joanofarc Posted March 24, 2011 Posted March 24, 2011 First of all let me start by saying the cliche thing, that I have never posted on a site and this is slightly intimidating to me. But I would like an unbiased opinion by people who do not know me and can just look at the facts and give me their opinion. I started dating a guy in November and things were going really well. The only thing of concern was that perhaps he still went out a little too much with the boys and weekends seemed to revolve around bars. But, he always made time for me and I figured at some point he would grow out of the phase. He had voiced that he was pretty much winding down that part of his life. We had really great chemistry, he was really funny. We could make each other laugh and always had great fun even if it was just sitting at home watching tv or going out on an informal date. It always felt special. He met my family, and I met part of his. He met my friends and visa versa. We were close emotionally and physically. He called nearly every day. He told me the most exciting part of his day was when he would see me. Fast forward to last week. He became distant. We were supposed to meet up after I had dinner with friends (St Patty's day weekend). He was going out with friends to bars and didn't really like me being part of that scene since I don't like drinking. (Although he had taken me many times beforehand). I called him at 1030pm, no answer. Repeat this about 5 or 6 times of not answering or texting back. I stay with my friends and am rather confused. I just told them what a great guy he was and how he was always there for me. Finally at 130am he calls me and meets me where my friends are. He is DRUNK.He barely knows where he is and acts like an idiot. I had seen him drunk before but never this bad. He was a total jerk to me and would not explain why he didn't contact me till 130. He woke up the next morning the guy I knew before. He was a perfect gentleman and we spent the whole day together. The next week was rough....I couldn't get his past behavior out of my head. The next weekend we spent together. I ended up getting mildly ill on Saturday while at his house. He still made plans with his friends and left me at his place. I was taking antibiotics and by 130am they had made me violently ill. I called him, and he said he would get in a cab and come home. He didn't show up until 430 am. I was furious. I looked on his computer, logged on his email account and found that he had been on a dating site and was actively emailing girls. I couldn't bring myself to read the messages. But, he was active from March 6th. I was devastating. i confronted him right away and he at first denied it. Then when I brought him in the room, he broke down and cried. I didn't. I was too angry. He couldn't say sorry enough and tell me he was selfish and stupid and he didn't deserve me. He would do anything for me. He said he had been dumped by an ex off guard and that he was scared I would do this to him. He said since that girl he has not been in a relationship and he was scared. I don't know if it was the medication or that I was sick/tired but I accepted his apology and said if you delete that site, i could try to forgive him. Then, when he went to sleep, I looked through his phone. He had gotten a number from a girl the day he ignored me. He never called her. Just sent a text nice to meet you. I really examined his phone and there was no further communication between the two. Then, I found a text from a girl he had had sex with while dating me. We were not officially together at the time. But, we were intimate and he had sex with her the same day he saw me. Now this really hurt me. I confronted him right away, again. More tears, more shame, more I'm sorries. He never contacted any of the girls online via phone or made contact. And once we were official, he never saw the girl he had sex with again. (Although he did call her once, but from her text she said call back and he never did) His phone history dated back to January so I could investigate pretty well. Now normally saying sorry or crying, would not be enough. But, I have never seen someone so upset in all my life. This guy is not very emotional, but I watched him cry for a whole day. He couldn't even look at me without crying. He said he would never do this to anyone again because he could never see the hurt he caused in someone's eyes again. He told me he needed to make a lot of changes in life. He was going to stop drinking, stop cheating and start going to church. He promised me even if it meant we would not get back together he would do this for HIM because he has to live with this for the rest of his life. Honestly, I have been to funerals where people cried less and held up better. This man was a wreck. He had to call off from his VERY important job the next day. Something he has never done before. He said even the next day was difficult. So, he has something of mine (house key). He would like to return it to me and gave the possibility of meeting up. He said he would like this to be at least a month so that he can start to change and I can start to heal. So, do I see him again and perhaps give it another try or just say send it in the mail. As much as I am totally upset with him, I DO believe he is VERY remorseful. And, yes despite the pain I still very much care for him and miss him every day. We are 100% broken up now with no chance of getting back together from what I've voiced to him. Should it stay that way?
