Anna86 Posted March 24, 2011 Posted March 24, 2011 I have posted here many times and got wonderful advice....I need some more now guys!! My ex and I of 2 years broke up almost 3 months ago......We have remained good friends throughout. He was the one trying to remain friends and I went along with it as it seemed easier than letting go.. Now I am in a pickle!! To cut story short, I have seen him every weekend for the past 3. This is because we are in the same social scene and go to the same places and have same friends. We have slept together twice over the last two weeks. The last time was hard as I couldn't stop crying. It felt too emotional for me. It was too hard waking up next to him with his arms around me. It hurt me having to part from him after spending the afternoon together. When we said goodbye he kissed me on the forehead and I felt so sad. Later that night I forced myself on a date. But during that date my ex called me so I clearly lost interest in my date. Then he texted me the next day asking how I was. I told myself not to respond but I did. We spoke for a few hours about stuff.....We arranged to meet this weekend (but we both know the kind of ''meeting'' it will be)....After the phone, I felt like a piece of crap so I texted him and said that I would not do this with him as I have feelings for him...Then he said that maybe we would both end up getting hurt in the end. Then we agreed to lets just meet up in the end...Oh man, I am so confused. I want to meet him as I miss him so much, but it seems like it will just prolong the pain for me. He knows I have a lot of feelings for him and is still willing to carry on this way. I feel like I am falling back in love again. I felt I was getting over him but now I am just back where I started. I miss him. I know there is no hope for us getting back. He is super busy and has like a million projects a week. Since we broke up, he has started this whole new lifestyle of joining all these projects. He looks exhausted at the moment and all his friends have told me he is heading to exhaustion so he has no time for me or any girl. He doesn't even look after himself anymore. Its hard to watch a grown man destroy himself. Haha, he sounds like a gem, right??! What should I do? We are back in some perverted friend zone? No matter how I tell him that I can't do this one of us always breaks it....and he NEVER lets me go. If I tell him I hate him and he makes my skin crawl the next day I can text him 'sorry' and he will be cool and start up contact again. How messed up is this? I have called him every name under the sun, insulted him, told him I hated him.....I fully believed if I told him these things I could really hate him and he would never want to talk again.......If someone spoke to me like I did to him I could never look at them again. Maybe he knows deep down it was hurt talking? During our relationship he respected me and loved me so much. He pretty much did anything I asked and treated me better than any person has before. He told me last week I 'was the light of his life'.....Emphasis on the 'was'....I mean, I am so worried I will never get that again. I have this heartbreaking feeling when I think of him. Next weekend, its our mutual friends birthday party and both of us are going. I don't know how to continue this 'friendship' any longer. I want to, but I feel its wrong........any ideas of what the hell is going on? Is this dangerous? I have no idea why it is happening......I know its hard, but I envy those people who when they break up their ex ignores them and gets a new gf, that way u have to heal. The situation I am in is dangerous and I know I will get hurt..... Ps: I know that it is my fault he is still in my life. I know I have to be stronger but each time I try it he tells me I am overreacting and that it is better to remain in contact.
PegNosePete Posted March 24, 2011 Posted March 24, 2011 He is using you. He wants to be FWB and nothing more. You are in control of your actions so if you don't want this to continue, then only you can stop it! Don't try to be friends with this user. Don't date other people while you're still banging this guy or trying to get over him, it isn't fair on them.
Author Anna86 Posted March 24, 2011 Author Posted March 24, 2011 I know Pete.....He says he is not using me. I made him swear the he isn't. I find it hard to believe that somebody would use somebody in that way? Would someone really be capable of doing that? He knows that I am horribly sensitive and that I have feelings for him.....I can't think of anybody heartless enough to do that to anyone.... He can sleep with a new girl if he wants.... In fact, I know of a girl that is obsessed with him so I know he could just use her if he wanted to use someone. At least that way, it wouldn't be with an ex. Also, with that guy I was on a date with, I had to do it for my own sanity. I am trying so hard to move on and distract myself from him. This new guy I went on a date with is smart, funny, good looking and seems mature and normal. Clearly a better catch to my ex. I know that. Are there any people out there who would continue to have sex with an ex if u KNEW they had feelings for u? I think I find it hard to believe that it is possible to mess with someone like that.......
