adastra Posted March 24, 2011 Posted March 24, 2011 Of course I shouldn't. I know that's what most people will tell me. But I'm going to ask anyway because it's driving me crazy. The brief facts- XBF and I dated off and on for about 2 years. When it was good, it was very good, but when it was bad, it was horrid! I can honestly say that we were two very in love, very passionate, very emotional people. We met in graduate school - I was in my early 20s and he in his late 30s. Started as friends and began dating about six months later. We were both emotional wrecks towards the end. We'd break up and get back together over and over, fight horribly, you know the drill. I was the one who finally put my foot down as to NC, mostly because of pressure from my parents and friends. I would never have done it on my own. I basically made myself believe he was truly a horrible person who took advantage of me. I told myself that enough times that I believed it. I never anticipated NC lasting this long. I have moved on, I am married, I have a child and a pretty good career. He moved several hours away. Occasionally I still have dreams about him where we are happy or just having fun as friends. For a long time I just dismissed this as meaningless - any thought of him would be immediately followed by a thought of "he's crazy and a horrible person". About a year ago I realized I was the one telling myself this, retraining my brain. I looked back at my own ridiculous actions and realize I was just as horrible. I just sort of became at peace with him. As in, I was fortunate to know him I am glad we had a relationship, I hope he is well. --- We are in the same profession. A few months ago I was researching someone for work. Low and behold - the person was dating him. What were the chances? I truly miss him as a friend. There are times I wish I could talk to him. I realized he was a huge part of who I became. I'd really like to contact him. Thoughts ? Questions? Virtual slaps?
silvermane187 Posted March 24, 2011 Posted March 24, 2011 How would your husband react to this? I wouldn't risk it.
1784 Posted March 24, 2011 Posted March 24, 2011 All I have to say is - is this REALLY a door you want to open? What purpose would it serve? There are literally HUNDREDS of other things you can spend your time and energy on. This is what you want to do with it? You're married, how about your husband? You have a child, how about the kid? Is this really worth it?!?! Seriously!
lolo1234 Posted March 24, 2011 Posted March 24, 2011 Ok I do not at all mean this I'm a judgmental way but curious if you've thought about how this might make your husband feel. Does he know you're thinking of contacting? The reason I bring this up is because I've made this kind of mistake before. If you're still feeling some strong feelings about this man then it's better if u stay in NC. You don't want to end up going down a slippery slope.
TryTryAgain Posted March 24, 2011 Posted March 24, 2011 Good for you in maintaining NC for that long. Please do not contact him. You are only thinking about yourself at the moment, which is fine if you were single. The fact is you are married and have kids. Think about the potential emotional damage you could inflict on your kids, your husband, and not to mention your ex. It may seem like you're seeking an innocent friendship, but let's face it -- your mind is drifting into fantasyland. Leave it at that, a fantasy. Even if your marriage is on the fence for some reason, don't even pursue something like this until you're divorced and healed from that relationship.
Author adastra Posted March 24, 2011 Author Posted March 24, 2011 I don't take that as judging- I asked for it ! : ) I have discussed him with my husband. I don't tell him about every dream. When the weird coincidence about XBF's girlfriend happened, I told DH. It was actually my husband who pointed out that I was being a little over dramatic about the whole thing. We are both friends with several of our exes. I haven't asked point blank "do you mind if I call this guy?". I don't know what his response would be. I have been waiting to see if these feelings blow over. One reason I would like to connect with him is professionally. I am doing a lot of the same things he does that I never expected or planned to do.
stopthemadness Posted March 24, 2011 Posted March 24, 2011 Dont do it!! you have a husband who loves you. Dont ruin that for smthing like this...Wish i had a husband!! get it (smile) Have a great day.........
Author adastra Posted March 24, 2011 Author Posted March 24, 2011 Thanks. I think it is best to just be happy that it is now something I look back on fondly and no longer harbor ill will. I'll keep my side of the street clean.
TheLoneSock Posted March 24, 2011 Posted March 24, 2011 You are lying to yourself. It's not about seeing him professionally, and it's not about just catching up with him or any kind of friendship. Those are just reasons that you are using to convince yourself it's harmless. It's not. This is deeper than that and you know it is. Trust me, the grass is not greener. If you pursue this you will hate yourself in the end for it. Don't let curiosity ruin your life. I'll keep my side of the street clean. Stick with this.
wmrjw82 Posted March 25, 2011 Posted March 25, 2011 Wow...no wonder the divorce rate is 50% these days...
Author adastra Posted March 25, 2011 Author Posted March 25, 2011 wmrjw82 - Ouch. I was just contemplating contact. I was not contemplating abandoning my husband, child and all responsible thoughts to embark on a shameless love affair. I'm sure I am not the first person ever to consider this. I appreciate the perspectives on how things can go awry even with the best of intentions.
