Eternal Sunshine Posted March 24, 2011 Posted March 24, 2011 I had a few pretty bad experiences with "too much too soon" relationships and have decided to take things slowly this time around. My current bf of 23 days (lol) wanted to see me a lot over the week but I asked him if we could see each other 2x a week and I explained my desire to take things slow. He agreed and commented that this is the smart way to do it. So we agreed on spending Thursday and Saturday evenings together. Today is Thursday and my brother had a major argument with his gf and asked me to come over. I called the bf and explained this and asked him if we can re-schedule tonight. He just said "no worries, let's make it Friday and Saturday this week". So it's all good. However, sometimes he will invite me to random stuff during the week in between our 2 scheduled days. I usually can't make it and he seems cool but I wonder if 2x a week is too slow for him. As for communication, we usually have 1 longish phone call per week and exchange a few texts every day (initiated 50/50). Sometimes a FB message or two. So not a HUGE amount of communication in between the dates. I am happy with this pace (after all I have set it ), but just want a few thoughts from people that are more experienced in LTRs. Is this too slow? I guess in the past, I would adapt to the guy's pace whetever I liked it or not. I have learned from my mistakes but am somewhat worried that this slowness will make my bf lose interest. P.S. We have had prolonged make out sessions but haven't had sex yet. He tries to advance physically but is respectful at the same time
Star Gazer Posted March 24, 2011 Posted March 24, 2011 My current bf of 23 days (lol) He's actually only been your BF for 6 days. You've known him for 23. Immediately before those 6 days, you were offering NSA sex to someone else. Don't forget that. I think you need to keep the true timeline in perspective here, and are smart to be cautious and go slow.
Lilmisus Posted March 24, 2011 Posted March 24, 2011 I think that taking a good quality relationship slowly isn't a bad idea at all, depending on how both feel about it. Nor do I think that this is too slow, but I do think that you could let loose a little bit with the tight scheduling. Why not say "around" two times a week that you guys see each other, that way, if something comes up, you don't feel like it's meshing with your plans of taking things slowly. Why not randomly ask him if he wants to grab lunch sometime during the week, like on Monday? Or take him up on his offer to go do something when or if he asks you if you're able to do so. Just be sure take his feelings on seeing each other and on how fast to take the relationship, into consideration as well. But it really seems like you're on the right track here, and that you have a pretty good boyfriend of 23 days if he respects your wishes this much.
Author Eternal Sunshine Posted March 24, 2011 Author Posted March 24, 2011 He's actually only been your BF for 6 days. You've known him for 23. Immediately before those 6 days, you were offering NSA sex to someone else. Don't forget that. I think you need to keep the true timeline in perspective here, and are smart to be cautious and go slow. SG, our very first date was 23 days ago. We saw each other at this pace since date 1 and had the above outlined communication frequency. We made it official (exclusivity, bf/gf status) about a week ago. I don't think I am being dishonest. Of course I count the start at date 1. BTW when his friend asked him in front of me "how long have you been together?" - he responded with "around 3 weeks"...so he views things the same way I do.
Star Gazer Posted March 24, 2011 Posted March 24, 2011 SG, our very first date was 23 days ago. We saw each other at this pace since date 1 and had the above outlined communication frequency. We made it official (exclusivity, bf/gf status) about a week ago. I don't think I am being dishonest. Of course I count the start at date 1. But why? That's not when he became your boyfriend. You were dating others since date 1, and a week ago you were offering NSA sex to someone else. He didn't become your boyfriend until 6 days ago, so why make your relationship seem longer and more serious than it really is? Why not let it just develop naturally?
Author Eternal Sunshine Posted March 24, 2011 Author Posted March 24, 2011 OK correction to my OP: I have been seeing this guy for 23 days and he became my bf a week ago. And it feels pretty serious. I am meeting his parents in 2 weeks when they fly in to visit him from inter-state. I have been dating a lot and some dating situations just feel more serious than others, regardless of length.
Author Eternal Sunshine Posted March 24, 2011 Author Posted March 24, 2011 Anyways, even if it ends tomorrow I know I will be OK. Happened plenty of times before....
Star Gazer Posted March 24, 2011 Posted March 24, 2011 I have been seeing this guy for 23 days and he became my bf a week ago. And it feels pretty serious. I am meeting his parents in 2 weeks when they fly in to visit him from inter-state. Okay, so does meeting your boyfriend of one week's parents so soon feel like being cautious to you? Because I think many people would find you're rushing it again...
Author Eternal Sunshine Posted March 24, 2011 Author Posted March 24, 2011 Honestly, they fly in once every 6 months so it's either now or 6 months later... But yeah - I am not 100% comfortable with this. The plans to meet them aren't set in stone yet. I will still think about it. Agh, this thread is just making me obsess again.
threebyfate Posted March 24, 2011 Posted March 24, 2011 Your pace is similar to what ours was at the beginning. We saw each other twice a week on defined days and spoke everyday. To this day, we still speak everyday, including when he's out of town on business or on a trip with the boys. But you have to keep in mind that your guy and mine, are different men. So is your guy and every other woman's man so behaviour like this can't really be definitively compared beyond knowing that your guy sounds really into you. Also, it's less about comparisons of behaviour and more about your comfort level in your relationship. If your gut instincts start to react, there's usually a reason for it. And once that age-old biological instinct kicks in, best to identify what's wrong since it's been finely tuned to fight or flight, generation after generation. Actually, I believe gut is our subconscious minds taking note of details that our conscious mind has missed or ignored.