PegNosePete Posted March 24, 2011 Posted March 24, 2011 Yes, he is using you. Look at his actions not his words. If you want to break the cycle and feel better then you need to stop trying to be his friend.
Author Anna86 Posted March 24, 2011 Author Posted March 24, 2011 I would hate to think he would use me? I can't imagine you could do that to someone you once cared about. Its really low behavior. Are people really that heartless and cruel? I have so much respect for myself. I don't sleep around, I don't sleep with someone until I really trust them. So it makes me sick that the one man I was REALLY in love with would abuse me in such a way....and I am letting it happen. I hate this situation. It is really driving me insane!!! I wish he would just find a new girl so I would have NO choice in this.
PegNosePete Posted March 24, 2011 Posted March 24, 2011 Yep some people are like that. You can't control his actions but you can control your own. If you want to stop this cycle then you can.
ReturnToSender Posted March 24, 2011 Posted March 24, 2011 I know that situation well cause what you described is exactly what I was going through...for a year and a half!!! And yeah, I still have my moments where I cant admit that he may have just been using me since wed go for so long without having sex, but meet up and just have lunch or dinner and have a great time... And it was so hard because I would keep falling for him all over again..and again..and getting my heart broken again...and again... But the difference between you and some girl or any other girl is for one the familiarity...you guys know each other and a sort of relationship that he either doesnt have the time to cultivate with someone else, or just genuinly likes having with you. Its easy and convenient to not have to start from scratch...plus he knows the effect he has on you....all he has to do is look at you a certain way, or say a certain thing and youre melting all over again. Thats not an effect he can have with anyone else. And I guess its worth puttig up with our phycho dramatic "i hate you...I cant do this anymore!" moments...like clockwork Id go through that every couple of months. And hed still get back to me as if nothing happened, wanting to get together. So yeah...do you wanna be like me and a year and a half later still going through this? I hope not..I woudlnt wish it on anyone. If I could go back, I would have stopped it immediately and no matter how hard it was, just take a total break until I was over him. Cause as long as youre seeing him and give him that chance to sweet himself back into you, youll never give yourself the chance to get over him and move on.
Author Anna86 Posted March 24, 2011 Author Posted March 24, 2011 Okay......How do I break the cycle?? How do I do it? Is there anything I can say to him that will REALLY work? We have the same friends and this weekend I am going out to celebrate our friends birthday. I can't tell my ex not to go of course... If he really is using me? What do I do about it. Its so hard for me to not talk to him if he talks to me......I don't want to make things uncomfortable for my friends or me. I just want to move on and be free of him, I want this so badly but each day I try, he somehow ends up in my thoughts or we contact each other. I feel I am strong, and then all he has to do is pay me a compliment and I am putty in his hands. I wish I wasn't. Its pathetic!!
Author Anna86 Posted March 24, 2011 Author Posted March 24, 2011 Hi returntosender...Wow, u have hit the nail on the head. That is what all of this is about. I guess he knows he has no time for a new girl. New girls take effort and time. I am instant girl that he knows he can turn me on when he feels like it. He knows the effect he has on me. Its clear. No, I don't want this to happen a year and a half....How do I stop it? I can email him...but what should I say??? I am scared ****less.....I should say something like this ''Hey, just need you to know that I really cant do this any longer. It HAS to stop. I am not able to move on from you this way. Please, please don't contact me or anything. If I see you out just say hi and walk away...Keep it simple. Understand under no circumstances try to sleep with me or kiss me as its really ****ing up my head. If I flirt with u, don't accept it. Just say no and walk off''.................... I feel he has to know what is happening. I am scared I will regret it if I send this......Its so final and scary.
PegNosePete Posted March 24, 2011 Posted March 24, 2011 Well yes that sounds good apart from the last part. "If I flirt with you"?? DO NOT flirt with him! Do not talk to him! Apply what you've written to yourself as well. If you see him out just say "hi" and walk away. You must be in control of your actions! You need to have willpower. You can't tell him what to do. You can't control other people. You can only control yourself.
