geegirl Posted March 30, 2011 Posted March 30, 2011 I believe Depp was saying that YOU'RE a little bit of a drama queen. We're not trying to help your ex but trying to help you. I concur with her that you are drama seeking. You know the situation is toxic yet you choose to put yourself in situations i.e. drinking, being around him, etc. when you know it's defeating. You need his attention, and it doesn't even matter if it is negative. As long as he's feeding you, something, anything. Yes, please go to counselling and stick with it. Don't just go for the sake of getting over this one hurdle, but continue to go to work on YOU because fixing the surface is temporary. Dig deep. You don't want to make the same mistakes in future relationships or encounters with men.
Fufu Posted March 30, 2011 Posted March 30, 2011 (edited) You need to move on. As much as you think this, " I think he just wanted to start a new life, he wanted to try something different. Our relationship was safe, strong and loving. He wants to live on the edge again and test new things (new girls). Sometimes he gets lonely, and this is why I am useful. I provide him with emotional and physical needs. He can continue with his lifestyle and get his fix from me once in awhile. I can't allow myself to do that. He told me that he has nothing to offer anyone and that all he has are his hobbies (music) and that is why he thinks people like him. I have told him during and after our relationship there is more to him than that, as there is, but he doesn't believe me. He hides behind a man that he wants to be. He acts so different around different people and always wants to be the 'cool' guy.." He doesn't see and think the same way as you do. Whatever wonderful treatments he did to you, being sweet, took care of you and stuffs were all in the PAST. You have to analyze and think carefully what are the actions he is doing and treating you now. It's always about present and future, past was long over. Ex won't disappear from your life is not because they can't disappear from your life is because you put yourself being with him again and again. This is a vicious cycle, untill you can see you need to move out of this cycle. You need to step back and start your own healing journey, wondering what he is feeling or thinking is going to make you very, very mentally exhausting and in long run, very damaging to your well-being. Stepping back is hard, letting go is tough, going NC is like stepping on hot larva and you don't want to taste bitterness of not able to communicate with him. However, the more you don't move out of this, the more you will put yourself in the PAST. As much as we can advice you to begin your healing, ultimately, it's your life, you make your own decision. Edited March 30, 2011 by Fufu
Author Anna86 Posted March 30, 2011 Author Posted March 30, 2011 I agree with you guys....Fufu, thank you for your kind words. They are really inspiring. I appreciate the time you took to respond. I guess it does sound like I am a bit of a drama queen...But really, in real life I'm not. I am just really exposing my inner deepest thoughts on this site. Every idea or thought I get I want to write it down and vent it. I am hoping over time I can read back over these posts and see the progress I made. My friends say that I am coping well now and that I am getting over him...slowly, but there is progress made. Its really just time. I didn't exactly help myself...I did at the start, I was coping well. But when in contact with him I regress. For all you guys who are thinking the pain will never end, it does...That deep ache in your heart gets smaller. It crops up again and it hurts just as bad but its short lived. I guess what I get from this site is that EVERY time I read these posts I get a little more realistic each time. The words of wisdom that you guys gave me are sinking in. Trust me, I want to absorb them all right now. I am trying but I need more will power and discipline. This is the first time my heart has been broken and I guess I need to realize it happens to everyone. Its part of life.....
Author Anna86 Posted March 30, 2011 Author Posted March 30, 2011 So, I felt positive today and spent all night distracting myself....I cleaned out my room, thought about future plans, listened to music, and felt so happy. I felt at peace. My ex just called me 10 minutes ago...Its ironic as I had no desire to hear from him. I answered it as I knew if I didn't it would only make me more curious....And my imagination would be let loose! He just called to tell me he is a bit sick, he has a cold and I guess he feels sorry for himself...It was so awkward on the phone....It was good, as I really didn't feel interested talking to him. I guess I am a bit mad that he called me just to tell me he is sick, its not my job to cheer him up anymore. You see, its almost brought me back a few steps as now I am thinking about him again...... I think I have to tell him that he REALLY must not contact me again like that. Its no good if I am trying to not call him if he can just set me back by calling me anytime. I need some strong will power, this will be my biggest test yet.
Thatguyintx Posted March 30, 2011 Posted March 30, 2011 I think I have to tell him that he REALLY must not contact me again like that. Its no good if I am trying to not call him if he can just set me back by calling me anytime. I need some strong will power, this will be my biggest test yet. Or just don't answer the phone. You don't owe him anything. You owe yourself your sanity. Sending you some cosmic willpower....