Star Gazer Posted March 24, 2011 Posted March 24, 2011 Also, it's less about comparisons of behaviour and more about your comfort level in your relationship. If your gut instincts start to react, there's usually a reason for it. Ding, ding!! But yeah - I am not 100% comfortable with this. Agh, this thread is just making me obsess again. Re-read what TBF wrote. Don't discount your instincts... they're worth a lot more than you're giving them credit for. Honestly, they fly in once every 6 months so it's either now or 6 months later... And what's the problem with 6 months from now? Why rush a relationship step just based on convenience?
Author Eternal Sunshine Posted March 24, 2011 Author Posted March 24, 2011 TBF - who suggested your pace with your H? Did he seem to want to see you more than that?
Star Gazer Posted March 24, 2011 Posted March 24, 2011 Your pace is similar to what ours was at the beginning. Not to beat a dead horse here, but a major distinction is that you weren't dating your H while offering free sex to someone else. I am concerned that ES is rushing into a relationship simply for the sake of being in a relationship. If she really cared about her BF, she would have never wanted to have NSA sex with someone else just a week ago. Although, I haven't seen her mention any red flags, which is a first and a pleasant improvement.
Author Eternal Sunshine Posted March 24, 2011 Author Posted March 24, 2011 Well, there are no red flags really (yet). We haven't had any arguments (except for one minor one that resolved quickly). SG, what about being into that other guy after you had the first date with skiman? I knew NSA guy before I met current bf and we had some sort of semi-fling going.
threebyfate Posted March 24, 2011 Posted March 24, 2011 Our pace was negotiated and mutually agreed upon since we were determined to see each other but both worked a lot. The two days were to ensure that barring emergencies, we would reserve those days for each other. On weeks where we had more time, we would see each other more often, sometimes up to 4 - 5 days a week.
Author Eternal Sunshine Posted March 24, 2011 Author Posted March 24, 2011 Not to beat a dead horse here, but a major distinction is that you weren't dating your H while offering free sex to someone else. I am concerned that ES is rushing into a relationship simply for the sake of being in a relationship. If she really cared about her BF, she would have never wanted to have NSA sex with someone else just a week ago. Although, I haven't seen her mention any red flags, which is a first and a pleasant improvement. There is also other side of the coin: being only strongly attracted to men that are emotionally unavailable in some way. I need to work on that. Remember the unhealthy dynamic of the last guy you wrote about? Well, that's pretty much what happened with every guy I was really strongly into in my life.
TheLoneSock Posted March 24, 2011 Posted March 24, 2011 Rules are stupid. We can see each other on Thursdays and Saturdays? What kind of crap is that. That sounds like an extremely tried, fake and boring relationship. When you actually start having sex, are you going to schedule those times too? Lol I guess you'll have to if you're only seeing each other on Thursday and Saturday evenings. Reminds me of 'Fun With Dick and Jane'... "Let's have sex!....... on SATURDAY!!" yawn. This is doomed for failure. Love needs far more spontaneity than that, and this has zero of that. This sounds more like a PTA meeting or a book club than an exciting, passionate relationship. Hey, if that's what your bag. It amazes me how people go from one end of the spectrum to the opposite end when they change their idea of what they think dating is. But, that's irrationality for ya.
Star Gazer Posted March 24, 2011 Posted March 24, 2011 There is also other side of the coin: being only strongly attracted to men that are emotionally unavailable in some way. I need to work on that. Are you strongly attracted to your BF? You didn't even address what you bolded. Are you in this relationship just for the sake of being in a relationship? Remember the unhealthy dynamic of the last guy you wrote about? Well, that's pretty much what happened with every guy I was really strongly into in my life. If that's true, then I really feel for you. That was a first and last for me, a complete anomaly.
Star Gazer Posted March 24, 2011 Posted March 24, 2011 SG, what about being into that other guy after you had the first date with skiman? I'm not following you or understanding why you're involving Skiman in this conversation? I was multi-dating 3 or 4 people when I met Skiman. I didn't consider him my boyfriend until we were exclusive, and I wasn't looking to be in a relationship just to be in a relationship. Nor was I offering sex to any of the guys I was dating before I met Skiman. You and I are not similar, OG. Please stop trying.
