OliveOyl Posted March 24, 2011 Posted March 24, 2011 And it went well. He came across just like his online messages... decent, "normal", easy to talk to. And we had a bit in common... our newness to online dating, time separated/divorced, etc. For the most part conversation flowed and I enjoyed it a lot. There was just one thing. In his profile for his body type, he put "a little extra." And yes, he had I would say even more than a little extra - he had a fairly decent gut on him (30-50 lbs extra? Hard to say). It is kind of a shame because I really did/do like him... I'm no skinny minnie myself, but I just don't know if I could get past that "extra." Sigh. In general, compared to a lot of women I've had few responses to my online profile (less than 10), and out of those I've had 2 decent responses. A Little Extra guy was #1. I have a first date coming up this weekend with another guy I'll call him Groovy Guy (in one of his pics he has his fingers up in a "peace" sign). We'll see....
Author OliveOyl Posted March 25, 2011 Author Posted March 25, 2011 Sorry to bump my own post, but I've been thinking about this. I really liked A Little Extra Guy as a friend, but I'm not interested in more - sad to say, because of his weight. And that's pretty much the only reason. He left me a message saying he'd like to get to know me better and was interested in another date. So now my question is... what is the best way to handle this... do a fade, tell him I just want to be friends, tell him the truth, or?
Imajerk17 Posted March 25, 2011 Posted March 25, 2011 Tell him the truth, that you like him as a friend only. Then again, anyone can lose weight.
D-Lish Posted March 25, 2011 Posted March 25, 2011 Sorry to bump my own post, but I've been thinking about this. I really liked A Little Extra Guy as a friend, but I'm not interested in more - sad to say, because of his weight. And that's pretty much the only reason. He left me a message saying he'd like to get to know me better and was interested in another date. So now my question is... what is the best way to handle this... do a fade, tell him I just want to be friends, tell him the truth, or? I wouldn't tell him that his weight is an issue for you- but I'd be honest that you don't think it's a match.
stook Posted March 25, 2011 Posted March 25, 2011 Yeah don't bring up the weight factor it will crush what confidence and self asteem that he has. Just tell him that you don't see this this going anywhere and that you'd like to be friend and nothing more.. Or you can just completely ignore him. And he'll eventually go away unless he goes into super stalker mode.
blackmagik Posted March 25, 2011 Posted March 25, 2011 sounds pretty superficial of a reason not to at least get to know someone especially if you liked everything else. Weight is something that can be easily lost with the proper motivation.
allenmj Posted March 25, 2011 Posted March 25, 2011 sounds pretty superficial of a reason not to at least get to know someone especially if you liked everything else. Weight is something that can be easily lost with the proper motivation. Agreed. Sorry, but you come across as very very shallow.
Author OliveOyl Posted March 25, 2011 Author Posted March 25, 2011 (edited) sounds pretty superficial of a reason not to at least get to know someone especially if you liked everything else. Weight is something that can be easily lost with the proper motivation. True, but I have a thing about not trying to change people or depending upon them changing. A little overweight I'm fine with. e.g. not past around 30 BMI. I'm pretty sure this guy was well past that. Edited March 25, 2011 by OliveOyl
carhill Posted March 25, 2011 Posted March 25, 2011 For balance, it likely is instructive for respondents to read this thread. OP, go on dates with other men. No rush. As time goes by, clarity will emerge and you'll find the balance of physical, intellectual and emotional aspects which are compatible. If this guy didn't 'do it' for you physically, then he didn't. I've walked in those shoes, meaning multitudes of women didn't find my stocky body and bald head attractive. It's OK. He'll be fine. Good luck
D-Lish Posted March 25, 2011 Posted March 25, 2011 True, but I have a thing about not trying to change people or depending upon them changing. A little overweight I'm fine with. e.g. not past around 30 BMI. I'm pretty sure this guy was well past that. Don't be made to feel bad for not being physically attracted to someone. It doesn't make you shallow. I've met plenty of nice guys with great qualities that I haven't felt chemistry with for various reasons. You CAN'T force chemistry- and you can't date someone you think is great based on the hope that they will shed 50lbs. Maybe this guy doesn't even want to change his weight! If you went out with this guy based on the premise that he's capable of losing the weight, you'd be making him a project instead of a boyfriend- and quite frankly, that wouldn't be fair to either of you. We're presented with people everyday that are possible dating partners, and for whatever reason, we either feel an attraction, or we don't. Attraction is not something we can force. No one should be made to feel bad for not feeling chemistry. Sure, if he was thinner, you might feel differently- but he's not thinner- and whether or not he's capable of losing that weight is irrelevant to this discussion. It's okay to have standards- we all have them, and having them doesn't make a person shallow. You liked him as a person, but you didn't feel a physical connection, end of story, it happens every day. Tell him you didn't feel a connection and keep setting up dates until you meet someone you share a mutual connection with- both physically and otherwise. What's the Groovy guy like?
