gaius Posted March 24, 2011 Posted March 24, 2011 It does seem really odd that you are hell bent on confining this guy to such a tight schedule when just weeks ago you were willing to be so unboundaried with another. Are you really into him, or are you just using the guy to prove you can be “healthy” to yourself and others around you?
Star Gazer Posted March 24, 2011 Posted March 24, 2011 It does seem really odd that you are hell bent on confining this guy to such a tight schedule when just weeks ago you were willing to be so unboundaried with another. Are you really into him, or are you just using the guy to prove you can be “healthy” to yourself and others around you? Yup, yup, yup.
threebyfate Posted March 24, 2011 Posted March 24, 2011 Yep Kamille, the structure actually makes me feel like things are stable and reduces my anxiety. BTW our communication is not that substantial. Some days it's just good morning/good night texts or discussing our plans for dates... There is a bit of a glitch today: he texted me an hour ago to cancel our tomorrow's date because his parents are flying in unexpectedly and he is going to pick them them up at the airport with his brother tomorrow night. This kind of thing unsettles me a bit...it's like his brother could have picked them up by himself...I responded with no problem..He said that we are still on for Saturday night. Hopefully he is telling the truth. It's been almost a week since we have last seen each other. Obviously he is not prioritizing me yet, but I am currently prioritizing my family over him too so I guess it's OK. I just hope this cancellation is not the beginning of the dreaded fade. I guess I will know soon enough since Saturday is just around the corner....Patterns of behaviour are what should be concerning, not individual events. In looking to individual events and reacting, it can sabotage relationships since your reactions will be to automatically pull back and potentially hard, for self-protective reasons. I wouldn't consider this event anything worth being concerned over unless it points to a greater pattern of being de-prioritized. And frankly, in a situation like this, I too wouldn't have thought twice about cancelling with someone, since I'm very close to my family and only seeing them once every six months or longer, would be tough.
zengirl Posted March 24, 2011 Posted March 24, 2011 The issue of pace is a difficult one. I think my BF and I went too fast initially, and the problem is, it often leads to unfair/unclear expectations later. A strict schedule wouldn't work for me (feels too pressured) but if it does for you, and for him, no worries. I would be surprised at a man being okay with such strictness, but if he seems okay, then go with it. I think the most important thing with pacing is to be clear in communication and relationship expectations while still going with what feels right---it's a difficult balance of being swept away by the moment and yet laying a suitable foundation. SG, our very first date was 23 days ago. We saw each other at this pace since date 1 and had the above outlined communication frequency. We made it official (exclusivity, bf/gf status) about a week ago. I don't think I am being dishonest. Of course I count the start at date 1. BTW when his friend asked him in front of me "how long have you been together?" - he responded with "around 3 weeks"...so he views things the same way I do. I see it the same way you do there, ES. I start with the first date, not the date of officialdom, mainly because I only want to remember ONE date. My boyfriend and I recently got back together after a little bump (3 weeks apart, I guess), and I still go to the first day for when we've been dating, as does he. Obsessing about a timeline and series of firsts and pauses and jumps and skips and such seems too much. Now, known each other vs. dating is a different story, if say, someone was my friend/co-worker/etc but we didn't go on a date for months or years before we did or something.
Bridgey Posted March 24, 2011 Posted March 24, 2011 [quote=Eternal Sunshine;3306147 There is a bit of a glitch today: he texted me an hour ago to cancel our tomorrow's date because his parents are flying in unexpectedly and he is going to pick them them up at the airport with his brother tomorrow night. This kind of thing unsettles me a bit...it's like his brother could have picked them up by himself...I responded with no problem..He said that we are still on for Saturday night. Hopefully he is telling the truth. It's been almost a week since we have last seen each other. Obviously he is not prioritizing me yet, but I am currently prioritizing my family over him too so I guess it's OK. I just hope this cancellation is not the beginning of the dreaded fade. I guess I will know soon enough since Saturday is just around the corner.... The reason you haven't seen each other in a week is because you only allow him to hang out with you on Thursday and saturday. If you were more lenient about when you saw each other this wouldn't be an issue. And why would you think he's lying about picking up his parents? If he wants you to meet his parents he's prioritizing you. You're overthinking things. Just enjoy the relationship!