KikiW Posted March 24, 2011 Posted March 24, 2011 (edited) Yes, walk away. You CAN leave a door open for him, if he would like to pursue an ADULT, MATURE relationship with you, but he obviously has some more wild oats to sow. That he's been hurt before is understandable, you don't go through life without getting hurt sometimes, but getting onto dating sites, even to just "look around" tells me he's not ready for a REAL relationship. He's looking to play the field a bit. The fact that he's putting going out to bars as a priority over how you're feeling again shows his level of maturity. If he was really slowing down, he would have stayed home with you and made you a bowl of soup. It's a relatively new relationship, so easier to cut the strings now. Again, he might be ready for a relationship at some point, but it's not now. Sorry, I apparently skimmed a bit too much (my bad). It sounds like you are on the right track - you pulled the brakes and are keeping boundaries, while he has time to work crap out for himself. He has to PROVE he's changed before you should consider starting new with him though. Good luck! Edited March 24, 2011 by KikiW
Author joanofarc Posted March 24, 2011 Author Posted March 24, 2011 (edited) Thank you, yes he did put bars before me. I really think the core of his problem is the drinking and that leads him to bad behavior. Although, I doubt he was emailing girls on the online site from a bar..... I think another upsetting thing is he told me he only wanted to date me and I agreed. So, not only did he cheat on me he made me miss opportunities to play field myself and perhaps be with someone who truly only wanted me. I asked him a few times if he was sure.... I don't have too many problems saying goodbye, but this one was tough. It was tough because he cried and said he was sorry and that he wished he could undo the past. He said that being hurt wasn't an excuse, it was just what he was thinking. And, he said time and time again what he did was rotten and I should hate him forever and he didn't even deserve to be in the same room as me. (A bit dramatic) He said his heart wanted to beg my forgiveness so I would take him back but his head wanted to let me go so that I wouldn't have to be with someone I could never trust again. Is a month enough time to sort out my feelings and his problems? I know I quit smoking a few years ago and it took at least 3 months before I could say I full committed to quitting. (Not a really fair comparison but it was my only addiction) Edited March 24, 2011 by joanofarc wrong word
UnsureinSeattle Posted March 24, 2011 Posted March 24, 2011 Honestly? If it were me, I'd say "Please mail me my house key" and be done with it. Are you 100% broken up? I guess that's up to you. But he would have to prove to you why you should take him back thru his actions- crying simply isn't enough, you know? Best of luck.
bloppy Posted March 24, 2011 Posted March 24, 2011 If I had known of my H's cheating ways before I married & had children with him I would have run like the wind! Not that I don't love him & my children but nobody deserves the pain of being cheated on. Drinking is no excuse.
KikiW Posted March 24, 2011 Posted March 24, 2011 I'd personally give it a little more than a month. Problem is, does he have friends that do NOT go out and drink, or are they all in that scene? And just remember, he cried after he got CAUGHT and couldn't wiggle out of it. Tell him you'd like to see him, but it's not a good idea right now. Have him mail you the key, or just change the lock.
Author joanofarc Posted March 24, 2011 Author Posted March 24, 2011 @bloppy, yes I am dating with marriage in mind so it doesn't seem smart to be with a cheater... @unsureinseattle I am going to give it time and see if there are any actions behind his words. But I am not closing doors to new opportunities just not keeping this way totally shut. @kiki wise words. I think I will not say I will see him but they he should call me once he has figured things out and tell me/prove to me he has changed. and other than a few married friends...honestly MANY of his friends own bars or are in the bar industry. And the ones who don't own bars, get loaded at least 1-2 times during the weekend. He never drinks during the week....and doesn't go out during the week either unless it was to be with me.
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