So As Not To Thread-Jack/Explaining.....

[confusedinkansas]

I know that some people don't "get" that happiness post affair is possible

 

This is what I don't understand either. Oh, I get it in the beginning - of course when it's all new & the feelings are right there staring you in the face 24/7. I personally beat myself up for a long time afterwords.

But after the fact. Once the discussions are over - then it's time to move on.

 

There are so many here that 5-10-15 years later are still acting as if it happened yesterday. It's just sad. So many years wasted IMO

[silktricks]

This is what I don't understand either. Oh, I get it in the beginning - of course when it's all new & the feelings are right there staring you in the face 24/7. I personally beat myself up for a long time afterwords.

But after the fact. Once the discussions are over - then it's time to move on.

 

There are so many here that 5-10-15 years later are still acting as if it happened yesterday. It's just sad. So many years wasted IMO

 

Exactly!! After a certain point, you've got to get on with your life!!! IMO Unhappiness is a choice. We can choose to continue to dwell on all of the problems in our past - or not. Some people spend their entire life bewailing the fact that their teen years weren't exactly what they wanted....

 

No one gets through life unscathed. And maybe we're not supposed to. Maybe the whole purpose of this life is to figure out how to deal with adversity .

[Owl]

TMCM- WOW....nice to "see" you again, my friend!!! It's been a good while since I've seen a poster that was here before me!

 

CIK...while you and I don't often agree...I get it.

 

Your H is the kind of guy to deal with the problems in front of him. The A is in the past...a resolved issue. No reason for him to focus on it, when he's got to focus on the issues that ARE in front of him.

[Snowflower]

I always wonder if the BS is as happy as they 'claim' to be or 'seem' to be or if they are just so concerned that their spouse will go down that path again or leave them because they pipe up and complain or protest.

 

DIT, I'm kind of surprised that you would say this unless I am completely misunderstanding what you are writing here.

 

But to respond to what (I think) you are saying, I am completely unconcerned about whether my H will go down that path again. I'm probably a bit unusual in that respect because you (general you) would think that I would be more worried about a repeat offense than less.

 

But honestly, I feel like I walked through that fire and came out the other side. If he were to do that to me again (which I really don't think he will) or if he were to just up and divorce me, well, I've already BTDT. I already know how I tend to react; and more importantly, I already know how I would feel in that situation cuz I've been there already.

 

In a lot of ways, I feel more confident that I would be just fine without my H, should that occur. I've seen what could happen and experienced it first hand. For me, that depth of knowledge gives me perspective and the personal strength to go on and not be afraid of what could possibly happen.

 

So, while for some BS's, yup, they might worry and keep the peace. But not all of us.

[Snowflower]

Oh for crying out loud .... I am perfectly happy and not the slightest bit concerned my husband "will go down that path again". Our marriage is great. Is it possible that some former BS aren't happy? Sure it is - it's even probable. But why would you wonder or assume that a BS simply must be faking happiness???

 

I know that some people don't "get" that happiness post affair is possible, but your wondering doesn't change reality. Of course, I don't consider myself to be a BS any longer either....

 

Well said, as usual, SK!

 

I find it kind of insulting that the insinuation is that many BS are faking their happiness or are lying about their situation.

 

Why would I lie about it? I worked hard (and so did my H) to get the type of marriage that we have now.

[Memphis Raines]

I know that some people don't "get" that happiness post affair is possible, but your wondering doesn't change reality.

 

oh I "get" that its "possible". one can recover and heal from a major auto accident, go through surgery and recover just fine. but some damn ugly scars will always be there. and no amount of cream rubbed on them will help.

[drifter777]

CIK...while you and I don't often agree...I get it.

 

Your H is the kind of guy to deal with the problems in front of him. The A is in the past...a resolved issue. No reason for him to focus on it, when he's got to focus on the issues that ARE in front of him.

