serial cheating quesiont/ ...(sorry long)

[MLC64]

Ok, this is my first post. I have been reading LS for a couple of months now, knowing that I (a MW have been in an EA which began 4 mos ago....then lead to PA a month later) am completely out of my mind for participating in this A with MM. I need support and know what I am doing is wrong and is causing me mental, emotional and physcial stress. I am here to help myself through the wisdom of those who have been through this hell. I am embarassed and ashamed but need to move forward and having not told anyone in my life about this A, this site is all I have. I have to share my story to get it out.

 

I am married, 16 years, the last 11 yrs or so have not been good. I have stayed in M b/c I keep hoping it will get better. We have tried MC, I do a lot of IC, have read a ton of self help books, I try to do my part and usually...(tongue in cheek) have a very loyal personality which is why I have not asked for a separation or divorce. I feel lonely, isolated, bored, I do not feel appreciated or acknowledged in M. My H is emotionally unavailable and sadly always has been. I chose the wrong partner, but I love him none the less. Our issues lead me to a poplular online dating site four months ago. My profile was looking for a Friend to talk/chat after I had found my H was txtg a good friend of ours, which I thought (at the time) was inappropriate and I felt hurt and betrayed. So he went away and I went online...dumb.

I meet AP, we instantly felt connected, have so many similar interests, blah blah blah. He is smooth, said the right things, I loved the attention, affection he was showing through words and then we started IM daily. We were kind to each other and it felt so damned good. I loved seeing his msgs every am and throughout the day, we had a lot of contact. I grew addicted to hearing from him, he felt the same. So after one month, we met and the attraction was even more intense in person, it was incredible. I knew I had feelings for him, which in my mind as sick as it is, I allowed the PA to begin. The P part is limited, which doesn't matter if it is once or 100 times. It is wrong and I keep stuffing the guilt. This is hard to write... I feel so dumb as I write this.

 

So four months later, we are still in A, but it has not been fun. I have read posts about the highs, lows, depletion of self esteem, depression, inability to carry out regualr daily activities, bills have been neglected, i feel I am neglecting my responsibilities being so focused and obsessed on this A. I feel and have experienced all of these and many more. Physically I am a mess. Three weeks ago, I got suspicous so I created a fake acct and went on the site where we met...sure enough I saw a profile identical to the one he created when we met. I asked him, big surprise he denied. We end it, make up, end it, make up. The lies, cancelling of meetings, pulling away, heartache and low self esteem have left me feeling empty and so neglected. In my entire M, I have never felt this low. I am normally a strong, well rounded, intelligent women who has now turned into an obsessive, weak, weepy, needy person who I despise. I hate looking in the mirror, but I do have strong feelings for him and that I can't deny.

He has told me this is not his first A, I think it is his fourth in his 15 yrs of M. He says his M is sexless, and I do believe him. I know it is a story many OW are told, but this time I know it is. Do others having A with MM have experience in them cheating? I have read serial cheating info, and narcissism, and is saddens me but it sounds like him. When we argue about this dating site, (which he finally admitted to) he turns things around to act like it didn't happen. Getting an apology is like pulling teeth. But I did get one. That should be enough to end it and I tried but I caved when trying to go NC. I have asked him to delete the profile but he hid it, knowing he can create another one, but I do believe enough is enough and I would like to know how to cope with ending this A and if others have had the MM cheat on them.

 

If anyone reading this is in an EA and is considering a PA, don't do it. It is hell b/c it gets worse. Do not even get involved in an EA. It is hell trying to cope with the inevitable. thank you for any advice that may follow.

Edited March 24, 2011 by MLC64

[skywriter]

Hi MLC64,

 

You sound so much like myself in trying to end your A. My heart goes out to you.

 

You also sound like a very wise woman, in that ,you have been reading, receiving counseling etc.

 

You are doing all the right things. I get the impression that you aren't intending to reveal this A to your H.

 

I'm sure you will be advised to eventually by other posters.

 

My take on that is, you know your situation better than anyone, so you should do, what you feel is best, as far as that is concerned.

 

I can only tell you from my own perspective and experience with my situation. That is to eliminate the contact in every way possible.

 

You have to cut it all off, completely.

 

Then, you just have to take each day as it comes and get through it.

 

Do whatever you have to do, not to make any contact with your AP.

[skywriter]

Oh yes, and MLC64,

 

You said in your post that you were sick.

 

I don't think you are, I think you were like many of us, lonely and vulnerable.