Author Anna86 Posted March 30, 2011 Author Posted March 30, 2011 Thank you, you know what, I need someone to shake me and say ''get a grip girl''..I need to start living my life again. I notice that these thoughts are becoming more and more regular and that I am starting to move on a bit....Like a snail but at least its forward..... We can't control what life throws at us, but we can control how we react to these situations.
depplover_1980 Posted March 30, 2011 Posted March 30, 2011 Anna my girl, you do need to get a grip. You're not doing half as well as you think you are in reality. Time to start more action and less talk. Ignoring the calls, staying sober, avoiding the parties where he'll be - once you start doing these things, then you'll be putting positive precautions in place to move on. Until then you're still trying to convince yourself, nothing more. You can do it... So, I felt positive today and spent all night distracting myself....I cleaned out my room, thought about future plans, listened to music, and felt so happy. I felt at peace. My ex just called me 10 minutes ago...Its ironic as I had no desire to hear from him. I answered it as I knew if I didn't it would only make me more curious....And my imagination would be let loose! He just called to tell me he is a bit sick, he has a cold and I guess he feels sorry for himself...It was so awkward on the phone....It was good, as I really didn't feel interested talking to him. I guess I am a bit mad that he called me just to tell me he is sick, its not my job to cheer him up anymore. You see, its almost brought me back a few steps as now I am thinking about him again...... I think I have to tell him that he REALLY must not contact me again like that. Its no good if I am trying to not call him if he can just set me back by calling me anytime. I need some strong will power, this will be my biggest test yet.
Fufu Posted March 31, 2011 Posted March 31, 2011 Anna, you are welcome and I fully agree with what depplover_1980 said. it's a good start you are feeling positive, however why on earth you picked up his phone call? If you do really want to move on, you will cease all contacts from this guy. You said, you do not have desire to hear from you, so stick to it. You picked up the phone, it's a true action that you DO have desire to hear from him. As long as you are picking up his calls, listening to what hes' saying, you are interested to know what is happening to him because you are even posting to us that he's sick. And, you don't have to tell him not to contact you. You tell yourself not to contact him, not to answer his phones, not to meet him AT ALL. You can do it, when you put your whole heart into what you have to do to move on and away from this guy.
PurpleReign Posted March 31, 2011 Posted March 31, 2011 Your willingness to be with him without having any hold on him ONLY makes him think less of you day by day. You're no challenge. He doesn't have to work at all to be with you. He will grow more and more bored with you every day. You have two choices. You can end it now and cut your losses or you can continue in this relationship until he meets someone he really wants to be with and ends it himself. (And he will meet someone.) Either way you're going to hurt. Question is, do you want to hurt a little now or a whole lot later?
Author Anna86 Posted April 1, 2011 Author Posted April 1, 2011 Hey, I was being so positive and so strong for two days. For the last two days I was so happy away from him. My family and friends said I hit a huge break through....They were so impressed and pleased for me. But, tonight I went out and before I did this he contacted me. I chose not to contact him back, i said I should be strong and not contact him, but I became weak so I wrote back to his email when I was out. I am so upset as I was strong all day before this. I was really happy and on a high...But tonight I got a bit of a set back..Do you think over time I will become stronger? And nit wb to his silly stuff.....I am soo upset as today I was soo pleased and excited.
geegirl Posted April 1, 2011 Posted April 1, 2011 I will say this in every post. Breaking NC at some point will get you right back to that same ****ty spot where you started at. So, if you want to keep feeling this way, stay in contact. If you want to be hurt over and over again, stay in contact. If you want him to disrespect you over and over again, stay in contact. If you want him to treat you like doormat, stay in contact. If you want to continue your self-destructive behavior, stay in contact. If you want to be the walking wounded indefinitely, stay in contact. What did answering his email give you? Nothing. And if you answer his email two days from now, again you will get nothing. So next time you feel like breaking NC, stop, think, give yourself 30 minutes and talk yourself through it. And why have you not blocked him from email? Again, NC is not NC if the door is open to email, text, call, or whatever forms of communication. Just as how you place yourself in situations where he is going to be around giving yourself ample ammunition to shoot yourself, you having him accessible to your email, is no less different.
Fufu Posted April 1, 2011 Posted April 1, 2011 Anna, you give in too easily, simply too easily. You have to constantly tell yourself you don't have to do this to yourself. Be strict to yourself, do whatever it takes to maintain NC. Block his emails, as geegirl suggested Delete and block his phone number and any other forms of communications that involve him you can think of.