 

I hope all of us bring our own experiences to this forum so we can work on our own healing while (hopefully) helping others. I do not believe that a man can ever forgive his wife for cheating simply because that is the case for me. I regret every single day/month/year that I have stayed with my wife since she cheated and will die hating myself for not walking away when it happened. I chose to stay for my 7 year-old son and because I thought I still loved her on some level. My choice to stay was also colored by my fear of being alone and having to start my life over again. I realized I had made a mistake by staying after a few months but I thought I could tough out the next 10 years until my son was of college age and then I could start a new life without hurting him as much. I never even told my therapist about this because I was so ashamed of myself for not having the guts to leave the cheating bitch. Needless to say, things were pretty rocky for a few years because things would trigger the pictures in my mind and fill me with such rage I couldn't be in the same room with her. Immediatly after the rage the shame would hit me and I would pray to God that I would just die and get this suffering over. To say that things got better over the years is simply to say that my episodes of rage/shame became less frequent, although the intensity has never dimmed. She pretty much trapped me by getting pregnant again 5 years later and I became resigned to my fate. I will not abandon my children, I will give up my life for their well being. I've read dozens of books & articles on forgiveness and the like in an attempt to find the magic key that will release me from this hell but haven't found it.

 

I believe that my case is far from isolated in that there are many men who will trade their life in an attempt to provide their children a stable home life rather than subject them to what they believe is the chaotic disaster of divorce. Add to that the fear many men have of starting over and the willingness to cling to the hope that things will "get better" over time and you have a recipe for hell on earth.

 

My children are all grown up now, but my daughter was not able to make things work with her partner so she moved back in with us and brought my infant grandson with her. He's 20 months now and I am the only man in his life. So I'm going nowhere for a while. Because he's worth it.

 

So if your wife strays and you ask my advice I'm going to tell you to immediately walk away and start a new life because that's what I should have done. If you tell me your husband has forgiven your cheating and everything is peachy then I'm going to say I don't believe it. It's inconceivable to me, so I cannot believe it. I will hope that your husband is as strong as I am and has the ability compartmentalize the anger, bitterness, and self-loathing well enough to fool you into thinking he's ok - that he's "the kind of guy to deal with the problems in front of him" and let the past go. But I'm never going to believe that he really is "ok".

 

You know, it seems as though it's primarily the cheaters who take the position that a relationship can survive infidelity. Maybe they are right, depending on your definition of "survive". And it's mostly the victims of cheaters who advise other victims to walk away. For my money it's because the cheaters want to believe that their marriage has survived and that things are better than ever because that eases their guilt. And the victims know that trying to work through this nightmare is far worse than they could have imagined and can't advise anyone to go through what they have gone through.

 

I've only recently shared my story with my therapist and now I've shared it on this forum. I think that I'm letting go some of my shame which might allow me to progress further in my recovery. At least I hope that's what it means. Anyway, this is my story.

[Snowflower]

oh I "get" that its "possible". one can recover and heal from a major auto accident, go through surgery and recover just fine. but some damn ugly scars will always be there. and no amount of cream rubbed on them will help.

 

Unfortunately, few of us get through life without any scars--either physically or emotionally.

 

To use your analogy about the auto accident, yup, there might be some scars that remain after recovery but scars are likely better than the alternative (death, permanent disability, pain, etc). IMO, it's similar to a successfully recovered marriage. Yes, there are scars but those are much preferred to the alternative, at least for some BS.

[confusedinkansas]

drifter777- I'm sorry for your situation - but the way I read it is that you've always come up with an 'excuse' to not leave. Also known as "Fence Sitting" - BTDT myself.

 

Therefore, you die a very unhappy man "for the sake of your children."

While that is noble - your kids (I'm guessing) know that dad & mom don't love each other. How sad for them.

 

I know what it's like to tell your grown children that mom & dad are splitting up. I believe that it's not much different (except they don't need to be shuttled around from house to house) than if they'd have been smaller. It's devistating. For all 4 of us - it was.

 

With that said - (I'm not trying to sound like a uncaring bitch - I'm far from that)

I think that guys/gals like you are martyrs. Poor me for the rest of your life. Considering life is so short - Why live it an unhappy man thinking FOREVER that your wife is a bitch? What a terrible way to think of your wife. Someone you CHOOSE to stay with. Sad really.

 

Also, if you poke around enough in LS - You'll find BS's that are also happy they stuck things out with their spouses. It's not always the WS that is happy that things worked out.

[What_Next]

drifter I empathize to a certain degree with your situation. In the immeadiate aftermath of my own D-day I was resigned to leaving my wife. In fact I did so and ended up chasing anything with a skirt so to speak. It took me a few months but I realized that was NOT the path I wanted to take. I also realized that perhaps I could forgive. The forgetting part, well that's a whole other kettle of fish.

 

What I don't know is how I feel in the medium term or long term. I know one thing that if I am as miserable as you seem to be I will in fact divorce and move on hope to heal.