[Owl]

MLC64...I want to ask...what do YOU see as the best possible outcome of all of this? What do you HOPE to be the outcome of your situation?

 

I ask, because the first step in providing "support" is to make sure that you know what 'goal' you're working towards.

 

Once you know your goal and share it with us...hopefully you can get some good advice on how to get there.

[TigerCub]

MLC64...I want to ask...what do YOU see as the best possible outcome of all of this? What do you HOPE to be the outcome of your situation?

 

I ask, because the first step in providing "support" is to make sure that you know what 'goal' you're working towards.

 

Once you know your goal and share it with us...hopefully you can get some good advice on how to get there.

 

As always, OWL has wise words

 

OP, as far as your question about dealing with serial cheaters, I believe that was what my first post about my A was about.

 

I was involved with an attached man, that was a serial cheater, and I was wondering if he could change.

 

Everyone is different, but from my experience, I learned that NO - he couldn't change, I think he was just trying to fill voids in his life, instead of actually dealing with the real issues - and as long as that "works" for him - then in his eyes nothing needs to change - why not just carry on as he's doing?

 

As OWL pointed out, we don't really know what you're hoping the end result will be, so I can't really advise you on what you should do.

 

I do sense your sadness, shame, guilt, and all the turmoil that comes with an A, and I hope you figure out what it is you want, and find what makes you happy.

[MLC64]

I appreciate the responses. I do believe my M is not going to survive, and this is not due to the A. My T, who knows of the affair does NOT support or condone what I have done, but she does completely see why I stepped out of my M. Skywriter, yes that is exactly how I feel lonely and vulnerable. She believes without IC, my husband will not be able to meet my emotional needs. He is completely shut down and struggles to display compassion, empathy, and he says he loves me but has a really hard time showing it. He feels b/c he is "here" that is showing it. He just doesn't get it and for years I have tried to explain what is required and healthy for BOTH of us to make the M work. I care for him but don't love him like a wife should. I think i am so sad b/c I should have asked for a separation years ago but we had some pretty hefty life thrown our way (very ill child and then my mom got cancer and died in 2008) so I couldn't deal with this then. I am just now able to do this from an emotional space in my life.

 

So when asked what I want as an outcome. That is a loaded question. I can't imagine not having OM in my life, we seem to both feel that way and can't stay away for any length of time. Again, we dont see each other often. It is the emotional connection and RL that I miss when we are struggling. It is the affection he shows me, and I like giving it back as it seems appreciated. We genuinely care for each other. I know it is ego based, but the attention and admiration he shows, I love feeling that. It feels good as I haven't had that in my M. I never thought of myself as someon who would do this, I hated hearing stories of people straying, it really disgusted me.

When I found the profile, it was like someone punched me in the gut b/c I have never experienced hurt like that in a long time. I felt not good enough, like I wasn't all that he said I was. Then he comes back and says sweet things and I forgive him and it carries on. I try to take this A for what it is....the inevitable I get. I realize all A's have an expiration date...I know that and that is the part I can't imagine. So I feel I should just end it and save myself more months, gawd forbid years like so many others have of this pain and agony. It hurts so bad and I was curious how many others here had experienced the OM/OW cheating beyond the current RL (not meaning with spouse).

Is this the right board to post this on? I don't want to be on the wrong one if needing support for ending...which is really not what I want but I think I have to do. I sound confused b/c I am. Amongst other things.

[MLC64]

"my advice to you is to tell you husband that you have been unhappy for a while and let him know that you have been trying really hard to make things better but you can't do it alone. he has to do his part too. If he's not willing to do that, then perhaps you need to take a hard look at whether or not being married to him is the right thing for either one of you."

 

This is exactly what I did two weeks ago. Exactly. I had asked him to go to a new MC, i got a flat out "NO". Then I asked if we could go on a couples retreat to the mountians for a weekend, my treat.....guess what? Flat out "NO". He says he isn't going to "share" his feelings with strangers......crap. That isn't what it was. At all. I said to him last weeked, how many times do you think I am going to as a human being be told NO, without finally throwing my hands up. I think I am there. So very well said and that is exactly what I am dealing with and truly I feel why I am mostly sad. I know I have to ask for a separation and although he doesn't want that as he said to me, I can't see us moving forward as he isn't willing to do anything to help us get a different result. It is so incredibly frustrating.

[MLC64]

No I do not intend on revealing the A to my H. I have told him though that feeling the way I have for the last ten plus years is why people to stray and look for affection. He got that.