blackmagik Posted March 25, 2011 Posted March 25, 2011 Girls are always endlessly shallow in packs. Enough said. The problem I have with this post is that you said you really did like him but you dont like that he has a weight problem. Maybe it is genetic?
D-Lish Posted March 25, 2011 Posted March 25, 2011 Girls are always endlessly shallow in packs. Enough said. The problem I have with this post is that you said you really did like him but you dont like that he has a weight problem. Maybe it is genetic? WHO CARES IF IT IS. The point is that people can't force themselves to be attracted to others. Whether or not the dude has control over how many extra hamburgers he decides to consume isn't the OP's issue. He may be the nicest person on the planet- but being fat is going to cut down on his options. If he's capable of losing weight and that could get him more dates- that's entirely up to him. She didn't feel it physically- this happens between people all the time, so what. If she was shallow, she wouldn't be concerned about, or seeking advice on how to let him down gently. She asked for advice on how to handle the situation- and this has turned into people calling her shallow because she doesn't feel the chemistry with the guy- ridiculous.
Fondue Posted March 25, 2011 Posted March 25, 2011 WHO CARES IF IT IS. The point is that people can't force themselves to be attracted to others. Whether or not the dude has control over how many extra hamburgers he decides to consume isn't the OP's issue. He may be the nicest person on the planet- but being fat is going to cut down on his options. If he's capable of losing weight and that could get him more dates- that's entirely up to him. She didn't feel it physically- this happens between people all the time, so what. If she was shallow, she wouldn't be concerned about, or seeking advice on how to let him down gently. She asked for advice on how to handle the situation- and this has turned into people calling her shallow because she doesn't feel the chemistry with the guy- ridiculous. Would you find it ridiculous if I told you that I went on a date with a chick who had lots to talk to me about, conversation flowed, we laughed, etc. And then I tell people on LS, "hey, her boobs just looked a little to flabby for my taste. It really didn't do it for me. I don't feel teh chemistry because of that. How do I get rid of her?" You think that wouldn't make me shallow?
D-Lish Posted March 25, 2011 Posted March 25, 2011 Would you find it ridiculous if I told you that I went on a date with a chick who had lots to talk to me about, conversation flowed, we laughed, etc. And then I tell people on LS, "hey, her boobs just looked a little to flabby for my taste. It really didn't do it for me. I don't feel teh chemistry because of that. How do I get rid of her?" You think that wouldn't make me shallow? If you worded it that way of course I'd view it as shallow. She didn't word it in that manner of cruelty at all. She actually cares about how to handle this. You're being unrealistic if you think everyone should date everyone that has a nice conversation with each other. Have you not ever met someone that liked you but you didn't feel it???? Maybe they were nice, but you didn't return the romantic feelings? If your answer is yes, you're being a hypocrite, if it's no, you're lying.
johan Posted March 25, 2011 Posted March 25, 2011 Would you find it ridiculous if I told you that I went on a date with a chick who had lots to talk to me about, conversation flowed, we laughed, etc. And then I tell people on LS, "hey, her boobs just looked a little to flabby for my taste. It really didn't do it for me. I don't feel teh chemistry because of that. How do I get rid of her?" You think that wouldn't make me shallow? I'm with you. The original poster should force herself to date the fat guy, whether she's attracted to him or not. She should grin and bear it. Maybe gouging out her eyes would help, so she wouldn't have to look at him. And if he has bad breath, she should cut off her nose.
oaks Posted March 25, 2011 Posted March 25, 2011 And it went well. Good! About the "A little extra" - this is already a silly euphemism supplied as an option by the dating site, and several dating sites have a phrase like that for the size just below the largest option for body type. You could argue that anyone who picks "average" already has "a little extra" and is also "overweight" (if you take the view that the 'average' person is already overweight, which seems to be true in many western countries) but not many people are going to choose something called "a lot extra". The body type option on dating sites is a bit of a minefield, as some people just outright lie, some people are delusional (saying "curvy" or "average" when they should've put "full figured" or whatever the largest category was) and then there are people who are confused in the other direction, and put "curvy" because they don't think that "slim" is attractive (when they are basically slim but with boobs and a butt). If there's a lesson to learn here it's this: Take "body type" with a huge pinch of salt until you see full-body photos (and then be cautious about old or carefully posed photos, but that's a different issue), but also, don't assume that everyone in the future who says they have "a little extra" will be like that guy. Glad the date went well, even if you're not going to date him again.