 

I have to admit that our child did play a part in my decision to attempt a reconciliation. Now, I quickly realized that if it was the only reason then it would be a sad existance. I hazard to guess unlivable and in the long run I'd be doing more damage to my child than good by staying in a loveless marriage.

 

I am having a VERY tough time of it lately in terms of anger, and some very extreme sadness, but I think that will pass. If it doesn't then the lines of communication are WIDE open between my wife and I. We'll attempt to work it through together and if we cannot we'll part on civil terms.

 

As for "the past being the past" and leaving it there. Well I admit that this methodology seems to come from the side of the WS more often than not. CIK, that seems to work for you and your H, but it isn't the way I'll deal with things. I want to deal with the right way and put them away properly. I'm just not sure what that is at this point.

[ladydesigner]

drifter777- I'm sorry for your situation - but the way I read it is that you've always come up with an 'excuse' to not leave. Also known as "Fence Sitting" - BTDT myself.

 

Therefore, you die a very unhappy man "for the sake of your children."

While that is noble - your kids (I'm guessing) know that dad & mom don't love each other. How sad for them.

 

I know what it's like to tell your grown children that mom & dad are splitting up. I believe that it's not much different (except they don't need to be shuttled around from house to house) than if they'd have been smaller. It's devistating. For all 4 of us - it was.

 

With that said - (I'm not trying to sound like a uncaring bitch - I'm far from that)

I think that guys/gals like you are martyrs. Poor me for the rest of your life. Considering life is so short - Why live it an unhappy man thinking FOREVER that your wife is a bitch? What a terrible way to think of your wife. Someone you CHOOSE to stay with. Sad really.

 

Also, if you poke around enough in LS - You'll find BS's that are also happy they stuck things out with their spouses. It's not always the WS that is happy that things worked out.

 

 

Good post CIK. You know I am happy I stuck it out. I have failed miserably myself by having a revenge affair, but all in all if I had not stuck it out I never would have known my M could be happy again. Of course there are times I relive my H's A's and think about them, but it is not overshadowing my love for my H. I believe I had 50% responsibility in his cheating just as I have in my own infidelity.

 

If things were really miserable in my M I would end it. I have no fear of divorce. Things are very amicable between my H and I and we love each other and our kids. We owe ourselves and our kids that much, especially if the love is still there.

 

Like CIK says at some point you need to start LIVING life and not wallowing in it. I am a SAB survivor and I could be wallowing in that too but chose not to. We all make our choices on how to live our lives.

[Memphis Raines]

To use your analogy about the auto accident, yup, there might be some scars that remain after recovery but scars are likely better than the alternative (death, permanent disability, pain, etc). IMO, it's similar to a successfully recovered marriage. Yes, there are scars but those are much preferred to the alternative, at least for some BS.

 

to me, leaving a cheating spouse correlates to plastic surgery to remove the scars. i remember what happened to get the scars, but now that they are gone, I don't have anything to remind me of what the X did for the rest of my life.

 

if some BS want to stay with a cheating spouse, I wish them all the best. I know those same BS do not think they are settling. Thats their choice and feelings. I, on the other hand, feel like I'm settling if I stay with someone that betrayed me. I prefer a life fully lived. and I just don't see that, for myself, being with a cheater.

[Memphis Raines]

Also, if you poke around enough in LS - You'll find BS's that are also happy they stuck things out with their spouses. It's not always the WS that is happy that things worked out.

 

I have read that alot of BS's are happy they stayed.

 

but then again, a majority of those come here and post about problems they have, pains they still have about the affairs, and complain about their WS's. I just don't see that as happy.

 

true, some seem to be completely happy without venting about their WS, like Owl, but former BS's like himself are few and far between.

[Owl]

I hope all of us bring our own experiences to this forum so we can work on our own healing while (hopefully) helping others. I do not believe that a man can ever forgive his wife for cheating simply because that is the case for me. I regret every single day/month/year that I have stayed with my wife since she cheated and will die hating myself for not walking away when it happened. I chose to stay for my 7 year-old son and because I thought I still loved her on some level. My choice to stay was also colored by my fear of being alone and having to start my life over again. I realized I had made a mistake by staying after a few months but I thought I could tough out the next 10 years until my son was of college age and then I could start a new life without hurting him as much. I never even told my therapist about this because I was so ashamed of myself for not having the guts to leave the cheating bitch. Needless to say, things were pretty rocky for a few years because things would trigger the pictures in my mind and fill me with such rage I couldn't be in the same room with her. Immediatly after the rage the shame would hit me and I would pray to God that I would just die and get this suffering over. To say that things got better over the years is simply to say that my episodes of rage/shame became less frequent, although the intensity has never dimmed. She pretty much trapped me by getting pregnant again 5 years later and I became resigned to my fate. I will not abandon my children, I will give up my life for their well being. I've read dozens of books & articles on forgiveness and the like in an attempt to find the magic key that will release me from this hell but haven't found it.