[greengoddess]

How would you go to a marriage coucellor or a couples retreat if you planned on continuing to lie to him? You can't open up communication with lies.

 

If you are not going to be honest then please seperate before all this blows up. It will be less painful for everyone.

[MLC64]

How would you go to a marriage coucellor or a couples retreat if you planned on continuing to lie to him? You can't open up communication with lies.

 

If you are not going to be honest then please seperate before all this blows up. It will be less painful for everyone.

 

good point....which is why I am here trying to figure out why I am in this mess, but thank you for pointing that out.

[Owl]

No I do not intend on revealing the A to my H. I have told him though that feeling the way I have for the last ten plus years is why people to stray and look for affection. He got that.

 

OK, so from my perspective you've spelled out that you don't believe your marriage will survive.

 

Fair enough.

 

Prioritize your actions.

 

First, focus on ending your marriage. Since you're not sure what's going on with OM at this point...put him on the back burner while you sort out and end your marriage.

 

That should happen irregardless of the situation with OM, right?

 

So start with that...investigate what it takes to file in your state, inform your H that you're doing so, and make it happen.

 

Work on the plan for seperation.

 

Once that is further down the road...then you can turn your attention back to what may or may not happen with OM.

 

Make sense to you?

[Ballerfamily]

"my advice to you is to tell you husband that you have been unhappy for a while and let him know that you have been trying really hard to make things better but you can't do it alone. he has to do his part too. If he's not willing to do that, then perhaps you need to take a hard look at whether or not being married to him is the right thing for either one of you."

 

This is exactly what I did two weeks ago. Exactly. I had asked him to go to a new MC, i got a flat out "NO". Then I asked if we could go on a couples retreat to the mountians for a weekend, my treat.....guess what? Flat out "NO". He says he isn't going to "share" his feelings with strangers......crap. That isn't what it was. At all. I said to him last weeked, how many times do you think I am going to as a human being be told NO, without finally throwing my hands up. I think I am there. So very well said and that is exactly what I am dealing with and truly I feel why I am mostly sad. I know I have to ask for a separation and although he doesn't want that as he said to me, I can't see us moving forward as he isn't willing to do anything to help us get a different result. It is so incredibly frustrating.

 

 

Question I must ask. Why is he ok with you and the state of the marriage? Why is he seemingly fulfilled? Why are you enough for him? Is he cheating? If not, why can he be content and you can't? Or is he unhappy and just puts up with you?

If he is content, are you that much better at meeting his needs then he is with yours?

 

Why can't sad people just leave, and figure it out without falling in the arms of someone else? Do you actually believe its his fault? Or could it possibly be you needing mucho help? Do you actually think a serial cheater will heal what ails you? Online cheater at that?

 

I could have listed a 1000 things my ex wasn't that great at. Guess what? I loved her unconditionally. I accepted and tolerated her misgivings? When I had enough, I would be gone. And surely not F____ strange as I leave. I could never hurt someone who was my wife and the mother of my children. I'm not perfect either, but I'm not broken either and I can handle my issues and deal with sadness,disappoinment, and use it as a growing experience, etc. Emotional, bah humbug. You either will or you won't. Strength of character, integrity. Now show that you have some and tell your hub and let him decide if he wants to stay or not. Why not give him the choice?. You have crossed the boundary of no return. You shall forever have the stigma of a cheater. I'm sorry. You probally will never get a true man again, because true,noble, good men know. Cheating woman are a dime a dozen, and stick out like sore thumbs. If only knew what men think of you guys. They use you, f___ you, and laugh at you behind your back. Like taking candy from babies. OMG If you only knew. I feel so sorry for you and others like you. I pray for you and others every nite. Its so sad. If only you guys were truly happy later. I have yet to find any. Amazing ( guys 15 on up. we judge you 2 ways. 1. Are you wife material 2. if not, are you F_______ ....... thats it......... Your either one or the other...... I have 11 good guy friends.... 5 divorced/ 3 married/cheaters/ 3 happily married..... They all think the same.

 

Its hard enough with a committed partner and someone that truly loves and cares for you.

 

Otherwoman I chuckle. You both deserve each other. Have fun cheating on each other

Edited March 24, 2011 by Ballerfamily

[MorningCoffee]

Question I must ask. Why is he ok with you and the state of the marriage? Why is he seemingly fulfilled? Why are you enough for him? Is he cheating? If not, why can he be content and you can't? Or is he unhappy and just puts up with you?