Author Eternal Sunshine Posted March 24, 2011 Author Posted March 24, 2011 Rules are stupid. We can see each other on Thursdays and Saturdays? What kind of crap is that. That sounds like an extremely tried, fake and boring relationship. When you actually start having sex, are you going to schedule those times too? Lol I guess you'll have to if you're only seeing each other on Thursday and Saturday evenings. Reminds me of 'Fun With Dick and Jane'... "Let's have sex!....... on SATURDAY!!" yawn. This is doomed for failure. Love needs far more spontaneity than that, and this has zero of that. This sounds more like a PTA meeting or a book club than an exciting, passionate relationship. Hey, if that's what your bag. It amazes me how people go from one end of the spectrum to the opposite end when they change their idea of what they think dating is. But, that's irrationality for ya. I can assure you that we have lots of fun when we are together. Last time we ended up dancing on the street
Author Eternal Sunshine Posted March 24, 2011 Author Posted March 24, 2011 FYI I connect better with this guy than anyone I have dated within the past few years on ALL levels. Will this be enough for a LTR? Will we be compatible on a deeper level? Only time will tell.
Kamille Posted March 24, 2011 Posted March 24, 2011 Also, it's less about comparisons of behaviour and more about your comfort level in your relationship. This is absolutely key, and I'm glad to see you, Eternal sunshine , recognizing that you have the right to a set a pace that's right for you. That, to me, is listening to your gut instincts. Right now, your gut instincts seem to be telling you you're doing good. If you need the structure of a set schedule, keep it and disregard what others have to say. This is your relationship. You and your bf are in charge of catering to it, making it grow and making sure it is the right relationship for the both of you. I personally like the idea of having a "seeing each other around 2 times a week" because I tend to be a very spontaneous and unstructured person. When bf and I started dating, his workaholism and my determination to stay balanced (keep active, keep appointments with my friends, not work my work schedule around his) made it so we only managed to see each other around two times a week. We never overtly discussed it, it just happened that way. We communicated less than you guys did. It took us probably 2-3 months before we got into the habit of calling or texting every day. As time went by and our circle of friends integrated, we ended up seeing each other more often. Then I moved. . Again, congrats on showing care for your budding relationship and communicating your needs about what you need in order to make it happen.
Author Eternal Sunshine Posted March 24, 2011 Author Posted March 24, 2011 (edited) Yep Kamille, the structure actually makes me feel like things are stable and reduces my anxiety. BTW our communication is not that substantial. Some days it's just good morning/good night texts or discussing our plans for dates... There is a bit of a glitch today: he texted me an hour ago to cancel our tomorrow's date because his parents are flying in unexpectedly and he is going to pick them them up at the airport with his brother tomorrow night. This kind of thing unsettles me a bit...it's like his brother could have picked them up by himself...I responded with no problem..He said that we are still on for Saturday night. Hopefully he is telling the truth. It's been almost a week since we have last seen each other. Obviously he is not prioritizing me yet, but I am currently prioritizing my family over him too so I guess it's OK. I just hope this cancellation is not the beginning of the dreaded fade. I guess I will know soon enough since Saturday is just around the corner.... Edited March 24, 2011 by Eternal Sunshine
Kamille Posted March 24, 2011 Posted March 24, 2011 I'm sure it's fine. You know the reason and he doesn't seem to think there's any problem. You cancelled for family and he cancelled for family. Hit the gym today to relieve whatever anxiety this might trigger and focus on the things you do know: He's your bf, you will see him saturday. Your relationship is new, so I understand the reflex to tell him that you're fine with the cancellation when in reality you needed a bit more information from him before saying you were fine. It's really hard showing our vulnerabilities to our partners. This particular example is one where I think you did the right thing by saying you were fine with it, but make sure you don't get into the habit of saying you're fine with things, when really, you need a bit more information and reassurance from him. There's also absolutely nothing wrong with responding with something like: "Oh! I was really looking forward to it! It's been so long since we've seen each other".
ccfan Posted March 24, 2011 Posted March 24, 2011 (edited) Rules are stupid. We can see each other on Thursdays and Saturdays? What kind of crap is that. That sounds like an extremely tried, fake and boring relationship. When you actually start having sex, are you going to schedule those times too? Lol I guess you'll have to if you're only seeing each other on Thursday and Saturday evenings. Reminds me of 'Fun With Dick and Jane'... "Let's have sex!....... on SATURDAY!!" yawn. This is doomed for failure. Love needs far more spontaneity than that, and this has zero of that. This sounds more like a PTA meeting or a book club than an exciting, passionate relationship. Hey, if that's what your bag. It amazes me how people go from one end of the spectrum to the opposite end when they change their idea of what they think dating is. But, that's irrationality for ya. I totally agree.... if he´s your boyfriend now you should take that relationship as an adult one. Making a schedule to see the person you love is just not right... you and him should see eachother anythime you want, as much as you want... no schedule whatsoever. Also he´s not in the wrong for wanted to pick their parents with his brother in the airport (that is of course if he´s saying the truth) , if anything this shows he´s a person with strong family values, and you can see him anyother time of the week if you haven´t imposed that x2 week schedule. Try not to look at what could be wrong already.. let your relationship breathe... Just my 2 cents Edited March 24, 2011 by ccfan
Recommended Posts