 

I believe that my case is far from isolated in that there are many men who will trade their life in an attempt to provide their children a stable home life rather than subject them to what they believe is the chaotic disaster of divorce. Add to that the fear many men have of starting over and the willingness to cling to the hope that things will "get better" over time and you have a recipe for hell on earth.

 

My children are all grown up now, but my daughter was not able to make things work with her partner so she moved back in with us and brought my infant grandson with her. He's 20 months now and I am the only man in his life. So I'm going nowhere for a while. Because he's worth it.

 

So if your wife strays and you ask my advice I'm going to tell you to immediately walk away and start a new life because that's what I should have done. If you tell me your husband has forgiven your cheating and everything is peachy then I'm going to say I don't believe it. It's inconceivable to me, so I cannot believe it. I will hope that your husband is as strong as I am and has the ability compartmentalize the anger, bitterness, and self-loathing well enough to fool you into thinking he's ok - that he's "the kind of guy to deal with the problems in front of him" and let the past go. But I'm never going to believe that he really is "ok".

 

You know, it seems as though it's primarily the cheaters who take the position that a relationship can survive infidelity. Maybe they are right, depending on your definition of "survive". And it's mostly the victims of cheaters who advise other victims to walk away. For my money it's because the cheaters want to believe that their marriage has survived and that things are better than ever because that eases their guilt. And the victims know that trying to work through this nightmare is far worse than they could have imagined and can't advise anyone to go through what they have gone through.

 

I've only recently shared my story with my therapist and now I've shared it on this forum. I think that I'm letting go some of my shame which might allow me to progress further in my recovery. At least I hope that's what it means. Anyway, this is my story.

 

Interesting post, and I completely respect your viewpoint.

 

Your experiences differ from mine.

 

I've been in the exact opposite boat...I'm a man who's wife had an EA with another man...our marriage survived that incident, we both learned a great deal from it, and it's in the past...forgiven and no longer relevent to where we're at today.

 

It doesn't haunt me, it's not something I think about constantly, and it simply is part of the past.

 

Now...it took me a couple of years to get to this piont....don't take me wrong. Nothing "simple" or "easy" about it. It took a lot of effort, work, and healing on both of our parts to do so.

 

It's not just the "cheaters" who say you can do it...I'm a former betrayed husband and I say it can be done.

 

Not every marriage can recover, not everyone can forgive and recover.

 

Not faulting anyone (or you!) for your own experiences and what you went through.

 

Just pointing out that our experiences differ, and led us to different conclusions.

 

I'd point out that it is mostly those that "walk away" that are insistent that a marriage can't be recovered. There's wasn't able to...granted. It doesn't mean that it's not possible, just that it wasn't possible for them in their particular situation. Just as I can't claim that every marriage CAN recover, I don't agree with saying that NO marriage can recover.

 

Again...different experiences lead to different conclusions.

[drifter777]

Interesting post, and I completely respect your viewpoint.

 

Your experiences differ from mine.

 

I've been in the exact opposite boat...I'm a man who's wife had an EA with another man...our marriage survived that incident, we both learned a great deal from it, and it's in the past...forgiven and no longer relevent to where we're at today.

 

It doesn't haunt me, it's not something I think about constantly, and it simply is part of the past.

 

Now...it took me a couple of years to get to this piont....don't take me wrong. Nothing "simple" or "easy" about it. It took a lot of effort, work, and healing on both of our parts to do so.

 

It's not just the "cheaters" who say you can do it...I'm a former betrayed husband and I say it can be done.

 

Not every marriage can recover, not everyone can forgive and recover.

 

Not faulting anyone (or you!) for your own experiences and what you went through.

 

Just pointing out that our experiences differ, and led us to different conclusions.