If he is content, are you that much better at meeting his needs then he is with yours?

 

Why can't sad people just leave, and figure it out without falling in the arms of someone else? Do you actually believe its his fault? Or could it possibly be you needing mucho help? Do you actually think a serial cheater will heal what ails you? Online cheater at that?

 

I could have listed a 1000 things my ex wasn't that great at. Guess what? I loved her unconditionally. I accepted and tolerated her misgivings? When I had enough, I would be gone. And surely not F____ strange as I leave. I could never hurt someone who was my wife and the mother of my children. I'm not perfect either, but I'm not broken either and I can handle my issues and deal with sadness,disappoinment, and use it as a growing experience, etc. Emotional, bah humbug. You either will or you won't. Strength of character, integrity. Now show that you have some and tell your hub and let him decide if he wants to stay or not. Why not give him the choice?. You have crossed the boundary of no return. You shall forever have the stigma of a cheater. I'm sorry. You probally will never get a true man again, because true,noble, good men know. Cheating woman are a dime a dozen, and stick out like sore thumbs. If only knew what men think of you guys. They use you, f___ you, and laugh at you behind your back. Like taking candy from babies. OMG If you only knew. I feel so sorry for you and others like you. I pray for you and others every nite. Its so sad. If only you guys were truly happy later. I have yet to find any. Amazing ( guys 15 on up. we judge you 2 ways. 1. Are you wife material 2. if not, are you F_______ ....... thats it......... Your either one or the other...... I have 11 good guy friends.... 5 divorced/ 3 married/cheaters/ 3 happily married..... They all think the same.

 

Its hard enough with a committed partner and someone that truly loves and cares for you.

 

Otherwoman I chuckle. You both deserve each other. Have fun cheating on each other

 

 

Good questions in the first paragraph.

 

Bolded is offensive, abusive and out of line, IMO. Have a little compassion and give OP a break, will ya please? She's hurting.

[lovingwhatis]

Ballerfamily, what about your cheating friends, they are pretty special people, huh? Give me a freaking break with your sexist BS, and go back to your cave.

[MLC64]

Question I must ask. Why is he ok with you and the state of the marriage? Why is he seemingly fulfilled? Why are you enough for him? Is he cheating? If not, why can he be content and you can't? Or is he unhappy and just puts up with you?

If he is content, are you that much better at meeting his needs then he is with yours?

 

Why can't sad people just leave, and figure it out without falling in the arms of someone else? Do you actually believe its his fault? Or could it possibly be you needing mucho help? Do you actually think a serial cheater will heal what ails you? Online cheater at that?

 

I could have listed a 1000 things my ex wasn't that great at. Guess what? I loved her unconditionally. I accepted and tolerated her misgivings? When I had enough, I would be gone. And surely not F____ strange as I leave. I could never hurt someone who was my wife and the mother of my children. I'm not perfect either, but I'm not broken either and I can handle my issues and deal with sadness,disappoinment, and use it as a growing experience, etc. Emotional, bah humbug. You either will or you won't. Strength of character, integrity. Now show that you have some and tell your hub and let him decide if he wants to stay or not. Why not give him the choice?. You have crossed the boundary of no return. You shall forever have the stigma of a cheater. I'm sorry. You probally will never get a true man again, because true,noble, good men know. Cheating woman are a dime a dozen, and stick out like sore thumbs. If only knew what men think of you guys. They use you, f___ you, and laugh at you behind your back. Like taking candy from babies. OMG If you only knew. I feel so sorry for you and others like you. I pray for you and others every nite. Its so sad. If only you guys were truly happy later. I have yet to find any. Amazing ( guys 15 on up. we judge you 2 ways. 1. Are you wife material 2. if not, are you F_______ ....... thats it......... Your either one or the other...... I have 11 good guy friends.... 5 divorced/ 3 married/cheaters/ 3 happily married..... They all think the same.

 

Its hard enough with a committed partner and someone that truly loves and cares for you.

 

Otherwoman I chuckle. You both deserve each other. Have fun cheating on each other

 

Good questions in the first paragraph.

 

Bolded is offensive, abusive and out of line, IMO. Have a little compassion and give OP a break, will ya please? She's hurting.

 

So very helpful Ballerfamily, you are rude and I didn't come here to put up with this crap. I do not have a history of having A's, I am not a horrible person that you make me sound like and I think you are ignorant. Why even read these posts and reply like an judmental *ss____ if your only intention is to come and kick people when they are down. Not every situation is cut and dry and you do not know the situation I have lived with so go find another poster to bash. Leave me alone.