Eddie Edirol Posted March 24, 2011 Posted March 24, 2011 You cant ask him to do anything when he knows you will break. You LET him have control over you because you need this connection/relationship so badly. Heres the question you need to ask yourself. How much longer are you going to allow yourself to go through this before you wake up and finally realize you need to have some sort of restraint? You know that youre afraid that if you dont answer his calls that he will forget about you, isnt that what you want? No its not, but you have to do it anyway. Since youre a people pleaser, youre afraid to make it awkward for your friends, but if they are real friends, they will help you avoid places where he will be. But thats only if you REEALLY want to stay away from him, when you know you dont. As soon as you admit you really want to be with him still, the sooner you will be on the road to getting on without him. Now if you want him to really stop responding to you, you could turn into crazy girl that calls too much and cries on the phone. That will drive him to go away.
DollyGirl12 Posted March 24, 2011 Posted March 24, 2011 I've been where you are many years ago with a man I was seeing after my divorce. Went back a few times for the 'friends" thing and in the long run it was causing me nothing but misery. You see, what happens is that they realize it is acceptable to you, if you keep meeting up, and will continue to think these arrangement are just fine. Even when you express that it is hurting you. It just ends up being a perpetual merry go round of pain. There is always that feeling, in the back of your head, that is hoping he will "come around" and want things back the way they were. If that is ever going to happen it will be because you've had the strength to walk away and cut contact with him. He will continue to try, because he has already been successful. It's up to you to care more about yourself and your emotional well being, and not allow it to happen again. I really feel for you as it's not an easy thing to do.
Author Anna86 Posted March 24, 2011 Author Posted March 24, 2011 Hi, thank you Pete, Eddie and Dolly so much for your advice.....You are all right and I appreciate you taking the time to read and reply to my problem. So, my first step is I will admit to myself that I do want him back. I love him still. I never stopped. I told myself, friends and him that I stopped loving him. Its bull****. Wow, for the past few weeks I have denied this even to myself. When I am with him I guess I try to act strong and I tell him I stopped loving him. So maybe this is why he thinks its okay to keep in contact. hahah, I have tried the desperate calling stuff, it hasn't worked even. I guess he really doesn't want to hurt me even more by kicking me when I am down. He usually listens to me when I cry and then makes me feel better. But I guess its a vicious cycle. I know that I am the one to contact him a lot, so I want to tell him that he shouldn't contact me back. Unless its something really important which I am sure it won't. He was my best friend, my first real love, the best person I ever knew.....and now I can't be with him any longer. Its so hard to let it go. For the first time in a while I have cried alone thinking about him. He gave up what we had in search of other more exciting things. Its a pity I didn't feel that way. Its a shock when someone loves you for so long and so deeply to just pull it away. I know it happens to everyone at some stage. But I am upset as before I started sleeping with him I decided that I could maybe move on....... I know I am not in a unique situation and that many people have had to do the same as me. Its hard, right?
radiodarcy Posted March 24, 2011 Posted March 24, 2011 i've been where you are - - for over two years in fact. much much too long. finally i couldn't take it anymore and went NC. because it was hurting me more to be in contact with him than it was to not be in contact with him. believe me i still struggle with wanting to send him a text or IM. but i know i'm not going to get the response i want. so i leave it alone. i agree with pete and eddie - - you cannot tell you're ex what to do. it's your responsibility to cut him off - - explain to him as you said in your last message that you simply cannot continue to have contact with him as it is impairing your ability to move on and leave it at that. leave out the stuff about the flirting - - you shouldnt be doing that anyway. all flirting does is reinforce that he has control over you, undercuts everything else you just said about not contacting him and sets you up to wind up right back where you started. there is no easy way to cut someone out of your life, i'm afraid - - you just have to do it. take it day by day and it will get better. you just have to give it time. i didnt think i was strong enough to walk away from him either -- but it turns out i was - - and i know you are too
takemedrunkimhome Posted March 24, 2011 Posted March 24, 2011 (edited) my ex is doing the exact same thing with her ex. i think it's been over 2 years off and on, he's completely trapped her and gained control over her. she screwed me up with this whole thing, since she tried to leave him for me, didn't work out. do yourself a favor and get out while you still can, you'll only be messing yourself up if you stick around. that isn't fair to you. sometimes, i wish i could tell my ex that it's no good for her, but not to get her back.. just so she doesn't have to hurt anymore, that's something that will be difficult to stomach. i know it's taken a toll on her too, she won't admit it, but i know it has. it sucks to see inconsiderate a**holes get what they want, but i hope he gets what he deserves in the long run. same goes for the douche thats exploiting you, you're better than that. don't sink to that level. Edited March 24, 2011 by takemedrunkimhome
depplover_1980 Posted March 24, 2011 Posted March 24, 2011 Anna, I am very disappointed in you considering all we chatted about last time. This post here tells you exactly how it is and my own advice is that you simply need to grow a backbone and sort it. You don't need to keep going to all these 'mutual friend' events, you are simply going because you know he'll be there. Willpower begins by purposely avoiding contact with him, same goes for not texting - you simply don't text, that is it!! You cant ask him to do anything when he knows you will break. You LET him have control over you because you need this connection/relationship so badly. Heres the question you need to ask yourself. How much longer are you going to allow yourself to go through this before you wake up and finally realize you need to have some sort of restraint? You know that youre afraid that if you dont answer his calls that he will forget about you, isnt that what you want? No its not, but you have to do it anyway. Since youre a people pleaser, youre afraid to make it awkward for your friends, but if they are real friends, they will help you avoid places where he will be. But thats only if you REEALLY want to stay away from him, when you know you dont. As soon as you admit you really want to be with him still, the sooner you will be on the road to getting on without him. Now if you want him to really stop responding to you, you could turn into crazy girl that calls too much and cries on the phone. That will drive him to go away.