 

I'd point out that it is mostly those that "walk away" that are insistent that a marriage can't be recovered. There's wasn't able to...granted. It doesn't mean that it's not possible, just that it wasn't possible for them in their particular situation. Just as I can't claim that every marriage CAN recover, I don't agree with saying that NO marriage can recover.

 

Again...different experiences lead to different conclusions.

 

My wife did not have a ONS so the emotional component was present as well as the physical. I'm not saying an EA is not as horrible to live though as a PA because I simply don't know. Do you think that if your wife had been physical with the OM that those mental images might have made your recovery more difficult? Do you think there is a significant difference between an EA and PA?

[Owl]

I'll totally agree that in cases where it was EA only, there's no "mental movies" that have to be overcome...or at least not the same ones when you KNOW it went PA.

 

In my case, there was simply no way they could have gone PA...but it most certainly would have had it continued much longer.

 

There are all kinds of "flavors" we could get into here. EA only, PA only, EA/PA combo, ONS, etc...

 

Some may be 'easier' to forgive than others.

 

I know some posters feel an EA is far tougher to forgive than a PA...and others who feel exactly opposite. There are good arguments either way.

 

Personally, each provides their own unique challenges to deal with.

 

My "line in the sand" was insisting to my wife that I would not give her a chance to reconcile with me in any fashion if she proceeded to let it go to a PA after d-day. Had it gotten that far before d-day...would I have still forgiven her....is something that I can only speculate at.

 

And as we all know...it's darned hard to know what you're going to do in these situations until you're actually IN the situation.

 

But I don't think that any of this invalidates my previous point, nor does it negate what we went through and how tough our recovery was....nor the fact that we were able indeed to reconcile and work it out.

 

So like I said before...from my perspective...some marriages CAN recover from at least some types of affairs...I've seen it here and other places, as well as experienced it personally.

 

Some can't. Whether it's the type of the affair or the personalities and itneractions of those involved...I can't guess offhand.

 

Just showing where my mileage differed from others.

[dreamingoftigers]

Oh for crying out loud .... I am perfectly happy and not the slightest bit concerned my husband "will go down that path again". Our marriage is great. Is it possible that some former BS aren't happy? Sure it is - it's even probable. But why would you wonder or assume that a BS simply must be faking happiness???

 

I know that some people don't "get" that happiness post affair is possible, but your wondering doesn't change reality. Of course, I don't consider myself to be a BS any longer either....

 

I am a BS and I wasn't actually trying to make a blanket statement. Glad to hear that you are happy.

[dreamingoftigers]

DIT, I'm kind of surprised that you would say this unless I am completely misunderstanding what you are writing here.

 

But to respond to what (I think) you are saying, I am completely unconcerned about whether my H will go down that path again. I'm probably a bit unusual in that respect because you (general you) would think that I would be more worried about a repeat offense than less.

 

But honestly, I feel like I walked through that fire and came out the other side. If he were to do that to me again (which I really don't think he will) or if he were to just up and divorce me, well, I've already BTDT. I already know how I tend to react; and more importantly, I already know how I would feel in that situation cuz I've been there already.

 

In a lot of ways, I feel more confident that I would be just fine without my H, should that occur. I've seen what could happen and experienced it first hand. For me, that depth of knowledge gives me perspective and the personal strength to go on and not be afraid of what could possibly happen.

 

So, while for some BS's, yup, they might worry and keep the peace. But not all of us.

 

Sorry not aiming at a blanket statement.

 

I think a fair percentage of BSs are "fixers" though and will try to reach out and be rather sensitive to the needs of their WSs and ignore their own, the converse I think is true as well.

[Fight4Me]

I hope all of us bring our own experiences to this forum so we can work on our own healing while (hopefully) helping others. I do not believe that a man can ever forgive his wife for cheating simply because that is the case for me. I regret every single day/month/year that I have stayed with my wife since she cheated and will die hating myself for not walking away when it happened. I chose to stay for my 7 year-old son and because I thought I still loved her on some level. My choice to stay was also colored by my fear of being alone and having to start my life over again. I realized I had made a mistake by staying after a few months but I thought I could tough out the next 10 years until my son was of college age and then I could start a new life without hurting him as much. I never even told my therapist about this because I was so ashamed of myself for not having the guts to leave the cheating bitch. Needless to say, things were pretty rocky for a few years because things would trigger the pictures in my mind and fill me with such rage I couldn't be in the same room with her. Immediatly after the rage the shame would hit me and I would pray to God that I would just die and get this suffering over. To say that things got better over the years is simply to say that my episodes of rage/shame became less frequent, although the intensity has never dimmed. She pretty much trapped me by getting pregnant again 5 years later and I became resigned to my fate. I will not abandon my children, I will give up my life for their well being. I've read dozens of books & articles on forgiveness and the like in an attempt to find the magic key that will release me from this hell but haven't found it.

