up. Even then, it's extremely difficult. You don't have that foundation. He should have brought up all those conflicting emotions with you, and given your relationship an honest beginning. He didn't. I hope, for his sake, he can take all of that emotion learning into the next relationship he has. Get your house key and tell him you'll be around, and send him off to get therapy.
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