Eddie Edirol Posted March 24, 2011 Posted March 24, 2011 my ex is doing the exact same thing with her ex. i think it's been over 2 years off and on, he's completely trapped her and gained control over her. she screwed me up with this whole thing, since she tried to leave him for me, didn't work out. do yourself a favor and get out while you still can, you'll only be messing yourself up if you stick around. that isn't fair to you. Oh man, thats the other part of this Anna. If you keep talking to your ex, you wont give any new guys a chance. You will still have your ex on your mind, still be hanging around with him, and when another guy wants to give you his all, you leave him thinking yo0u can get things going with your ex again. Thats why you have to cut him off. Weve all been there having to have to let go of someone you think is perfect for you, weve been blindsided, but you have to learn to see the signs to see a breakup coming. Your ex obviously had it in his mind to break it off with you, and doesnt really feel too bad about it if he can leave you in the dust. Its never sudden to him, he knew for a while.
Eddie Edirol Posted March 24, 2011 Posted March 24, 2011 So, my first step is I will admit to myself that I do want him back. I love him still. I never stopped. I told myself, friends and him that I stopped loving him. Its bull****. Wow, for the past few weeks I have denied this even to myself. When I am with him I guess I try to act strong and I tell him I stopped loving him. So maybe this is why he thinks its okay to keep in contact. It will be hard to let go of him and it will take time, but it is much easier when you dont talk to him. If you do, it will just drag the torture out longer. Fill your life with activities, your friends will help you with that im sure.
ReturnToSender Posted March 25, 2011 Posted March 25, 2011 How do I stop it? I can email him...but what should I say??? (...) I feel he has to know what is happening. I am scared I will regret it if I send this......Its so final and scary. I have sent no less than a hundred emails like the one you wrote, and felt the same way you did about it being so final, and it never was. Reaching out to him in any way was an invite for him to reach back out to me. Even when Id just go NC on him, and hed come back to me asking where I went and why I wasnt talking to him and sounding so lost and confused...Id feel I have to let him know, which only opened the door back up to everything going back to the way it was. You can't tell him what to do. You can't control other people. You can only control yourself. Exactly... You cant ask him to do anything when he knows you will break. Now if you want him to really stop responding to you, you could turn into crazy girl that calls too much and cries on the phone. That will drive him to go away. From my experience...that doesnt work either. Ive done everything from text and call all hours of the day/nite with everything from screaming at him, crying etc... and hed just let time go by then get back ahold of me like nothing happened. He said hes used to it so when I got like that he didnt hold it against me and doesnt think any worse of me for it...and it didnt change him wanting me as a part of his life. He will continue to try, because he has already been successful. It's up to you to care more about yourself and your emotional well being, and not allow it to happen again. I really feel for you as it's not an easy thing to do. Yup, like what I bolded above, when he knows that deep down you dont want him out of your life and that he has an in whenever he wants, then hes always going to try. Its super hard to resist...but the longer you wait, the harder it will be...trust me on that. I know that I am the one to contact him a lot, so I want to tell him that he shouldn't contact me back. Unless its something really important which I am sure it won't. I did that too...amazing the amount of important things that came up for him to have to contact me. It was a door I left open for him to contact me, and he slipped into it as much as possible until we were back to square one. If I could turn back the clock even just a year, knowing what I do now...that all the love, patience, hurt, anger, tears..everything wouldnt change a single thing, I would have saved myself all of that... And I think hes just as crazy for dealing with all of that and still wanting to see and spend time with me. The dynamic is nothing short of unhealthy. I wish I could say Im 100% there with being over him and us and everything, but Im not. Im a lot closer now than ever before though and just have to keep moving forward...