 

I believe that my case is far from isolated in that there are many men who will trade their life in an attempt to provide their children a stable home life rather than subject them to what they believe is the chaotic disaster of divorce. Add to that the fear many men have of starting over and the willingness to cling to the hope that things will "get better" over time and you have a recipe for hell on earth.

 

My children are all grown up now, but my daughter was not able to make things work with her partner so she moved back in with us and brought my infant grandson with her. He's 20 months now and I am the only man in his life. So I'm going nowhere for a while. Because he's worth it.

 

So if your wife strays and you ask my advice I'm going to tell you to immediately walk away and start a new life because that's what I should have done. If you tell me your husband has forgiven your cheating and everything is peachy then I'm going to say I don't believe it. It's inconceivable to me, so I cannot believe it. I will hope that your husband is as strong as I am and has the ability compartmentalize the anger, bitterness, and self-loathing well enough to fool you into thinking he's ok - that he's "the kind of guy to deal with the problems in front of him" and let the past go. But I'm never going to believe that he really is "ok".

 

You know, it seems as though it's primarily the cheaters who take the position that a relationship can survive infidelity. Maybe they are right, depending on your definition of "survive". And it's mostly the victims of cheaters who advise other victims to walk away. For my money it's because the cheaters want to believe that their marriage has survived and that things are better than ever because that eases their guilt. And the victims know that trying to work through this nightmare is far worse than they could have imagined and can't advise anyone to go through what they have gone through.

 

I've only recently shared my story with my therapist and now I've shared it on this forum. I think that I'm letting go some of my shame which might allow me to progress further in my recovery. At least I hope that's what it means. Anyway, this is my story.

 

I really appreciate you laying out your story as it helps other posters to see why you believe what you believe. Quite frankly, it breaks my heart to see the misery you lived in all these many years, and imho... needlessly. From what I gather, you never really dealt with the infidelity, especially since you are just now opening up to your therapist about all this. I really hope and pray that you find true contentment no matter what happens in your future.

 

 

With that said, I'm just popping in to throw my hat into the ring of fBS who have forgiven and gone on to find happiness and contentment in a renewed marriage. I haven't just survived infidelity, I have thrived. It hasn't been easy, but all the blood, sweat, and tears have been worth it in the end... and it honestly was due to my fWH's revelation of the sad sack he had become and his commitment to bettering himself as a husband, father, and man. Anything less would not have sufficed and I would not have stuck it out.

 

All of what I said above has really been cemented since recently going through a major health crisis with our youngest child. While sitting in PICU, we both thanked God for preserving our marriage so we could truly "be there" for our daughter as a healthy functioning team. When stuff like that goes down, what has happened in the past really seems so insignificant, but then again, we really dealt with everything upfront without any rug sweeping.

 

So I'm in the camp that says a marriage can MORE than recover from infidelity as we are living proof of that. I also know that there are instances where I don't see a lot of hope, but that is often because the BS is throwing themselves under the bus instead of standing tall and demonstrating they deserve better and can have it with or without their WS.

 

I'm beginning to ramble, so I'll just end it here. LOL!

[sweetlife]

CIK, your story gives me hope that my M will become a stronger one but I have to agree with other poster here that most of the people posting that their marriages have become better after the A is from WW females. as drifter777 said it: (my advice I'm going to tell you to immediately walk away and start a new life because that's what I should have done).

coming from a male makes me think if there is any males out there that have really overcome the A and become happy in their marriages after something to devastating.

[TMCM]

Hi Owl,

 

Great to 'see' you as well. I've been absent from the forum because of the death of my dear, beloved wife (2nd wife) almost 2 years ago. To say that I was devastated is an understatement. I've always considered you a voice of reason and its good to see that you are still continuing to help others with your insights and perspectives.