Author Eternal Sunshine Posted March 25, 2011 Author Posted March 25, 2011 I feel a bit better now. I have actually already started detaching after his cancelation and started browsing OKC. This is the type of emotional reaction I have. He called me today during his lunch break "just to hear my voice". I guess he was feeling guilty about canceling. We chatted for a bit and he gave me details on why/when are his parents arriving. I am pretty sure his story is legit. He wanted to firm up the exact plans for tomorrow night. He said that he has a work function but asked me if I can come with him briefly and then we can spend some time by ourselves. He was like "do you forgive ne for canceling?" lol I will still be watching for patterns like TBF said. And SG I'm not trying to prove that I'm healthy. Actually, I don't believe that I'm that unhealthy. Sure, I have some emotional issues but they are not as major as you seem to think.
mizliz Posted March 25, 2011 Posted March 25, 2011 I feel a bit better now. I have actually already started detaching after his cancelation and started browsing OKC. This is the type of emotional reaction I have. He called me today during his lunch break "just to hear my voice". I guess he was feeling guilty about canceling. We chatted for a bit and he gave me details on why/when are his parents arriving. I am pretty sure his story is legit. He wanted to firm up the exact plans for tomorrow night. He said that he has a work function but asked me if I can come with him briefly and then we can spend some time by ourselves. He was like "do you forgive ne for canceling?" lol I will still be watching for patterns like TBF said. And SG I'm not trying to prove that I'm healthy. Actually, I don't believe that I'm that unhealthy. Sure, I have some emotional issues but they are not as major as you seem to think. I think you should trust your gut, and worry less about what people think. Your posts are full of unawareness and confusion. Be alone for a bit. You are lovely, dont worry. Work on you, then present yourself to the world. Best L
Author Eternal Sunshine Posted March 25, 2011 Author Posted March 25, 2011 I think you should trust your gut, and worry less about what people think. Your posts are full of unawareness and confusion. Be alone for a bit. You are lovely, dont worry. Work on you, then present yourself to the world. Best L Nope - I think that I'm very self aware.
mizliz Posted March 25, 2011 Posted March 25, 2011 Nope - I think that I'm very self aware. Good. Please update us, then.
zengirl Posted March 25, 2011 Posted March 25, 2011 I feel a bit better now. I have actually already started detaching after his cancelation and started browsing OKC. This is the type of emotional reaction I have. That sounds. . . a bit unhealthy. Isn't he your BF? He does something you don't like, and you detached to the point where you were browsing a dating site as a reaction? I guess, to me, that would be a violation of trust, even. And it just seems rather extreme and unproductive.
elaina Posted March 25, 2011 Posted March 25, 2011 The reason you haven't seen each other in a week is because you only allow him to hang out with you on Thursday and saturday. If you were more lenient about when you saw each other this wouldn't be an issue. And why would you think he's lying about picking up his parents? If he wants you to meet his parents he's prioritizing you. You're overthinking things. Just enjoy the relationship! Totally agree with this post! Enjoy your relationship please. Enjoy getting to know him. Have fun and relax. Please don't get overanxious and kill your blossoming relationship, ok? Let it grow naturally. Enjoy it. Please don't freak out over it. Take a deep breath, calm down, and take things one step at a time. Please don't detach though and go on okcupid... poor girl you're scaring me! You're so tuned on to pain and rejection that you are not smelling the roses that are right in front of you. Please remember he called during his lunch break to hear your voice, and he is concerned for your feelings. That is great that he cares. Please don't sabotage this. I really hope ya'll grow into a healthy and wonderful and vibrant relationship. Please don't panic yet. Please just enjoy getting to know him.
Star Gazer Posted March 25, 2011 Posted March 25, 2011 That sounds. . . a bit unhealthy. Isn't he your BF? He does something you don't like, and you detached to the point where you were browsing a dating site as a reaction? I guess, to me, that would be a violation of trust, even. And it just seems rather extreme and unproductive. Agreed. It sounds very unhealthy to me, and as you said, a violation of his trust.
Author Eternal Sunshine Posted March 25, 2011 Author Posted March 25, 2011 I just f-ing browsed I didn't contact anyone. And I acknowledge it was an emotional reaction. FFS!
Star Gazer Posted March 25, 2011 Posted March 25, 2011 That seems like a defensive reaction to me. People in truly committed relationships don't browse dating relationships because their SO cancelled a plan.
Author Eternal Sunshine Posted March 25, 2011 Author Posted March 25, 2011 It's the fear of getting hurt.
P&R Posted March 25, 2011 Posted March 25, 2011 It's the fear of getting hurt. If you truely want a fulfilling relationship, sooner or later you will need to tear down that barrier. Being in a relationship is about largely about letting a person into your life. And stop browsing dating sites after ONE minor issue. How would you feel if your boyfriend was browsing dating sites? Put yourself in his shoes.
Author Eternal Sunshine Posted March 25, 2011 Author Posted March 25, 2011 Ha I decided to FB message a mutual friend that knows my current bf well (for about 10 years) and ask him what he (my bf) is like as a person. I felt OK in doing so and know it will probably get back to my bf. My bf asked a number of mutual friends about me as well I don't mind as I have nothing to hide + I knew that these friends have high opinion of me (probably too high) Anyway this guy replied with: ------------------------------ Dear ES, Nice to hear from you. I did hear from {bf's name} that you two are in a relationship and was pleasantly surprised. I can not think of a better match. As for his personality, I consider him one of my best friends. He is one of the most high-integrity and honest people I have ever met. I immensely love and respect him. He is truly one of the rare people that I can say that about. I wish you two the best of luck.