 

To answer the questions to those that may offer constructive advice, my H is somewhat happy in the M (we obviously are both somewhat ok with it), however the M is strained and both of us are feeling it and we are both agitated. It isn't healthy and I don't believe in staying together for children. He is fullfilled and as far as I know he isn't cheating however I thought he was which lead me to this mess I am in to begin with. it was an immature moment acting is spite where I went online. He doesn't show much if at all emotion nor does he display affection, so of course all is well with him as long as he doesn't have to do that. He is a good person, and I do love him but he is very closed off. I am the opposite. This isn't new but I am just to the point where I am not certain I can live another 40 years like this. I think that should help all understand why I am not content and hence strayed which I will admit is ENTIRELY my fault, no I do not blame him at all. I made that choice and am suffering for it (which should clearly make you happy Ballerfamily). I have told him how i feel and what I need, have for years. Nothing changes, won't seek MC or IC. Does he "put up with me"? Well, we put up with each other I guess. We are decent people who do have basic respect for each other (until my recent activities for my part) and I think it is a situation where we have grown apart but i keep hoping things will change and they don't. I do meet his needs apparently and am a good mother, it is my needs are so not being met. There is little hope of repair as he is so closed off to counselling, for the ridiculous reason that "no one is going to tell me how to run my life...blah blah blah". Such a stereotypical comment made by many men.....

[MLC64]

OK, so from my perspective you've spelled out that you don't believe your marriage will survive.

 

Fair enough.

 

Prioritize your actions.

 

First, focus on ending your marriage. Since you're not sure what's going on with OM at this point...put him on the back burner while you sort out and end your marriage.

 

That should happen irregardless of the situation with OM, right?

 

So start with that...investigate what it takes to file in your state, inform your H that you're doing so, and make it happen.

 

Work on the plan for seperation.

 

Once that is further down the road...then you can turn your attention back to what may or may not happen with OM.

 

Make sense to you?

Owl, what you wrote makes perfect sense and is what I have been thinking about.

[greengoddess]

If it is discovered you have been cheating you will do irrepairaple damage to your children. Please leave your husband before he discovers this. You have o idea the mess you will unleash. You probably will discover though that your husband really does love you.

 

Your marriage is done and it has nothing to do with the other man so end it in an honorable way to protect your kids and your friendship with your husband. Stay away from the om until a divorce has begun. A divorce not seperation. You have to put your kids first.

[findingnemo]

Question I must ask. Why is he ok with you and the state of the marriage? Why is he seemingly fulfilled? Why are you enough for him? Is he cheating? If not, why can he be content and you can't? Or is he unhappy and just puts up with you?

If he is content, are you that much better at meeting his needs then he is with yours?

 

Why can't sad people just leave, and figure it out without falling in the arms of someone else? Do you actually believe its his fault? Or could it possibly be you needing mucho help? Do you actually think a serial cheater will heal what ails you? Online cheater at that?

 

I could have listed a 1000 things my ex wasn't that great at. Guess what? I loved her unconditionally. I accepted and tolerated her misgivings? When I had enough, I would be gone. And surely not F____ strange as I leave. I could never hurt someone who was my wife and the mother of my children. I'm not perfect either, but I'm not broken either and I can handle my issues and deal with sadness,disappoinment, and use it as a growing experience, etc. Emotional, bah humbug. You either will or you won't. Strength of character, integrity. Now show that you have some and tell your hub and let him decide if he wants to stay or not. Why not give him the choice?. You have crossed the boundary of no return. You shall forever have the stigma of a cheater. I'm sorry. You probally will never get a true man again, because true,noble, good men know. Cheating woman are a dime a dozen, and stick out like sore thumbs. If only knew what men think of you guys. They use you, f___ you, and laugh at you behind your back. Like taking candy from babies. OMG If you only knew. I feel so sorry for you and others like you. I pray for you and others every nite. Its so sad. If only you guys were truly happy later. I have yet to find any. Amazing ( guys 15 on up. we judge you 2 ways. 1. Are you wife material 2. if not, are you F_______ ....... thats it......... Your either one or the other...... I have 11 good guy friends.... 5 divorced/ 3 married/cheaters/ 3 happily married..... They all think the same.

 

Its hard enough with a committed partner and someone that truly loves and cares for you.

 

Otherwoman I chuckle. You both deserve each other. Have fun cheating on each other

 

 

You need prayers and some serious IC.