 

 

Drifter777,

 

I can relate to the feelings of being trapped in my first marriage. Knowing that the courts give custody of the children approximately 80% of the time to women (even though they may not be the most capable of the two parents). Like you, I continued being married to my serial cheating WW for the sake of my two little girls. But unlike your situation, my ex-WW went too far and neglected our daughters one time too many. I was able to get a child protective services representative to bear witness of her unfitness as a mother. I filed for divorce, and with the testimony of the child services rep, I was successful in gaining physical custody of my girls. I agree with you that staying in a marriage, especially with an unremorseful WW, is worse and does nothing to heal a BH and forgive his WW. Not to belittle BW, but very few of them will have to deal with the child custody situation that BH have to put up with from their WW who takes advantage of the situation.

 

I wish you peace for you and your loved ones.

Edited April 7, 2011 by TMCM
ed

[ShatteredReality]

CIK, your story gives me hope that my M will become a stronger one but I have to agree with other poster here that most of the people posting that their marriages have become better after the A is from WW females. as drifter777 said it: (my advice I'm going to tell you to immediately walk away and start a new life because that's what I should have done).

coming from a male makes me think if there is any males out there that have really overcome the A and become happy in their marriages after something to devastating.

 

Ok obviously I am a woman so my opinion here shouldn't count - as you're wanting the male perspective. So I asked my H. He says in many ways our marriage is better now than it was before - that we're finally on the same page emotionally for the most part. We're able to talk to eachother about things we weren't able to before, we're able to discuss eachothers faults or what is bothering either of us more openly. This is not to say we never backslide or argue or have bad days - weeks even. But over all we're better now than we were before. (I'd still take it all back if I could...however since I cannot I try to look at the positives rather than concentrate on the negatives)

[drifter777]

Ok obviously I am a woman so my opinion here shouldn't count - as you're wanting the male perspective. So I asked my H. He says in many ways our marriage is better now than it was before - that we're finally on the same page emotionally for the most part. We're able to talk to eachother about things we weren't able to before, we're able to discuss eachothers faults or what is bothering either of us more openly. This is not to say we never backslide or argue or have bad days - weeks even. But over all we're better now than we were before. (I'd still take it all back if I could...however since I cannot I try to look at the positives rather than concentrate on the negatives)

 

No offense intended, but I don't necessarily believe that your husband is telling you the truth when he says your marriage is better since the affair. Clearly, there are men on this forum who say they have forgiven their wife and that their relationship is now better than ever. I'm sure that some of them are being sincere. I believe that there are men who can forgive their wife for cheating, I just don't believe it happens a significant percent of the time. When the vision of our wife with another man pops into our heads it is so horrific that we simply cannot accept it. It never goes away and it never gets easier. As I've said before, I think it's a DNA thing and those men who can repair their relationships after she cheats simply find a way to live with the memories.

Edited April 12, 2011 by drifter777

[WorldIsYours]

No offense intended, but I don't necessarily believe that your husband is telling you the truth when he says your marriage is better since the affair. Clearly, there are men on this forum who say they have forgiven their wife and that their relationship is now better than ever. I'm sure that some of them are being sincere. I believe that there are men who can forgive their wife for cheating, I just don't believe it happens a significant percent of the time. When the vision of our wife with another man pops into our heads it is so horrific that we simply cannot accept it. It never goes away and it never gets easier. As I've said before, I think it's a DNA thing and those men who can repair their relationships after she cheats simply find a way to live with the memories.

 

Yea that's not true what he's saying. Betrayed spouses never truly get over their partner's affair, especially betrayed husbands. The pain goes down significantly, but for the rest of their lives they'll always think about it, whether they admit it or not.

[TMCM]

No offense intended, but I don't necessarily believe that your husband is telling you the truth when he says your marriage is better since the affair. Clearly, there are men on this forum who say they have forgiven their wife and that their relationship is now better than ever. I'm sure that some of them are being sincere. I believe that there are men who can forgive their wife for cheating, I just don't believe it happens a significant percent of the time. When the vision of our wife with another man pops into our heads it is so horrific that we simply cannot accept it. It never goes away and it never gets easier. As I've said before, I think it's a DNA thing and those men who can repair their relationships after she cheats simply find a way to live with the memories.

 

Yea that's not true what he's saying. Betrayed spouses never truly get over their partner's affair, especially betrayed husbands. The pain goes down significantly, but for the rest of their lives they'll always think about it, whether they admit it or not.

 

True and while it is possible to recover from it, the scar caused by the affair on a man's soul will remain with him for the rest of his life.