sunshinegirl Posted March 25, 2011 Posted March 25, 2011 I'll offer one data point to consider... When I met my husband, I didn't feel the spark, attraction, chemistry at first. He's 30 pounds overweight and balding and I wasn't into it. In my dating experience up until that point, if I didn't feel chemistry from the word 'go', it never developed. So I had learned to listen to my 'gut': if my loins slept through a date, I listened to that and didn't pursue anything romantic with the person in question. Husband fell into that category. So imagine my surprise when, after spending a lot of non-romantic time with this >30 BMI balding guy in the months that followed, I felt my loins move. And we got married a year later. I have no specific advice for the OP, but did want to share what a wonderful thing it turned out to be for me to be open to someone who fell outside of the physical parameters I thought I wanted. Good luck.
Author OliveOyl Posted March 26, 2011 Author Posted March 26, 2011 Thanks everyone for your replies. Well A Little Extra had sent me a long message asking we might get together next. I replied that I while I had a really good time, I "felt the connection was more friendship than dating." I feel bad. He's a nice guy. I think from now on I'll make sure I see a full body photo first. If I continue online dating, that is.
Cracker Jack Posted March 26, 2011 Posted March 26, 2011 Good to see that you were honest about not wanting to pursue anything else with him. Hope your date with the Groovy Guy goes well.
MarlyStar Posted March 26, 2011 Posted March 26, 2011 Sometimes there's no spark but you enjoy yourself and forget the characteristic that dismays you while you are with the person. If this is the case, then it's worth pursuing. Sometimes, you just aren't feeling it. You might decide to give it a couple more chances to see if it bumps up a catagory or down. And then sometimes you are just turned off. And there really isn't anything to do but move on. It's not fair to you or him. I think you told him nicely. When did you say you were going out with Groovy Guy? Tonight?
allenmj Posted March 26, 2011 Posted March 26, 2011 Thanks everyone for your replies. Well A Little Extra had sent me a long message asking we might get together next. I replied that I while I had a really good time, I "felt the connection was more friendship than dating." I feel bad. He's a nice guy. I think from now on I'll make sure I see a full body photo first. If I continue online dating, that is. I'm glad you cut him free and moved on, since you said he seems like a great person. You never know, he might be one of the most kind, loving, decent men out there, and now he can hopefully find someone who deserves him.
stepka Posted March 26, 2011 Posted March 26, 2011 I"m thinking that if you couldn't get past the extra lbs, that it wasn't going anywhere anyway. I've liked every one of my dates, but just didn't feel any kind of spark for any of them, handsome or not, so I don't think you should feel bad. Just go out and have a good time and don't worry about it.
Author OliveOyl Posted March 27, 2011 Author Posted March 27, 2011 My date with Groovy Guy turned out... rather surprising. It was a short first date, not much more than an hour. We met for coffee. His appearance was slightly different than his pictures but not too far off. He seemed pleasant, but conversationally, I didn't feel we were hitting it off as well as A Little Extra. Then I happened to mention something about video games, and he said he played something that wasn't exactly a video game, but more an online virtual world. He asked, "have you ever heard of ____" ? I don't know if he saw my jaw drop, but I have been involved in the same virtual world for several years. Turned he has too. It is surprising because it's not really mainstream. We ended up trading avatar names first--before phone numbers... Now, for a few years I was pretty much addicted to this online game/virtual world. I finally decided I had to shift my focus and start meeting people in Real Life. That's when I put my profile up on the online dating site. I mentioned nothing about this game in my profile. In a way it's really really cool, but I'm also torn, because I didn't want to get sucked back in. There are memories and even emotional baggage pertaining to this world that I thought I could simply leave behind. (Hit the "x" button and it's all gone...?) And now here Groovy Guy has offered to take me out for a "date" in this virtual world. It's an unexpected turn of events.
Girlygirl1977 Posted March 27, 2011 Posted March 27, 2011 Since you had the virtual world in common it seems like you would get along. But I'm confused - why do you think the date was so short? Does he prefer you interacting in a virtual world versus real life?
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