GreenPolicy Posted March 25, 2011 Posted March 25, 2011 wmrjw82 - Ouch. I was just contemplating contact. I was not contemplating abandoning my husband, child and all responsible thoughts to embark on a shameless love affair. I'm sure I am not the first person ever to consider this. I appreciate the perspectives on how things can go awry even with the best of intentions. What do you really want from contacting him? To apologize because you say you now realize that you played a large part in the demise of the relationship and it wasn't all him? A friendship? Something else? What purpose does it serve?
Author adastra Posted March 25, 2011 Author Posted March 25, 2011 Green- In a perfect world, this is what I'd like to happen : (humor me, it is my fantasyland after all ) I'd call him up. I'd apologize for being a complete drama queen. We'd laugh about how ridiculous we both had acted. We'd chit chat / catch up. We'd agree to be friends. We'd correspond occasionally. I'd send him a link him to the hideous website of an old classmate. He'd send me something funny he saw on youtube. Everyone would live happily ever after. Yes, I realize there is very little chance of that actually happening and little certainty of ensuring that outcome. I do feel guilty about how I handled the relationship, even though I know at the time I lacked the coping skills and maturity to do any better. That is the strongest motivation for me to contact him- I would like to release that guilt.
Rose T Posted March 25, 2011 Posted March 25, 2011 Hi Adastra. Well at the risk of being unpopular here I'd give your motives the benefit of the doubt and say that it might not do any harm to contact him. I've never been married but I have received contacts from exes while in new, better, relationships, and the contact with the ex in the context of the new better relationship helped finally remove any "mythic" memories I might have associated with that old boyfriend. Maybe you'll finally sweep those cobwebs away if you get the chance to communicate that you've got your old relationship in perspective and you bear him no ill will. There are of course a couple of other possible scenarios: the contact might be ungratefully received, and leave you feeling a bit hollow, or with old resentments stirred up. OR as other posters are warning, it might lead to a meet-up. Which might get confusing. When we dream of exes, I suspect it's not simply that we have something unresolved with them. Sometimes it's a question of something unresolved within ourselves. You know you're more mature, wiser and have a better eye for relationships now and that's a great evolutionary place to be. But you don't necessarily have to share that realisation with him to make it valid. He doesn't matter any more, in the nicest possible sense.
Thatguyintx Posted March 25, 2011 Posted March 25, 2011 {Slap} What???? {Slap} NO! Now get away from the computer and stop thinking about contacting him. {Slap} That's for asking the silly question in the first place.
NoEnd_Mary Posted March 26, 2011 Posted March 26, 2011 Don't do it! It will open up a can of worms that you can't close! Be happy with what you have as a lot of us don't even have that!
Author adastra Posted March 26, 2011 Author Posted March 26, 2011 {Slap} What???? {Slap} NO! Now get away from the computer and stop thinking about contacting him. {Slap} That's for asking the silly question in the first place. Ha! Maybe I'm a closet masochist.
Author adastra Posted March 26, 2011 Author Posted March 26, 2011 Hi Adastra. Well at the risk of being unpopular here I'd give your motives the benefit of the doubt and say that it might not do any harm to contact him. I've never been married but I have received contacts from exes while in new, better, relationships, and the contact with the ex in the context of the new better relationship helped finally remove any "mythic" memories I might have associated with that old boyfriend. Maybe you'll finally sweep those cobwebs away if you get the chance to communicate that you've got your old relationship in perspective and you bear him no ill will. There are of course a couple of other possible scenarios: the contact might be ungratefully received, and leave you feeling a bit hollow, or with old resentments stirred up. OR as other posters are warning, it might lead to a meet-up. Which might get confusing. When we dream of exes, I suspect it's not simply that we have something unresolved with them. Sometimes it's a question of something unresolved within ourselves. You know you're more mature, wiser and have a better eye for relationships now and that's a great evolutionary place to be. But you don't necessarily have to share that realisation with him to make it valid. He doesn't matter any more, in the nicest possible sense. Thank you for your response. I think what has kept me from contacting him is this over the top thought that the world will implode if if I did. Then one day I just thought "hey maybe it wouldn't?" For all I know, he hates me. So far I haven't wanted to chance it. I do like to hear everyone's thoughts on the topic though.
LostMyHeart Posted March 26, 2011 Posted March 26, 2011 Sometimes people come into our lives for a reason...it's not for us to question it...or to try and continue it....it is for us to learn the lesson we needed to learn at that time to become who we are today. Be thankful for that, for what you learned and what it has taught you, based on your original post. Obviously you have come far and benefited from it...you learned what you needed to....live and let live.
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