How often do you talk to your ex?

[Lilmisus]

Either your most recent ex, or your first love, how often do you talk to them? Do you go out of your way to say "hello" whether it be to send them a Facebook message (or comment on their wall) or call them everyday? Do you still try to be friends with them, even if it's just talking every other day? Do you arrange to meet up for coffee or dinner sometime and discuss their new love interest? Where do you draw the line at?

 

I'm mainly wondering because while trying to be friends with the dear ex of mine, I still enjoy talking to him constantly at and after work, and I even joined him while he ate the other night. It actually is making the breakup process more bearable for me, since it reminds me that he's not gone, only our relationship is, and as long as he's safe and happy (or trying to be) then I'm happy, especially if I can talk to him whenever I see him without being bitter. He's completely for this, and has even said that he wants it to remain this way. We'll see how long this will last before one of us decides we can't do it anymore..after all, it's only been less than a week.

 

So, how do you and your exes talk? If at all? Or do you go out of your way to avoid one another?

[boosh]

Out of ex's that actually matter I talk to one of them every now and then. We actually have remained pretty good friends since we broke up, even though at the time it sucked. It took a bit of time, but it did happen. She's basically just a good friend at this point, where our talks consist of anything and everything.

 

We talk every so often, nothing crazy. She's had a few BF's and I had another GF since then, neither one of us ever got jealous, etc.

 

My most recent ex I haven't talked to in over 6 months, and it's going to stay that way. That girl really messed with me.

[Kelemort]

I haven't spoken to my last ex in 3 years. Our break-up wasn't one of lots of anger - just sadness on his part (I was the one who initiated). He was a terrible boyfriend and afterwards he blamed me for everything, but I stopped talking to him even before that.

 

For me, it was important to start distancing myself from that relationship and to be on my own. I think that too often, people continue to talk to their exes to carry on a sort of pseudo-romance, to keep the relationship alive long after it ended. And I've seen people do this in relationships (it's been done to me also) - it's excruciatingly painful and unnecessary.

 

I realize my take on exes nowadays is unpopular, but I think it's incredibly difficult to separate the romantic relationship from the elements of friendship that you had. And it compounds matters further when you bring new boyfriends and girlfriends into the equation. In that case, you have to really monitor the contact with the ex to keep it from looking questionable.

 

For me personally? It's nothing personal against the ex, but it's just easier to break contact and move on with my life. I can fulfill the needs they met prior - through romance or their friendship - in other people where it's less likely to cause problems.

 

Just from my own experiences and those of others, a lot of folks who still communicate with the ex aren't over the break-up. It may not be because they're in contact with the ex, but because they immediately transitioned to friends and kept talking.

[tigressA]

I haven't spoken with my last ex in a little more than 2 months. It's going to stay that way. He's a passive-aggressive scumbag and the only reason why I don't regret having ever been with him is because everything you do/don't do leads you to where you are today, and I am with an absolutely amazing guy.

[Saphira]

well my ex still wants us to be friends. He broke up with me about a month ago. and i still love him. i told him it would be hard for me to go back into friend mode.

 

so to answer your question, he will call or text me every 4-5 days if he doesn't hear from me. as to meeting up for coffee or something. at this moment i cant see myself doing that. so about once a week we will speak over the phone. just a quick hello just calling to chat kind of thing. I am glad you can still hang out with yours. But that constant reminder of the relationship being gone is not something i like lol.

 

I am happy it works for you though =]

[betterdeal]

so about once a week we will speak over the phone. just a quick hello just calling to chat kind of thing. I am glad you can still hang out with yours. But that constant reminder of the relationship being gone is not something i like lol.

 

Stop doing things that hurt you. Tell him it upsets you and you'd like to stop the chit chats.

[Saphira]

Stop doing things that hurt you. Tell him it upsets you and you'd like to stop the chit chats.

 

Ive already said this but he wants to be friends lol. I guess i still find myself wanting to make everything easyer on him before myself :/ hmmm i havent thought of that lol

[Dlyrica]

One of my exes, (from like 6-7 years ago) I am actually pretty good friends with. Things were awkward for a few years but now they are perfectly fine and we hang out, talk, even our current partners hang out together with us.

 

My other ex, from about 2 years ago, its still a little rocky and we barely speak unless we have to.

[Lilmisus]

Ive already said this but he wants to be friends lol. I guess i still find myself wanting to make everything easyer on him before myself :/ hmmm i havent thought of that lol

 

Even if he wants to be friends, if you aren't ready for the thought of friendship or aren't capable of talking to him without feeling a part of you breaking inside, then you aren't ready. There's nothing wrong with taking a few months to a few years away from one another if that's what it takes for you to get over him before you can truly have an honest friendship. I'm sure that he'll be able to accept this, and if he can't then I'm sure that this was just his way of coping with things by having you close by but not his girlfriend. But look out for yourself first and foremost.