NoEnd_Mary Posted April 1, 2011 Posted April 1, 2011 One word: doormat. –noun 1. a mat, usually placed before a door or other entrance, for people arriving to wipe their shoes on before entering. 2. a person who is the habitual object of abuse or humiliation by another. This post was very painful to read. You HAVE to cut this guy out of your life. In a rel. there is usually one person that is more dominant than the other, right now your ex has all the power. Don't give him that power. Let him know you mean business by NC. NC means NO CONTACT NO MATTER WHAT! I don't care if he's sick or dying. HIS PROBLEM! Let his new friends or ho's deal with it. The truth really hurts but you have to accept it in order to get thru the healing process. Your ex is not the person you think he is but rather a person he wants you to think he is. In other words, he is a LIAR. He is keeping you in his life so he can slowly wean off his attachment to you. How convenient. Show him you mean business. I have been there, done that. Like the many posters on here can tell you, it's JUST NOT WORTH IT! Another year is going to go by and you're gonna look back at how you wasted even more time on this liar. When you tell someone you don't want to talk to them anymore but answer the phone anyway, you're reinforcing the doormat principle. When someone tells me they are going to do something but each and every time they don't, I stop taking them seriously. This guy is getting a HUGE EGO BOOST from your dependence on him. Cut him like I did to my ex. My ex is dying without me. That's why he sent me a letter 9mos after the end of our rel. It was hard to cut him out no doubt, but with the help of friends to convince me to do NC, I was able to come to the realization that he is not the person he projected himself to be. He is not the person I thought he was. Your ex is the same way. Just a user. People in this world for the most part are users. Don't get sucked in! NC is the only way to feel strong. You don't have to "notify" him of anything, just start NC and leave him hanging. What has he done to even deserve a notification that you're cutting him out. If you need help reinforcing NC, read No Foolin's amazing post. It has helped so many ppl. http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showthread.php?t=56954
depplover_1980 Posted April 1, 2011 Posted April 1, 2011 Well Anna, you managed 2 days and got a high from it, so imagine how great you will feel if you go for longer and longer. What's done is done and like all things in life, you just have to get back into the saddle as such. Take time to recognise how each action makes you feel, especially the negative ones and likewise take time to think before you go to respond. Things done in haste are indeed repented at leisure.
Author Anna86 Posted April 2, 2011 Author Posted April 2, 2011 Mary, I know I am being a doormat. When I fully realized this 2 days ago something clicked on my head. Like a light went on. He is clearly weaning off me by doing this and is getting a huge boost. Trust me on this, I am not allowing myself do this any longer. He dumped me, his loss. I am going to do everything in my power to avoid him. I have decided that I am going to make brand new friends so I can avoid the mutual friends as all it does is bring me down! I realized 3 days ago that he is the reason I feel so up and down lately. Like my life is on hold. I am allowing him to control my emotions. I have had enough of it and have realized I own my emotions and I want to be happy so I have to cut him out. Strict NC. This is the first time I want to do strict NC. I have thought about it before but was too scared to do it. Its ironic, the only reason I continue to meet him and sleep with him is because I loved him. But you know what, this is self destructive. Why would he ever want to be with somebody if after he dumped them, they still continue to be his little toy. What does it say about the respect for myself? Its a great feeling how I do actually think of him less and less and I am replacing the time I stress about him with things I like doing. I am proud of myself. I know I made some mistakes that slowed down my progress but I am only human. I am quite sensitive and I really loved the man. But, I think I have come out of it alive and am now ready to start a new chapter in my life. To further reinforce how I am getting over him, he emailed me the most pathetic email I have ever seen. I cringed when I saw it. He wants me to go to his gig tonight so I can pretend to be his fan as he is hoping to get scouted. This man is almost 27. I did NOT respond to that. It made me laugh as I have realized what I have become to him. A doormat, someone who will just do anything he wants of me. I am glad he emailed me it, as I have realized how desperate he is and how he is living in some cloud. I am not joining in on this mess. I am out. I am going out with my friends now. Some shopping and dinner! Then later we will go to a gig to hear some decent music. I feel happy and in control. I hope you all can learn from me. Its possible to get out of the rut you are in. You just need time and to really reflect on the situation and LISTEN to advice.
Author Anna86 Posted April 2, 2011 Author Posted April 2, 2011 about the message I sent him last , I wish I didn't. But I guess its hard to fight a habit. So I am going to fight it. My goal today is simply not to respond to any message he may send and I will not text or call him. I am setting small goals on a daily basis as I think this is the only way I can do it. I can't look too far into the future, but right now, for today, no contact. I am hoping that I will feel pride and then that will motivate me for the next day. Its just a little thing that will make a huge difference. Sometimes setting yourself goals like 'never ever talk to him again' is self destructive and unrealistic. If you don't reach it you feel like a failure. Thats what I tried to do but it was impossible. So I am sticking to small goals and I will reward myself if I reach them. I know in time I can talk to him again. But right now I need to take care of me and heal. I will let you know how it works. Maybe it can help some other people too. Take each day as it comes.....and enjoy it!!
Fufu Posted April 2, 2011 Posted April 2, 2011 "I am going out with my friends now. Some shopping and dinner! Then later we will go to a gig to hear some decent music. I feel happy and in control. I hope you all can learn from me. Its possible to get out of the rut you are in. You just need time and to really reflect on the situation and LISTEN to advice." This is BRAVO, enjoy your life to the fullest "I know in time I can talk to him again. But right now I need to take care of me and heal." I wouldn't even talk to this kind of guy anymore. Cast the thought away even when you have recovered. Personally, i think he is just not worth your time to talk to even when you have moved on.
depplover_1980 Posted April 2, 2011 Posted April 2, 2011 I think that you may need to tell yourself you'll speak to him one day, but when you are truly healed, then you will see there is no point in being in contact with him. Have a good weekend.
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