Author Anna86 Posted March 25, 2011 Author Posted March 25, 2011 Hey guys, again thank you all so much for your replies. I promise, you are REALLY helping me. I have learnt a lot from your stories and realise that its going to remain like this for a long time if I let it happen. I really have listened to you guys. I have realised that if I really do LOVE him, then being his little sex toy he can play with when he's bored is never ever going to respect me. He will just think I am that easy and it will eventually get old and he will want a chase from someone else. When we both look back at the relationship, we will both see this seedy side. Not the wonderful, emotional relationship before this. In fact, we were both happy just goofing around a lot of the time and it was not all about sex.. So I don't like the turn its taken. He treated me with the utmost respect when I was with him. We all deserve to be treated with respect. Men and women!! I feel disgusted with myself and I fully believe I will never give him my body again. What has he done to deserve it? In fact, last night I chatted to him for a bit and he was disrespectful and used bad language and he would never speak like that to me before. I kind of feel happy to be free of him. I wish you all luck, and please don't ever accept 2nd or 3rd best. If you feel you had a good relationship, keep it that way. I think its important to look back and realise that you had a good thing. Leave it in the past and move on.............
PegNosePete Posted March 25, 2011 Posted March 25, 2011 You are totally right Anna, in fact you should print off your last post and stick it to your fridge, if you ever feel your willpower wavering go and read it!
Author Anna86 Posted March 25, 2011 Author Posted March 25, 2011 Pete, thank you so much. I guess I feel stronger today. I am going to a party tomorrow so I had to pick out a dress to wear. I found a nice dress and then I felt bad wearing it as it is a little short......I only felt uncomfortable with it because my ex is there. What I am doing with him is making my confidence low and I feel like an object....Before, I would have worn this dress with pride as it is classy, maybe a little short;)... now I just want to cover up my entire body in front of him. He told me the last weekend he wants me to wear short skirts and I feel like its degrading and I hate him for it. I know you are a guy Pete, and never got to experience wearing a dress! I have never felt degraded in all my life. One thing I always maintained over the years is self respect. I guess I lost my dignity and respect when I slept with him. I want it back, I value it a lot more than him. I feel I have you guys to thank for all your input and responses, I wish I could buy you all a coffee or a drink to say cheers as I REALLY did stop and think when I read your posts.
betterdeal Posted March 25, 2011 Posted March 25, 2011 I don't understand how you are split up if you're seeing each other all the time and having sexy times together too. What's different from that and where you were a few months ago?
Author Anna86 Posted March 25, 2011 Author Posted March 25, 2011 well, we have only had ''those times'' twice, and I have only seen him a couple of times since break up 3 months ago as I was in a different city. We are not together, not a couple. Just exes who sometimes see each other in social situations and do stupid things. Also, he wants me to take photo's of his stupid band this weekend and then wants to hang out after....But only for one reason I would imagine, So do I tell him beforehand that its all cancelled? As I am not doing this crap anymore, or do I just not tell him its cancelled and not show up? I will see him tomorrow so I am wondering if I should just tell him then its finished or just leave it and ignore it.....I am thinking of leaving it and ignoring him. If I know him, it will knock his ego that I am rejecting his offer so he will probably try make me feel bad or flirt with other girls in front of me. grrrr....so mad he has to go to the party too:(
depplover_1980 Posted March 25, 2011 Posted March 25, 2011 If you truly wanted to move on, you would avoid these parties when you know he'll be there, or at least a few of them for the time being - it is you respecting yourself enough to put damage limitation in place. You are regularly going to parties when he 'happens to be there' and it is doing your recovery no good, but of course secretly you're going in the hope something will happen between you. I can see it clearly.
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