Author Eternal Sunshine Posted March 25, 2011 Author Posted March 25, 2011 Totally agree with this post! Enjoy your relationship please. Enjoy getting to know him. Have fun and relax. Please don't get overanxious and kill your blossoming relationship, ok? Let it grow naturally. Enjoy it. Please don't freak out over it. Take a deep breath, calm down, and take things one step at a time. Please don't detach though and go on okcupid... poor girl you're scaring me! You're so tuned on to pain and rejection that you are not smelling the roses that are right in front of you. Please remember he called during his lunch break to hear your voice, and he is concerned for your feelings. That is great that he cares. Please don't sabotage this. I really hope ya'll grow into a healthy and wonderful and vibrant relationship. Please don't panic yet. Please just enjoy getting to know him. Elaina, I have read some of the advice you gave to to other people and to me. You are such an incredibly warm and kind person with a beautiful heart. I thought this for a while so I thought I will tell you Also, you are right about me being used to nothing but pain and over-reacting. Thanks for your good wishes
zengirl Posted March 25, 2011 Posted March 25, 2011 (edited) I just f-ing browsed I didn't contact anyone. And I acknowledge it was an emotional reaction. FFS! Right, emotional reactions are the most telling --- they show us who we are and what we need to work on --- and they're also the ones that bring us down the most. They're also the ones that take real change (fundamental change) to improve. So, basically, they're rough as hell. And I'm not saying I don't have my own. I'm just saying it seems like looking for a "backup" or seeking control in the situation, in a way that many would find a mild betrayal (very mild, sure, in action, but the intention . . . well, it wasn't accidental by any means; it was deliberate). I have found that the more I try to control a situation, the more unhappy it makes me, and the "cure" has always been to re-focus on myself and control myself and my own behavior and intentions instead of the situation. I think you have a GREAT shot with this guy, from everything you've said, and he sounds really lovely, so my suggestion would be to take that caution somewhere productive and focus on what you'd like to nurture and create and then --- rather than focusing on the exact HOW you want it to happen in your head, communicate with him (not like a big convo, but you know, little by little, as you grow together as a couple) and find out the HOW together. And also remember: He's going to do things you don't like, things that hurt your feelings, things that make you insecure, make you mad, accidentally at least, even if he's the best guy in the world and even if you were the coolest, most secure gal in the world. And, even if you were going out of your way not to, and doing everything perfectly (whatever that is!) all the time, you'd do things to hurt his feelings, make him insecure, make him mad, etc, too. That's just how relationships go. It's how you do overall that matters. So don't let any small disappointments weigh you down too much! Edited March 25, 2011 by zengirl
threebyfate Posted March 25, 2011 Posted March 25, 2011 I just f-ing browsed I didn't contact anyone. And I acknowledge it was an emotional reaction. FFS!While I understand wanting to react to people who are uber critical, it's reaction that spurs on their need to jack with you in a form of powerplay where they're in control of your reaction. So, try to avoid playing. Some advice that I too need to adopt when in a bad mood.
Imajerk17 Posted March 25, 2011 Posted March 25, 2011 (edited) I feel a bit better now. I have actually already started detaching after his cancelation and started browsing OKC. This is the type of emotional reaction I have. That's the problem with you, ES. For however smart you might be academically, you react with your emotions. You don't seem to think things through *before* you do something, it's only *after*. You dive into relationships with guys who are unsuitable, and the signs were there from the beginning. The last loser you were with--the Artist, is a great example. For all the whining you did about how badly things turned out, the writing was on the wall from the start. You ignored it. You're not a victim ES, you're just someone reaping the consequences of your bad decisions. NSA sex guy is another example. I'm not convinced it won't get back to your boyfriend, and if it does anytime soon, he will dump you. Hopefully NSA sex guy is a gentleman and doesn't talk, but I wouldn't bet a lot of money on it. Browsing OKC actually isn't that bad compared to other stuff. As long as you didn't write anyone that is. It makes me wonder what you would do when a more serious issue comes up in your relationship though. Edited March 25, 2011 by Imajerk17
Star Gazer Posted March 25, 2011 Posted March 25, 2011 While I understand wanting to react to people who are uber critical, it's reaction that spurs on their need to jack with you in a form of powerplay where they're in control of your reaction. Her emotional reaction was to her BF's canceling. Her emotional reaction was to start searching for guys on an online dating site. Her BF is not engaging her in a powerplay. Her BF is not in control of her reaction. She is.
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