 

With him and I, I saw it coming from a mile away, and was willing to breakup with him myself due to how bad our relationship was and how unfair it felt that I was doing all the work and he wasn't doing anything. To be fair, he has little money and pays for most of the bills at his home, no phone, can't drive his car due to no insurance, and has had a very chaotic past few months so it's not 100% purely his fault, but it did make for a very bad relationship. But I love him to death and all I want is his ultimate happiness in life (which he knows), and I'm willing to do anything in my power to make that happen, even if it means being the friend that stands by and supports him when he needs me if that's what he wants from me. It doesn't hurt at all to talk to him or joke around or flirt since we still do, it only hurts when I'm alone and analyze things. Sure, many people are saying it's too soon to be friends if it still hurts and if I still have feelings for him, but I feel as though it's the best choice we could make for ourselves, regardless.

[Ruby Slippers]

I told my last ex not to contact me, and aside from one holiday text message a few months after I broke up with him, we have had zero contact.

 

The ex before him -- we are good friends and business partners running a biz together that is kicking major butt. I can talk to him about anything, and we have been nothing but supportive of each other's personal lives and relationships. An interesting twist is that he recently revealed to me that he might want to give us a second chance someday. The cool thing is that we agree we will most likely be good friends for good, no matter what.

[kiss_andmakeup]

Never. My last ex and I broke up more than three and a half years ago. Our breakup was not exactly the most civil one and he freaked out - a lot. He still tries to call me; I'd say once every two months I see his number pop up on my phone. I always ignore it; he doesn't leave a voicemail. He's tried repeatedly to add me on facebook, unfortunately it came down to me having to block him. I have no reason to talk to him; we have no mutual friends, we live an hour away from each other, our careers are entirely different, and after we broke up he did some really nasty things that would eliminate any possibility of us being friends.

 

I personally don't think there's any place for an ex in the life of someone who's in a relationship. I guess an exception could be made if it was a high school sweetheart from ages ago. But for me personally I have no desire to keep in contact with my exes and my boyfriend is the same.

[thatdog]

I think if you shared a strong friendship during the relationship it is quite normal to want to remain friends and likely to happen. You do need to go through a period of complete no contact first though to make sure there are no lingering feelings. I keep in regular contact with 2 of my exes. I went through very protracted and messy breakups with both of them and didn't see/speak to the for about a year or so, but then we eventually met again through friends and were reminded about why we hung out so much in the first place before we became involed. I now see/speak to each of them every month or so.

[Stung]

I have a couple of exes whom I IM or text 'regularly,' like a few times per month, but they were people I casually dated and decided we'd be better as friends, not serious heart-wrenching exes.

 

There was one ex who really broke my heart, he and I then proceeded to get back together a couple of times before I finally got him out of my system 'in that way' and was able to fully move on and truly be 'just friends' with him. He still regarded me as an 'emergency girlfriend' however; when I was with somebody, our conversations were friendly and few, but when I was single suddenly he was calling a lot more often and there was a lot of reminiscing going on, and he would express regret at having been an idiot. By that point I didn't take that too seriously though, I could see his emotional shortfalls much more clearly and I knew he was just lonely in general, not specifically for me. Now he and I are both seriously involved with others and we still keep in touch for old times' sake, but it's irregular. Occasional Facebook comments, occasional IMs, I haven't actually spoken to him on the phone since I married. He moved a few thousand miles away a few years ago, and I have only seen him once since then, he visited my area and my husband and I had drinks with him and his girlfriend. She seems perfect for him, not exactly what he wanted but exactly what he needed. The years have leached all sexual interest away completely and I just regard him as kind of a story from my past who I am still friendly with.

 

I have another couple of exes on FB, we exchanged a couple of emails at first catching up but now we're not really in touch other than through watching status updates. It's nice to know they're still kicking and to see them doing well.

 

I have several other exes who I am not in touch with and have no desire to ever be in touch with. I am content with letting them go forever. And my least favorite ex of all time, a man who seriously messed up my life and who I have had very dark, even violent thoughts about, I'm not in touch with but I still have to occasionally see him pop up on television or in magazines, he's one of those moderately successful but still dime-a-dozen model/actors. Fortunately his career isn't exactly stellar and I don't watch much TV or read many magazines, but still: he's one I wish I could leave completely in the dust and never be reminded of, to this day actually seeing him makes me feel a little unpleasant buzz of anger and nausea.

[shin199]

for me the past is the past leave it to that

[HeartOnSleeve]

For me, I like to take a few weeks to myself to deal with the loss of a relationship even if it's painful and not what either party wants. I think you are delaying the inevitable if you continue to see and talk to him as much as you are. I know it probably feels right now, but downt he road it may not be as easy. It's new so give it time, and give yourself time to greive the loss of the communication. With some time you'll realize that you will be FINE with out him being such a major part of your life.

 

What happens when he moves on...or you find someone?! Plus you have to take in to conideration how the new person (when you find someone) in your life feels about it. What if they are not comfortable with your arrangement?

 

I am on good terms with all my exes, but choose to only speak to only really speak with one on a more regular basis. I dated him for four years, and lived with him. We have been apart now for 5 years and didn't speak much the first year and the second year we spoke about every other month. Now he is married, expecting and deployed. I speak to him only about ever 6 months or so and that is it.

 

"It's called a break up...becuase it's broken".

 

Good luck!

[HeartOnSleeve]

Also, you might be better off reading and posting in the breaks and breaking up forums as there are lots of people dealing with NC (no contact) etc.