boosh Posted March 24, 2011 Posted March 24, 2011 So I'm in a complete rut. I cannot seem to find the will to ask a girl out on a date or anything, even if the signs are there, or I am attracted to them. I used to be the most confident person in the world. I wouldn't get discouraged at being turned down, etc. However, I've been in this rut for the bulk of 7-8 months now. I know in the grand scheme of life that's nothing, but when you're 25 and single it feels like an eternity, especially when you're ready to try and start dating again. Some back story for those of you (most) who don't remember some of my earlier posts. I dated this girl last year for a good while, and things were amazing. She was cute, we connected on a lot of things, had a great time doing simple stuff, took a nice vacation, etc. Life was seemingly perfect for me. There were fights however, and those really did start to take a toll on us. Or so I thought. The more I look back and reflect on that though it really seems like it was a one sided relationship. I was putting in all the effort and getting nothing in return, and finally when stuff reached a boiling point, it was HER that ended it. I was upset about it for a good while, but this site really did help me cope with that. Regardless, it's been a good while since that ended and I've done a lot of stuff for me. I've made a lot of new friends, started a new career, etc. I feel like I'm ready for that next step of life, and finding a girl I'm happy with. This is where things just get weird for me though. Like I said, I used to be confident as all hell. However, lately it just seems like that trait is completely gone. I feel like this lack of confidence showed with the last girl I tried to spark something up with because things were going great but then just abruptly stopped. I think I came off as too needy and everything, and frankly rightfully so. I wasn't ready at the time to move on. My question to you LS, is what do I do? There is a girl who I am really interested in right now. I went to college with her and we were friends there, but not great friends at all. Out of the blue a few weeks ago, I asked her to go out to a sporting event last night as I needed someone to go with and she does enjoy said sport, and she agreed. Confused, but agreed. We had a great time at the game and then getting food/drinks after wards. Now the problem lies in where do I go from there? We ended the night when I walked her to her car and gave her a hug and she said keep in touch. I want that to mean something, but at the same time I know that's a pretty broad statement, and most likely friend zone. I want to do something and take the initiative, but at the same time I also don't want her to get the wrong impression and freak her out ya know? Do I make a play or what?
mogul Posted March 24, 2011 Posted March 24, 2011 Would you consider that a date? If so, end it with a kiss. It is so important.
LeaningIntoTheMuse Posted March 24, 2011 Posted March 24, 2011 I agree. You should have ended it with a kiss.
betterdeal Posted March 24, 2011 Posted March 24, 2011 Now the problem lies in where do I go from there? We ended the night when I walked her to her car and gave her a hug and she said keep in touch. I want that to mean something, but at the same time I know that's a pretty broad statement, and most likely friend zone. I want to do something and take the initiative, but at the same time I also don't want her to get the wrong impression and freak her out ya know? Do I make a play or what? There's no such place as the friend zone except in your head. Seriously, it's a cop out; a way of projecting your problems onto the other person. Get rid of that idea and own your own happiness. That is the first thing you need to do. As for what to do next, well, she said keep in touch. That means she'd like you to stay in touch. As for making a play, you're sure more likely to have some sexy times if you make a play. What's the worst that can happen? She freaks / laughs / calls the national press to say a man fancied a woman and went to kiss her / said he fancied her / she is beautiful and he'd like to make out / simply asked "sex?" with a wry smile after a bit of flirting? Courting can be like dancing: in fact, dancing is derived from courting. It's a display, and the man doesn't push but he generally takes the lead. If the woman you're courting stiffens up then pull back, respectfully, and if she softens go back in, with a slightly different angle this time. And if you make mistakes or fluff a bit, laugh it off and say "oops!" or something equally silly. You're clearly attracted to her and like her, so all you need to do is give in to those feelings and show your affection, your liking for her. If she wants just friends, you don't have to answer that straight away - just back off, take some time (e.g. sleep on it) and decide in the morning whether you want to be just friends. Equally, she might want to do something similar so give her that space. Above all else, it's just some fun, and it's not the end of the world if it doesn't work out this time. Take it easy, bro
Author boosh Posted March 24, 2011 Author Posted March 24, 2011 Above all else, it's just some fun, and it's not the end of the world if it doesn't work out this time. I think I came off in my post as maybe a tad desperate? I mean don't get me wrong, I'm not losing sleep over it or anything, and won't if nothing comes of it. There's no sense putting someone you hardly know, especially at an emotional level like that up on a pedestal and pining for them endlessly. However, what I do think about applies to general dating, courting, whatever and what the title of this thread is about. The above two posters mentioned the same exact thing, which wasn't an answer I was expecting, and frankly the thought did run through my mind, especially after the game was over and I asked if she wanted to grab a drink or two, as I took that as a good sign. So who knows, maybe my perceived lack of self confidence actually freaked me out emotionally about where to go with things at the end of the night. I want to say I'll just go for it, and see what happens. I mean what do I really have to lose. Now whether or not I make it as easy as it sounds is another story all together haha. Regardless, it's kind of amazing what a few words from random strangers really can do for you. Non-biased perspectives ftw.
Kelemort Posted March 24, 2011 Posted March 24, 2011 Keep contact with her. I think studies generally say that the more you're exposed to somebody, the likelier you are to develop some kind of fond feelings (although that presents the question - do you get more face time because you're already liked?). Talk to her online. Leave her messages. Text her. But don't do this super frequently. If I were you, I'd start out every few days. Initiate a conversation. If she's on a messenger, get on there and initiate contact. Try to make it a 50/50 split though - if you have to start all of the communication with her, you have your answer. But if she initiates in return, let it slowly progress. I disagree with the suggestion that you should kiss at the end of the first date. I understand that the reasoning is to make your intentions clear, but it can also serve to scare someone off if they feel that it's moving too fast (I would be one of those people after a first date). I think what's really important is to keep the contact going and progressing. After talking on the phone or online for a week or so, invite her out to something else. Then, let her take the initiative. Does she invite you to anything? Don't just let your date be the only thing that ever happens to you too. However, you also shouldn't be the one initiating everything. If that happens, you're firmly in the friend zone and it's time to move on. Eventually, the signals will be there that it's time to kiss. For me in the past, it was when the other guy wanted to touch me a lot - my shoulder, my hair, touch my knee when he laughed at something. I think that women often send out these same signals when they're interested in somebody.
betterdeal Posted March 24, 2011 Posted March 24, 2011 I think I came off in my post as maybe a tad desperate? I mean don't get me wrong, I'm not losing sleep over it or anything, and won't if nothing comes of it. There's no sense putting someone you hardly know, especially at an emotional level like that up on a pedestal and pining for them endlessly. However, what I do think about applies to general dating, courting, whatever and what the title of this thread is about. I didn't think of you as desperate. I do find the phrase "friend zone" annoying as it gives people a false belief that they are not in control of their own lives. Life really is simple when it comes down to it. You find and do things that make you happy and you avoid and stop doing things that make you unhappy. Pretending that I'm at the mercy of some invisible force that puts me in an invisible zone makes me unhappy. I used that technique for decades, and I was miserable as a result. Now I know I have choices and I make them. Own your own destiny. Be your own man.
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